Boyfriend (24 page)

“I don’t know…”

“I want this, Kerry,” I started.  “I want you and no matter what happens here, I won’t regret any of this.”  I touched her face and looked at her lips, still wet from our kiss.  “But you are engaged.  I don’t want you to regret this.”
What was I saying?
“I want you to be sure.”

She looked into my eyes, her resolve crumpling.  She pulled out of my embrace, visibly reeling from my words.  “I don’t know…. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

I nodded.

“I should hate you.  I should hate you for how you hurt me…”

“I know-”

“But I can’t,” she continued running her hands through her hair.  “I think of you.  All these years later and I think of you.  I think of you in the shower.  I think of you before I go to bed at night.  I think of you when he touches me.  It’s like no matter how hard I try to forget you… to hate you… I can’t.” 

I reached out and pulled her to me.  I wrapped my arms around her, looking into her eyes.  I felt so heavy.  There was nothing I could say to make up for what I had done to her.  She should hate me.  She had every right to hate me.  

“I wish I could take it back,” I murmured, the thoughtless summer I shared with Jayna rushing back to my mind.  “I was a kid.  I was an idiot.  I was scared.  But I love you so much, baby.”

I kissed her again and held her tight.  I buried my face in her hair, inhaling her sweet scent, drowning in the feel of her in my arms.  She ran her hands through my hair, kissing my face and neck.  I touched her face and she kissed my palm.

“I don’t know why I’m doing this.”

“Because you’re mine,” I said in between kisses.  She kissed me harder as I unwrapped her dress.  “Say it, baby.”  I wanted her to admit it.  What we had was bigger than the hurt… the pain, and the other people in our lives.  “Say it.”

“I’m yours,” she whispered as her dress fell to the floor.

I lifted her up so her legs wrapped around my waist, continuing to kiss her as I placed her on the couch.

She removed her bra and fell back on the sofa.  She wanted me to take off her panties. 

That hadn’t changed.

I kissed from her breasts to her stomach and eased her panties down.  I spread her legs and buried my face in her, kissing and licking between her thighs.  She ran her hands through my hair as sweet moans escaped her lips.  When she came, I kissed a path from her stomach to her lips, my mouth falling deeply into hers before she pulled away and took a breath.  I stood again and she untied my sweatpants.  I pulled down my boxers as she reached for a condom from her purse.  She took me in her hands and rolled it down my shaft and pulled me inside her as we kissed.  I closed my eyes, the feeling inundating my senses, like an ice pack finally penetrating a deep pain.

Her eyes stayed on mine, studying my every reaction, soft moans escaping her lips the harder I pushed, the deeper I went.  I pressed into her so every part of me was on every part of her.  She came before I did, quivering beneath me and grabbing for me with her lips.  I pushed harder and faster as she grew tighter. 

“Nate,” she said letting my name escape her lips almost involuntarily.

Just that hint that I had reached that deep into her made me explode.  I stayed inside her for a moment before pulling out, kissing her chin and neck, so grateful to have her in my arms.  I kissed her once more before pulling away to wipe the sweat off my face.  I sat back on the sofa placing her feet on my lap.  She put her hand on her head and stared at the ceiling. 

“Kerry?” 

She was silent, tears streaming down her face.

“Baby…” I said again.  I ran my hands along her legs staring over at her. 

Fuck.
  I should have taken it slower.  I should have waited until she ended things with her fiancé.

She pulled her legs off my lap and reached for where I had tossed her underwear.  “I have to go,” she choked, putting them on.

“What?” I grabbed my boxers.

“I have to go to class,” she said.  She glanced at the gold watch on her wrist.  “I’ve already been gone almost two hours.”

“Skip it,” I pleaded reaching out and touching her back, my fingertips just reaching her before she pulled away. 

She pulled her underwear up and wiped the tears from her face.  I watched as she snapped her bra closed, her eyes still glassy.

