Breathe With Me (The Breathe Series Book 3) (55 page)

“He was just leaving.” I snap my head to Piper as she stares at me; her words deliver a punch to the gut that softens the rage that was building inside of me.

“Piper…” I plead.

“Evan,” she begins firmly, looking like she has been crying, yet a strength behind her eyes that makes me think she may not need me at all.

I try to break through the wall she’s putting up to shut me out, “I just want to help. I can fix this.”

“But you can’t fix me,” she whispers, gently without a trace of anger or bitterness.

I hang my head on her words, a raw sensation tugging at the walls of my chest and pulling them in on my heart. Looking back at her, I nod, pressing my lips together. I glance over to the asshole that stole her from me before she was even mine. He’s the reason she’s struggled all of these years. He’s the one at fault for taking the most fragile pieces of her life, like trust and security and desire; feelings that were foreign to her at that age so they never even got a chance to develop and prosper.

Continuing to shake my head, I’m in total disagreement of her not allowing me to intervene here, yet, I will respect her wishes. I know what is best; what she wants. I won’t try to fix this or her or whatever she views this as.

I’ll keep my mouth shut this time; I’ll be the one to throw in the towel for now.

I won’t say a word to him no matter how sick and twisted I think he is.

I’ll keep my distance and let her shove me out of her life and this time…

I’ll be the one to walk away.

I DON’T SAY A WORD
as he walks off, looking defeated. I didn’t even mean Evan when I told the waitress that he was leaving, I meant Trent. A part of me is shouting out to go catch him, to stop him from going. I haven’t seen him in two weeks and it has without a doubt been the longest two weeks of my life, but right now, I have to finish this. I have to get full closure and, this is the final step before I can be completely whole again and ready to be a part of someone’s life; a part of Evan’s life. I won’t walk out on him again and I refuse to give up on him like I have in the past.

“He cares about you…a lot.”

I spin around, mystified by Trent’s words. “He does?”

I already know the answer, but I ask it anyways. Every part of me wants to punish myself for torturing him with my incapability to cope for all these years. I should have been clinging to him for comfort and strength since he provided me with the will to keep breathing, but instead I shoved him as far away as possible.

“That’s obvious. He didn’t want to walk away. He should want to knock my teeth out. He should want to hurt me as much as I hurt you, and that alone is an infinity of pain. He does know?”

My stomach churns and I look back down at the sidewalk, not even able to see him any longer.

“Yeah, he was the first person I told. He was the only one I told for the longest time,” I say, regretting everything that just happened.
He wasn’t hearing me. He was so angry by seeing Trent that he couldn’t see straight.

“Piper?”

I glance over to Trent, still standing near the table.

“Didn’t that help? I mean, it seems you both care pretty deeply for each other, otherwise he wouldn’t have been so angry and well, I don’t think you’d be so determined to talk to me after all these years unless there was a reason behind it or maybe a person. I know, for me, Sarah was the flame that fueled my fire to get closure. Seems he’s yours maybe?” I look down as a hand gently falls to my shoulder. “I’m sure he’ll listen once he cools off.”

I stare back at his hand on my shoulder and he quickly removes it.

“He is,” I mumble out quietly, answering his initial question, but still focused on the fact that I didn’t flinch; I didn’t pass out. I sat here today and met with someone I was frightened of for a third of my life.
I did it.

“He is…” a surge of relief and acceptance pierces my conscience and spreads out, urging me to go after him. “I have to go.” I spin around, a smile in my heart as I dart to my chair to grab my purse. “Good luck with your son and wife.”

I stop, a few paces away from him and for an instant want to hug him. Not to thank him for talking to me, but over a shared heartache; over a trauma that shaped and nearly destroyed both of us. I want to hug him for the little boy that he didn’t get to be; for the fears he had to endure alone. He was the cause of my pain, yet also the undoing.
Who would have ever thought?

Slowly, I reach my hand out, extending it between us. It catches his attention and gratitude fills every corner of his face as he grabs mine in turn and gives it a gentle shake.

“Good luck to you and your guy as well.”

With that I sprint off, a sense of freedom I’ve never felt swelling within me.

Feeling more confident and less hesitant in my life by the second, I drive straight to Evan’s apartment, but come up empty. I swing by his work and then onto Judd’s to check there, remembering how Abby called me just yesterday and told me about her run in with Evan; I turn up unlucky at both. I stumble through my mind, my head an encyclopedia of information when it comes to Evan, yet still not able to think of a single place he could be.

