Breaking Free (8 page)

What do you say to your friends when they think the asshole that showed up at your house hit you and now it’s plastered all over magazines? “It’s not what you think.” That’s all I can manage before I turn to go up the steps, feeling defeated.

“That’s all you’re gonna say, Holls?!” Jason called after me.

Yep. That’s it.

I don’t know how long I’ve been in my room. I only know Carter came home a little while ago because I could hear him screaming at the reporters. I haven’t been downstairs again; I don’t want to face the accusations and interrogations that I know are coming. I’ve just been lying up here, being a glutton for punishment, and reading all of the stories on the internet about Drew and me.

Every single website is slamming him and making it seem like I was his victim. Drew Walker is no angel, but he is
not
the person that they are making him out to be. Did he destroy me in only a couple days? Yes. Was it anything that I didn’t ask for? No.

My door opens and Carter walks in. I’m not in the mood for this right now. I already feel like shit and I don’t want him sitting here giving me the ‘I told you so’ talk. “Can we talk about all of this?”

I look up at him. “Do we have to?”

“Just tell me what’s going on, Holly. Is everything they are saying true? The stories are everywhere online, on TV, even
Dad
called about it.” Carter looks frustrated and I understand why. However, there’s no explanation I can give him that will make him happy at this point.

“He never touched me in a way that I didn’t ask for.”

“What the hell is
that
supposed to mean?!”

“Carter, why don’t you go downstairs.” I looked past Carter to see Nicole and Christen.

He throws his hands up in defeat. “Fine, maybe
you
can get through her hard head!”

The girls come in and sit next to me on the bed. Nicole looked at me in her usual no nonsense kind of way. “Spill, and none of this stupid ass vague shit. We don’t give a crap about these assholes outside, girl, but we
do
care about
you
. Now, you need to start talking.”

I glare at her but she gives it right back to me. Nicole is a pit bull when she needs to be and I can tell that she isn’t going to back down. I sit up and scoot to the head of the bed, resting my back and head against the wall. “I don’t know what to say.”

Nicole lets out a sigh of exasperation. “You can start with what happened the past couple days, especially with the pictures and shit from yesterday. If you want to share some dirty details, too, I wouldn’t object.”

Christen elbows her in the side. “You’re such an idiot. Holly, listen, we just want to understand. We aren’t going to judge you.”

I took a deep breath, wondering if it will help me at all to talk to someone about it. Even if it won’t help me, it will make them feel better.
Here goes nothing.
“When I went to the bathroom before the show, I ran into Drew. It was an…unusual exchange.” I tell them everything that happened after that, but I leave out a lot of the sex, much to Nicole’s disappointment. “So, I walked away from him. He chased after me and we got into an argument as I was getting into the cab. That’s what the cameras caught.”

They both just stared at me until Christen finally broke the silence. “Why don’t you call him?”

“Why, Chris? Nothing has changed. I’m not ready to be anything close to what he wants, and he’s too damn pig headed to compromise.” I’ve thought about calling him or texting him every minute since I walked away from him. He has this hold on me that I just can’t fucking shake.

“Holls, listen, I haven’t seen you as happy as you were in the few seconds I saw you with him. He’s been able to bring the old you back and I’ve missed her.”

A tear rolls down my cheek because I know that what Christen is saying to me is completely true. Drew made me feel like myself. I wasn’t in the suffocating prison I had been in the past few months. I was free. I was happy.

Nicole scoots over closer to me like she’s about to give me a hug, but I get up from the bed. “You haven’t told us everything. What the fuck is up with you acting like we all have cooties all of a sudden?”

Christen doesn’t say anything; she seems to be waiting for my response the same way Nicole is. I can’t tell them, though, they will all think that I’ve gone friggin’ crazy. I don’t need that. Besides, the only thing that me telling them would get me is pity, and I don’t want any of that.

I roll my eyes at her. “Maybe I just don’t like you anymore, ho.”

Nicole throws a pillow at my head as she laughs, but I can tell from Christen’s face that she knows I’m avoiding the question.

