Broken (6 page)

I got there a little after noon praising myself for remembering my downtime clothes, I noticed a few guys I had seen the night I picked Cam up from the hotel. I crawled down out of the monster Avalanche which also happened to be white and let my tiny bronze body slip slowly to the ground. I jerked off my heels and replaced them with a pair of Chonclas or in English FLIP FLOPS. Slowly running my hands up my silky legs, all the while knowing they are watching. I had on my bright orange swimsuit I knew Cam would remember but over that I had a pair of shredded whitewashed blue jean shorts that covered less than my bikini bottoms. I did a small stretch motioned for Gus to unload the mini monster I brought. I popped my neck in the direction of tinker bell and grabbed the ponytail and visor off the seat. I flipped my head over to secure the ponytail on top of my head then applied the hat. Ah yep still staring, out comes my green apple chap stick and I apply that slowly.(yep another quirk I have a thing for green apple) I may be in Mississippi but I know my body works here the same as it does at home and I will remind Cam what he had. “Are we going to ride? I mean you invited me Cam.” Tinker bell grabbed Cams hand while squealing “IM WITH YOU CAM BABY” yea I saw her cut her eyes at me. I jumped up on my white Honda cut the key on and revved it up. Giving off the naughtiest smile I could. “Anyone want to ride with me? I never actually drove one so I may need some hands on experience” at that I had about 3 ready to kill each other finally a cute guy with a lil mexi in him won out and off we went. I drove and at every stop to climb higher I would stand up a little like I couldn’t see over the front and wiggle in front of his face only because Cam was watching and getting pissed I could see it.  The guy who I’ve learned is Graven reached up to steady me and grabbed my ass, like flash I had his wrist bent back right in his face “ Don’t you ever fucking put your hands on me, I will rip your shit off and feed it to the pigs, you got that GRAV-EN” I all but spit at him. Great now Cam has a shit eating grin on his face, he knows my number 1 rule is YOU DON’T TOUCH ME. We stop I get off, I’m in the middle of a damn creek with no one here I trust except Cameron, could I trust him if things got out of hand? Yes but I don’t really need him I can handle myself against these country boys.  After what seemed like forever Cam came over whispered to Graven who then got up off my 4wheeler and walked over to Cams and climbed on the front. Tinker bell had a messed up look like she was about to cry. While I was standing there staring at her with confusion Cam reached his hand out to me “Come on Lexi I’ll drive ya for awhile, I want to show you something anyways” Climbing on my hands rested on his hips as I ran them up his side to get a grip I could feel the magnetic hum running through my body I always got when I touched him. Yes its still there I don’t believe I would feel it if he had stopped caring. I couldn’t help but dig in deep and let out a wet moan & let my eyes roll back just a bit, I felt at home. This was where I was supposed to be, this is what I came after. For once today I could really smile and breathe just a little. Of course the bitch in me caused me look over at tinkerbell and wink as we drove off.

After what seemed like forever we were at a tiny little waterfall. Nothing amazing but I had
Cam and he seemed lost in thought. This is where he tells me I wasted my trip I can feel it coming. He won’t even look at me. “Cam is that girl you’re Ellie?” the dam breaks and  he screams at me “LEXI YOU DON’T GET TO SAY THAT TO ME DO YOU UNDERSTAND” (grabbing my arms a little too hard but lowering his voice) “you told me to go Lexi you told me to leave and never look back, I cried! CRIED for you like a baby, I wanted to hold you and tell you how I felt but YOU but YOU gave me no choice refusing me and anything I offered. I know I am not rich or famous or even that good looking but Lexi I could have given you one thing no one else could’ve, ME I wanted to make you smile everyday, to hear your beautiful laugh, I wanted to hold you when you cried, hell I wanted you to hold me. I just wanted you to want me. And that girl that’s Anna she’s been like a sister to me since we were kids, she knows all about you that’s why she was  throwing daggers at you, she loves me for me and doesn’t understand how you can’t. WHY ARE YOU HERE?” with that he shoulders slumped he completely dejected. Had he just told me he loved me in too many words? I stared at him not knowing what to say or should I say it? Can I fix this with those 3 words? I guess I better try it has to be now or I can just go home. I hear the hum but this time it’s the approaching 4 wheelers not my heart. I look as deep in Cams eyes as I can “Cameron (GAWD MY VOICE IS SHAKY) I…I…I (head drops) this shouldn’t be so hard to say but I am so scared of losing those I care for the most and me sending you away wasn’t because I didn’t want you, it was because.. because…(sigh, head back up) Ok here goes Cameron at the risk of sounding cheesy I have to tell you I have fallen for the boy from Countryville USA, I LOVE YOU Cameron for who you are, I want nothing from you but you, I want you to want me the way I want you, and not by following on my leash but standing beside me and wanting to be there. Cameron I just want, just need you to love me the way I love you & I only sent you away to save you” I  whisper the last part with my head hung it seemed like hours I waited to hear him tell me he loved me, but it never came. Just when I was about to turn away he grabbed my tiny form up and hugged me so close grasping my chin he pulled me to his mouth, it was the most exotic passionate kiss I had ever had in my entire life. I wrapped my legs around him and pulled my hands around his neck tight, fisting my hands in his hair all the tension melted away as he gripped my butt with one hand and my lower back with the other. I grinded my hips against him letting out another muffled moan,  I knew I didn’t weigh much so he wasn’t going to drop me but when the hoots and squeals started I jerked out of my own head, seeing the others had pulled up where we were. “Does this mean I get ta lik’er now Cams, gosh I sure do hope so she’s so stinkin cute I could just eat’er up” I turned to see the country slang was spewed from none other than tinker bell ehh I mean Anna. I smiled big and turned back to Cameron to finish what we started with the sweetest loving kiss on the tip of his nose & with that he slid down and put my feet on the ground.