But then it comes to me; the lake.

I drive and I drive, my heart on fire with the desire to bear my soul before him. A four-hour drive and I have plenty of thinking time, going over everything Trent said, finding forgiveness in my heart for what he did, imagining what I’ll say to Evan and knowing one hundred percent that everything will be alright from here on out.

I pull into the gravel lot, parking directly behind his grandpa’s cabin and his camper so I can get there faster. I barely even connect with the handle of the van door and already have it open, my feet taking the lead as I run to his camper.

Only fifteen feet or so, but my chest heaves in and out from my hurried pace and large leaps that got me here in two seconds flat. I lift my hand, ready to knock, not even thinking anymore of what to say. It’ll come to me. Suddenly, a presence hits me; a feeling or sensation, and I look over.

The sun is setting over the lake, casting gorgeous beams of light over the waters that make it shine like ribbons of gold. But not even that amount of beauty captures my full attention. The dark hair and slumped over guy sitting at the edge of the dock grips everything within me and pulls me forward. Suddenly, I don’t just see the twenty-year-old man that I’m so in love with, I see a little boy sitting alone on a dock with his fishing pole in hand; the same little boy that eyed me as I arrived at this place that first day, innocent and unaware of life’s challenges and all the weight it can put on you. I see the little boy that looked so badly like he was in need of a friend to share all his secret hideouts with.

I race forward, running with a joy in my heart like I did after the first time I told him that I love him, running down that same hill. As soon as my foot steps on the dock, I expect an uncomfortable nostalgia to wash over me; for remnants of the past to sneak up and pull me into darkness.
Breathe?
I look at Evan, still with his back turned and know that those words will never have the same meaning. They won’t have to save me anymore, but they will always be a part of me; a part of us; the bond that started it all. He lets out a heavy sigh, his entire body rising, then falling back down as he stays slumped forward. He looks as if he needs those words today, because now, I’m free.

SITTING ALONE ON THE DOCK,
the same place that I had my first kiss with Piper, I stare out at the rippling water and feel nothing but loss and emptiness. I never realized how much I need her; I love her. Squeezing my hand over the pole that has nothing but a cheap ass lure attached to the end, a gentle breeze blows and I catch the flowery perfumed scent that I’d know anywhere.

“Catching anything good?”

The words flow through the air before I can even turn, and I am suddenly cast back to the memory of a twelve-year-old girl walking up behind me while all I cared to do was catch some fish. I turn, holding tight to my pole when all I want to do is toss it into the water and run to her.

Looking over my shoulder, the sun shines over my head and across her, making her black locks of hair shine, the stuff she has on her eyes shimmers like glitter and her skin glows in a soft milky tone. My eyes pulse open wide in delight at seeing her standing there, completely unexpected.

“I caught some ink on my ass recently. No luck with the fish,” I joke as always, but too caught up in a river of emotions to laugh.

I start to apologize, but she laughs, a carefree, calm and confident sound that I haven’t seen in a long time; I stop all thoughts of not being myself.

“Maybe you should put their names on there and they might bite. You know, let them know your ass belongs to them, too.”

This cracks me up, igniting an ache in my ribs as I heave out a laugh.
Abby, Abby, Abby…you sure as shit don’t keep your mouth shut either.

Piper, moves forward, not even gauging each step like she usually does; I regain my seriousness, still unable to shake my smile though. She takes a seat beside me, hanging her feet off the dock just like she has done a million times before, just to be beside me. I smile, a warmth filling my chest. I look down to her hand on the dock, wanting desperately to take it in mine.

“Evan, I’m sorry.”

Looking up, all sentiments and longing jolts to a stop. “About what?” I barely get the words out, unable to fathom what she could be sorry about.

“About everything. About putting so much on you. About blaming you. For making you carry this and never having anyone to talk to.” Her eyes mist over as her soft skin grazes over the hand I have in my lap. She pulls it into hers, wrapping it in a desperate hold, just like I wanted to do. I let out a disbelieving breath, ready to tell her there is nothing to be sorry for, but she goes on, “Most of all I’m so sorry that I pushed you away instead of pulling you closer. I can stand on my own two feet and I know now that I’ll be fine, but I can’t imagine a life without you in it. I want you in my life…big mouth and all.”

I chuckle, sliding my hand around in her grasp so that I can softly squeeze it to show how much I want her too. Her skin nuzzles to mine, fitting my hand like a warm glove as I easily slide my fingers between each of hers.