“Okay, one last thing.” I look up at Christen, dreading whatever it is she’s about to say. “You need to go easy on Carter, or you’re going to land him in the insane asylum.”

“Go easy on him?! He’s been out of his damn mind, Chris! He tracked my damn phone and busted into our hotel room, then started a fight with Drew! On top of that, he won’t even let me leave the house without an explanation of where I’m going. He is
smothering
me and I can’t take it.”

“Listen, we know that he’s definitely gone off the deep end a little.” Nicole laughs. “What
you
need to understand, though, is that it’s all coming from a good place. When you were missing he was out of his mind. How do you think he felt finding you unconscious in the trunk of that car? Drew may be exciting to you, but he scares the shit out of Carter. He feels like he failed you and now he wants to save you before the next catastrophe, babe.”

Well, I feel like an asshole.

I walk downstairs and everyone is in the kitchen talking. They all get quiet when I walk in, so I’m assuming it was about me. I don’t say anything; I just walk up to my brother, and even though I know it’s going to hurt, I wrap my arms around his waist. He squeezes me back and I hold in the yelp that wants to escape. I pull away before he’s ready for me to but I just can’t take it anymore.

He looks at me as if he’s trying to figure me out, but I turn around and head back upstairs. They won’t get it. I take out my laptop and do something I’ve been afraid to do for months. I Google ‘fear of being touched.’ I’ve never had the nerve to look it up before; it’s almost like I’m accepting it and now it’s real. Apparently, it’s something called Haphephobia, and it’s common to develop it after a trauma. After studying it for an hour, my worst fear is realized. There really isn’t any treatment other than counseling. They say that your fear and reaction could lessen, but the chances of it going away are not great. I bury my head in my pillow and cry. I want nothing more than to be able to have closeness and intimacy with people, but my hopes have now been shattered.

The only person whose touch I can tolerate just walked away from me.
He didn’t walk away. You ran away.
Now I have to get used to living in my shell and keeping everyone else out.

Over the next few days, I don’t leave the house much. The craziness has died down and people aren’t camping out in front of the house anymore, but I’ve seen one or two hanging around. The nightmares have been getting increasingly worse and more vivid. Every time I wake up, I am completely convinced that they’re real.

I go downstairs and Nicole is watching TV on the couch, and as I walk by her, she calls my name. “Holly! Come here!”

I reluctantly walk over to the couch and sit down. Everyone has been trying to cheer me up lately but they haven’t been successful. I don’t want to be cheered up; I just need some time to be able to finally accept the way things will be from now on. I look over at Nicole as if to ask her what she wants.

“Let’s go somewhere, do something, at least just get out of the house.”

I shake my head. “No, but thanks, Nic.”

I get up before she can reply, grab a bottle of water from the kitchen, and head back upstairs. Before I know what I’m doing, I take out my laptop and go onto Facebook. I click on the message thread between Drew and me, and then I make an even worse decision and start to type.

Just wanted to say that I’m sorry for all the stuff with the pictures. How are you?

How are you?
I delete that part and hit send. Short and sweet. Now I’m just going to torture myself waiting for his reply. I think over the course of the day I must check my messages two times every hour. This time, when I open it, it says that he read it. I hold my breath, waiting for a response from him. At this point I would even take a command. I just want something, but nothing comes.

Chapter Six

I’m in the trunk again and it’s so hard to breathe. I’m lightheaded and dizzy, plus the car keeps hitting bumps and my head hurts.

I can feel the car stop and my heart speeds up. When the trunk opens, he smiles at me and I feel like I’m going to be sick. He picks me up in his arms as if he’s carrying a baby, and when I look around all I see are trees. Chris walks up to a cabin that looks like it’s falling apart and goes inside. It smells horrible in here and it’s filthy. All I can think to myself is that this is where I’m going to die.

He walks with me into another room with a bed. I start shaking my head and thrashing my body around. Please don’t let him do this to me. He throws me onto the bed and then hovers over me. “It’s about damn time.”

