Broken (21 page)

“
So. . . Who would like to
go first?” Helen asked.

Garrett and I sat there
silent.

“
Well, someone is going to
need to talk or this is a complete waste of your time,” Helen said
in an annoyed tone. “Would you like me to ask you questions or
would you like to just talk?”

I looked at Garrett and then at Helen.
“Questions.”

“
Questions are fine with
me too,” Garrett replied.

“
Okay, so let’s get this
started. My first question to both of you is if you could do
everything all over again would you? Leila, why don’t you
start?”

I could feel my palms begin to sweat.
I let go of Garrett’s hand and wiped it on my jeans. “Yes, I
would.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw
Garrett run his hands over his head. This was a sign of nerves and
aggravation. I was just unsure of what he was feeling.

“
Would you like to expand
on your answer?” Helen asked.

“
I think both of you know
how I feel about this. We were too young to have a baby. We had our
whole lives ahead of us and a baby would have destroyed that. Did I
go about it the wrong way? Absolutely, but nothing I say or do can
change that now.”

The three of us sat in silence for
about a minute. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Garrett, I was
afraid to see the look of disappointment in his eyes.

“
Garrett? How do you feel
about what Leila just said?”

Garrett cleared his throat and shifted
his weight away from me. “I’m not going to lie, Helen, it hurts to
hear her say that. I was hoping that she would have more
remorse.”

I closed my eyes, hoping this was all
a bad dream. I could tell by the tone in his voice, he was angry
with me.

I interrupted him, “Garrett, I’m sorry
how I handled things. I know I should have told you. I felt like if
I told you, you would have tried to talk me out of it.” I shifted
myself on the couch turning my body towards his. “Do you honestly
think it was an easy decision for me to make? I’ve had to live with
my decision every day of my life for four years.”

“
No, I don’t think it was
an easy decision, but I don’t think you should have made my
decision for me. I feel like I should have had a choice in the
matter. We certainly made that baby together.”

His words stung, and I was ready to
jump up and run out of here. I didn’t want to hear what he had to
say. I knew it was going to hurt. What if he actually listened to
what he was saying and realized that he didn’t forgive
me.

“
I need some water,” I
said abruptly. I stood up to walk to the water cooler that was
sitting in the corner of Helen’s office.

“
Garrett?” Helen
asked.

I stood with my back to Garrett and
Helen waiting for his response. There was a pause before he
responded.

“
Yes, I regret everything
I did and said,” he said remorsefully.

I looked over my shoulder looking in
his direction.

Turning in my direction, he said
softly, “I shouldn’t have made you feel guilty for your decision. I
know that now. But I have to say it still hurts.” He paused for a
moment. “That first year was really hard on me. I would see couples
with a baby, and my heart would break. I couldn’t help but think
that could’ve been our baby.”

His words were killing me inside. I
never stopped and really thought about how he had felt. I had only
thought about me and my future, never taking into consideration how
much he wanted me to have his baby. There was nothing I could do or
say to change what I had done. At that moment I finally realized he
was hurting just as much as I was.

“
Garrett I am so sorry,” I
said walking toward him. “I should have told you. I should have
listened to your feelings.” I began to sob.

Garrett quickly stood up and put his
arms around me. “Shhh. It’s okay. We are going to get through
this.” He pulled his body away from mine and wiped my tears. “I
love you and I don’t want to live without you,” he said kissing my
cheeks lightly.

“
Leila, please come sit, I
know this is difficult for you to discuss in front of Garrett, but
I feel it is necessary.” Helen said.

Shaking my head, I wiped my tears and
sat back down.

Helen looked at both of us. “I think
you two still have a lot to work on but if you can keep the lines
of communication open you are going to be just fine,” she said with
a reassuring smile. “I would like to see you two again next
week.”

Garrett and I looked at each other,
and both nodded our heads in agreement. Both of us left Helen’s
office feeling hopeful about our future, and I knew I was going to
do everything in my power to keep Garrett in my life. I was not
going to hide anything else from him.

On our next appointment, I was much
more at ease and very optimistic. Helen was already waiting for us
when we arrived and we immediately went into her office.

“
So, how have things
between you two been since our last session?” Helen
asked.

Garrett and I looked and at one
another and smiled. “Great,” I replied. “Things have been really
great.”

“
Good, I am glad to hear
it. Now let’s move onto another topic,” she said turning to
Garrett. “Garrett I would like to know a little more about you.
Leila has told me about what happened to you Afghanistan, but what
I am curious about is after your recovery and return to the
Marines. What have you been up to? I am fully aware of Leila’s past
as I am sure you are.”

I glanced nervously at
Garrett.

Garrett took my hand. “What do you
want to know?” Garrett asked.

“
Have you had any serious
girlfriends?”

Garrett squeezed my hand gently. “No
not really.”

“
What does not really mean
exactly?” Helen asked.

“
Yeah, I dated girls.” He
squeezed my hand again.

This conversation was beginning to
make me nervous. I knew exactly where Helen was going with this.
She and I had this same conversation when I first started seeing
her. I began to fidget in my seat. I was completely content on
knowing that he hadn’t slept with anyone. I really didn’t want to
hear about his ex-girlfriends.

“
Was there anyone
special?”

Garrett hesitated before he spoke.
“There was one girl her name was Amanda. We dated for about six
months.”

“
And why did it end?”
Helen asked.

“
She told me she loved
me,” Garrett said softly.

“
And you didn’t love her
back?” Helen encouraged him to keep going.

