Broken Pasts (18 page)

Nathaniel
checked the envelope and then thumbed through the pictures again.
That's all there was, no note, just the disgusting photographs in all
of their horrendous glory.

“
This
was postmarked on Thursday,” he said as he examined the stamps.
“So he sent them the day after I showed up, but he must've
taken them sooner.”

“
Why?”
I asked as I picked up the pictures and shook them. Honestly, I
wanted to tear them apart, turn them into confetti, but I couldn't, I
had to keep them if only to nail the fucker. “Why take them
and just keep them? Why send them now? I don't understand.”
Nathaniel examined the pictures with a practiced eye. The most
fucked up part about all of this was that he didn't seem entirely
surprised by it, like he'd seen this kind of thing before. I didn't
ask, didn't want to know. It was hard enough trying to deal with my
own problems.

“
Stalkers
crave power. That's what this is about. He's showing you that he
can come and go as he pleases, that he could hurt you if he wanted.
My guess is that he feels threatened by me. A lot of stalkers have a
hard time watching their exes move on to someone else. It's often a
trigger for escalated behavior.”

“
Nathaniel,”
I said, eyes wide, hands shaking. I didn't know what else to say,
what else to do. “Help me.” In an instant, the flip was
switched and he was there, sweeping me into his arms, holding me
against his chest and pressing his lips to the forehead.

“
Theresa
McMaster, you have nothing to worry about. I won't leave you, not
until this is over, not unless you want me to.”

“
But
how,” I said, trying to keep my voice from sounding frantic.
“You said the law's a joke. Don't we just add this crap to the
pile and move on, let him get away with it?”

“
Not
this time,” Nathaniel told me with a slight smile in his voice.
“These pictures are proof of breaking and entering, a crime
that's a bit more black and white than stalking. If we take these
down to the police station with our report, they'll be able to get
you an order of protection and hopefully a search warrant for Gary's
house.”

“
Thank
god,” I whispered, thinking that the horrors of Gary Harper had
just hit their peak, that this was the tip of the iceberg and it was
all downhill from here.

It
was a nice thought anyway.

CHAPTER 20

Nathaniel
and I stopped by my house, but I didn't go in. I couldn't. I needed
a little more time to adjust to the idea that a psychopath had been
standing over me while I slept for God only knows how many days,
watching me while I was helpless to stop him, waiting there like a
predator stalking prey. I had this horrible feeling in my gut that I
had been
days
away from death. If I hadn't called PPSD, would
I be lying in a puddle of blood on my bathroom floor like the late
Mrs. Sutherland? It was a very real possibility.

When
Nathaniel returned with the file, I took it in my hands, glad that I
was in the front seat next to his warmth, his strength, his certainty
because I just felt cold and numb and empty. Until this report was
filed and the police were on Gary's tail, I wouldn't be able to
relax.

“
You
… ” I didn't know how to put my thoughts into words.
“You saved my life,” I said finally as I looked over at
Nathaniel, at his chocolate hair and warm eyes, his perfect lips, the
hard swell of muscle beneath his suit. “It was obviously a lot
worse than I thought. He just, he didn't show it.” I put my
hand over my belly and tried not to think about all of the
alternative possibilities. I was living in a world where we had
definitive proof against Gary, where Nathaniel had connections at the
station. It was going to be okay, all of it. I was going to live
and I was going to go to dinner with Nathaniel as planned. Rhea was
safe with Glen, and Gary would soon be trapped behind bars.

Nathaniel
didn't speak for awhile, but when he did, his voice gave me goose
bumps.

“
If
you had died, I think my last chance at happiness might've died along
with you.”

“
Don't
say that,” I told him, feeling overly emotional and desperate
for something solid, warm, something with emerald green eyes and a
wicked-dirty smile. It wasn't a man-woman thing. I didn't want
Nathaniel to grab me by the hair and drag me back to his cave. It's
just … I wanted a partner, someone that I could count on,
someone to take half of life's worries on their shoulders so I could
strand straight and tall. Nathaniel fit the bill perfectly. I
wasn't about to pick out wedding dresses or anything, I was way past
that fairy tale crap, but I did want to give this a shot, a real
shot. I wanted to date Nathaniel Sutherland.

I
looked over at him as we pulled into the police station, met his eyes
and took a deep breathe.

“
Date
me?” I said even though the sound of it made me cringe. I
wasn't sixteen, I was thirty-two. Still, the principal was the same.
Try it out, see if it worked. That was the way the world worked.
At least this time, I had a feeling in my chest that Nathaniel
Sutherland was a sure thing. I may have picked Glen with logic and
Gary with loneliness, but I was picking Nathaniel with my heart.
Maybe I didn't love him yet, but I could and that was all that
mattered.

