Broken (11 page)

“You called your job?” he asked.

Cursing under her breath, she picked up the phone. A brief conversation later, she turned to get the eggs. Max had scooped them up onto plates and set them on the table. Cassidy scowled as she joined him. The man messed with her ability to think clearly. She’d forgotten to call the clinic and tell them she’d be out, and she’d walked away from the stove in the middle of scrambling eggs. Only Max’s intervention had kept them from burning.

“Problem?”

“What? Oh, no. I was thinking about something else,” she mumbled.

As soon as they finished, she rose to clear the table. “By the time we reach Philly, the office should be open. Since I’m getting there early, I shouldn’t have to wait too long.”

“We,” he corrected as he stood. “We shouldn’t have to wait too long. You get Zoe’s bag and I’ll get Zoe.”

Cassidy glanced at her daughter who had slumped in her high chair, fast asleep. A puddle of drool covered one cheek. She wanted to protest and send Max for the bag instead, but he already had Zoe in his arms and was wetting a paper towel to clean her face.

Reluctantly, she went to retrieve the diaper bag and her purse. Mentally she chastised herself.
You can’t say you want to him to be a father to Zoe and block him whenever he tries to be one. Get it together, Cassidy
.

When she returned, Max held out his hand. Cassidy stared at him blankly.

“I need the keys so I can put Zoe in her car seat,” he explained.

“Oh.” She placed them in his hand.

He led the way out the side door and into the small garage. She went around to the driver’s side while he attended to Zoe. When she opened the door, Max glanced over and said, “I can drive.”

“No,” she said, more sharply than she intended.

He arched a brow. “All right,” he drawled.

Flushing, she explained. “Since the accident, I’m…uneasy…on the highway unless I’m the one driving.”

Max’s expression melted into one of sympathy. “Good thing it doesn’t damage my manly ego to be driven by a female.”

She smiled, as he’d so obviously intended. Once he was in the passenger seat with his seatbelt fastened, she pressed the remote to open the garage. He held his silence as she reversed out, pausing to seal the garage, and out onto the road.

“We were arguing…” she heard herself say. Out of her peripheral vision she caught Max’s surprised glance. “…the day the accident happened. We’d just left Nell’s house. If you remember, I’d arranged for Phillip’s mother to be our arbiter. She made sure each of us was sticking to the terms of the agreement. She’d confronted Phillip about some of the websites he’d recently visited on his computer. He hadn’t crossed the line yet, but was definitely edging towards it.”

Cassidy checked both mirrors, observed the way was clear, and switched lanes. “Anyway, he was pissed at being called out and, I believe, the strain of not being able to watch porn was getting to him. He swore he wasn’t addicted but…” She sighed. “He started complaining, placing blame. He accused me of having had no intentions of giving reconciliation with him an honest chance. Said I was simply bidding my time, waiting to be free. He wanted to renegotiate the terms of our agreement. When I refused, it got ugly. He said…” She paused, not wanting to go into specifics because even after all this time, the words still had the power to wound. “He said a lot of nasty, hurtful things.”

Beside her, Max stirred, and she noticed his hands clench into fists.

“His accusations stung, mostly because they were true. However, I’d been honest about my intentions to go through with the divorce right from the beginning. That didn’t mean I wasn’t actively participating with the marriage counseling. We simply had two different goals. Phillip wanted to fix our marriage. I knew it was beyond repair. I wanted us to learn how to function as a parenting unit for Zoe’s sake. At the time, I believed Phillip was Zoe’s father and I didn’t want there being any bitterness or animosity between us.”

Cassidy swallowed hard before taking a deep, steadying breath. Her fingers hurt and she realized she was gripping the steering wheel too tight. She took a few seconds to stretch her hands. “Phillip wasn’t the only one angry. I had a lot of pent up hostility stored inside, and not all of it was directed toward Phillip. He’d been pressuring me for months. ‘
Move in with me. Let me move in with you. Why won’t you give me a key to your apartment? What are you trying to hide? Why won’t you have sex with me? I have needs, damn it. Stop tensing up when I touch you.’
On and on it went until finally I blew up.”

