Broken (Broken #1) (30 page)

“
I don’t see
why it should be a problem, we have the space. As long as it’s for
just the night. I’m still getting used to having you
around.”

I pick up a strange rattle with
a plastic pocket full of water. Nathan takes it from me and puts it
back on the shelf. It’s then I notice that the giraffe has gone as
well. “Seriously?”

“
They’re
choking hazards.”

“
They’re
teethers and teddies you control freak,” eye roll. “And thank you,
I’ll let them know. It’ll be nice to see them. I owe them after all
they did after Caleb died.”

He places his arm around my
shoulders, “I can’t imagine what you went through. Being the one to
find him.”

“
I didn’t
find him,” I bite out, willing myself to say the words. “He died in
my arms. I was sprawled across his chest like I usually was when I
woke up. That’s not finding him. If I’d found him it would have
been a lot harder.”

“
What do you
mean?”

“
His last
moments were with me and our baby, comfortable in bed. If I was to
die, I’d want it to be just like that, holding the man I love
whilst peacefully sleeping.”

He picks up the giraffe and
places it in the basket. I almost smile at his attempt to cheer me
up. It was subtle but it was still an attempt and I’m grateful for
that. “Do you ever think you’ll fall in love again?”

Wow. “No. I can’t give away a
part of me that he took with him.”

“
Maybe one
day,” his head is ducked down, looking at some kind of kids’ bath
toy, so I can’t see his face to get a grasp on why he’s asking me
these questions. Maybe he’s worried I’ll betray his brother before
his ashes have a chance to cool.

“
I promised
him I’d never leave him…”

This time his head whips you,
“You promised him that?”

“
Yes.”

“
I’m pretty
sure that promise became invalid when he passed, Gwen.”

I shrug, “It’s still valid to
me.”

“
Let’s go,
this place smells of sweat and children.”

“
I know
right? It’s a relief from the usual scent of bleach at home,” I
joke.

“
You’ll get
used to it.”

“
Funnily
enough, Jeanine said that when I first arrived.”

******

We stay in the same hotel as
the last time we visited the city, he must have made reservations
before we came because they handed him two keys and we came
straight to it. We eat and shower, the latter being at separate
times obviously. I make his bed on the couch as he showers and
climb into the super soft king size. Feeling only slightly guilty
for taking his bed, but then getting over it as I sink into the
mattress and groan with delight.

My eyes close and this time I
fall asleep before he exits the bathroom.

“
Guinevere?”
he calls quietly as I drift into the realm between sleep and awake.
His footsteps get closer, “Gwen?”

I’m shocked when the bed dips
right beside me but I manage to keep my face relaxed. I’m not sure
why I don’t look at him, my curiosity has always been a flaw. Right
now I’m curious as to what he wants but for some reason I know I
won’t get the true answer if I’m awake.

“
Gwen?” His
voice is hushed and a lot closer than a moment ago. His heat sinks
through the thick quilt and into me, my stomach flutters. I feel
the smooth leather that covers his fingertips trail up my arm from
the dip of my elbow to my inner wrist. My arm tingles and tiny
bumps break out over the skin he touches.

He leans forward, this time my
breath does hitch. His face gets closer to mine, I can feel his
mint scented breath fan across my cheek. My heart races faster than
it was, I wonder if he can hear it.

My thoughts are a jumbled
mess.

And my entire world stops when
I feel his nose on mine, it trails gently up to the bridge before
slowly moving back down. A barely there touch but I feel it. I feel
it everywhere.

I can’t handle it. This
shouldn’t be happening, I don’t know why it is. His hand comes up
and slides between my cheek and the pillow, he lifts my face ever
so slightly, his nose now against the side of mine.

“
Gwen?” He
whispers, his voice sounds pained.

What’s he doing?

Panic overcomes me when I feel
his top lip breeze across mine.

His own breath speeds up as I
feel his bottom lip touch mine.