He reaches for my pants and I scream, but with the tape over my mouth no one can hear me.

I wake up and feel someone pressed up against me, at first I think it’s just another dream. When I open my eyes and see that my bedroom window is open, I panic.
Oh my God, this time it’s real.
I scream, hoping to get anyone’s attention, and in fear of who could be in here with me.

“Hey.” A hand grips my shoulder, turning me onto my back. When I see the face above me it’s a relief.

“Drew, what are you doing here? And why the heck would you not have used the door?”

My door bursts open, the light flips on, and both Jason and Shawn are standing there. I guess they stayed over.

Shawn looks lethal as he stares at Drew. “What the fuck are
you
doing here?”

Jason looks over at me. “Holls, what happened? You okay?”

I nod, but realize that isn’t going to cut it. “I…I’m fine. Sorry guys.”

They look at the each other in disbelief and come farther into the room. Drew stands up and now he and Shawn are toe to toe. Both of them are over six feet tall and jacked to the max. If they end up fighting, I’m not sure J could even break it up and he’s definitely not the least bit scrawny.

“I asked you a fucking question. What are you doing here?”

Drew laughs. He is such a damn instigator. “I should ask you why you feel like you have the right to come barging into my girl’s room.”
His girl? Since when?
I’ve only told him no a gazillion times.

“I’m sorry, asshole. You talking about the girl you fucking abandoned and left everyone else to pick up the pieces?”

Thanks for making me out to be some pathetic loser.
I stand up and wedge myself between them which is no easy feat. Especially since it meant being in close proximity to Shawn and touching him. “Can we stop, please? I’m sorry I scared you guys, okay? I’m fine, though.”

Shawn looks down at me. “Holls, you need to move before you end up getting hurt.” Both of their chests are moving so rapidly that I’m lightly bouncing back and forth between them.

“Don’t you tell her what to do.” I look at Drew.
Ummm, that is the pot calling the damn kettle black.
He snakes an arm around my waist and quickly moves me behind him.

“Get your hands off of her and get out of this damn house. You are
not
welcome here and if I have to physically kick you the fuck out I will.” Shawn got busted for underground fighting months ago and I don’t doubt that he will make good on that threat.

“I don’t give a shit what you want. She hasn’t asked me to leave and that’s all I fucking care about.”

“Oh my God!” All of our heads turn to see Nicole in the doorway with Christen behind her. “You’re here?! Thank God! Now she can rejoin the land of the living.”

Well, any chance I had of playing it cool is definitely out the window.

Christen walks further into the room and stands next to Shawn. “Come on, let’s go back to bed.”

He looks down at her and his face softens. “You go, babe. I’ll be in once we get him out of here.”

“No, you’re going to leave them alone and let them work stuff out.”

I can see him struggling with the decision to back down. In the end, he shoots Drew a look before taking Christen’s hand and walking out of the room. Nicole and J are still standing there staring at us.

“We’ll get out of here, too.” Jason grabs Nicole’s hand and pulls her out of the room. The entire time, though, she is still staring at Drew. He shuts the light off and closes the door when they leave and Drew turns around to face me.

“You need a door that fucking locks.” He runs one of his hands through my hair and grabs the back of my neck. When he kisses me, my entire body comes alive. As much I hate it, I missed him. Drew walks me backward until the back of my legs hit the bed and we slowly lower ourselves onto it. I wrap my fists up in his shirt, almost as if I’m scared that if I let go I’ll never see him again.

Drew’s free hand starts to inch under my shirt but I stop him. He stops kissing me and looks into my eyes, silently asking me what’s wrong.

How do I say it? “Um, can I ask you a few questions?” I can’t read the expression on his face. He rolls onto his side, resting his head on his elbow.
Here goes nothing.
“Why did you come here tonight? I mean, I haven’t heard from you in almost a week, and then you just show up and sneak into my bedroom window?”

“Does it matter why I came back? I’m here.”

My mouth drops open. “Yes, it matters. I’m not some toy that you can just play with whenever you get bored.”