After a great afternoon and the guys loading my 4 wheeler back up Cameron and I decided he would pick me up at the hotel to show me around town and how he lived. I can breathe again it’s going to be ok now.

It’s almost 7 and I was still in my towel when my cell beeped.

CAMERON- see you in 10 baby

Throwing on a very plain for me halter style dress in cerulean blue, I really miss the ocean, I dropped the towel from my hair scrunched it with a little moose and let it be free, because that’s how I feel. I choose a pair of crystal stoned flip flops as they call them here and through my sunglasses on my head to hold my hair back and I was ready when the knock came. I opened it grinning like a fat kid at an all you can eat candy and cake buffet.
  I was about to live like the rest of the world. He grabbed me up into a fist clenching kiss and sighed as he sat me down. Grabbing my bag we headed out to his old Tacoma pickup and away he whisked me for our fairytale to start.

And at first it did, he took me to an awesome Mexican grille
In the mall, where no one attacked me or took my picture, I was normal here. Makes me wonder why Cam kept checks of me on online before we met, I bet it’s because Alex was so close to me. Ouch I kind of realize I miss Maggie now. After a long silly supper we went to a local bar where we snagged a few bar side chairs and I was surprised when I heard my name called and was handed a mic..OMG I WILL KILL HIM. After spending 5 minutes changing and picking a song I turned to face a not so happy crowd, however Cam sat there smiling. The music started and my hips did a slow move, my eyes closed, & when I opened my mouth the people shut theirs! It was another well kept secret … this chicka could sing! I opened my eyes finally at the part where it said “you are my everything and my everything is you, it’s all because of you I’m never sad and blue” and at that moment Cam knew it was meant for him and there would never be anyone else for me. I saw the change in his eyes, he knew I was taken by him and I had never felt so at peace in all my life. I was finally THE RICHEST girl alive! Mary J said it perfect with this song and whoever “everything” was about to her, he was a lucky man as was the man standing here with a small tear in his eye. The song ended and I winked at the dj handing him the mic about to walk over to Cam but to my surprise he was at my side with me hugged up close to him and his lips where on mine. As I slowly slid down his body I lost myself all I wanted was to devour him on the spot to give him what he deserved. To make love to him like I never had anyone in my whole life. The ride back to my hotel was interested with me sitting in his lap facing him devouring his face, neck, and chest. I wanted this man now!

We couldn’t make it to the room fast enough we were ripping at each
others clothes while my legs were wrapped around his waist, slamming into walls along the way, I ran my arms around his neck and arched back to give him full access to my neck. He had his hands gripping my under thighs tight I could feel him pressed against me and my breathing became panting more so than actual breathing. I wanted him no scratch that I needed him. He was the one, I could tell, because his man in heat smell didn’t make me want to gag. I loved the way the sweat mixed with his body wash he was just so much man. UHHH IMMA BUST! Finally getting the door open to my room and stumbling to the bed we were almost there, he pushed my halter down and rubbed his hands across my chest I all but screamed at the tightness I felt, about to physically connect and Cam groans not the sweet want you on my body groan but he FUCK ME IVE SCREWED UP GROAN. “LEXI BABY please don’t be mad I don’t have a condom I totally forgot, I haven’t needed one so it never even crossed my mind, DAMN IT ” his whole body slumps forward as he lets his head fall into my chest. As he sat there looking at the floor I could not help but think BABY JESUS it isn’t meant to be. Well that is my sign to tell Cam something I had never told anyone albeit Dr Alpine, my parents who in turn told Val and Gus. The only time the story was told in whole was when I had to explain it to the NYPD back before my parents passed away. I wanted Cam but he needed to understand what I was, he needed to know before we made this move because once it was made and we moved forward it meant a life change for us both. I refuse to live without him, if   he chooses to walk away from me, I’m not sure what I will do. And after the story I am about to lay on him I wouldn’t blame him. Who wants a broken disaster, someone who can never be whole again? However Cam was filling that emptiness in me, I’m just not sure if it could last. I have to tell him I have to give him a chance to run, to see me for who and what I am, I need to know if he stays he understands the depth of my fucked upness. He has to know I am worthless, unworthy of his love and that I alone killed my parents, which is why I run the company without complaint even thou I hate it dearly. I hate the life I live and the bull that goes with it. I want to stay with Cam and live where I am just a normal HOT but normal girl walking the mall, getting my nails done, and maybe oh maybe in my messed up head I can be the girl who gets to finish what she started and actually sell my designs to the stars ANON of course I’d hate to live in that light again. YEA RIGHT now I am dreaming… where’s Channing Tatum in this dream damn it!!!

