Brush of Shade (36 page)

“I’m not strong
enough for this,” I whimpered, clinging to his shirt. Beneath my hands the
rumble of protest and outrage churned within his broad chest.

“I am, use me,”
he said, tucking my head under his chin.

 “You’ve
got this incredible ability. I’m nothing.” A low growl swept around the room.
“But it’s true. I’ve nothing to offer. I’m just a messed up teenager who needs
to be seeing a therapist. We’ve been kidding ourselves here. The valley
deserves better.”

He pulled back
and gripped my arm not letting me turn away. I opened my mouth to again deny my
value, but a warm finger on my lips silenced my ugly words. “Listen to me,” he
said in a stern tone. “You’re worth the life I’ve committed to your side, my warden.
Harbor no doubts upon which others can feed and abuse.”

He pressed the
copper aspen leaf against the hollow of my throat, warming it until it was
almost uncomfortable. As though I was being branded, I thought, swallowing
hard.

Gentle hands
cradled my face. “The Blessing of the Valley belongs in the care of your
compassionate and giving heart. You’re a gift to this community.” Glints of ice
shimmered in his widening eyes, and his voice turned thick and honey smooth.
“Olivia, you’re filled with more life than you realize. Just being in the same
room with you is intoxicating. Share your doubts. Join with me and feel what I
know.”

An emotional
barrage more forceful than our prior connections ground away at my
insecurities. My arguments were denied and cast to the side. Splatters of
carefully unearthed emotions dripped courage and tenacity throughout my
beleaguered brain. The old Olivia, I thought, only to be reminded of my recent
bold episode during the fire. Interwoven amongst Shade’s broad strokes of friendship
I detected a frayed strand of desperation. Shocked by this revelation, I tried
to reassure him that I was here for him as well. Raw and as yet untrained, my
talent latched upon old fears of isolation and nightmares of being out of
control. To my shame, I had no idea how to cease intruding upon the privacy of
this proud man. Afraid that he would realize what I’d accidently snagged, I
struggled to dissolve our connection. Calm caressed my panic. Questions
battered.

On this awful
day for him, I would go where he out of respect wouldn’t intrude. I dug up
private moments with my mother that even on my good days I’d avoided. Our last
Mother’s Day, a week before the accident, was my undoing. Grief ripped open
scabs, allowing a sadistic voice from my nightmares to replay the horrific last
minutes of my mother’s life. The moments between rasping breaths drew longer. I
knew what was coming, but I couldn’t abandon her.

“Turn away,”
Shade ordered, releasing an emotional grappling hook that yanked me into the present.

Fear that I’d be
taken away, leaving him to a desolate existence roiled and churned within both
of us. Hot lips brushed mine. A vibrating hand slipped behind my neck.
Pins-and-needles danced down my spine. I opened my eyes and sucked in an
astonished breath.

His handsome
face with a long
day’s worth
of stubble faded in and
out of sight. Inflamed desires enticed as they became entangled amongst mine.
Heat flashed through me, not from his hands, but from somewhere deep within
myself. His breath coiled heatedly with mine. Simmering frustration yielded to
gnawing hunger; my lips were devoured. Veiled eyes shattered. Icebergs thrust
out of churning seas.  

Heady with
recklessness, I abandoned my safe shore and gulped up his passionate emotions.
Impatient for his attention I eagerly rubbed my fingers over the tanned patch
of skin at his collar. What was mine would not be hidden. My fingers skimmed
upward, instantly going numb.

Shade’s head reappeared
with a wolfish grin and a storm of white blanketing his telling eyes. “The
perfect order,” he responded, trilling his baritone drawl across my cheeks and
neck until I sighed and pulled his head down.

“
Mine!
”

A ferocious
voice part Shade and part stranger resonated inside my skull, scoring my mind,
sinking its claws into my psyche. It was like trying to stay afloat in an
emotional tsunami. I was pinned beneath him as hot hands tugged my T-shirt off
my shoulder. Even hotter kisses scorched my skin. Long fingers slipped beneath
my shirt splaying flat against my stomach. Vibrations tingled across my skin
from gliding hands that came to rest beneath my breast. At his urging, I
explored sculpted abdominal muscles, tracing lower until rough denim barred my
way. Without hesitation I reached for the jean’s button. His shirt fell
forward. Soft flannel slid through my fingers, instantly calming my ramped up
pulse. In a flash of insight, I was struck by the similarity to the voices’
attempt to subjugate my will. But Shade had sworn he’d never hurt me?

