Broken (5 page)

________________

Hold onto your soul
don't give it freely
it'll turn to coal
if the bad play frequently with it

________________

surrounding me is barbed wire
Each time I try to jump it
I'm cut and my skin burns like fire
then I just quit
till the scars seem to fade
I try once more
again the same
why
how
why
makes me wanna die
become worm chow
that's about what I'm worth
don't deserve to be on this earth

________________

I wanted to hand you my heart

Hoped you'd give up yours

that wasn’t your intention from the start—just wanted to make me another one of your whores

every time I resist

your urge grows stronger

and the more you insist

this hurts and days seem longer

drives me crazy

knowing all you want

is what's in my pants

It sucks

________________

I know u don't care
but I keep hoping
maybe one day you'll be there
yeah moping
around for me
not for what's downstairs
but for my smile or laugh or embrace
I feel your stares
but admiration—not a trace.

________________

The Point

You’ve
disappeared
gone
just like I feared
what took you so long?
I knew you would
so I waited
holding in my feelings as much as I could
my emotions they debated
whether to love you
or hate your very presence
now I know what I'll do
wash my hair with herbal essence
till you get the point...

________________

It's been a week
not a word not a call
my soul is weak
and I resist the fall
I'm about to have
on account of you

________________

I saw you
didn't even look my way
I wasn't sure of what to do
that's okay
life is not a story
I will let things happen
naturally

________________

Jerk

woa, u r a jerk
1:04 pm
still pissed
stayed home from work
I got only the rose's stem
the thorns I wished to vanish
but the rose never bloomed
I cut my finger
How could you do this?
we're forever doomed
what if’s no longer linger

________________

why won't you love me?
why do you just wanna freak me?
I love you
I want to be with you
but you don't see
us in that way
and you know it is true
my heart is going to make me pay

________________

This Time

you don't come near
at all
I fear
I need you to call
I miss your smile
and can't stop
living in denial
I'll be nice
this time I promise
I love you
not coming back?
that's alright
I am moving away
so many boxes to pack
the world has never looked so bright
as it does today
farewell
my dearest love
it's been rotten
living in hell
if you ever come above
look here-you'll never be forgotten

________________

You talk again
to her
knew it would
only be
a matter of time
when
you'd be a cur
I stood
my ground silently
avoided the crime
you wished
upon us

________________

My Final Goodbye

you love playing
this hobby
of yours
breaks my heart
and I'm paying
for my snobby resistance

as it pours acid

and rips me a part
Why do you keep saying you miss me?
Like I'm more than one of your whores
don't start weighing me down

with "we" thoughts

for my doors
are too smart
to be set up for slaying
giving up eternity
for a wrong course
look, the dart
just hit
the bulls eye
so this is it-
my final good bye

________________

Transparent

my eyes
look
transparent
they see
the lies
that hook
into your life-arrogant
you can be
hear the good byes?
of all
your x's
they fill
a sea
you push they fall
this perplexes them till
their heart is broken permanently
They have everything to lose
you little scab
got nothing to choose
not life
not happiness
no love will ever come your way
for the strife and emptiness
surrounds you as a glove
you'll pay for all the pain
and lives
you stole
you'll see-
you live in vain
none of your wives
will help you out of this bottomless hole

________________

Hate

HATE

everything you say

HATE

how your smile makes me red

HATE

the way you touch me

LOVE

the way you touch me

HATE

that I like it

HATE

that you don't care about me

HATE

everything

LOVE

everything

HATE

loving everything

HATE

not knowing what you want

SICK

of not getting what I want

HATE

not knowing

HATE

thinking about "us"

LOVE

dreaming

HATE

you

LOVE

you

HATE

admitting I love you

SICK

of loving

TIRED

of not getting

HATE

being played with

LOVE

that smile

HATE

it after awhile

________________

Angry

I protected and loved you

on you I spent my every spare moment

This is what you wish to do?

This is my payment?