“
That's
the plan,” he told me as he leaned over and kissed away my
fears with the heat of his lips. “That's been the plan from
the first moment I laid eyes on you.”

***

We
filed the police report and I was happy to see my case change hands
rather quickly. Instead of disappearing into a desk, it made its way
all the way up the ranks and I left that old brick building with a
promise that before the sun set, Gary Harper's apartment would be
searched and he'd be apprehended.

“
I
don't know what I'd do without you,” I told Nathaniel as we got
out at my house and paused on the driveway. “Now I know why
you got into this business. You save peoples' lives. You're an
underground saint, Mr. Sutherland.”

“
You're
going to give me a swollen head,” he said with a wink. “Don't
get my ego all riled up like that.”

“
Maybe
I'd like to get your ego riled up?” I told him as I glanced
over at my house and tried to pretend that I wasn't terrified to go
in there. Nathaniel stopped our flirting with a gentle smile,
reached out and took my hand.

“
I'll
keep you safe,” he whispered as he pulled me up the front walk
and inside.

Nathaniel
swept the house with me in tow, checking each door, window, cabinet,
closet. Gary was nowhere to be seen, thankfully. Hopefully before
the night was out, he'd be finding out what it was like to have
someone watching you while you slept while he rotted away in a jail
cell with another inmate, preferably a dangerous one.

“
The
house is clear,” Nathaniel told me seconds before I grabbed him
by the shirt and pulled him against me, pressed my mouth to his and
let my emotions sweep over us both. I was hot with anger, mad with
lust, shivering with fear. It was a medley of feelings that I was
not used to, and I knew a surefire way to get rid of them. In
Nathaniel's hands, I would melt and reform into something else,
someone else, someone stronger, smarter, better.

Nathaniel's
hands grasped my hips as he pushed me into the wall, kissing my lips,
my neck, my shoulders. The terror I had felt when I found the
pictures was finally subsiding, fading into this heat and this energy
that I had never experienced before with anyone. I reached down,
unzipped his pants and cupped him with my hand while he moaned into
my mouth and his fingers finally found their way under my shirt,
burning a trail of fire up my side.

I
grasped him behind the head with my other hand, tangling my fingers
in his dark hair and pulling, moving his face just far enough back
from mine that I could meet his eyes as I freed his cock and wrapped
my right leg around his waist. I stared straight at him, trying to
breathe through the electricity that was ripping through my body,
pumping the blood to my head and squeezing the muscles in my thighs.
He stared back at me, face flushed, mouth slightly parted and dropped
his right hand to my ass. The other he used to position himself to
push inside of me.

“
Theresa,”
he said, but I touched my lips to his and silenced him with my
tongue. Nathaniel thrust hard and fast, entering me with every inch
until we were pressed together against the wall, moving with one
another in this blissful tangle of flesh. I wrapped my arms around
his neck, let my head drop back and fell into him. I forgot about
everything else in that moment: there was only Nathaniel and me. His
lips against my skin were hot and torturous, burning a hole into my
soul while his body found pleasure in mine, taking me places I'd
never been.

When
my orgasm started to build, I greeted it like an old friend, rode the
waves of euphoria with Nathaniel and let him take me over the edge,
plunge me into molten depths and break me into pieces. When I came
up for air, he paused for a moment, slid out of me and stepped back.
I stumbled slightly and he caught me, lifting me up until I found my
feet.

“
You
have to put me back together,” I told him as he reached for the
door to my bedroom, opened it and carried us both to the bed. We
fell together in a sweaty heap across my comforter and soon his arms
were around me, holding me like we'd known each other forever. My
past had been like a noose around my throat, choking the life out of
me, denying my future. Now it was scattered across my soul like a
broken mirror.

“
Only
you can put you back together,” he told me as we lay there in
silence for several moments. Our breathing was in tune with one
another, whispering across the dark bedroom as I tried to make sense
of what had just happened.

The
obvious, of course, was that I had just slept with my bodyguard. But
there was also something beyond that, something deeper that had taken
place that I was having trouble making sense of.
Who knew sex
could be such a powerful tool?
I thought but immediately
corrected myself. It wasn't
just
sex. I had let my emotions
play against his and now I was hearing a chorus of voices that I'd
never heard before. I was waking up. It had taken me thirty-two
years to get there, but here I was.

