Breaking the Rules (Roaming Devils MC #1) (15 page)

Ryker followed her. “I’m okay, Ella. I’m alive and okay.”

She didn’t say anything and it was probably for the best. She sat at the table and cut into her food, choosing instead to eat. He should have protected her better. He could protect her from Razor and the criminal life he led by being associated with the club, but he couldn’t protect her from himself. He sat there a while, contemplating how things needed to change. He needed to change.

Trying to lighten both of their moods, Ryker sat back and glanced over at her. “Vampire told me that you were cranky because you hadn’t had sex in a while.”

She glared at him. “Why are you talking about me with him?”

That idea backfired. “So I can’t talk to my friends now?”

“Not about me and not about sex with me.”

He bit into his chicken. “Well, is it true? Do you need an orgasm to make you happy again?”

“You can’t have sex.”

“Oh yes I can.”

She shook her head. “Are you joking? Why can’t you understand that you nearly died? Dead. Gone.”

“Nearly.” He looked at her. “You’re treating me like I’ve already bit the dust.”

She shook her head. Ryker watched as she tried so hard to keep her tears from falling and failed miserably. He pulled her chair toward him and cupped her cheeks.

“You’re not going to get rid of me that easily. I swear I’m okay. I’m here, alive and kicking.” He struggled with what to say to her and decided to pull her onto his lap instead of talking.

It was a struggle to get comfortable, but once he got her situated, he held her against him with her face buried in his neck. He didn’t know how long they sat like that. He hated that she’d had to live through what he’d put her through. That kicked him in the gut harder than anything he could have ever dreamed.

“I love you, Ella.” He kissed her cheek. “You have no idea how much. I’m so sorry that this is hurting you. It seems like everything I do ends up hurting you and that’s killing me inside.”

She laid her cheek against his shoulder and swiped at her eyes. “How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Deal with death like that? I glanced around the room and it wasn’t the first time someone had been thrown into my position. It was almost animalistic, the way everyone stood around anticipating the bloodshed.”

He slid his hands underneath her shirt. “Ella, I told you a while back that I wasn’t a good man.”

“And that’s what you meant? You kill people? You watch them be killed?”

He didn’t say anything and she lifted her head. He stared into her blue eyes and tried to find some way to tell her the words she needed to hear. He wasn’t going to lie to her. She could ask him anything and if he responded, he wouldn’t lie.

“Did you kill the man that stabbed you?”

His hands lingered at her sides. “Yes.”

“Are you planning on killing Razor?”

He stared into her haunted eyes. “Yes.”

She didn’t say anything to him for a long time. Taking a deep breath, he leaned forward and kissed her. Everything about Ella was so pure. The longer he looked at the sadness on her face, the more he realized just how wrong he was to be in her life. How selfish he was to need her and give in to that need. He couldn’t walk away from her and he didn’t bother trying anymore. But she deserved someone better. Someone that suited her pureness and didn’t corrupt her with the nightmares he called life.

“If I told you not to, would you listen to me?”

He dropped his head back. His heart felt ripped apart the longer she stared at him, expecting him to say no. He didn’t know if he could do it. He didn’t know if he could let his father get away with all that he’d done. Flashes of him hurting Ella flowed into his mind and fueled his rage. Razor liked toying with him. It was an art he’d perfected since Ryker had been a kid.

“No. I would ask you what you wanted me to do instead.”

She swallowed. “Nothing. I just wanted to know if my opinion meant anything to you. I really think it doesn’t and you proved me right.”

Ella climbed off his lap. She blew the candles out and carried her food to the couch. After turning the TV on, she settled on the sofa, watching her favorite show. Ryker needed a smoke. Hell, he needed a fucking hit. Something to take the edge off all the feelings he’d been swimming in for the past hour or two.

“I do value your opinion.” He slammed his fist on the table. “Goddammit, Ella. Everything I do, I think of you. I try to shield you from the bad stuff and keep you safe. But you can’t offer an opinion about something you know nothing about.”

She stared at him. “I know nothing about… How many times have I fucking told you to stay in that bed? I know plenty about medical care, yet you walk around like you’re the damn doctor. You need rest. You need to relax. Your body went through a trauma and it had serious strain on your entire system. You think you feel fine, but I fucking know that you don’t!”

He grabbed his food and stalked to the bed. After getting in, he set the food on her side and held his arms out. “I’m in the fucking bed.”

She snorted. “You’re such an ass.”

“If I’m in the fucking bed, you’re going to be in the fucking bed too.” He stared at her. “Get your hot ass over here.”

She clicked the TV off. “No.”

“Don’t make me get up and carry you.” He bit into his food, daring her to say something else.

Ella stood and walked over to the bed. “I’m not an idiot. I do know more about things than you’re giving me credit for.”

He held her gaze for what felt like an eternity. He teetered between the old club ways and the new club direction. Ella didn’t need to know about the way the club operated under Razor’s rule. He needed to work hard on making it more legitimate. It was one of the things that he sought to do. When he became president, it wasn’t going to interfere with him and Ella. The power that came with the patch created a type of monster he didn’t want to be. With some effort, he wanted to believe he could change it.

She finally looked away from him, smoothing the blanket beside her. “What is so fucking terrible about staying in bed and resting all day?”

“You’re not with me.” He pulled her to him and crashed his mouth against hers.

He shoved her shirt up and dragged his mouth from hers to suck her nipple between his lips. God, she was so damn sweet. Her body was made for loving and he wanted to stay buried inside her for days.

“Stop.” She smacked at his hands. “You can’t have sex.”

