Breaking the Wrong (36 page)

Macsen takes a step back instantly, and I cringe. “What does it look like?” he bites out. “I got into a fight.”

It doesn’t take long for me to do the math. “A fight with Julian?”

His lips flatten into a tight line and he gives me a brief nod. “Yes.”

Macsen offers me no more information. I awkwardly look around. “Are you okay?” I ask quietly.

He stares at me for a second and shakes his head. “Do I look okay?”

I look at his incredibly sad eyes and shake my head. “No,” I admit sadly.

Macsen says nothing and I
cross my arms, feeling the wind against my sweater in one huge gust that makes me shiver. Loose strands of my hair break free from my barrette and fly around my face. Macsen shifts to the side, shielding my body from the wind. That one action gives me a tiny surge of hope that he doesn’t completely hate me.

“Why did you fight with him? What happened?”
I finally ask.

“Emilia…” He snorts and looks around us. “I don’t want to do this here.”

“Then where?” I ask instantly.

“Just go home.” My face falls and he keeps speaking. “Have you talked to Julian yet?”

I shake my head back and forth. “No.” Macsen mutters curses underneath his breath and I step closer until there are only inches separating us. “What is going on?”

He points behind me
, in the direction of my family’s home. “Go talk to him. He’ll tell you everything.”

Whatever needs to be said, I want it to come from Macsen. “Tell me what? Macsen, just tell me!”

Taking a step back, I think he’s going to ignore my request. But all he does is look down at the ground, and when he glances at me, I see a bit of the old Macsen. He stares at me with sympathy, and that only makes alarm rise in my body. “What did you have planned for me?”

Instinctively, I take a step back. “What?”

“How did you plan to bring me down? I mean I was on your list. You must have had something planned.”

I owe him this, but I do
n’t want to tell him. I shake my head, and his eyes flare angrily. “Tell me!” he shouts.

“I was going to do the same thing I thought you did to E,” I admit reluctantly. “I was going to lead you on, get close to you, and use you
r secrets against you, and…” I fumble over my words.

“And humiliate me like Elizabeth was
humiliated,” Macsen finishes for me.

I nod my head.

Macsen looks at me with so much anger, I wait for him to shout out at me. To tell me to go to hell, to leave him the fuck alone. But he does none of that. He stares at me blankly and I wish he would respond and give me any reaction besides the one he’s giving me.

He clears his throat, and asks another question I wasn’t planning on. “What happened to Elizabeth?”

“What?”

“Your sister,” he
persists. “How did she die?”

I think I’d do just about anything for Macsen, but this pushes my limits. I hold Elizabeth so close to my heart that I don’t think I can ever share the details of her death. But this could be a matter of losing Macsen or keeping him. And I want to keep him
in my life. More than anything.

Blinking back my tears
, I look him in the eye. He flinches, like I’ve physical struck him. “My family went to the Hamptons for fall break that year. I was in England at the time, but I planned on flying in to meet them there.” I take a deep, shuddering breath. Macsen’s eyes never leave my face. “She hung herself from the balcony in her room.” My voice quivers, but I don’t cry. “Aniston was the one to find her.”

His eyes slam shut for a moment. A muscle in his jaw ticks and I wait, just hoping that no matter what he’s thinking, he doesn’t walk away. Not after everything I just said. “And because she talked about me, you thought I pushed her to do that?”

“Yes! Macsen, my sister wrote about you in her journal. Before I left for England, she told me she was talking to you. What was I supposed to think?”

“That I would never humiliate someone like that!”

My eyes widen because he knows too much. “Who did you talk to?”

“I’ve talked to
everyone close to me that could give me any piece of the truth. You weren’t going to give me that.”

“Macsen-“

His hands grasp the sides of my face gently and I instantly stop speaking and enjoy the feeling of being touched by him again.

“Every bad thing I’ve done? You already know about,” Macsen admits gruffly. “But I would never do this, to anyone. I’m sorry
for what happened to Elizabeth.” He pauses and looks at me closely. “I’m sorry for everything you have been through. But you need to go back home because you need the truth.”

I swallow and stare down at the ground. “Do you know who did this?”

Silence slides between us. I think he’s going to ignore my question. But finally he answers. “Yes.”

My head shoots up and I stare at him solemnl
y. I’ve wanted the truth for years and now that I’m possibly seconds away from hearing it, I’m scared to know. It’s so easy to live with revenge and hate, but the truth is something altogether different and brutal. A part of me wants to live with my hate, because once the truth is out, I can’t go back. “If you know Macsen, just tell me. Please.”

“Julian,” he says firmly. “Julian was the one who talked to Elizabeth.” 

I hear him. I understand what he’s saying, but my brain can’t grasp his words. It was someone close to our family. Someone we trusted. “What?” I whisper.

“When he was talking to her, he lived with me and had access to my computer. He created an e-mail
account with my name to talk to her.”

Dread fills me as it sudde
nly becomes clear why Julian is at my family’s house. I’ve spent years pushing the blame onto Macsen for everything E felt. I clutch my stomach and keep my back straight, even though I want to hunch over in pain. My mouth opens and shuts repeatedly. Macsen stands there solemnly, waiting for me to respond but there’s nothing I can really say.

So many people have been broken
by a simple choice: Macsen for all my actions, my own heart for everything I read in Elizabeth’s journal.