“
You're
right,” I said as Nathaniel adjusted himself. At first, I
thought he was getting up to leave but instead he just sat up,
kneeling between my legs as he stared down at me, eyes dark from the
shadows of the moon that leaked through the window and cast their
pale fingers across his jaw, his neck, his suit jacket.

“
I'm
broken, too,” he told me. “That's why I know that you
can't escape your past by running from it, and you sure as hell can't
expect anyone else to fix it for you.” I propped myself up on
my elbows and stared at him as he loosened his tie and tossed it to
the floor along with his coat. “But it doesn't hurt to ask for
support.”

“
When
did you learn that?” I asked him, hoping things weren't going
to take a horrible turn for the awkward. I needed Nathaniel here.
What if the police didn't find Gary tonight? His obsession was
escalating to the point where I was certain it was going to be me or
him. And it had to be him. I wasn't going anywhere.

“
Today,”
Nathaniel said with a dirty smile. He leaned down and kissed me
gently and even though we'd just finished, my body responded with an
exhilarating burst of adrenaline. “I hope I'm not too out of
practice,” he said as he removed the holster with the gun and
laid it out beside us. “I haven't had the opportunity to
refine my skills.” Nathaniel tried to smile, but it was tinged
with sadness. “Since Gillian died, I haven't … I
didn't want to make love to a memory,” he said as he put his
hands on either side of my body. “Does that make any sense?”
I swallowed hard and nodded. Words were not an option right now. I
think if I'd tried to speak, moans would've come out instead. I bit
my tongue and stayed silent. “And I thought that when I met
you, that something like this might never happen. That all I'd be
doing was comparing.” He paused and my heart thumped
painfully. There was anguish in his face now, haunting those green
eyes, ten
sing the muscles in
his arms and chest. “But I'm not. You looked like her and
your situation reminded me so much of her, but you're not her. And I
accept that. It's you that I want to make love with.”

***

Nathaniel
and I lay together in a sweaty tangle of sore flesh with my head on
his chest and his arm around my waist. He had one hand on my belly
and was looking at my scar, not judging, just looking.

“
Tell
me about it,” he said as his fingers traced the rough flesh.
“Tell me about everything.” I sighed and tried to pull
away, but he wouldn't let me. He held me there so tightly that it
brought tears to my eyes. Not once had I ever had anyone hold me
like that, like I was so precious that they were afraid they might
lose me. It was a feeling that I could get used to.

“
I
was pregnant once,” I said, starting from the beginning. It
was as good a place as any considering I'd had a normal childhood, an
average family, a simple life. At least before I'd met
him
.
“With Glen. We, um … ” I trailed off because it
was hard to think of Glen with Nathaniel's sexy body wrapped around
mine. I'd have much rather gone for seconds, thank you very much.
But he needed to know this stuff,
had
to know it if he was
going to get involved with me in any fashion. My past had scared off
more than one man in my past. “We got married young and his
life goal was to have kids, so … ” I trailed off
because it sounded so stupid from this point in my life, like that
girl was someone else. Someone who was so afraid of their own heart
that they'd used logic when they should've trusted in the deepest
part of themselves. I shivered, despite Nathaniel's heat. “We
had trouble getting pregnant at fist, and Glen was always blaming me,
yelling … I should've cut off his balls when I had the
chance.” Nathaniel laughed and snuggled tightly against me,
breathing against my hair and giving me the chills, the good kind.

“
Want
me to do it for you?” he asked, and I smiled.

“
I'll
get around to it,” I said. “At least metaphorically
speaking.” I placed my hand over Nathaniel's and knew that if
it had been his child in there, and I'd been his wife, bleeding all
over the hospital floor, that things would've been different. He'd
have fought for me. “Anyway, we filled out some adoption
paperwork. I was a little young, but Glen's father was someone
important.” I waved my hand dismissively. I couldn't be
bothered with those details. They didn't matter, not anymore. “And
we got approved three days before I found out that I was finally
pregnant. I had to
beg
Glen not to back out of the
application.” I shook my head and tried to forget the fights
and the screaming and the crying. “Anyway, one day I woke up
with blood just … just fucking everywhere.” I held out
my hands to either side, but I didn't cry, not anymore. I'd cried a
whole ocean of tears over this. The world had seen enough of my
sorrow. “I had to have emergency surgery and when they were in
there, they found something.” I clenched my teeth and tried
not to scream. “Without my permission, they performed a double
oophorectomy. So I lost my baby and my ovaries all in one shot.”
I sighed heavily and tried to spare Nathaniel the gory details. “So
I can't have biological children.” I swallowed hard and waited
for him to change, to act differently towards me. It had happened to
me before. More than once.