“Nate,” she said after a moment. “Why do you have a Babies R Us bag on your table?”  She looked in my eyes as she pulled on her dress and tied it closed. 

I looked over at the table.  I wasn’t sure how I hadn’t noticed.  Allison must have bought some things for the baby and left the bag on the table when she left.

“Please don’t tell me you have a baby… or a wife you forgot to tell me about,” she continued, slipping on her shoes. 

“No.” I pulled on my boxers.  “That just some stuff for my nephew.”

“Don’t lie to me, Nate.”

I shook my head.  “Are we really going to fight after what just happened?” 

“This was a mistake.” She stuck her feet in her shoes.

“Mistake?” I stood and rushed towards the door where she was making her way fast.  I stood in front of it blocking her from leaving.  “How could this have been a mistake? We aren’t strangers.”

“I’m engaged, Nate.  And you have…” She gestured towards the bag.  “God knows what you have going on.”  She took a few more steps towards the door.

I laughed in disbelief, running my hands over my hair, suddenly aware that I stood in my boxers while she was fully dressed.

“Don’t leave like this,” I said feeling panicked.

She paused for a moment gazing back at the sofa and then to me.  “I just need some time to think.”

I nodded and backed away from where I stood blocking her exit.

She opened the door and walked out.  I sat back down on the sofa.  Her scent still traveling through the air.  I leaned back and listened to the crash and rise of Kerry’s heels as she made her way back to the elevator. 

***

I waited by the phone while Kerry took time to think like I was a lovesick teenager.  Every day, I gazed at the place we made love with an unfamiliar yearning.  I had never thought she would let me touch her again.  Now the scent of her shampoo lingered in the air, and I couldn’t get the image of her lying beneath me out of my head.

I was obsessed. 

I could barely focus at work and Keith had begun to take notice.  I asked that he discreetly schedule me on days when Allison wasn’t at work, and he just assumed that my change in attitude had to do with our breakup. He had been divorced twice and was overly compassionate about the subject of breakups. 

Phil and Natalie also noticed something was up.  But both of them knew me well enough to know that it wasn’t just what was going on with Allison.

“Truthfully, Nate, is there someone else?”  Natalie asked me one afternoon.  She, Cole and Max had stopped by to bring me dinner.  She wandered around my apartment picking up trash with her fingertips, her nose wrinkled in disgust.  “Cole! Don’t touch that!” she screamed, when Cole reached under my coffee table for a dirty plastic spoon.  Cole jumped and pulled his hand back. 

“You act like he is going to get a disease from touching something,” I said.  Max laughed. 

“He just might,” Natalie said frowning.  “But, you didn’t answer my question…”

“What do you mean?”

“Things seemed to be going so well with Allison, and then out of nowhere you act like you don’t give a shit about her.” She closed a trash bag that she had filled with garbage.

“Mommy, you can’t say shit,” Cole chastised.

“No,
you
can’t say shit,” Natalie said glaring at him playfully.  He smiled.

“Of course I care about her. I thought things were going well too, but then suddenly she’s questioning me about where I’ve been, accusing me of lying… not to mention, she
conveniently
gets pregnant right after we inherited that money from Ma,” I added. 

What the fuck was I saying?

“Ally’s not like that, Nate.” She flashed me a look.  Even she knew I didn’t believe the shit I was saying.  She picked up the broom and started to sweep. 

I knew she was right, but I wasn’t quite ready to have her judge me about Kerry.  Especially when I wasn’t really sure that there was anything to tell.

Max walked over and took the broom from Natalie.  “Sit down, baby,” she said.  Natalie looked at her and smiled.

“I’m doing this for her,” Max said looking at me before starting to sweep. 

“You missed a spot,” I joked, pointing to a place in front of my feet.  Natalie hit me hard in the gut.

“No hitting, Mommy!” I yelled.  Cole looked up from where he was reaching for the spoon again.

