Breathe (4 page)

the trash smelled like lemons or coffee grounds or dirty gym socks.

Sitting in the Shaws" kitchen, nursing the beer, Katie"s laugh was as real to

him as it had been that day. Her voice as warm as she said, “That"s my mother.

Nothing messy in her house.” She wrinkled her nose, forcing the freckles together in

a cute cluster that always had him smiling.

If only that face, that voice, the laughter, the memories would consume him

until he resurfaced to a better time—where he"d never know the bad that would

follow.

He swallowed the last of his beer and whispered, “I miss you.”

“I missed you too.” Todd bumped Jay"s shoulder with a fist on his way by the

table and sat across from him. “But we"ve got to stop meeting like this.”

“Tell me about it.”

Todd tilted his head toward the empty Heineken. “You really should quit

drinking when you get to the part where you"re talking to your beer before lunch.”

“Maybe if you said something to Mom, told her it wasn"t how we wanted to

remember—”

“Uh-uh. No can do. You know when Mom gets an idea in her head, there"s no

changing her mind.” Todd stood and picked up Jay"s empty beer bottle. He opened

Breathe

15

the same cabinet Jay had and tossed the bottle into the trash instead of the

recycling bin next to it. The residual drops of beer splattered the top of the pristine

bag as the bottle bounced off the edges and made its way down. Katie would love

that. The stench of beer fouling the fresh citrus bag for her mother to experience

later.

Todd swung the cabinet door shut and returned to the table.

“Marge come with you?” Jay asked.

“Not today.”

“She still working?”

“Yeah. She says she"s fine since she sits behind a desk all day. She doesn"t

want to quit until…you know.”

Jay nodded. “Everything going okay?”

“Yep.” Todd was always curt whenever they talked about Marge"s pregnancy.

Jay wished he could tell him it was okay, but it really wasn"t. And they both knew

it. Jay didn"t want to hear about due dates, doctors" appointments, or ultrasounds.

He didn"t want to think about babies at all.

Both sets of parents had been pissed when he and Katie had eloped six months

after high school. For two years, they kept that anger going. Until the day of the

accident—when he and Katie had announced they were about to start trying for a

baby.

Who knew eight hours later that dream would be crushed with the smash of

her car.

“So,” Todd said, “you doing okay?” His brother gave him the all too familiar

look of pity everyone else did. Jay hated that look. He preferred it when Todd

offered suggestions about getting out and dating. That at least sounded more

normal than conversations the Shaws and his parents had.

“I"m all right.” He shrugged. “I didn"t get fired.”

“There"s an accomplishment.”

Jay laughed and tried to make a joke of it, but there was no joke to be found.

They both stared at the table between them. Would there always be topics he and

Todd avoided? Always be a distance between Jay and everyone else in his life?

Todd scratched the paunch of a belly that had been forming alongside his

wife"s rounded midsection. “Mom said you might be heading back to school.”

Jay snorted. “Nah.”

“Ah. Wishful thinking. It might do you good to get back to it.”

“I need to work.”

“No.” Todd leaned forward and pointed a finger at him. “You need to get laid,

little brother.”

Playful suggestions about dating were one thing. Those made him feel normal,

a part of the world. And they could be ignored. Sex? That was a different story.

16

Sloan Parker

Mournfully missing your wife and a hard-on that was sick of your own hand didn"t

mesh. Jay"s libido was pissed. He"d been having dreams. Long, detailed, erotic

dreams.

If Todd knew who was featured in those dreams, would he have suggested sex?

Would he want to know his little brother dreamed about another man on his knees

sucking him off? Another man like the stranger Jay had seen outside Sonny"s

Tavern the night before?

Jay"s real-life experience with men was limited to the time he was nineteen

and he"d driven fifty minutes to the Forge, a gay bar in Fort Wayne where no one

knew him, where he could figure out what he wanted after the month of jerk-off

sessions starring Michael Malloy, captain of his high school track team. Jay had

walked into the bar, the wedding ring for Katie in his pocket, determined to prove

himself wrong. The night was uneventful, but it confirmed what he"d long

suspected. It didn"t stop him from proposing to Katie, though. He was more

attracted to her than to any of the men in the bar. He marked off the mental

checkbox for bisexual and continued on with the proposal. He"d made her a silent

promise on the drive home. He"d be faithful to her for the rest of their marriage—

the rest of her life.

He had expected that to be longer than two years.

And now that she was gone…he couldn"t go there.

Could he?

“You"re too quiet,” Todd said. “You used to talk all the time. Ask all those

incessant questions. Now, nothing.”

“Sorry.”

“Nah. Used to drive me nuts how you much you talked.” Todd laughed. He

leaned his elbows on the table, and his expression grew grim. “You having trouble

with your bills?”

“Some.” Todd was the only person Jay would admit that to. “Almost missed the

mortgage last month.” He"d never forgive himself if he lost the house.

“You"ve got the money from—”

“No! I told you, no.”

Todd held up his hand. “Okay. Let me loan you—”

“No.” Softer, Jay added, “I"ve got to get my shit together.”

“And how you do you plan to do that?”

Jay let a smirk build. “Find the son of a bitch and punch his lights out.”

“Now you sound like Mom.”

Great. That was just what Jay needed. When she talked about McCaw she

sounded crazy.

“I doubt he"ll stick around here,” Todd added.

“How do you mean?”

Breathe

17

“The entire community knows what happened. No way a man is going to stick

around for the abuse he"s in for.”

