BROKEN (17 page)

I was honest with her and she
has
accepted that there can never be anything more than what there is now.
 
I thank God for giving me a woman who can understand that it would be more selfish of me to offer marriage and a family knowing from the beginning it was doomed to failure, rather than to offer only myself.
 
For now it’s enough for her, but I can’t help being afraid
 
that one day it won’t be.

“He was afraid
I
would be the one to end it?”
 

Jessie reread the last sentence in
Kincaid’
s journal.
 
So he had the same fears she did about the relationship ending abruptly.
 
Still, he would have walked away if she
had
issued any ultimatums.
 
He couldn’t give up being an agent and
,
therefore, wouldn’t offer her marriage.
 
And giving her a child wasn’t possible, or so he thought, so
Kincaid
had resigned himself to the fact that eventually it had to end.
 
He just didn’t want to be the one to do it.
 
So what had changed his mind about committing to her?
 
And was that decision based on him believing there would never be any children involved?

Another week had passed since she’d seen Liz and still
Jessie
couldn’t bring herself to tell
Kincaid
she was pregnant.
 
So far, he
had
swallowed the story about being anemic and that the pills she took were to treat it.
 
It was only a matter of weeks before her body would begin to show the tell-tale signs of pregnancy
.  S
he knew she should stop stalling
,
but the entries in
Kincaid
’s journal about not wanting children kept holding her back.
 

Even if he did believe the baby was his, he wouldn’t welcome the news
,
and what then?
 
She wasn’t strong enough to handle him leaving, she knew it with undying certainty.
 
Maybe she could have dealt with it before she’d fallen in love with him, but not now.
 
It was driving her crazy and Jessie was at a loss as to what to do.
 

She
had taken
every opportunity she could to read his journal, hoping to find something, anything, that would tell her what had triggered the change in
Kincaid
.
 
Though the compulsion to simply go to the last few entries was strong, Jessie resisted reading them.
 
She truly wanted to understand what led up to his decision to give up being a Special Ops agent and settle down with her.

So she continued to read it in sequence any time she knew
Kincaid
would be gone for a few hours, but so far she hadn’t discovered anything.
 
No clues, no great revelations, nothing.
 
Discouraged at having found nothing more than yet another confirmation that
he
didn’t want children, Jessie was about to return the journal to his duffle bag when she decided to read a few more pages.
 

Kincaid
had gone into town with Hank
,
and even if they got home earlier than expected, she
would
hear his truck and be able to replace the journal long before he got to the house.
 
Settling back on the bed, she flipped to the next page.
 
There was nothing really remarkable, nothing that hollered out to her that she
had
finally found something to work with.
 
Yet when she finished the few pages he
had
written about one of the missions, she had the unsettling feeling she’d missed something.

The men were all in high spirits tonight over the success of our latest mission.
 
In spite of Cane’s minor injuries and the fact that I got clipped and had to get a few stitches, we all went out to celebrate.
 
Tomorrow we’ll all be
nursing
hangovers and swearing on our lives that we
will
never touch alcohol again, but tonight we drink and give thanks that everyone is here to toast to the victory.

Jessie stared at the date
,
trying to recall which particular scar he
had
come home with that time.
 
It was just before Christmas two years ago
,
so that meant it had to be the one on
his right side.
 
She remembered now because he still had the stitches in and they’d had to be careful not to break them open.
 
No easy feat
,
considering how ardent
Kincaid
always was when making love, especially during the first few days after his arrival.
 

It left a two inch scar
,
and because they’d had to patch him in the field it hadn’t healed properly.
 
The skin was raised where the stitches had once been
,
so even in the dark she’d always been able to locate the exact spot.

Jessie stood up slowly, a cold chill winding its way through her body.
 
There were dozens of scars on
Kincaid
’s body, some more obvious than others.
 
Most of them were merely thin white lines, but a few had caused small indentations or were slightly raised like the one his side.
 
She knew them all, had intimately caressed each one with her fingertips, kissed them, ran her tongue over them.
 

The man she
had
been sleeping with for three years had a bullet wound on the back of his left thigh.
 
He also had a raised scar under his right bicep and the one on his side from the mission she’d just read about.
 