“
Don’t,” I
beg, my eyes burning and now open.

His eyes widen a fraction as
they stare intently into mine. My hand comes up and takes a hold of
his wrist and as I slowly push myself into sitting position I move
his wrist away.

“
What are you
doing?” I hiss, keeping my voice low.

After tugging his wrist free he
stands and turns around, “Go back to sleep.”

“
Nathan…”

“
Don’t,” he
begs and walks to the bag by the couch.

Now I feel like shit, “Nathan.
Please…”

“
I said
don’t,” he bites out and I watch him pull on his jeans under his
robe. The sound of metal clicking against metal lets me know he’s
doing up his belt.

With cautious movements I make
my way out of bed and softly pad over to him. I’m not sure what I’m
going to do, all I know is I don’t want him to feel like this. And
I’m not sure what I did to make him feel like this in the first
place.

What was he thinking? Christ
I’m so angry right now. But he doesn’t need me shouting at him. Our
wires must have gotten crossed somewhere along the way. The best
thing I can do right now is to just try and understand him.

“
Nathan,” I
try again and place my hand on his shoulder, the soft gown stops me
from feeling his skin but I can still feel the heat seep through.
“I don’t understand.”

“
You
wouldn’t,” he grits out, his tone clearly saying this is my fault
and he’s going to hold it against me.

I step forward and slide my
arms around his waist whilst pressing my forehead between his
shoulder blades. “I’m sorry. Please don’t fall out with me
again.”

He lets out a long breath and
grips my wrists tightly with both hands. Turning slowly in my arms
he brings his arms around me and rests his chin on top of my head
while squeezing tight.

Suddenly I’m airborne and
letting out a choked cry as he bends and lifts me into his arms. He
carries me to the bed and slowly lowers me onto it. “Go to sleep,”
he whispers and presses his lips to my forehead.

“
Are we
okay?”

He doesn’t respond, he only
moves away from the bed. Five minutes later I hear the door
close.

Someone shakes my arm. No. I
want to sleep. “Up, breakfast is ready.”

“
I don’t
care,” I grumble and pull the blanket over my head, smiling to
myself.

“
Come on.” He
says and tries to pull the blanket away.

“
No. You eat
it.”

He chuckles, how I’ve missed
that throaty laugh. “I’ll just come in there with you and then
neither of us will eat the breakfast I made. Just for you.”

“
Go away,
Caleb.” I whine and feel him slip into the bed behind me. “You
probably only made cereal anyway.”

He scoffs, feigning offence, “I
did not.”

“
Toast
then.”

“
Damn it, you
know me too well.” He runs his lips over the curve of my neck, his
hand resting against my moving stomach. “I miss this.”

“
Me too,” I
say quietly and turn to face him. His light brown eyes shine in the
dark, bringing tears to mine. “I love you.”

“
I love you
too, Gwenny.” He wraps his arms tight around me, his cheek pressed
against mine. I love the feel of his breath against my ear, it
makes my body tingle in the most delicious way. “You’re perfect the
way you are. Don’t ever change. Never leave me. Never. I know it’s
selfish but I…”

My heart starts hammering as
Caleb’s healthy face distorts for a moment, suddenly I’m staring
into the eyes of a sick man.

“
I’ll never
leave you,” I promise. “Just do me the same. Don’t leave
me.”

“
I love you,”
he says, his eyes filling with tears. They fall as he presses his
mouth to mine. “So much.”

“
Then why’d
you leave me?”

“
I almost
forgot,” he smiles and slides down my body. I feel his lips press
against my protruding stomach. “Love you baby Weston.”

“
Caleb,” I
reach down to haul him back up to me. My hands find nothing but
air. “Caleb!” I try to sit up but something’s weighing me down. No,
I want to go with him. Let me go with him!

My body jolts, zapping an
electric current all through my legs and heart. I sit bolt upright,
facing a dark room with sweat beading on my forehead. The space in
bed beside me is empty and my grief returns tenfold. I feel like
I’ve just lost him all over again.