Well here goes…

“Cam I need to talk to you anyways, if we are going to do this, and I hope we do, there are some dark parts of my past I want you to be aware of. You need to know me and what I am capable of doing. I don’t want any secrets so I need to tell you now while I have the nerve” I set here on a big not so comfy bed half naked my hair and makeup a mess. “Cam my parents died in their plane ride home from New York My freshman year of college, I was in college in NY at 17 because I worked my ass off in high school and graduated early so I could start my dream of designing amazing clothes. The dresses I wear are mine. I design and sew them each to fit me the way I want I never tell anyone where I get them so I don’t have to answer questions. Anyway back to the point of this story. When I left for NY there was a big party for me and I had always been told one day I would be as beautiful as my mother, the party was much of the same except now it was all “we were right she has turned into a carbon copy of her mother beautiful from the toes to her nose but those eyes set her apart” well I get to college and everything is great. I go wild of course like most girls do I had a girlfriend and a boyfriend or 3 but it was all in fun I just wanted to experience life but at 17 I had trouble getting into clubs like the rest of them, so more and more I found myself attending parties and after parties with the others at school. One of the guys I had become close to was big into baseball and was trying to get into the minor leagues with a few other buddies from a JC close by. It started out as a fun party, lots of people around as the hours went on most people had left, including my buddy, I was plastered and  couldn’t hardly stand. I had been dancing with everyone and kissing anyone who wanted to kiss. It was just for fun but the one guy started getting a little frisky and I was ready to go, I looked around for the guy  I came with but he was gone. It was me and these 4 guys left in the room. The poker table was there so they wanted me to dance. I was up for it because in my head it got me away from Mr. touchy to muchy so with a little help up on the table I went  to dancing and laughing (I look up at cam he is he is still listening)  the next thing I know one of them jerked my legs out from under me I crashed down on the table busting my head and before I could move 1 guy had my hands pinned above my head and   the other guys had one leg each and Mr. touchy  was one of them, somehow they got me pinned down and then decided they would each take a turn. Using random baseball terms they each had a turn at bat, so they laughed every time they said it. And after about 30-40 minutes that seemed like years they all four had (at this point I am barely able to finish but I have to I look up at cam again and his face is twisted and red, is he mad? Or feeling like I betrayed him? I can’t read him) Made it around once and it started over. First it was pinned down then they turned me over made their ways around from the back. Afterwards they decided they wanted to hold me on top and force me to move, one even made me open my mouth and made sure if I bit down they would make me regret it. After they all had their way as many times as they could I thought they would leave me alone and let me go. I cried and begged but they were made to stop and be replaced with forced groans and noises of their choice. Just when I thought it was over Mr. touchy himself had a grand idea, and then it went from them to the objects of their choice. Beer bottles, brooms, just whatever they could find. It was horrible and embarrassing, I finally passed out and when I woke up I was home alone. Someone knew who I was and where to leave me which meant they knew where to find me. I was so scared I called my mom they flew up to help me pack my things. I was going home. After police reports which were pointless I knew no names of the guys I was left with but kind of remembered how I got there. KIND OF!!!  I went home only to end up sick, a few weeks later to my knowledge I was pregnant. At 17 I was knocked up and no clue who the dad was.  I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t believe in abortion but how could I love someone who reminded me of the worst thing in my life? I was so lost. How could a little fun turn into such a horrible thing?  My own father had trouble looking at me. One day about 3 months into it I was making my way down the stairs at home to talk to my mom about 1 of the guys they caught and I slipped & face first I went down, after  a 2 day stay at the hospital I was informed I had lost the baby. I cried but I wasn’t sure if it was because I was sad or relieved. Honestly I am still not sure. My mom and dad made 1 more trip to NY to sign forms and pick up police reports and grab the last of my belongings. Before they left I told my mom it was her fault had I not looked like her and finally grown into a beautiful woman they would have never looked twice at me, the night they headed home the plane crashed and they were both gone. I never got to tell her I was sorry. So within 4 months I was rapped, pregnant, lost my child, & lost both of my parents and never once got to right my wrongs. The great DR APLINE decided I need to join a support group so I did and guess what (is he still with me? OMG why is he staring at me like that? Ok I