“
I cared for her but I
could never give her my heart.” He paused. “I wanted to love her
and I really tried to. . . But there was nothing there. My heart
belonged to someone else. It always had. When I told her I didn’t
love her, she was pissed. She called me a cold hearted bastard and
hoped someday someone would break my heart like I did hers. I tried
to explain that it was nothing that she did and that it was all me.
But she just laughed at me. I never saw her again after
that.”

I sat in silence not knowing what to
do or say. I clenched his hand tightly not wanting to let
go.

“
How did that make you
feel when she said that to you?”

“
To be honest, I didn’t
feel anything. I knew I was an asshole to her. I knew she was
falling for me and I guess I hoped that maybe I could eventually
love her.” He stopped and took a deep breath. “The only time I felt
anything was when the needle hit my skin when I got a tattoo. I
guess that is why I am covered in them now,” he laughed looking
down at his arms.

“Why do you think you didn’t love her?
Was it her? Or was it you?”

I felt Garrett’s entire body stiffen up
at Helen’s question.

“I couldn’t put my heart out there
again. I wasn’t ready. I was still. . .” He looked over at me. “I
was still grieving.”

A single tear ran down my cheek, and I
quickly wiped it away before either of them could see
it.

“What were you grieving?”

He ran his hand through his hair.
“Everything. . . My leg, combat, the life I once had, the life I
almost had.” He paused. “The life of our baby.”

“And now?” Helen asked
softly.

“Now. . . I got my Babe back,” he said
smiling at me. “I am ready to start my life with her.” He raised my
hand to his mouth kissing it softly.

“Leila, how does what Garrett just
shared with us make you feel?” Helen asked.

“It breaks my heart to know he spent
time with someone else, someone that loved him,” I said softly.
“But I don’t have anyone to blame but myself.”

“Leila you and Garrett are not here to
blame one another and that is not what he just did. You two are
here to heal and work through these things together. I already told
you it wasn’t going to be easy.”

“I know,” I said, hanging my
head.

“Leila you need to let go of the guilt.
Garrett has already said he has forgiven you, now it is time for
you to forgive yourself. I want to see you both back in two
weeks.”

As we left Helen’s office, I felt like
my head was spinning. I wasn’t exactly sure what just happened and
again, I was feeling broken hearted by his words. I was beginning
to really question if we were going to be able to move on from all
of this.

“Leila? What’s the matter?” He asked
with concern in his voice.

I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s nothing.
Don’t worry about it.”

He stopped me in the hallway of Helen’s
office building. “It’s obviously something, Leila. Please tell
me.”

“Can we talk when we get home? I really
don’t want to do this here,” I pleaded.

He sighed. “Sure but I’m not letting
this go you remember what Helen said. We need to keep communicating
to each other and right now you are shutting me out.”

I sat silent in the car the entire ride
back to my apartment rehearsing exactly what I was going to say. I
knew he was going to grill me as soon as we set foot in my
apartment. To be completely honest, I didn’t even know what was
wrong. I was feeling jealous because some girl fell in love with
him. I was angry that I fucked everything up between us. Then it
dawned on me. I was upset and angry because what if he would have
fallen in love with her too? My stomach began to turn, and I
immediately rolled down the window for some fresh air.

“You need me to pull over? You don’t
look too good.”

“No. I’m fine. Just get me
home.”

I felt the car accelerate as he took my
hand in his gently rubbing his thumb in my palm. Just the touch of
his hand on mine made the butterflies in my stomach flutter. I
couldn’t help but wonder if she had the same feeling when he
touched her. I shifted around in my seat trying to stay calm, but I
could feel my anger building inside. I had no one to be angry at
but myself, but I couldn’t help it.

Garrett pulled into the
parking lot, and I shot out of the car and raced up the stairs to
my apartment. The only thing I could think about was him with her.
Holding her hand, kissing her, touching her. How far did he go with
her?
Fucking Helen!
I stepped through my door and immediately hit up the cabinet
that held my vodka bottle. As I poured myself a shot Garrett walked
in.

“What the fuck, Leila?”

“What?” I said as I raised the glass to
my mouth.

“Is this how you are going to solve all
your problems? By taking a shot every time something is bothering
you?” His voice was getting louder.

“I don’t solve all my problems with
drinking,” I snapped back.

“Oh really?” He said taking the shot
glass from my hand. He leaned in close to me and led me to the
couch. “Will you please talk to me? I can’t fix it or make you feel
better if you shut me out.”

I let out a huge sigh and followed his
lead to the couch. He sat down and pulled me onto his lap leaning
his head into mine. “Spill it.”

I shook my head. “You are going to
think it is the stupidest thing in the world.”

“How do you know that?” He
smiled.

“Because it is the stupidest thing in
the world.”

“Let me be the judge of that,” he said
pushing my hair behind my ear.

“I’m jealous.”

“You’re what?” He laughed.

“I’m jealous,” I repeated pushing
myself off his lap.

He began to laugh even harder and
pulled me back onto him.

“What the fuck are you jealous about?
I’m sorry I’m laughing but you really have me confused.”

“You and that girl. . . I can’t stand
the thought of her loving you.” I snapped.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. I am serious. The thought of her
touching and kissing you. UGH!”

“Babe, she was nothing. She meant
nothing. I told you in Helen’s office I couldn’t give my heart to
her, it was still with you. Please let this go.” He moved his head
closer to mine and slowly and gently kissed my cheek. “I love you,”
he whispered in my ear. “I always have and I always
will.”