Nathan sleeps peacefully on the
couch as it’s still dark out. I don’t want to wake him but I can’t
stay in this bed. So I climb out and pad over to the bathroom to
splash some water on my face. It does little to refresh me.

I sit on the closed toilet and
rest my head in my hands, my hair falls around me in black
curtains, shutting the world out and locking the pain in. Tears
pool in my eyes, when I blink the first tear falls and then
another. They sting my cool face. Another reminder that I’m a
lonely mess with serious issues. My grief outweighs any of the good
I’ve felt over the past couple of months. Although that’s not
saying much seeing as I’ve hardly felt any good.

The door handle is pulled down
and the door clicks open. “Gwen?” Nathan says and I feel him squat
before me. His hands go to my wrists, I’m blinded by light as he
pulls my hands away from my face. “What’s wrong?”

“
Nothing,” I
inhale a deep breath, willing my emotions to settle. “I just need a
minute.”

“
Is this
because of earlier?” He looks pained. “Because I am very sorry
for…”

I don’t even want to think
about that right now, “No. It’s… that’s not why I’m crying.”

“
Then why are
you crying?”

“
I’m always
crying, Nathan,” I admit and wipe my eyes with a piece of
tissue.

Standing, I move away from him
and stop in front of the sink. Resting my weight on my hands which
grip the edge of the basin.

“
Talk to me,”
he pleads and stands behind me, I look at him in the mirror through
swollen eyes.

“
I miss
him.”

He takes a step closer and runs
his fingers through my hair, it’s relaxing, soothing, but it’s not
his hands I want. “Me too.”

“
Why’d he
die?” I whisper, my eyes still on his. “Do you think he fought to
stay alive?”

“
I know for a
fact he did. Caleb wouldn’t want to leave you.”

“
But he
did.”

Nathan shrugs, “I know, and one
day you’ll leave. So will I. It happens every day.”

“
I know that,
I know it happens. I’ve just… it’s just never happened to me
before. I’ve never lost anybody that I love.” Touch wood. “And then
I lost him, I lost the one person who made me feel like… he just
made me feel. He was perfect.”

“
He wasn’t
perfect, Guinevere.”

I scowl at him, “To me he was
and always will be. That’s what love is.”

“
Blind?”

He just doesn’t get it. “When
you’re in love you learn to accept everything about that person and
you love them for it, so even though little things annoy you, you
know that it’s one of the many things that make them who they are.
And when you love them so deeply you can feel it in your bones;
that makes them perfect. Because you appreciate everything they are
and everything they do.”

“
I think
you’re a tad naïve. If that were true then there wouldn’t be so
many people out there battling alcoholism and gambling addictions
and what not.”

I blink at his blindness,
“That’s different.”

“
But you just
said…”

“
I know what
I said but that’s not what I meant. Those are conditions,
illnesses. Those may shape a person but they aren’t who you
are.”

“
So, for
example,” he clears his throat. “If I were to leave the toilet seat
up and hypothetically, you were in love with me, you wouldn’t
care?”

“
No.”

“
But if I
were to gamble or take narcotics you would?”

“
Yes.”

“
Why?”

“
Because the
little things can’t harm you. The little annoyances can’t hurt you
or hinder your ability to live a normal and hopefully peaceful
life.”

He licks his lower lip, “And
what about my condition?”

“
That’s part
of who you are, if you decide to speak to somebody about it that’s
your choice and I’d support you, but I’d never force you to do
that. It’s a part of you and if I were to be madly in love with
you, I’d be in love with your quirkiness too.”

He frowns, his eyes narrowing,
“I am certainly not quirky.”

“
Whatever,” I
wave him off, wiping the last few tears from my eyes. “Now do you
understand what I mean?”

“
Yes, if I
ever fall in love I hope I’ll feel it, rather than just have a
basic understanding of it.”