All that effort

my heart

the pain

I'm so hurt

you didn't love me from the start

it was all about what you could gain

I feel so rejected

don't understand

wish to crawl in bed

these thoughts I cannot stand

will not allow them to ruin me

I love you

but you never respected me

how could this happen?

why is this the way it must be?

________________

Due

I can't play this part you've given me

Sometimes I miss you with all my heart

then remember it's the way it must be

all other roles I can do

but like highway tolls

this one is due

it's real

so I cannot pretend

to not feel

cause in the end

my heart is what you'll steal

________________

You'd think

I'd be happy to know

it's just platonic

but I'm not

How screwy is that?

I complain and complain

then I want him

when he now

doesn't

________________

Flattery

You call

Flattery

act as if your 'thinking' of me

I don't want to fall

and allow your battery

to happen again to me

It hurts

sitting here

waiting for that ring

I know so well

But your kindness comes in spurts

and my biggest fear

is what I will bring

or sell

to you

I'm attracted

temptation knocks regularly

Sometimes I wish all you say is true

But then I'd be wed

and you'd be here with me

I'd hear the commitment of "I do"

There is silence

filling each cavity

inside my body

my heart is swollen

silence

I'm in captivity

I hope to be rescued by somebody

But then

I hear it again

those empty lies

My beating heart

your charming smirk

my hands full of blood

no more

I'm shutting my eyes

and going to pick a part

how it is you work

getting me to fall deep in love

even though I'm not who you adore

I will not listen

to silence anymore

Just don't call

okay?

________________

Pearls
____________________________________________

A famous man

once said

not to pretend with love

but how can you not?

when you’re on display

waiting for someone to take you home?

The dating game-

best foot forward

it's pretending

the not being open and honest

"right away" crap

fake

I hate fake

but it's what you get

in this pool of divers

searching for pearls

but what about the little pebbles?

Sitting there,

cute and so pure

nothing had to suffer

to make them "just right"

I'm a pebble

on the shore

waiting for my pebble

I don't want a pearl

made in the mouth of an oyster

man made by the book

rule follower-game player

The inside is just rock

just like the pebbles

but it takes longer to see

and once you do your stuck

with that—

and not what you thought they'd be

________________

Grow Up!

"People change."

that's what I told him

"they grow a part."

"Lead new and different lives"

he cried

"they do."

I mumbled

His head shook

"I'm only trying to be honest!"

my eyes shifted

years of friendship

shot in one second

'it was for the best'

I told myself

"really?"

he chuckles

"Give me back my things"

he orders

"What things?"

"The past, give me back my past."

He screamed.

"I can't"

I cried

"I'm sorry. I have to grow up."

"good-bye"

"No!"

Sometimes you have to lose your past to grow

No matter how much it hurts.

________________

Fix

You don't want me to be alone

so you try to fix me up

put me with someone that’s "right" for me

But am I right for them?

Am I safe to love?

Do I deserve a relationship?

Will I hurt him?

I'm good at that.

I must say,

Paranoia and fear envelop my whole being

I’m scared of this

Don't want to cause someone else harm

Can I love?

Will I open up?

Shall I die alone?

You don't want me to be alone.

So you pick the man for me.

I don't want to be miserable.

So I hide inside my walls.

Alone and scared and miserable anyway

________________

Wish

I wish I could tell you

the way I feel

I want to fall into your arms

and cry

holding you around the neck

you grasping my waist

-pulling me in close

so that my breasts are resting upon your chest

me caving in and out

my face cradled inside your neck

I wish-

to explain why I don't come near

why I act like I don't care

I want-

to admit how I feel when you call

and how much I like you

the glow in your eyes

those dimples

the compliments you give

how your flirting makes me feel

I regret-

that I see you give others

all that I've come to love

and hope was just for me

It hurts

cause I want you

but know your intentions are so untrue

what I would do

to be with you

but

I regret

your gone now

I want you

but

you've left again