In her mind, she went back to that day, that moment. If she could undo do it all, would the outcome be different? Would Phillip still be alive if he hadn’t been distracted at that critical second? “I yelled, ‘
You know what your problem is? You’re too stupid to realize when someone no longer wants you. I don’t love you. I don’t want to be married to you. Why can’t you get that through your thick head?
’

“We were glaring at each other when all around us horns began blaring. Brakes were screaming and cars skidding all over the place. We glanced forward to see the minivan bearing down on us. Phillip cursed. I screamed. He swerved, trying to avoid a head-on collision. His side took the brunt of the impact.”

Metal crunching, glass breaking, the violent jerk of the seatbelt as it snapped taut
.
Burning rubber,
s
pinning and lurching and being whipped around
. Blinking tears away, she wiped her face and hoped Max didn’t notice. “I must have passed out. When I came to, blood was everywhere.”

Cassidy shuddered, not wanting to remember but unable to forget. She could still see it. Smell the metallic scent of it. Feel its sticky wetness. The way the cold wind had swept into the car carrying the scent of burnt rubber and gasoline. The utter confusion and pandemonium around them as people tried to figure out what happened. The yells of would-be rescuers as they tried in vain to get her and Phillip out of the crushed car.

“I think Phillip was knocked unconscious too. When he revived, his first question was about the baby. Was she okay? I lied and told him yes, but I didn’t know. My leg was crushed. I could see it but couldn’t feel it, so I knew it was bad. I also knew I was bleeding and having contractions.”

Max reached over and laid a hand on her thigh.

“I wasn’t in love with Phillip anymore. He’d managed to kill that, but I still loved him. I didn’t realize how much until we sat there, waiting on rescue arrive, him slowly bleeding to death in my arms. Phillip knew he was dying. I could see it in his eyes.” She’d been so helpless. There she was, a doctor who’d saved countless lives, and she’d been powerless to help Phillip. She delivered babies for a living, yet she could feel their child slipping away from her with every minute that passed.

She and Phillip had talked, really talked, with a level of openness they’d never shared before. Then, when it was too late, he’d apologized for the pain he’d caused her. Said how much he loved her, had always loved her, and would always love her. She’d made him promises, begged him not to give up, to hold on. Told him she was sorry for her part in the destruction of their marriage and that, of course, she still loved him. How foolish of her to think she didn’t. He needed to live, for her, for their baby. They’d been together too long for things to end this way.

He’d smiled, gentle and peaceful like, and said, “Tell my mother I love her. Name the baby Zoe if it’s a girl. Phillip Junior if it’s a boy. I always liked the idea of having a junior. There’s more than enough insurance money to take care of the both of you.” He’d tried to raise his arm to cup her cheek but was too weak to manage it. She’d gripped his hand and brought it to her face. His voice was barely a whisper when he continued. “I love you, baby. So tired now. I’m just going to close my eyes for a minute and try to get some sleep. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine.”

His body had slumped and she’d felt the last breath leave his body. Smelled the release of body fluids and waste as his internal organs relaxed and knew he was gone. And, had the terrifying realization if medical help didn’t reach her soon, she’d join Phillip in death.

Cassidy didn’t relay any of this to Max. “It was the last time I saw him. By time I was able to leave the hospital, his family had buried him.” And she’d been denied closure and a chance to make peace with her part in Phillip’s death.

“I’m sorry,” Max said quietly. “Sorry Phillip died under those circumstances. I was angry with him for his betrayal, but we were friends once.”

Yes, Cassidy acknowledged, they had been. Best friends. When she’d met Phillip, he and Max had already known each other and had roomed together in college for two years.

“After the accident, I started having panic attacks. I still have flashbacks and nightmares. My grief counselor called it Survivor’s Guilt. I can drive on the expressway without freaking,” she assured him. “And I no longer go into spasms when I see a car approaching from the opposite direction, but I still haven’t reached the point where I can sit in the passenger seat while someone else is driving.”

Max lifted her hand and brought it to his mouth, placing a kiss on it. He gave it a gentle squeeze and said quietly, “Thank you for telling me.”