But the man who
had
come home to her, the one she
had
fallen in love with and whose child was now growing in her belly…that man didn’t have any of those scars.

Her movements were mechanical as she walked to the closest and put the journal back.
 
There had to be some logical explanation, plastic surgery maybe.
 
But she knew
Kincaid
would never have done anything to cover the scars.
 
He was proud of them and wore his battle wounds like they were badges of honor.

She recalled what Liz had said in jest about the body snatchers and a shiver ran up her spine.
 
It was inconceivable to think he was anyone but Adam
Kincaid,
and yet she knew, perhaps had always known on some level, that he wasn’t.
 
Jessie was shaking as she moved deeper into the closet and pulled down a shoebox.
 
Taking it back to the bed, she lifted the lid and sifted through the photographs.
 

Kincaid
rarely let anyone take pictures of him
,
but last summer she’d coaxed him into letting Hank take one with them together.
 
She held it under the light, studying the handsome face she knew so well.
 
The dark hair and eyes were the same, the lips that had kissed her so tenderly just that morning were identical.
 
The strong jaw line and breathtaking smile hadn’t changed.
 
She pulled the picture closer, and that’s when she saw it.

Jessie dropped the picture back into the box and clamped her hand over her mouth.
 
The
wild
dash to the bathroom and the next several minutes spent hovered over the toilet bowl throwing up her lunch were nothing but a hazy blur.
 
Stumbling back into her room, she shoved the box aside and climbed onto the bed, curling herself into a tight ball.
 

How had she not noticed that small little crook in his nose was all wrong?
 
It should have been a half an inch higher and just slightly to the left, not on the right as it was with…
with
the man she
had
been sleeping with for the past month and a half.

Who was he, and how was it possible he looked so much like
Kincaid
?
 
His walk was the same, his voice, his laugh.
 
But not the way he made love to her, she conceded.
 
Good God, was she so desperate for someone to love her that she
had
deliberately put on blinders?
 
The answer had been there the entire time, all the little inconsistencies she’d told Liz about that should have led her to the conclusion she
had
just drawn.
 
But if he wasn’t Adam
Kincaid
, then who was he
,
and what did he have to gain by coming here and pretending he was?

She tried to make some sense of it, but her head felt as if it was stuffed with cotton wool.
 
It was quite some time before another unnerving thought began to form.
 
If he really was an imposter, then where was the real Adam
Kincaid
?
 
Jessie sat up.
 
All those weeks that she’d lai
n
awake at night
,
certain that something bad had happened to him
,
now seemed like some sort of premonition.

Had he been killed during that last mission?
 
And what about his brother, Mitch?
 
This man, whoever he was, told her Mitch had been killed
,
but maybe they’d both died.
 
Or maybe…

Jessie drew in a shallow breath.
 
Maybe Adam was the one who
had
died, not Mitch.
 
And it was Mitch who was now masquerading as his brother.
 
That had to be it.
 
They looked so much alike they could have been twins.
 
For all she knew, they
were
twins.
 
Was Mitch so torn up by his brother’s death that he
decided to keep him alive by taking his place?
 

And Adam, oh God, her Adam was dead.
 
Jessie wrapped her arms around herself, rocking slowly back and forth.
 
Tears rolled down her cheeks in a steady stream, the pain in her chest so enormous she was numbed by it.
 
She grieved for the man she
had
known and loved for the last three years, the man who
had
brought both happiness and sorrow, and who
had
trusted her to make everything right.
 

But she couldn’t make it right this time.
 
She
would
never be able to hold him and ease his pain again.
 
She
had
always known her relationship with
Kincaid
wasn’t permanent, but she never thought it would end like this.
 
She’d always thought their parting would be sad but amicable and that somehow they
would
remain friends.

Jessie lay back down and buried her face in the pillow, sobbing uncontrollably until her sides ached with it and her throat was so dry she could barely swallow.
 
Then just as she thought she had herself under control, the tears started up again, but this time they weren’t for Adam.
 
Poor Mitch had also suffered this enormous loss
,
and now she understood why he still had that haunted look in his eyes sometimes.
 
He’d been broken, just as Adam always was when he came to her, and he needed her to help him through it.

