Breath of Life (2 page)

  “Jack, would you mind coming in and talking with me? You seemed to have disappeared on me.”

Jack slowly registered that Dr. Keeler was speaking to him, his gaze was still down the hallway where Paxton disappeared. “Uh, sure.”

Jack followed her into the office. Each step he took, his heart screamed at him to go the opposite way. He fell into the spot where he sat with Paxton. He let his hand run along the fabric where Paxton was. He felt Dr. Keeler’s gaze as she sat in her chair, probably waiting for him to say something. He took a deep breath in and leaned back into the couch.

“I didn’t think she would get so angry at me.” Jack finally broke the silence.

“What did you expect Jack? You had to have some inkling that this would not be a warm and fuzzy reunion between the two of you.”

Jack shifted slightly and looked at the wall. “I didn’t expect her to be angry. Hurt yes, but not angry. I know that I told her some awful things the last time I saw her but we were both angry. We both said things that we didn’t mean.”

She was watching his every move. Jack figured it was because she was trying to figure him out, how he fit into all of this. Why his wife of almost seven years was in a place like this.

“Did you think this was a good idea? Me coming back here?” Jack looked at her quizzically.

“When I meet with her, she never looks at me. She stares at that window right there.” She pointed to the window on her right. “I don’t know why she won’t look at me but Mrs. Andrews told me about you. You two had something special going on between you. She said she saw that the first time you came to the house and she saw the two of you together. When you reached out to me to check on her, I knew you were the one that was going to break her silence. I know that you are the key to her opening up.”

Jack watched her as she searched his face. He could see the concern in her eyes, the silent questions she was asking herself. He didn’t know how to respond to what she just said. He shifted on the couch, sitting himself up on the edge. He rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head. Thoughts of Paxton shutting herself away filled his mind.

“I don’t think I’m helping here. You saw her reaction. She wants nothing to do with me.” Jack stared at the ground in front of him. He couldn’t look at Dr. Keeler right now.

“I don’t know what happened between you two, but you showing up here today has to count for something.” Her voice was stern, like she was trying to convince him that he was wrong about himself, the role he played.

“It shows her you still care. If you leave now because she rejected you, because you made her deal with something she thought she could sweep under the rug, then maybe you should have never come. It will set her back even further if she thinks you abandoned her again.”

Jack stayed quiet thinking about if the decision to come out was the right one. What if Dr. Keeler was right? What if he was going to walk out on the last chance he has with Paxton? Could he risk it? Could he live knowing she was shutting herself away in here and he was the last chance that she had to heal herself, to work through her feelings?  He knew deep down that he couldn’t walk away. He wasn’t ready to give up on her. He knew that the girl he fell in love with was not gone, but she is lost and needs help finding her way back. Once he found her, the girl he fell in love with, then maybe he could win her back. Maybe she would forget the divorce papers he sent her. The only thing missing was her signature before they could be filed.  The fact that they remained unsigned by Paxton, gave Jack a slight glimmer of hope.

TWO

May 2002

Jack stared at the clock. It was about eight-thirty in the morning and he was just waking up from a night out with the boys. He had no idea what was in store for him today. He picked up his phone and glanced at it, no calls or messages. He laid in bed for a little bit then decided he should get up and shower. He was exhausted from the night before and he had just fallen into bed with the first chance he got.  He decided that he couldn’t lay there any longer and got up to get ready for the day.

Jack walked out into the kitchen to find his best friend cooking up some breakfast. He never thought Duke would be up at an hour like this after how much they had to drink the night before. Back in college, they both would have still been sleeping. He knew that they have definitely entered a new chapter in their lives. Both of them were grown, responsible. Duke was up because he had to get to work. 

“Well, this is a sight I have never seen,” Jack walked into the kitchen.  Duke turned and smiled.

“Yeah, there’s a first time for everything. I figured you’d be up soon and would want something to eat.”