“I can have sex.” He slid his hands down, dipping his fingers inside the leg of her shorts to feel her wetness. “We’ll have to get creative with the position, but I can have sex.”

“No, you can’t.” She grabbed his hands and pulled them away from her. “You need to spend at least a month recovering before you are well enough to have sex.”

“Then why save my fucking life? Just kill me now.”

“Funny.” She moved to her side of the bed.

“What if you do all the work? I will lay here and rest while you do all the work.”

She scoffed, turning so that she faced away from him. He reached for her and she pulled away from him.

“I can’t win for losing with you.” Frustrated, he got out of the bed and grabbed his phone. He went outside and dialed Vampire. “Bring the van and get me the fuck out of here.”

****

Ella glanced at the clock three times before she decided he wasn’t coming back. He hadn’t told her where he was going or who he was with. Not that she really expected him to. He probably went to find club pussy to do all the work she wouldn’t do for him. Ella curled up on the couch with her pillow and pulled a blanket over her. It had been a rough few days. She was still trying to process what had gone on at the club, and Ryker wanted to pretend everything was okay. She couldn’t sleep and it had started to affect her at work. If she didn’t do something about it, she was going to lose everything she’d worked so hard for.

Ryker came back around four in the morning, waking Ella up. He went to the fridge to get something to drink while she pushed up from the couch, squinting at the bright light. She wasn’t going to ask him where he’d been. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer.

“You slept on the couch?” he asked, drinking his water.

“I didn’t sleep.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “I haven’t slept well since everything happened.”

She was irritable and agitated. Nothing seemed to ease it either. Ryker walked over to her and held out his hand. She glanced up at him.

“I can’t bend down. Just take my hand.”

She took his hand and he pulled her up. He kissed her cheek and held her close. “I love you, Ella. I don’t know what you want from me, but I’d give it to you in a heartbeat if it would make you happy. I don’t know why you hate me so much.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“You don’t exactly love me either.”

She shook her head and tried to pull away from him. “You’re infuriating.”

He turned her around and pulled her shorts leg aside to touch her bare pussy. “Probably. But I need you and I think you need me too. We’re made for each other.”

He slipped his finger inside her and she closed her eyes. Pressing kisses along her neck, he darted his tongue out to tease the sensitive spot behind her ear. They were really going to do this. She should have said no, but she was tired of fighting with him.

“Where did you go?” Ella asked.

He scraped his teeth along her shoulder while his fingers played with her clit. “I rode around the city with Vampire.”

“You didn’t fuck some club whore?”

“No.” He slipped another finger inside her. “I want you. You know that.”

Ella clutched at his arm as he held her against him, kissing and licking her neck while his hand played between her legs. She needed to say no, but she couldn’t. His touch felt too damn good.

“Can I please have sex with you?” he whispered. “I need to be inside you right now.”

“You’re not supposed to overexert yourself. It’s only been a few days.”

“Then you fuck me.” He turned her to face him. “I’ll lay perfectly still and you can have your way with me.”

She stared at him. How did she tell him that she didn’t know what to do? It was so fucking embarrassing. She’d only had sex twice. Both times with him. He dominated everything. How could she really share that with him? She was nearly thirty and she didn’t know the first thing about pleasing a man.

“What are you thinking about?”

“It’s not a good idea.”

“Why?”

“You just had surgery.”

“Give me something better than that. I said I’d lie still.”

His hands cupped her ass and squeezed. Ella pushed him away. “I need to get ready for work.”

She moved away from him and went to the bathroom. It was too early to go to work but she wasn’t going back to sleep. She turned the shower on, still feeling the tingles from his touch. She stood there as long as she could. Eyes closed and the water dripping down her body, she thought about the scene over and over. She’d never been so scared in her life. She’d been in numerous trauma situations, but that one had really taken its toll on her.

“Please talk to me.” Ryker knocked on the bathroom door, surprising her by not barging in.

She shut the water off and dried her face. Wrapping the towel around her, she went to the door, swinging it open.

“What?”

He rubbed a hand over his face. “Do you want me to leave?”

She shook her head. “Do whatever you want.”

“Why are you pushing me away?” He glanced to the side. “I’m trying to understand you. I want to make things right.”

“You’re not trying.” She stared at him. “You don’t give two shits about what I say. You nearly died, but who the fuck cares? You’ve got things to do.”

He pressed his palms against his eyes. Thankfully, he didn’t say any more. She went to the dresser and pulled out a clean pair of scrubs. She was scheduled to be in the OR all day and the idea of it made her nervous. On top of everything else, she wasn’t even sure she wanted to be in emergency medicine.

Ryker went to the bed and got in without saying another word. He rubbed his eyes, watching as she got ready for work.

“I do care about what you say.” He licked his lips “I know I nearly died and you saved me. I don’t mean to sound and act so caviler about it, but you need to understand that we process things differently. I don’t dwell on what happened. I know it scared you, and for that I wish I could take it back. But I told you, Ella, that if it ever comes down to a choice between me or you dying, I’m going to pick me. I want you in my life. I’m still trying to figure out how to make it work, though. I love you and there is very little on this earth that I wouldn’t do for you.”

She turned toward him, still in her bra and panties. “What if it was me? Switch the roles. I’m the one that had a brush with death and a fucking hole in my stomach. What if you were the one that kept me from dying? Would you process that differently?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I would.”

“Would you be okay with me going out with my friends or going to work four fucking days after my life-saving surgery? Or worse, would you actually have sex with me if I wanted it?”