gotta hurry before I lose him) in that support group I meet a lot of people who went through some things like me just not more than 1, they had been rapped or lost a child or a parent but never all of the above like me. I never wanted to touch another person as long as I lived until I met Corrine, she was a dominatrix because she refused to be a victim, she told me as long as she had control she could have that life and it kept all feelings closed out and no one ever touched her. So I tried it and it worked. I was finally able to have a life even if it wasn’t fulfilling I was able to take out all my pain on a sub. I had 1 sub he even choose me to be his only Dom & it worked great until Corrine came along and promised him the world. He went with her knowing I would never give him the things she offered or let him come back, he was just an object to me but he was mine. I had a few others along the way and somehow Corrine always found out whom and took them to, and as always I was alone again. The night at the first party I had every thought of asking you to stay and be my new sub I wanted you and not to share. When she walked up I wanted to claw her face off, but I think it was more than knowing she saw a new potential sub. She couldn’t have you. But then when I finally got you home and tied you up to give you a small taste of the life I was offering I just … I just couldn’t Cam your body hanging there called to me but not to hurt you or punish you for a crime you didn’t commit but for you to hold me to keep me close safe even, you made me want more, to be trusting and allow myself to feel again. It scared me and I sent you away I didn’t want to feel anything I couldn’t let someone into my life that way, you would just leave like everyone else. Then when you were gone my heart just shattered like I didn’t know it could. I couldn’t breathe Cam I laid in that bed and cried and begged and pleaded. I couldn’t work or eat. I hit my knees and prayed to a GOD I thought had turned his back on me years ago. I begged for a second chance at a life I knew I wanted. And it lead me here to you. Cam I know I am freaking you out I wish you would look at me and tell me what you’re thinking (he didn’t look up) Cam please no matter what happens after this I want you to know. I love you like nothing I’ve ever loved, I love you with all that I am my heart, soul, and body, I love you like I’ve never loved myself. You are it for me my everything without you I am nothing I am just broken. Forever waiting to be loved. Please Cam tell me what you’re thinking I’m begging.” He sits here after I poor my heart out he just sits here on the edge of the bed with his head in his
palms staring down at his stupid fucking feet seriously? WTF HELL-OOOO ok ok I need to calm down he is processing, yep I just laid a life time of SHIT on him and he has to process, at least he stayed to hear it and didn’t run for the hills screaming….YET! I can’t take it any longer I get up and change into my night clothes. Pulling the old ragged sweat shirt down over my head I thought I caught Cam looking, I made my way to the bathroom  combed my hair out  brushed my teeth and headed to the bed. Cam had not moved. I sit down on top of the covers. “Cam it’s obvious you have nothing to say to me so just leave, don’t feel guilty for it just go I promise. I understand and I don’t expect you to want anything to do with me after what I told you I have done.” I roll over and pull my special pillow (yes it’s the frog get over it) up close to my face and felt the tears start running down but I didn’t move or let the sobs rack me I would not give him the satisfaction of  knowing he had broken what I was sure was broke all along. Why is it every time I start to heal I break again? At this rate there won’t be anything left. I felt the bed give way and I heard a sound I knew all too well, only proving so when I heard the door click. My life had just walked out on me; he left and took my worth with him. I was literally alone and I deserved it. Cam deserved better than a broken bitch. I was tainted and everything I touched ended up that way. Better stop by the shelter on my way home and grab a few cats because that was as good as it got for me, humm maybe I can figure out what those little pockets on their ears are for?!.

Not sure how long I cried but I woke to the sun streaming through the window. Without thought, on autopilot I was up and dressing in my Dior mafia style velour jumpsuit. Gus had already called and had my plane being fueled ready to go. I sent my newly bought
  atv on its way to the house via ups. I had kind of liked it!  With my huge Gucci shades covering my face and a star bucks in my hand I pulled the hood over my head and plugged in my headphones. Gus knew the way and it was a long ride back to Memphis, I was just ready to be home. I dozed the whole way back to Miami, the car ride sucked but once on the plane I felt back in place. My CEO took over I used the bathroom to clean up and get myself in order! Once I had my make up done and a pair of black strapped stilettos on I felt better. Not to mention the banging cream colored ruffle romper style short set I was rocking. Top it off with my long pearls and the huge flower to match in my messy side bunned hair, I was ready to be back in Miami and try to get on with life. Apparently this was the only one waiting for me.