“You’re right, Uncle Nate,” Natalie said through her teeth.  Cole nodded. Natalie pinched me.  I laughed.

“I love Ally, but you are my brother.  I’m not going to push this if it isn’t what you want, but I don’t want you to regret this.” Her face grew serious.  Cole crawled onto her lap and rested his head on her shoulder.  “I know Ally.  She’s tough.  Once this door is closed, it’s closed.”

I looked at Cole, his head pressed into Natalie’s chest.  I tickled his feet, and he laughed.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

I sat on the steps of Natalie’s two-story brownstone on a Monday morning for about an hour before Allison came trudging down the sidewalk.  She wore an oversized black Northface jacket and carried a CVS bag.  I was drunk and could barely maintain my footing up the seven steps it took to get to the top of the stone staircase.  I sat on the sixth with my head rested against the iron handrail.  I was feeling dizzy and incredibly tired.  She slowed down as she approached, clearly struggling to make sense of what I was doing there or why I was in the state I was in. 

It had been almost three weeks since Kerry and I had made love at my apartment.  I had called and texted and called again but after a few days of her ignoring my calls, I started hitting the bottle and had been unable to stop.  I couldn’t make sense of my behavior, and after a few days of isolation, binge drinking and a voicemail threatening termination from Keith, I left my apartment to get some air.  Somehow I ended up on Natalie’s steps.

“What’re you doing here?” Allison rested against the handrail in front of me, the tip of her nose red from the cold.  “Have you been drinking?”

I shrugged.  “Can we talk?” I asked, struggling to make my words as coherent as possible.

She walked up the stairs to let me in.

***

I watched Allison from a bar stool at the island in Natalie’s kitchen as she took off her coat and got a glass of water from the fridge.  She poured me one without me asking, and I finished mine before she took her second sip.  She poured me another.

              “I’m moving back in with my mom tomorrow,” she said standing on the other side of the island.  “Natalie wants me to stay, but I just feel like I’m in the way.”

I took another long sip, feeling slightly more sober.  Even though things had been better with her and her mother, I knew that was the last place she wanted to be.   I looked at her.  She wore an aqua blue V-neck sweater and dark blue jeans.  Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and her belly had grown.  She looked beautiful and vulnerable. 

I felt guilty. 

Guilty for what I had done to her. 

Guilty for what I had done with Kerry. 

Mostly, I felt guilty for not wanting her like I knew I should.  She was in front of me and what I wanted so desperately to have with Kerry could never become a reality.  I was starting to wonder if it had ever been. 

“What did you want to talk about?”

I stood up and walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her.  She started to pull away but fell into my arms, her face nuzzling into my neck.  She looked up at me, and I kissed her.  We pulled away after a moment.

“Why are you here, Nate?”

“I love you and I’m sorry.” I cupped her face in my hands and muttered it again and again between kisses.  Knowing Natalie and Cole wouldn’t be home until the evening, I pulled her sweater over her head, crouching down and kissing her full breasts over her bra.  I kissed her stomach and started to unbutton her pants.

“Nate, are you sure this is what you want?”

I didn’t know if it was what I wanted, but I knew it was what I
should
want.  Kerry hadn’t called.  She wasn’t calling.  I needed to move on. 

I nodded and slipped down her pants and underwear.  She opened my pants and pulled me out, pushing me back in a chair at the table in the kitchen.

“This is okay for the baby, right?” I asked, suddenly aware of how big she was.  She nodded and straddled me, moaning as I slipped inside of her.  I looked into her beautiful eyes and pushed her hair back behind her ear.  She lowered her head, and I kissed her again.

***

I woke up to the sound of my phone buzzing from where I had tossed my pants on the kitchen floor.  Allison and I had fallen asleep on Natalie’s couch.  I got up, slowly easing her head off where it lay on my chest and letting it fall gently on a throw pillow.  I retrieved my phone from where it was buried in my pocket.