“Are we married now? You look good in an apron my dear.” Jack teased as he pulled a few plates out of the cupboards.

Jack set the plates down as Duke started serving breakfast between the two. Jack realized he missed hanging out with Duke. He missed the joking around and good country fun. Maybe it would be good just to stay out here awhile, but with his job it was impossible with the summer school starting so soon. He needed to leave and get back to New York to ready himself for the summer classes which would almost lead him to the fall semester.  

“So you’re leaving tomorrow afternoon?” Duke took a bite of eggs. 

“No in a couple of days. I have changed my plans. I want to come back, maybe during breaks or something,” Jack replied.

“That would be awesome. You think you will get any jobs out here? Maybe a
girlfriend
?” Duke raised his eyebrows.

“I have no idea what to expect from the job hunt over the past few days. Schools definitely need help out here but I don’t know what their budgets are, not that I need a big one. I want to come and help them out. I guess I just have to wait and see.”

“And what about Paxton? You two chatted it up a bit last night,” Duke asked still probing at him.

“She was nice. I don’t know what to say about it though.”

“Dude, come on, she is hot. She has her own career and she’s single. What more can you ask for?” Duke knew Ella, his girlfriend and Paxton’s best friend, would be asking about it later.

“Doesn’t mean she is interested,” Jack continued eating.

Jack thought about the girl who captivated him as he took another bite. He remembered her smoky-gray eyes always finding him, the way she laughed, her smile, the innocence that emanated from her as she tucked her long brown locks behind her ear. She had a glow to her and Jack started to fall hard for her. He shook his head trying to dispel the images of her. “Besides I am leaving soon and she probably doesn’t even like me in that way.”

“But there’s still time to make her like you if you wanted her to,” Duke said. He took his last bite and took his plate to the sink.

“What do you mean?”

“I gotta run, clean up after yourself.” He left the kitchen and headed out the front door.

Jack wasn’t sure what Duke was up to. He was worried about it. It was almost as if they were back in their freshman year of college when Duke tried to hook him up with every girl that passed by. Duke wasn’t acting like they were in their early thirties. He was sure that Paxton wouldn’t give him a second glance as she was very quiet the night before. She held polite conversation with him but he was so taken by her. While she was busy taking care of Ella, he slipped a note in her purse to give her his number. It was a high school move but he was nervous about it. He hadn’t heard from her, so he figured that he was the only one with feelings.

 He didn’t know where the day had gone. Jack holed himself up in his room trying to distract himself with anything he could. He cleaned his room, took another shower and finally settled on working on lesson plans for his students. Duke was out for most of the day then came home with pizza and said Ella was coming over with Paxton for a movie night.

Before Jack knew it, Duke was answering the door. Jack felt himself slightly panicking. He looked over at the mirror as he got up, checking his appearance because Paxton was now down the hall from him. He had the disheveled look going at the moment. He quickly messed with his hair as it was a little bit longer than most guys. Jack straightened his shirt up and put on a pair of jeans. He looked in the mirror again, it was an improvement but not much.  He turned and headed down the hall to greet everyone.

***

“So did you already have feelings for Paxton, before she came over for movie night?” Dr. Keeler asked as she sat back listening to Jack tell his story.

“Looking back now, I would say yes. At the time though, I didn’t know what I was feeling. She made me nervous but it had been a long time since I had dated any girls.  I was more into my career than chasing girls. I had been out of college for a couple years at that point.”

“So what made Paxton different then? I mean, you seemed to want to focus on your career. After all that is why you were in Kansas, to look for a job, right?”

“Yeah, I was there looking for a new way to let music help kids,” Jack replied.

“So what happened that you dove into your career head first? I think that would be a good point to start to help me understand the reason why Paxton was so different.” Dr. Keeler leaned forward and grabbed her mug of coffee. She knew she hit an uncomfortable subject for him because he kept slightly adjusting his position in his chair and he avoided eye contact with her. It was like he was trying to decide how much he should divulge to her.

