Breath of Life (4 page)

Paxton had changed over the last year. She knew she was nowhere close to being the girl she once was. She used to hole herself up in the house and study for hours over medical procedures. She would study hard and not taking any risks. She knew her mother couldn’t bear to lose anyone else after Paxton’s father died. Paxton sacrificed her own time and love life to save others. She wanted to help the world and save them from the pain of losing a loved one.
You failed
, her conscience interrupted again.
You failed miserably and that is why you are where you are.
She remembered how many families she had to tell that their loved ones couldn’t make it. She was here because she let everyone down. Paxton let out a feral scream at the realization that her world collapsed because she failed at the one thing she had always exceeded in.

Dr. Keeler was passing Paxton’s room when she heard a scream from within. She swiped her card to get into the room. She rushed over to Paxton who faced the wall. She went around the bed and saw Paxton just staring, tears falling down her face. Her fists were clenched and her body rigid.

“Paxton, talk to me. What’s going on?” She waited for a response but received none. “Is it your hand? Are you in pain?” She looked over the hand but couldn’t tell if anything was wrong.  “Please talk to me Paxton. I need to know what’s going on.”

“Please leave.” Paxton sounded broken and defeated. Dr. Keeler felt her heart break for Paxton just a little more.

“I’m not going until I know you’ll be okay.”

“Please. Just go,” Paxton whispered. It sounded as though she was trying to hold back more tears from falling.

Dr. Keeler didn’t move from her spot. She pulled up a chair and sat next to Paxton. Dr. Keeler saw the tears still falling.  She knew that Paxton didn’t want to talk, so Dr. Keeler kept quiet. She just held Paxton’s hand. Paxton didn’t ask her to leave again and she didn’t pull her hand away. Dr. Keeler just wanted to comfort her. She knew Paxton had been fighting everything alone. Dr. Keeler felt like Paxton just wanted someone in her corner no matter what she had done.

Eventually Paxton stopped crying and just stared at the wall. She still didn’t say a word but Dr. Keeler saw her body relax. Dr. Keeler noticed that Paxton slipped her mask on again. The one that made her seem like she was catatonic. Dr. Keeler released her hand and went to grab a cup of water for Paxton. 

“Here,” Dr. Keeler said moments later.

She held the cup of water in front of Paxton. She saw Paxton drink slowly, from the straw.  Paxton gave her a look that said she was thankful for the small gesture.

“Thank you for staying,” Paxton said after a few moments. Her voice was still quiet.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Okay. Do you want me to stay?”

“Yes please. If you can.”

“I’ll stay but I need to get a few things from my office to work on. Would you like me to get you anything? Are you hungry?”

“No, just please come back.” Paxton sighed and looked out the window. Dr. Keeler noticed how broken she looked. It was then that Dr. Keeler knew she didn’t belong in here but Paxton had to help herself get out of here. Dr. Keeler needed Paxton to start opening up to her.

“I’ll be just a few minutes,” Dr. Keeler reassured her as she walked out of the room.

On her way to her office, Dr. Keeler felt like she finally had somewhat of a trust breakthrough with Paxton. She felt comfortable enough to break down and let someone help her after all these months. She got to her office and grabbed a few notes, her recorder, head phones, and her netbook. She put it all in her briefcase and started to head back to the room.

“Dr. Keeler!” A voice yelled down the hall.

She turned and saw Jack striding down that hall. She was not sure what he was doing here. Visiting hours were almost over. Surely no one let him in to see Paxton especially after her breakdown. Dr. Keeler needed to keep him out of Paxton’s hearing range.

“Mr. Mercier, what are you doing here?”

“I called earlier to check on Paxton and they said you have been in her room for a few hours. Your damn secretary wouldn’t say what’s going on. What happened?” Jack seemed agitated.

Dr. Keeler knew she needed to set boundaries with him. He couldn’t come running in here every time he didn’t like how things were being handled.

“Nothing that has happened would have warranted a call. She had a breakdown. They happen in a place like this, it does not mean that we call the families to let them know. She’s trying to recover, it’s just a part of it.”

“She’s my
wife
! I should know what is going on whether it’s minuscule or not.”