Abruptly his
body froze. Reason battled forward, revealing alarmed revulsion, and his
valiant attempt to force down the madness. His grip loosened. I slapped aside
his hands and rolled for the edge of the bed. Fingers tangled in my hair. An
arm looped about my waist pulling me back. While I still had the presence of
mind to speak, I sucked in a shuddering breath and ordered, “Shade, stop.”

A decisive snap
of his jaw clamped off a pulse enhanced growl. His body faded in and out
violently. “Olivia, I . . .” He pushed off the bed, a deep crimson stain rising
up into his cheeks. A shaking hand raked through his hair. He bounded over to
the window, tucking his unbuttoned shirt back in. His face scrunched up and he
stared at the floor. “I’ve no excuse for my reprehensible behavior. Forgive me.
I meant only to pierce the shroud of despair left over from the imprint. I went
too far. I’ll find you a replacement guard,” he said in the formal tone of a
stranger.

“I don’t want a
replacement,” I cried out when he moved towards the door. “Stay!” I ordered,
forcing as much strength into the word as I could manage.

His head whipped
towards me, but he kept his eyes averted. Resolute he continued towards the
door, his entire body bent towards his target.

“Stay! Guard
me!”

For a split
second his body vanished. “Release me from service,” he demanded, hurtling his
voice against my walls, ripping my calendar off its hook. “Naïve child, I
attacked you. I’m no better than a lecher. Actually, I’m worse. I used my mind
against yours, forcing my twisted feelings into yours, making you
want
. . .” He stopped. A horrified look spread across his
face. “Release me. Please!”

His tortured
plea made me blush with shame. I was an idiot for thinking he’d actually be
interested in me in that way. I had to salvage our friendship. “Stop taking all
the blame. I should’ve ordered you to stop sooner.”

“No order should
be necessary. I’m the adult here; you should be safe in my company.”

“I turned
eighteen.”

“You’re still in
high school. I have to face it; I’ve lost my objectivity. In my arrogance, I
thought myself strong enough to carry the Soul Oath. Made nearly mad by its
fiery, all-consuming nature my blood boiled with the need to possess its other
half.”

“You stopped
when I asked you to,” I reminded him.

“Ordered,” he
corrected his tone almost a growl. “Drugs, alcohol, oath there isn’t any
difference; my crime of coercion is unforgivable. A man never . . . I
manipulated you.” He choked on the words, his face twisted in pain by his
self-hatred. “Nothing excuses my behavior or my lack of control. I’m a diamond
level. The employ of my compulsion voice on a human woman in this manner is
forbidden. A Soul Oath binds us. You stood no chance of resisting my demand for
our souls to connect. I overwhelmed and frightened you. No, don’t deny the
truth. Consumed with the need to protect you, I became a hormone driven beast
consumed by the need to possess.” His chest
heaved
and
his shoulders slumped. “I’ve dishonored my code, my people, and my warden. I’m
unworthy to stand at your side or to carry my oaths.”

I wanted to go
to him and shake him for a change. I had to make him see that he wasn’t the
monster here. “Let’s be honest. Our joining was a selfless endeavor.”

“That’s not the
point. I yielded to my baser instincts. Don’t look at me. Let me go,” he
pleaded.

“Stop being so hard on yourself.
I don’t think either of us
is our selves. How could we be after everything? My God, Shade, you were forced
to kill someone. Then Shadow got stabbed. The purist assaulted my mind to . .
.” my voice faltered it was too sick to think about. “They wanted revenge. They
wanted one of us to die.”

Without his
heat, I began to shake. I ignored it; afraid if he noticed he would override my
order for my own good. Once out of this room he would never be dissuaded.
“Please, you’re the only one I trust to keep me safe. If you leave, I’ll fall
apart.” Speaking softly as though saying it out loud would make it true I said,
“Next time I’ll sink too far to recover on my own. Don’t let their darkness
claim me. I can’t live like that again. Please, don’t leave me so exposed to
their mercy.” My voice fell. I would not; I could not face that curtain of
despair again. Panic welled up inside me, threatening to shatter all the
progress I’d made since the accident. With a hand outstretched towards him, I
entreated, “Don’t let them touch me again. It was soul destroying.”

