Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why It Often Sucks in the City, or Who Are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me? (44 page)

¹
But really, ice floors would be kind of a bitch to get clean because how would you mop them? You couldn’t use hot water. It would be like trying to open a present of wrapping paper—when would you know to stop?

²
Oh, Kirsten! You little minx! Sid Vicious is going to come back from the grave to claim you as his bride!

³
Yes, Scarlett, my dear—it’s five coats, four sweaters, and every purse on the page for you!

⁴
What? You think Superman wouldn’t snarl at an unwelcome guest?

⁵
But, still, Girl Power and all that.

⁶
I’ve mentioned I’m a jerk, yes?

⁷
Another set of the sock monkeys are hand in hand—one’s wearing a floral hat and the other’s carrying flowers. I believe they are a same-sex couple, but don’t find sapphic monkey love to be an appropriate topic of conversation with a virtual stranger, so I don’t mention them.

⁸
And hasn’t the poor dear had enough problems lately without adding a public indecency charge?

¹
Guy Fawkes was a traitor to the crown and tried to burn down Parliament.

²
Thank you, Mrs. Sweeney!

³
Aluminum foil, BTW.

⁴
Please, God.

⁵
Here’s the thing. I love Target; I’ve made that abundantly clear. But when Target begins to sell “Vote for Pedro” shirts, any hip indie cred you may have once garnered from wearing one is
gone
.

⁶
It’s a tiny bit badass, and I find myself wishing this is that person’s own unique style.

⁷
Note to my brother, Todd: I also have dibs on the Union Jack–draped Royal Doulton bulldogs in the china cabinet. (You can have the big TV—I don’t want that monstrosity in my house.)

⁸
I had mono. Although I wonder who those quacks thought I’d been kissing, anyway—Tommy Lee?

⁹
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Please see chapter 6 in
Bitter Is the New Black
for more details.

¹⁰
German death metal, precisely as bad as you’d think.

¹¹
Best. Holiday movie. Ever.

¹²
Naturally, located in my parents’ driveway.

¹³
Christmas ’82.

¹⁴
Fourth of July ’86.

¹⁵
Christmas ’97.

¹⁶
Thanksgiving ’98.

¹⁷
Labor Day ’99.

¹⁸
Our dogs
hate
my brother’s dog and we avoid incidents by keeping them separated.

¹⁹
Big Daddy likes to keep the house at a bracing forty-two degrees. The one Christmas the heat went out, we didn’t even notice for a couple of days.

¹
Last seen strolling hand in hand down Trader Joe’s wine aisle, shouting, “Hell, yes, we need more fucking Merlot!”

²
I’d like to think my discovery of the dessert aisle at Whole Foods helped propel us, sweaty and jiggling, over the finish line to beat other porky places like Houston and Kansas City.

³
I imagine a bunch of people in Macy’s smocks, scratching their heads wondering what happened to my towropes.

⁴
Oprah’s a member!

⁵
I mean, past the $59/month I pay in dues.

⁶
You’d think because they know my name, I’d know theirs…yet here we are.

⁷
Shoot,
I’m
not even sure what he does for a living.

⁸
Actually, I’d prefer if he didn’t swear. I find profanity unpleasant. Heh, kidding!

⁹
Who I’m already mentally referring to as “Mary-Kate.”

¹⁰
Surprisingly good for a fat chick, yay, me!

¹¹
Rather, one of us walks—the other limps.

¹²
Which is
so not fair
.

¹³
Bitch has yet to perspire and she’s bundled in multiple layers of fleece. I, on the other hand, have stripped off so many items I’m down to sweaty granny panties.

¹⁴
I also cried for glasses of wine, but they were more recreational than medicinal.

¹⁵
Or, for that matter, lift my leg high enough to kick her in the ass.

¹
Although our neighborhood is safe, it’s also not stylish, and is therefore ignored by the cab companies. I’ve already mentally composed twenty scathing letters to Mayor Daley about the situation.

²
A.k.a. “belowdeck.”