“Jack, let me remind you that I’m here to help Paxton. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think it was pertinent to her case,” Dr. Keeler tried to reassure him.

“It’s not that I don’t want to share because I don’t think it will help Paxton, it’s just that it was a long time ago and sometimes it hurts to think how much has changed since then. Then I remember the end with Paxton and I changed into a person I thought I would never be. I’m here to make amends and pray to God that Paxton will give me another chance because even though she may not deserve another one with me, I realized that she’s part of me and I can’t turn my back on her again. That is why I am here now.”

“I can tell you want to help her. You have taken the first step by talking to me.” Dr. Keeler set her mug down. “Why don’t you tell me about your family?”

Dr. Keeler saw Jack contemplating on whether or not he should answer. He rubbed his hands together and dropped his head a little bit as he leaned back. He looked over at the window and stared for a moment. Then he leaned forward again. He finally looked at her and leaned forward after a few minutes.

“I grew up in New York. A prominent family but I resented the wealth.” He paused and looked off to the side. Dr. Keeler didn’t interrupt. He had been so forthcoming about him and Paxton meeting she was sure he would open up about his past. She continued to wait as she knew she couldn’t press him for the information. If she did, he may shut down on.

“I saw how my parents could buy whatever they wanted. Money was no issue to them. They were both public figures. I grew up in the spot light in our town. Anyone who tried to become my friend only wanted to be around me because of my money. I saw how money influenced and how some people changed relationships. I didn’t find really any true friends until high school. I found my best friend in college. Duke saw me for me and didn’t care that I was rich or came from a prominent family.” Jack paused.

Dr. Keeler noticed that he was remembering something but he did not share whatever it was. She wondered what it would be like to understand the power of money at such a young age.

“So it sounds like you were grounded where you parents may not have been. You saw the corruption?” She wasn’t sure if that was too strong of a word or not.

“I would say
influence
, money influenced.”

He didn’t continue after that. Dr. Keeler wondered why that was. She took another sip from her mug and waited patiently for him to continue. He looked like he was having a hard time opening up about his past.

“So were you parents disappointed when you became a teacher?” She asked when he just sat there. She wanted to know more about him, how he fitted into Paxton’s life.

“My parents kept telling me that I was going to be a public figure, a lawyer, someone in a powerful or prominent position. They really didn’t give me a say. So thought of the one thing they would hate most, something that they would want no part of.”

“And what was that Jack?” She watched his demeanor change. He relaxed on the couch and gave a boyish grin.

“A rock star.” He laughed. “My parents didn’t like the ruckus that bands made. They always complained about it when we passed busy bars on our way to functions. So I thought I would learn to play guitar. I did but along the way somewhere, it became my outlet. Whenever I found myself angry at my parents, I would go to my room and turn the amp on and just rock out. Whether it sounded good or not, I didn’t care. I began to write little tunes and try to play them on the acoustic. Soon, I fell in love with music. It helped me through some tough times. A couple years later when I graduated high school, I decided my career was going to be in music. I wanted to help kids find their own outlet through music. It helped me through things when I needed to get away for my sanity. It was my sanctuary if you will.”  He took a deep breath.  Dr. Keeler kept the smile from breaking out on her face, she got through to him and his is opening up.

“So how else did you try to rebel? How did you get to where you are now?” Dr. Keeler questioned him.

“Obviously with music and rebelling came the girls.” Jack continued. “There weren’t a lot of girls I actually pursued but I did attract a lot and most my parents would not approve of. They were groupies, girls who didn’t graduate high school. The ones who did graduate high school or didn’t continue their education. I knew bringing girls home like that would drive my parents insane. I started partying and drinking. I would come to family events intoxicated and didn’t even care what happened or how I damaged my family’s reputation of a good, wholesome Christian family. I would bring trashy girls that my parents couldn’t even look in the eye or acknowledge they were there.”