“Really? Where have you been all this time? I know you two are separated. You filed for divorce she just hasn’t signed because currently she thinks she’s not in the right mind.” She hit him below the belt with that statement, she knew it. “I’m sorry that was out of line.” She quickly apologized. She knew she crossed a professional line.

Jack didn’t say a word. He just stared at her because deep down he knew it was true. He hadn’t been there for her and once again those divorce papers came back to haunt him. His shoulders dropped from their defensive pose. He hung his head and looked at the floor.

“I still love her though,” his voice was sullen.

“Then please, give her the space she needs right now. Go home Jack. She doesn’t need this. Please let me help her.”

“What happened today? Please just tell me and I will leave.” His head raised and Dr. Keeler could see that he was pleading with her.

“I can’t tell you.”

“She’s my wife, dammit. Just please, please tell me.”

Dr. Keeler knew now was the time to give him some information, it should placate him. “I can’t tell you because I don’t know. She sat in silence after letting out an inconsolable rage. That’s all I can tell you.”  She hardened her look.

“Fine. Please just keep me informed.” He walked away before she could answer.

She shook her head at him and returned to the room. When she walked in she figured Paxton was asleep because she didn’t move.  Dr. Keeler set her stuff on the table as quietly as she could. She opened her netbook and let it start up.

“Jack was here. What did he want?” A small voice from the other side of the room asked. Dr. Keeler wasn’t sure what to say. “I know he was just here. Why?” she said with more force.

“He heard something may have happened this afternoon but my secretary didn’t elaborate. He wanted to know what was going on,” Dr. Keeler’s voice was flat. She tried to keep all emotion out of it. Jack’s frustration, his anxiety about Paxton, her reluctance to actually let Paxton know he was here.

“I see,” she said nothing further but just stared at the wall. Her hands were still restrained but Dr. Keeler didn’t think it was necessary anymore. She walked over and undid the buckles and let Paxton’s hands free.

Paxton looked up at her and stared for a moment. Dr. Keeler didn’t say anything but just watched her. Paxton shifted slightly as if she were trying to figure out why Dr. Keeler let her out of the restraints.

“I felt his presence here. Even before I heard his voice.” She rubbed her wrists.

Dr. Keeler decided not to say anything. She wanted Paxton to open up and not feel pressured. Dr. Keeler pulled her chair back up and waited for Paxton to continue.

“It’s always been that way. I always know when he is near. I hoped I was wrong when I felt it when I first saw him. I thought maybe I was imagining it because it’s been a year since it happened.”

Dr. Keeler was intrigued. She was talking about her past. “What has been a year?”

Paxton stared at her like she already said too much. She sat silence. Dr. Keeler decided to take a different approach. “I didn’t mean to pry. Would you like me to go?”

“Yes you did. It’s your job.” Paxton looked blankly at her. Her voice was void of any emotion. Dr. Keeler was taken aback by how cold her voice sounded. “It’s your job to fix me and you can’t because my mind is not broken, my heart…my soul is, but I guess my heart and soul are one in the same. Either way, they are both broken, not my mind”

Dr. Keeler didn’t know how to respond to this. Paxton was more aware of what was going on than any other patient here. This was a reason why Dr. Keeler knew she didn’t belong in here. She knew Paxton didn’t have any mental disorder, she just wanted to escape.

“I see you trying to figure me out. You have done a very good job at trying but you can’t succeed if you don’t understand. Like I said my mind is not broken.”

“But yet you are still here,” Dr. Keeler decided to test her to see how far she would open up, “In a mental facility. Why did you choose this place?”

“Because it seems fitting. It was easy to fake a break down when you know you just want to shut yourself away.” Paxton looked over and stared directly at Dr. Keeler. “It’s safe in here and I cannot hurt anyone when I’m in here. I am perfectly sane.”

“Again, you’re still here. Some part of you believes you are broken, is that not true?”

“I already told you I was broken.”

“What I meant was mentally broken,” Dr. Keeler corrected herself. “Who did you hurt? Jack?” She cocked her head to the side looking at Paxton waiting for a response.

