Break Free & Be Broken (25 page)

"We went over this kind of possibility, remember? And that was the plan before."

"No, Sage, before the plan was different. Before, we expected everyone to be distracted because of the prisoner delivered by Quinton. Before, we expected everyone's attention to be diverted to things other than how odd it is that some strange visitor showed up and told a strange story with a lot of missing parts."

"You're right." Sage admits, but then a devious smile spreads across his face. "But that's why I came up with a plan B. Even with a most generous estimation, I can't imagine Jux has more than 15 guys here. That's only five for each of us. I'll concede that if it's even half that number, it would be difficult to get through them if they stay lodged inside, but if we can draw them out, then-"

"No, Sage! No! It's too risky! We are in enemy territory! These are their woods! We already know they have a tunnel system underground; what if when we try to draw them out, instead of all charging out after us like a pack of untrained dogs, some stay to hold our attention while the rest creep out and sack us from behind? And what makes you think they would even come out at all? What, you think you can throw a rock through the window, maybe light a bag of shit on the porch, and the whole fucking crew will come flying out after us? Why are you being ridiculous, Sage? Why?"

Sage grits his teeth. I’m taken aback by the uncharacteristically sharp vibes he’s throwing out at Jade. "First of all, I've been wandering through these tree for the past hour. I saw no indication that they have any kind of secret tunnels coming out anywhere near us. The only direction we'd have to be cautious of is toward the farmhouse. And of course I would not expect them all to come at us, but that works in our favor. We can pick them off, one at a time, until the number left is manageable. Then, one or two of us can run back to the house, sneak in through the tunnel, and catch the rest unaware. My actual plan was for two of us to stay here while the other began in the tunnel, but I figured there's no way you'd be up for that. But if you're willing, we can try."

Jade's eyes fill with tears. "No! Does this really not look like a trap to you? Do you honestly think that after all the effort Juxtapo has taken to disappear, he would really have just gone to bed without putting up a heavy guard unless his intentions were to deceive? He’s practically begging us to make a move! Too much has gotten away from us. I think we should cut our losses and save this fight for another day."

The desperation in Sage’s eyes becomes so visible it almost makes them glow in the dark. "There won't be another day! What do you think he's going to do when he wakes up tomorrow and finds Francis dead and Chales gone? He's going to know that Chales was much more than he appeared, and he is going to recognize how close death came to touching him. If that happens, our chance of finding him again will be complete zero."

It's weird how some words about a situation I hardly understand can suddenly make me feel like escaping was a bad thing. It's undeniable my actions created a major hitch in their plan. I want to say it serves them right for tricking me, but I can’t. I feel sorry.

Jade looks disturbed by the revelation, but not quite convinced. "I don't know... it may take time, but... I'm sure we could find him again... someday..."

Sage becomes frantic. "How, Jade? How? The man is practically a myth already. If he had any connections to the outside world beside Quinton, I certainly don't know of them, but even more damning, neither does anyone else! And think how long it took just to uncover Quinton's existence, let alone find him! Face it, Jade. We used the last of our cards to get here. There won't be another chance."

Jade starts to cry: full on sobs and tears. It seems to startle Sage even more than it startles me. He rushes up to her and wraps her in a hug... a warm hug...

A lover’s hug.

My heart rips in two. God damnit... they're together. Of course they're together. How did I not see it before?

"Can't we just be done?" Jade moans through her tears. "Can't we just forget this whole thing?"

A full host of demons and haunts pass over Sage's face. The inner turmoil that consumes him is so apparent I feel like I'm watching the battle take place in front of me. He wants to accept her request. He wants to more than anything else in the world, but he can't. Some fiend has placed a chain around his neck, the bonds of which cannot be broke. In this moment, more than any other, I understand him. I may not know the exact nature of the crisis, but I can see it's a matter of life and death. I know because I've had the same chains on me.

"We can be done." He says at last. The answer astonishes me. I guess I was wrong... or maybe he simply won where I could not. "But we are so close. Do you mind if I just walk up to the door, just to see if maybe it's open? I just want to get a closer look, that's all. We're so close... I just need one more look, then we can give this up."

Ah. There it is.

I suddenly realize what it is about Sage's behavior that's been so unsettling. He's acting like an alcoholic trying to sneak a fix. First, he just wanted to go stand next to the bar. Then, he just wanted to place a foot inside. Naturally, after that, he just wanted to smell someone’s beer, and now, he just wants to hold one.

The request is so absurd I half expect Jade to laugh, or at least continue crying, but she doesn't. A forlorn look of acceptance settles over her, but it's only there for a second, and then, she grins.