“You don’t
understand the depth of my crime. I violated—”

“In the capacity
of my protector you dove in after the truth.”

“Like a newbie
without control,” he said bitterly, hunching his shoulders, beaten.

“No, you
stubborn fool. Like the man sworn to keep me safe; you were intent upon
discovering what I couldn’t verbalize. Like a friend desperate to help another
heal, you stood between me and their vile touch despite the terribleness of
your own day.”

“I lost control.
That should never have happened. Emotions without filters are passionate; way
beyond the level of intimacy that a teenager, especially a human one, can
handle. You’re still a kid and owed my respect every moment,” he said savagely.
His eyes were fixated on the door. His body leaned forward, his hand almost
touching the wood. “Don’t you see I’m dangerous? The Soul Oath can entrap an unsuspecting
individual. I’m not speaking only of you. Under its influence, I forgot that
you are simply, Olivia. I am your personal guard and an ordinary friend,
nothing more. What you feel . . . what I put there can never be acted upon.”

Ouch, that stung!
I blinked hard, refusing to let him see how much I was being hurt. It would do
neither of us any good to dwell on how badly I’d been frightened or more to the
point, on how much I’d wanted him. “I don’t know how emotions work with
Whisperers, but speaking on behalf of humans, they don’t fall into line like
trained soldiers. Emotions are messy. They have a tendency to travel with a
life and purpose that isn’t easy to master. You’re flesh and blood. You’re
dealing with a situation that no one among your people ever considered. Give
yourself a break this once. Nothing happened.”

It was a lie.
The charged emotions were far from nothing. It killed me to appear unaffected.
For Shade, I would deny the validity of our feelings.

Fingers grazed
the door knob.

 “You
forget I’m just a silly, high school girl. By next week I’ll have a new crush,”
I said with a surprising amount of coolness in my voice. “If anyone should be
apologizing, it’s me. At your age having a teenage girl mooning after you must
be embarrassing. I’ll try to look at you like an obnoxious, older brother.”

Fingers
trembled. The knob jiggled.

“Just don’t
leave me,” I pleaded. I clamped my mouth shut before I came across as even more
pathetic. I forced myself to look him square in the eye. I had a good idea of
what I looked like huddled on the bed pale and distraught. It was pointless to
try to disguise my emotions, so I settled for a tentative half smile.
“Friends?”

“I’m not safe.”

“You protected
me.” He shook his head in disgust. “It’s true. Your voice reminded me who I was
when I was willing to let go of everything.”

“Who are you?”
he demanded, sounding ragged and exhausted.

For the both of
us I boldly grabbed hold of his truth.
“The heart of the
valley.”

“My warden.”

“Your friend Olivia.”

After several
deep breaths, the rigid set to his jaw relaxed just a hair. Then with forced
casualness, he returned to lean against my bedpost, going so far as to sweep my
tussled hair behind my ears. I bit the inside of my lip to keep my hurt from
showing in my eyes. Occasionally his hands would tremble or an ankle would tap
against the wood frame of my bed. I felt terrible for him. He had to deal with
this oath on his own. Pride and embarrassment would keep him from turning to
the one person who might have the skill to still his emotional storm. I blushed
just imagining that conversation with his grandmother.

He twisted the
ring on his finger several times before ripping it off and clenching it in his
fist. “Sister Willow’s fears were justified. You’re paying the price of my ego.
I’ve been failing you left and right. As a result, you’re put off by our
culture and alienated from those you would serve.
Warden and
yet not Warden.”
He shook his head and said, recrimination making his
voice deeper, “It’s easy to forget that you’ve not been trained. I slide so
effortlessly into your mind like we’ve been communicating this way for decades.
One slip and I could severely injure you, perhaps permanently or worse bind you
to my side. Allow me to excuse myself. An older, more experienced individual
would be better at controlling his emotions.”

“I thought we
were moving past the blame part of the discussion. Tell me something
constructive.”