And my sister
… she was betrayed by someone that slid into our lives after her death.

My family accepted the Langley
s with open arms and trust. 

Maybe that shows just how naïve everyone in my family truly is. Including me.

Snow falls around us and lands softly on my hair and eyelashes. I blink once and a snowflake quickly melts and runs down my cheek like a tear. Macsen flinches slightly but shows no other reaction.

The seconds pass and there’s no possible way I can form
the thoughts to tell him everything I feel.

“I’m sorry he did this to your family,” Macsen tells me quietly.

His words make my legs shake because he has nothing to be sorry for. That’s what I need to be telling him.

I start to
speak but he turns around and starts to walk away. “Wait!” I rush forward and wrap my hand around his arm. His eyes close tightly, and he doesn’t push me away.

“I’m sorry!” I whisper. Macsen stands still and I keep talking. “I’m sorry for making my list. But I can’
t take back getting to know you. Being with you was the first time that I’ve been happy in such a long time. Genuinely happy! I haven’t felt that since before Elizabeth’s death.”

I see the struggle in his eyes. He pretends not to care
, but his eyes are filled with confusion and wan
t
.

His hands land on my arms and squeeze tightly. I
cringe when I see the tortured look in his eyes
.
“Couldn’t you have said that in the beginning?”

I shake my head and
with his hands still gripping my arms, I rub my temples with frustration. “She was my sister,” I reply slowly.

To the people passing by, I’m sure we look like an intimate couple. But the truth is we’re just two people with a mountain of pain between us.

I stare at him, saying nothing. Dreading the words that I know are going to come out of his mouth.
Because I know what’s coming, his words until now are only a prelude to the heartbreaking, final act.

“My name has been cleared and your family will know who did it.” His
gaze becomes fixated on an object behind me, avoiding all eye contact. “Why should we be around each other anymore?”

He lets go of my wrist and my arms drop to my sides.

My fingernails dig into my palms, slowly—almost like how Macsen’s words dug into my heart. Panic drives me to open my mouth and spill the truth. I step forward and quickly blurt out, “Because I love you!”

When you confess your love to someone you expect the same in return. No one wants to say those three words and have dead air as their response. But
I get silence. He shakes his head back and forth in denial.

“I’ve loved you since-”

I’m cut off by a very hurt and angry Macsen. “You don’t, Emilia. Maybe you think you do, but how can you love someone that you thought hurt your sister?”

“I got to know you!
” I rush out. “I realized you couldn’t be that person in her journal!”

Macsen gives
me a sad smile and takes another step back. “We can’t talk anymore.”

My feet stay rooted in place because I know, no matter how many steps I take toward him he’ll be out of reach.

I raise my voice. “I can’t do that!”

“A
nd I can’t do this!” he shouts back. Macsen takes a deep breath, and shakes his head. “I can’t. I can’t do any of this, Emilia.”

Those are his parting words to me before he turns around.
After a few seconds, I mimic his actions and leave, heading the other direction. I’m not going to watch him walk away because that’s not how I want to picture our ending.

With my arms huddled tightly against my stomach, I slowly walk back to my house
, and with each step I feel determination. I can fix this. 

I can never go back and re
write my sister’s words into the truth. And there’s no rewind button to undo all the pain I have caused Macsen. If I could, I would.

The only thing I can
do is give him space, even when it’s the last thing I want.

PART
THREE

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

-Josh Billings

EMILIA

I’ve been back at school for three days.
Seventy-two hours that feels like years because nothing is the same.

The minute I opened the door to my room, Severine looked at me with shock and it felt like we we
re thrust back in time, reliving our first day in this room together. She looked at me cautiously, like she was in disbelief that I would even step foot into this room.

But even with my secret exposed and out in
the open, I want to be here. I expected Severine to treat me even worse than before but the glares are gone and replaced with curious looks.

Nothing was worse than seeing Macsen for the first time
since we got back from New York. When I saw him sitting at our usual table, I felt a bit of optimism that he hadn’t given up on us. But the second I set my bag on the table, he looked at me with a vacant expression. There was nothing in his eyes. He numbly said hello and asked what I needed help on. It was an extra twist to the knife already shoved in my heart.

It was all I really had, though.

If I were better at masking my feelings, I would have just sat there and listened to him explain math homework; I wouldn’t have stared at him with pain in my eyes.

Sometimes, hope would fill me when I’d find him looking at me while I worked on my problems. The minute I looked up
, he’d frown and go back to reading and the moment I wanted so much would disappear.

So, right now, I’m
doing us a favor. And as painful as this is for me, I know it will give Macsen relief.

“You want a new tutor?”

Melissa stands in front of me with her hands on her hips. I texted her after class and asked if she would meet me at the library early and now that I’m here, I’m starting to chicken out.

Do
I really want to sever the one thing Macsen and I have left?

There is really no other choice
. Macsen may be able to sit there and tutor me like nothing is wrong, but I can’t sit across from him and do that. Getting a new tutor seems like the best option.

Sitting down in the nearest seat, I let free a sigh and pick at a lo
ose thread on my bag. “It’s for the best.”

“Why?” Melissa sits down next to me and gives me a confused look. “I thought everything was going great with you guys.”

Quickly, I shake my head. “Since we’ve broken up everything’s been really … it’s really tense. So I think it’d be for the best.”