"Okay. But just a peek, all right?

Sage nods. A whole river of tears release from Jade’s eyes, but she doesn't cry. She just puts her hands on Sage’s face, stares into his eyes, and kisses him.

Sage smiles and runs his fingers through her hair. "What’s with the tears? Everything’s gunna be fine."

She catches his hand and holds it to her cheek. "You promise?"

“I swear.”

She kisses his hand and lets it go. Her eyes close so she can wipe her tears, and when they open back up, there is nothing left in them but iron. “Then what the fuck are you waiting for? Get on with it so we can be done.”

Sage kisses her forehead and immediately sets off toward the cabin. Jade follows in his wake. I do the same, but it's almost like I'm not here anymore. I'm sure if I stayed back they wouldn’t notice, but how could I stay back now?

Sage doesn't wait for us to join up with him before passing out of the tree line and into the clearing. When he gets about halfway to the cabin, the entire world ignites in a blinding light, almost as if the cabin itself was a giant spotlight that is now aimed directly at him.

"Drop your weapon and put your hands on your head!" A voice calls out over a loudspeaker.

Jade starts firing at the cabin. While running, Sage does the same, but he’s not coming toward us... he’s heading to the tree line on our left. I duck behind a tree for cover as bullets start zipping my way.

"Jade!" Sage yells when he reaches cover. "You two have to go! Head west-toward the mountains! I'll cover you."

"I'm not leaving!" She screams.

"Jade! Please! You have to. I won't be able to lose them unless I'm alone. I will come to you as soon as I can! I promise!"

Eyes full of tears, an endless barrage of bullets preventing even so much as a handshake goodbye, Jade takes off into the night. I shoot off behind her.

"Don't run through the snow!" She yells back to me.

Of course, of course. Wouldn't want to leave tracks. The problem is, it's hard enough to keep up with her if all I think about is keeping up. Trying to juggle other thoughts is making it nearly impossible.

Just breathe. Keep it simple: Jade in front, gun shots in back. Avoid branches, snow, and trees, and don't fall behind.

I can’t expect her to wait for me if I do.

Chapter the Fourteenth

God damnit.

We've been running flat out for at least two miles, yet Jade continues forward as if out for a leisurely stroll. I, on the other hand, have been in hell since the first. My legs are pure fire and my heart is clogged stiff. My breath is gone and I hold no illusions I'll ever be able to get it back. Up until this point, fear was able to fill the gaps fitness couldn't cover, but now, my steps are becoming skiwampus and I'm losing my feet. Weariness has destroyed my equilibrium. Muscle coordination all but lost, I'm dangerously close to a fall.

"I gotta slow down" I gasp, and proceed to do so. My body-stuck in high gear-trips up as I try to downshift, and I end up sprawled face first on the ground. It's cold-icy in fact-but even so, I'm content to lay.

Such, however, is not my fate. Jade's hands reach underneath me and pull me to my feet.

"Grab your gun. It isn't time to stop."

A wave of nausea pours over me, fortunately resulting in little more than tears. I grab my pistol out of the snow and we resume. The pace is still fast, but gratefully, not as furious, and though my body continues to suffer, I no longer feel as if I'm going to die.

For far too long we carry on like this. I passed what I thought was my limit a hundred years ago, and on the horizon I'm getting my first real glimpse of true human limitation. The only pain I'm still aware of is the harrowing one in my chest. I can feel each pump of the acidic, oxygen deprived blood that passes through my worn out, over worked heart, and if there is one thing I know in this world, it's that cardiac arrest is merely pumps away. I accidentally run into particularly cumbersome patch of snow, and for me, that's the end.

Stopping time comes not because I consciously decide I should stop running, but because my body, in a violent revolt against the horrific effort I’m subjecting it to, locks up completely. Every muscle goes taught at once and I topple forward like a man turned stone. The snow I collapse into is not soft. My body has to crunch its way through a sharp layer of ice to bury me inside.

I kind of hope that Jade realizes I'm no longer behind her, but at the same time, she's probably better off without me. I was a hindrance from the start, and that was with full power. Now that I have nothing left, I would be a dead weight of the worst kind.

My breathing is ragged and sporadic. I start an inhale and my body cuts it off into an exhale, so I try to get in the flow of that, only to have it choke off and revert back to an inhale. It's like my right and left lung are in conflict with one another, refusing to take the same breath at the same time; and that is the least of my concerns! My legs are cramped to a place where the muscles must surely be torn. The contraction is so tight, all the connected muscle in my lower back and stomach are being pulled down as well, leaving me in a crumpled, curled up position. And even that is not the worst of it!