The parents in the next room had finally quieted. The tirade over McCaw"s

part in their turmoil had lasted longer than usual. A strange voice filtered into the

kitchen.

“…
survived by husband Jacob Miller
.”

“What the hell?” Todd jumped up, the chair scraping the floor as the back of

his legs smacked into it. “They"re watching it again?”

“How?” That was all Jay could manage.

“Mom gave them a copy when it first aired.”

Jay rose and shifted a couple of shaky steps away from the sound of the TV.

“I"m going to the bathroom.” He had never watched the news coverage of the

sentencing. Hadn"t been there that day either.

“Maybe you should go watch it,” Todd said. “He said stuff to us that day, and

you"ve never heard it.”

Jay paused at the doorway. “I don"t need to.” He left the room and waited

several minutes after finishing in the bathroom before heading to the living room. A

story on the local news couldn"t last that long. They"d only still have it on if they

had replayed it several times. They weren"t that obsessed. Were they?

The TV was on, but only a commercial filled the screen. Jay stood motionless

as a can of dancing air freshener sang about spring while it squirted a spray made

of flowers out its nose. He listened to his own breathing. It was slow and even.

Maybe avoiding Lincoln McCaw was the best option.

Jay"s parents and the Shaws still stared at the television and hadn"t so much

as flinched since he entered the room. They didn"t appear to be breathing. They

didn"t appear to be anything. Was he the only one alive?

The air freshener can stopped singing. Stuart Shaw stood and walked heavily

to the television set, turning it off with a slam. “Six fucking months.”

“Stuart, please,” Emily said.

His dad looked at Jay as if just noticing he had joined them. “At least they

banned him from racing.”

Was that supposed to comfort?

“Like that"s enough,” his mom said. “Thank goodness we challenged the plea

agreement, or they might not have made him serve any time at all.”

Jay moved past his brother to the picture window. He took in a deep breath,

let it out, and repeated the process, waiting for it to feel natural. Everyone was

talking at once, voices raised. Anger invaded Emily Shaw"s sterile living room. Jay

wasn"t sure who said what, but their comments filled his head.

“Bastard probably always drove like that.”

“He"ll kill somebody else someday. You wait and see.”

18

Sloan Parker

“A fine and six months in jail. That"s it.”

Wasn"t this part over? Guess they wanted to make the day special.

He should leave, walk out the door and do anything else—be anywhere else.

He clenched his hands into fists. He wanted them to stop talking about the accident,

about McCaw, about all of it. Just to stop talking.

If he could see one sign of their love for Katie, from either set of parents, then

he would"ve cared about their grief more than he did, but it"d go the way it always

did. They"d carry on about the unfairness of the legal system and that the penalties

in these cases were never strong enough, all the while their voices rising, the rage

building. All the while his heart aching and not one of them noticing.

What were the stages of grief? And when would everyone move on to the next?

“Someone should kill him!”

Jay spun around. That was a new one.

His mom was standing, her entire body shaking. She pushed her husband

away from her. “He needs to suffer and die like she did. He shouldn"t be allowed to

be getting his life back.”

Had she lost her mind? Katie would hate her even thinking that.

His dad reached for his mom again. He put an arm around her shoulders and

helped her to the couch.

She ignored him and said, “He"s ruined Jay"s life. Ruined all our lives. They

were going to have a baby. He should be dead.”

Dead? Was her grief that out of control?

“It was an accident,” Jay whispered.

Five heads turned his way.

They stared at him like what he said was inconceivable, like what he said

made no sense and his mom"s words were the rational ones.

Why had he said anything at all? He was angry, grieving. Like the rest of

them.

“An accident he caused.” His mom jabbed a finger toward the TV. “No matter

what that man said, he has no idea what he took from us.”

She was right. How could anyone know Katie? Not the way Jay did.

“Susan, stop.” His dad moved to stand between her and Jay. “Son, you need to

deal with your loss, deal with what you"re feeling—including your anger toward

that man.”

His mom shoved her husband aside. “Deal with it? Howard, this isn"t going

away. His wife died. He can"t even raise their children. He can"t ever get over that.

Who could?”

Breathe

19

Chapter Four

Lincoln lifted his ass and shifted on the bed before settling his weight. Did

they give him a new mattress? The bunk had never been close to comfortable before.

He opened his eyes and blinked until the sunlight seeping in through the half-closed

curtains didn"t blind him. A poster for a live-action
G.I. Joe
movie covered the

opposite wall. A soldier wearing futuristic military garb made of a steel-like

material, his face held in a constant scowl. He looked ready to lift the weapon he

clutched and fire at Lincoln.

Right. Not the jail cell.

A ten-year-old boy"s room.

Lincoln was lying on top of the blankets, still wearing his jeans. His shirt and

socks were lost sometime between his first sip of whiskey and his last.

“Why you sleeping in Davy"s room?”

The familiar, small voice floated up from the foot of the bed, comforting

Lincoln, calling him home like the checkered flag on race night.

He sat up and leaned back against the headboard. “Got nowhere else to go.”

Jessica stepped closer. Funny how you can"t see kids aging when they"re right

in front of you, but stay away for six months and you miss a lot. Her pink flannel

Beauty and the Beast
nightgown no longer brushed the floor around her feet. The

hem lay near her ankles. Her face was less round, her eyes more serious. Yet she

still held the same ragged, purple stuffed animal that wasn"t quite a bear and

wasn"t quite a dog. Lincoln had once asked her for clarification on the type of

animal. All she said was his name, Mr. Wuzzie.

The specifics of the stuffed animal didn"t matter to her. He was her favorite