Jessie’s pain doubled, hurting not just for herself but also for Mitch.
 
Was pretending to be Adam his way of keeping his brother alive
,
or was it merely a way to lose himself so he could cope with the grief?
 
It didn’t matter, not really.
 
The point was
,
he needed help to get through it so he could reclaim his own identity.
 
But she certainly wasn’t capable of the kind of treatment he needed.
 

His mind had snapped, taken away his perception of reality, and he needed professional help for that. What was she going to do?
 
If she confronted Mitch and told him she knew he wasn’t Adam, would that cause even more damage to his confused mind?

And there was the baby to think of.
 
She knew
Kincaid
never wanted children, but she didn’t have a clue how Mitch felt about it.
 
Oh, why was she even thinking about whether he wanted kids or not?
 
Jessie stared up at the ceiling.
 

Because
I
love him, that’s why
.
 

Because she couldn’t let go of the dream she had of raising their child together.
 
Deep down inside
, Jessie
knew she’d fallen in love with Mitch because of the man he was not because she
had
believed he was
Kincaid
.
 
For all the years she and
Kincaid
had shared, she’d never felt so
deeply
, as if it was rooted in the very marrow of her bones.

So where did that leave her?
 
She had no idea.
 
She’d lost
Kincaid
, and she
would
mourn that loss forever, but she couldn’t let it destroy the love she’d found with Mitch.
 
As strange as it seemed, Jessie felt
Kincaid
would have wanted it that way.
 
Her hand moved absently over her belly and she thought he would have been happy about the baby too.
 
If only it hadn’t taken
Kincaid
’s death to bring her and Mitch together.
 
Sadly, she recognized it was probably the only thing that ever would have.
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                                           
***

“What do you mean you can’t tell her now?”

Mitch turned onto the dirt road leading up the ranch. 
“I can’t, Hank.
 
Last night I told Jessie I loved her.”

“And?”

“And she said she loves me too.
 
She loves me, Hank.
 
Me
, not Adam.
 
If I tell her now, I might lose her.”

“And if you don’t tell her, you’ll have to spend the rest of your life pretending to be your brother.”

“I don’t care,” Mitch said.
 
“It’s just a name.
 
She loves me and that’s all that matters.”

Hank shook his head.
 
“You haven’t thought this through, son.
 
I imagine somewhere down the line you’ll want to get married and start a family, what then?
 
Are you going to have your name legally changed so it says Adam Kincaid on the marriage certificate?”

“Maybe I will,” Mitch said stubbornly.

“Is that so?
 
Well here’s one for you.
 
How are you going to feel when Jessie gives you a son or daughter
,
and your brother is listed as the father?”

Hank was right, he hadn’t thought it through.
 
He wanted Jessie to be Mrs. Mitch Kincaid
,
and he wanted his children to know who he really was too.
 
Adam deserved to be remembered for the man he was, to be honored for the things he
had
done.
 
How he could he tell his children stories of his brother and how brave he
had
been if he had to insert his own name every time?
 

He was bound to slip up eventually and then it would be even harder to justify his reasons for doing it.
 
And there was his parents and sister to consider.
 
They might play
along for a little while, but they
would
never agree to do it on a permanent basis
.  T
hey were even more likely to slip up than he was
.
 
Mitch pulled up to the house and cut the engine.
 
He stared out the windshield, angry with himself for not telling her right from the start.
 

“Do you think Jessie would have fallen in love with me if she’d known who I was from the beginning?”

“It would have progressed a little slower, but yes, I know she would have.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“If you
had
seen her with Adam, you
would
know the answer to that.
 
Oh, they were good together, I’m not going to lie to you about that, but she never looked at him the way she looks at you.
 
You can see it in her eyes, in her smile, even when you’re not around.
 
She loves you, Mitch, and you need to put some faith in that love.
 
No doubt she’ll be hurt at first, but she’ll forgive you and then you can start over with a good solid foundation and build from there.”

Mitch nodded thoughtfully.
 
“You want to know something, Hank?
 
I’ve been on missions where every second of it was spent with my life hanging in the balance.
 
I’ve been shot it, stabbed a time or two, even had to dodge grenades before, but none of that scared me as much as the thought of losing Jessie.”