My heart! Oh, my poor, dying heart! Half the time it tries to beat and only trembles, and when it does beat, it matches the strained irregularity of my lungs. Occasionally a big, powerful beat rocks my chest and sends a spike of pain piercing through me. It is one of these that’s going to kill me. It isn't that I
think
one of these savage, aggressive pumps will burst my heart: I know it as sure as I know I exist.

I need to gain control of my body's automatic systems or I'm going to die.

I move backward, starting with my lungs. If I can take control of my breath, I can get control of my body’s first source of fuel and life. If ever I needed that, it’s now. Since I was having no luck controlling which way I breathe, I start focusing on trying to pause my breath. After each crippled inhale, for just a moment, I try to hold it in. I can't hold it for long, but just that little bit of control immediately takes effect. The exhale-desperate to come out-flows with a bit more power, emptying my lungs to a greater degree, which in turn gives me more space to inhale. After doing that just a few times, my breathing begins to even out.

Next, I begin to lengthen the duration of my in and exhales, making them longer and deeper. I pull the air as low as I can, using it to soften my uber flexed muscles. I start with the belly and move down, first to my groin, then to my thighs, and finally to my calves and feet. Little by little the muscles unwind, leaving me with a deep and bitter ache rather than the searing tear I was feeling before.

My heart doesn't take much effort to come in line. Once I freed myself from the immediate danger of a suffocating body on the verge of splitting apart, I was able to relax, and with relaxation came a calmed down heart.

For quite a while, I don't even try to move. The only physical motion I've performed since falling was turning my head so I could breathe, and quite frankly, even that took more effort than I was hoping to give. I don't hear Jade at all. She must be long gone. Good. It's better this way.

It makes me sick to think that if it wasn't for me, none of this would have happened-and not like the physically exhausted sickness that is already rampaging through me-but mentally and emotionally just disgusted. No part of me is healthy right now. All my parts are hating one another. My body hates my mind for pushing it so hard, my mind hates my body for falling, and my emotions hate all of me for being such a worthless fuck.

I should have jumped. Sage easily could have found another to play the role of the pawn. Pawns make up the vast majority of the population. Hell, even I'm a pawn-I see that now-but he could have found a better one than me. I'm a pawn of the worst sort: one who thought he could be a knight, and I fucked everything up chasing that dream.

Why couldn't I just be a knight?

The thought stirs an emotion of old, an emotion that should be long dead. It's the one that tells me I can still go forward: still triumph. I can find Jade, find Sage, and fix this. I'm sure they can think of some way to use me again. I'll do anything-anything at all-to make this right.

I put my hands near my chest, ready to push myself back to my feet. The muscles in my arms and chest contract, I raise up an inch, and then they give out. I plop back into my icy cocoon. It seems I truly have nothing left.

It is in this moment I make the easiest decision of my entire life. I'm just going to lay here, dip to that peaceful place below thought, and wait for either the cold or Juxtapo's men to take me. The thought fills me with a quiet and profound relief. The struggle is over. I am over. The message of this is plain to see: I should have fucking jumped. But ah, I’ve said that already, and the end came regardless so oh well. As the cool snow sinks deeper and deeper beneath my skin, I sink deeper and deeper beneath my thoughts. I may even fall asleep...

Wonderful... how wonderful indeed.

A crunching footstep snaps me back to life. It's one thing to relent to being captured when the prospect of it seems far away. Once it's upon you, it’s a different story, but despite my worries and fears, my muscles refuse to respond, so I do all I can and lie still, trying not to breathe.

"Chales!" comes a hiss.

Relief takes me by the hand. It's just Jade. Despite all I know about how she'd be better off without me, I'm still overfilled with joy that she came back. I hadn't even begun to allow myself to comprehend how much I would miss her, but now that she's back, I'm back to never wanting to be away from her side... even if she does belong to another.

"Right here." I croak. My voice is a perfect reflection of the state I'm in: raspy, frail, and drained. She makes her way through dead brush and snow until she is right beside me.

"You okay?" She asks.

"I'm so sorry, Jade. I'm so, so sorry." A sob breaks in at the end of my words. I don't have the strength to hold it back, but I at least have the strength to quiet it. I lay at Jade's feet, eyes streaming with frozen tears, body convulsing in a silent cry. It's one thing to face a fuck up alone. It's another to face it in the presence of the one you screwed over. Shame, guilt, and remorse overcome me.