Paxton just stared at her. She shifted in her bed as if she were uncomfortable. Dr. Keeler knew she was pressing for information Paxton didn’t want to think about but Dr. Keeler knew there wouldn’t be any good time to start the discussion. She saw Paxton close her eyes and took a deep breath.

Dr. Keeler was still waiting for an answer, “Paxton?”

“I need my rest,” Paxton said immediately. She turned and faced the other direction. Dr. Keeler knew she hit a wall with Paxton.

FOUR

Paxton walked out of her room to join the others in the common room. Others came out to play games, stare into space, watch TV or maybe even read. Paxton came out to people watch. She tried to study them and their broken minds. She knew she didn’t fit in anywhere because as she told Dr. Keeler her mind wasn’t broken, her soul was. Paxton sat in her usual spot by the window. Nobody ever bothered her. She doubted the other patients even knew she was there half the time. They were in their own little worlds that their mind created. This mental facility was the world she created for herself, outside her mind. It was just one more justification that she was perfectly sane, just a lost soul.

Paxton was staring into space when she started to feel uneasy. She felt as if someone was watching her or something was seriously wrong. She looked around to see if she saw anything out of the ordinary. She didn’t see anyone looking at her, anyone out of place, and she didn’t see anyone else with a worried look on their face. She sat in her corner expecting something to happen. She tapped her foot nervously. She just couldn’t shake the feeling she had. Paxton decided to head back to her room as she still couldn’t find the source of the feeling after she looked around the room again. She shut the door behind her and knew she was in her safe zone. She thought she would be able to shake the uneasiness in here but she was wrong. She knew something wasn’t right, but she didn’t know what it was. Something had changed.

An hour after getting back to her room, Paxton heard a knock at her door. “Paxton?” Dr. Keeler said as she opened the door. She stopped by the bedside. Dr. Keeler looked worried.  “I have something to tell you.”

Paxton stopped pacing. She wasn’t sure what Dr. Keeler was about to say to her. She stared at Dr. Keeler waiting for her to continue.

“I think you should sit down.” Dr. Keeler motioned for her to sit at her table. Paxton sat at the table and nervously shook her leg. “I’m not sure how to say this.”

“No, no!” Paxton covered her ears. She has heard this before. “Get out!” she screamed.

“Paxton, I’m sorry,” Dr. Keeler tried to continue.

“Out! Out! Get out!”

She closed her eyes and started rocking herself in the chair she was sitting in, she knew she was starting to unravel. She didn’t want to hear what was to come next. She heard it too many times before and unfortunately with her profession she told it to families whose family member died on her table. It always started out the same.  A worried expression, a ‘please sit down’, ‘I’m sorry’, ‘this isn’t easy to say’. It didn’t matter what you said. As soon as you said they passed away or didn’t make it, no one listened to you. They try to wrap their minds around it. Paxton did not want to lose anyone else.

Paxton felt two arms wrap around her. She leaned into Dr. Keeler still rocking herself.  “Paxton, Jack has been in an accident. He’s alive but needs surgery.”

Paxton stilled in her arms. She didn’t expect to hear that news. Jack was just here at the facility and now he is in the hospital? She couldn’t understand it.

Her natural instincts as a surgeon needed to know the list of injuries. She could then assess what needed to be done. “How badly is he hurt?”

“His leg needs some repair and they think there may be internal bleeding. He’s refusing to go into surgery without you as the surgeon.”

Paxton was going over the causes of internal bleeding. She listed the possible treatments but she couldn’t figure out why he was refusing treatment. He needed it and she couldn’t operate. He was family. “No. I can’t.”

“He has signed the forms, he will not let anyone touch him or provide him any form of treatment without your orders. He’s asked for you.” Dr. Keeler paused. “I signed your release forms today right before I received the call. I was going to put you in an outpatient recovery program since you started opening up. I have no reason to keep you here any longer.”

“I have to stay here. It’s safe.”

“You don’t belong here, you said so yourself, and now someone needs you. Can you really ignore your oath?”

“I have ignored it for the past year.”

“No, you know that’s not true. You are going through an emotional time. I don’t know what happened yet, but I know deep down, you are itching to get into the O.R., get your old life back. I know you still care for Jack. I saw your reactions to him. Now, he is asking for you. What are you going to do?”