Cassidy tugged her hand free and compulsively returned it to its ten o’clock position on the steering wheel. She hadn’t reached the point in her mental recovery where she felt comfortable driving with one hand. She fell silent as she turned onto the on ramp for I-76.

Beads of cold sweat gathered on the nape of her neck and would linger until she passed the accident site. To distract herself and the budding panic attack, she considered her conversation with Max.

Why had she told him? He hadn’t asked any questions when she said she’d preferred to drive. Hell, even if he had, she could have simply said, “It’s my car.” Plenty of people refused to let others operate their vehicles. Some of it was for insurance purposes. For others, it was simply personal preference. Men did it all the time. Quite frankly, she hadn’t had to give Max a reason at all. A simple no would have sufficed.

So why had she bared her soul?

Cassidy was open about her physical injuries and how she’d obtained them. Maybe it was the doctor in her, but discussing them didn’t bother her in the least. However, she never spoke of the details of the accident itself. Those moments leading up to the crash and what happened in the hours or so while she was trapped in the vehicle as first responders struggled to reach their vehicle were taboo. Even her family didn’t know. When asked, she usually claimed her memory was hazy or said she’d been in and out of consciousness so didn’t actually know what happened.

Only three people knew the truth. Nell, Phillip’s mother, had been her caretaker during her long recovery. More than one night she’d shattered the stillness with her screams as she relieved the crash in her dreams. At first, she’d tried to hold it all inside, but Nell had finally convinced her to talk about it. The goal being that she lessen the power the memories held over her.

When talking with Nell hadn’t helped, her mother-in-law had recommended grief counseling. Since her mental state was hindering her physical healing progress, Cassidy had reluctantly agreed. She’d come away with a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with an extra helping of Survivor’s Guilt. Counseling helped her get a better handle on her emotions but hadn’t completely cured her. That was something only time could do.

The third person who knew was her best friend Erika. Cassidy smiled. Erika and Nell had both been her rock. They’d pushed her and challenged her. First to live when she frankly hadn’t wanted to, and to walk again when even the specialists had doubted it would ever happen. Because of those two women, she’d beaten the odds. Yes, she occasionally walked with a limp, but she could walk.

Now Max knew. Not every gritty detail, but she’d told him an abnormal amount. Later she’d sit down and figure out why.

Cassidy glanced around at the landscape and realized she’d passed the mile marker where Phillip had died. Breathing an inward sigh of relief, she relaxed into the driver’s seat and turned her thoughts to more pleasant things as the car ate up the miles.

Deeply troubled, Max stared unseeing out the passenger window. Somewhere along the way he’d stopped thinking of Phillip as a person. He’d merely been an obstacle standing in the way of what Max wanted—Cassidy. Upon hearing of the man’s death, he’d felt only relief. However, hearing Cassidy’s account of the accident, what little she’d shared, he felt shame.

A man had lost his life, a human being. Max had no right to rejoice over the loss.

Over the last two years whenever he thought of Phillip, it was colored with the icy rage he’d felt when he’d walked into that vacation rental and found Phillip and Amber together. Amber, the woman he’d thought to make his wife, her tousled blond head between Phillip’s knees as his dark shaft slid in and out of her plump lips. And Phillip, his face lax in intense sexual pleasure, one big, meaty hand toying with the pink nipple of Amber’s generous globes, the other thrust between her thighs, his fingers penetrating her pussy. Phillip, whose betrayal had cut him deeper than Amber’s ever could.

But before that incident, Phillip had been a friend. More, he’d been a brother. The only man closer to him had been Nicco. They’d roomed together, studied together, and exercised together. They’d spent hours discussing and debating points of law. In undergraduate school, they’d play some of the same sports, and on weekends, hit the same bars and clubs.

In law school, when things had gotten tough, they’d encouraged each other, challenged each other, and celebrated together upon earning their degrees. When Max had passed the Bar, Phillip was the first person he’d told. He’d been just as excited for Phillip’s success as he’d been for his own.

Rarely would you see him without Phillip. When Phillip married Cassidy, Max had been his best man. Phillip would have been his best man when he married. He would have been Phillip’s first child’s godfather and Phillip would have been godfather to his. There was nothing he wouldn’t have done for Phillip and he’d known Phillip felt the same about him.