Jade sits in the snow by my side and strokes the back of my head, bringing me straight back to calm. I pull her strength into myself, and with it, I regain control.

"Sorry for what?" She asks.

"I blew the whole thing." I whine.

She harrumphs. "Don't be pathetic. What do you have to be sorry for? For trying to escape from a trap? For talking to a man who threatened your life? Or maybe for defending yourself from someone who was hurting you. You did nothing wrong. Don't act like you did."

When she puts it like that, I do sound pathetic, but- "That isn't what I mean. I know I've only done what I thought I had to... to survive, but I'm still sorry because... because even though my intentions have been good, my presence in your life has still caused you grief, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry you ever had to deal with me."

She rubs my head. "I appreciate the sentiment, but you're being dumb. If anything, it's Sage's fault for picking such a capable chump."

It's evident from her tone that the last part of what she said was meant as a joke, but even so, it's hard on my ears. I don't think it was her intention, but she made it sound as if... as if I were a pawn: a predictable, limited move being who couldn't possibly do other than his role allowed him. She made it sound as if it were up to people like her and Sage-the players-to make sure I did what I was supposed to do, and any failing of mine was simply an extension of a failure of theirs.

I may have just come to a similar conclusion myself-and I must admit that her and Sage
do
seem to be a different breed than me-but it still hurts to know she believes the same, whether she thinks of it in those exact terms or not.

She hasn’t stopped stroking my head and it feels good, so instead of trying to respond, I just focus on that, but after a minute, her hand falls into a repetitive groove; so much so that the area she is stroking begins to go numb. I still appreciate the touch, but it isn't feeling great anymore, so I reposition myself to sit up. Her hand kind of lingers in the motion even after I have moved. I look up at her. She's sitting rigid with the faraway stare of a zombie. Her mind isn't here at all... She's worried.

In fact, I'd say she's scared to death.

Idiot. How could I be so selfish? So absorbed in my own self-pity, I didn't even think about what Sage must be going through. The whole reason Jade and I aren't fighting for our lives right now is because of him, and I've been sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I can only imagine what he is going through... or what Jade is.

"You okay?" I ask, not sure how to breach such a scary topic.

"Me? Yeah. I'm okay."

"Sage is going to be fine, you know."

Jade sits quietly for a moment. "I don't know that."

And I don't know how to respond to that. "What... what can we do? What can
I
do?"

Jade sighs. "It's probably best if we just stay quiet and wait."

I nod. "Should we go the rest of the way to the mountains first?"

She flicks her hand behind us. "We're pretty much there. They're only a couple hundred feet from here."

Well... at least I made it, I guess. I curl my knees up toward my chest, wrap my arms around them, and lower my chin to my wrist. It's going to be a damn cold wait.

I sit encrusted in snow counting my breaths, looking and listening in every direction for signs of our pursuers. Out from afar, an intense gunfight rips open the night. It only lasts for a few seconds, but it was enough to make Jade flinch, and I couldn’t help but cringe myself. Sage was fighting. When silence glides back over us on its voiceless wings, it leaves a knife wound in my chest.

It might only be quiet because Sage is dead.

Maybe five minutes later, a barrage of sound gives word of a second fight. At first, I’m struck with a flash of jubilance because it means that Sage must still be out there-they wouldn’t be shooting at each other!- but then it goes quiet again, and I gotta think that maybe... maybe this time, it was him.

Fifteen minutes after that, there was another battle, and forty minutes after that: another. But it’s been about an hour now since we’ve heard anything, and Jade has become nothing if not restless. She’s been chirping out bird calls every so often for half an hour, but she’s not been answered, by friend or foe. Every time it happens, I hold out hope that Sage and his goofy grin will come sauntering out from the trees, or perhaps swing down from one of their limbs like a playful chimp, but he never does.

At long last, Jade sighs. "I've got to go back."

The resolution in her voice sends a chill through me that not even the frosty temperature could produce. "Shouldn't we at least wait for Sage?"

"He's not coming."

I don't like what those words could imply. "Of course he is.”

She smiles the saddest, emptiest smile that ever was. "He isn’t."

I can’t look away from her. "He is."

She shakes her head. "Not unless he kills Jux."

"Well...” I wring my hands, “even if he does want to try, don't you think he'll be okay? I saw him take out like eight guys earlier as if it were nothing, and he said he saw less than that. He’s the most capable guy I’ve ever met. I’m sure he’ll be fine." I say the words for her benefit as much as mine. I don't want to let it show, but I'm worried about him too.