Boyfriend (12 page)

As much as I wanted to feel every part of this moment, I knew entering her would be like running ice on my forehead on a humid New York day.  I had waited so long, and I wanted it so bad.  I reached up her dress and yanked down her panties, pulling them down her knees and helping her step out.  I stood back up and stared at her for a moment.  Her bare breasts were spilling out of her ripped dress.  She grabbed them and squeezed, watching me as I watched. 

“Fuck it,” I said cupping her ass in my hands and lifting her against the dresser.  She wrapped her legs around me as I entered her.  Jayna was soaking wet, and with just one stroke I felt like I would blow.  I buried my face in her neck and bit her lightly.  She moaned harder putting one hand on my head and the other to brace herself against the dresser as I pounded inside her.  She moaned loudly as I moved in and out. 

“I’ve never been so wet,” she whispered in my ear, clinging to me tighter.

Encouraged, I moved quicker.  “You feel so fucking good,” I said.  I couldn’t believe how badly I had wanted this.  She smiled and threw her head back, her ponytail had come undone, and her hair sprawled wildly around her face.  I pushed deeper and Jayna closed her eyes, erupting in screams, her legs tightening around me, and her nails digging into my shoulders.  Unable to take it anymore, I came hard and deep inside her, growling loudly.  She moaned softly as I released her, my arms still around her waist as she slipped down to her feet.  We stared at each other for a moment as our breaths slowed.  I looked away as she straightened her dress, and I pulled my pants up.  I walked over to her bed and sat down. 

The moment was sobering. 

I suddenly felt guilty and uncomfortable.  All I could think about until this moment was finally fucking her.  Now that it happened, I couldn’t believe I had been so weak.  I could barely look at her as she straightened her clothes.  Swarms of questions were running through my brain.  Would she immediately run and tell Kerry?  Was she on birth control?  Had this been her plan all along?    My mind was moving so fast, I felt overwhelmed.  One thing was clear, suddenly I knew without a doubt, I wasn’t quite ready to let go of Kerry.  Now, the ball was in Jayna’s court to make that choice for me. 

“I’m not going to say anything, Nate,” she offered breaking the silence.  That cleared that up.  “I don’t want to hurt her,” she continued.

“Don’t you?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

She was right.

“It was fun,” she said softening.  “Let’s not make it anything more.”  She sat beside me and put her hand on my thigh.  “A lot of fun.”

I looked at her surprised.  I wanted to regret what happened but looking at her with her dress barely closed and her hand running up my thigh, I knew there was a standing invitation in the air.  Just the feel of Jayna’s hand on my thigh pushed my thoughts of Kerry further and further into the recesses of my mind. 

It
was
fun. 

Part of the reason it was so fun was because it was so wrong. 

She leaned closer to me and kissed my cheek, kissing me again on the corner of my mouth and turning my chin gently with her finger so I could kiss her back.  We kissed intensely for what seemed like minutes before she lowered herself on her knees in front of me.  I ran my fingers through her hair as she unbuckled my pants.  She reached in and pulled me out.

“You’re dirty,” she whispered, looking at me covered in the mess we had made.  Just as I began to speak, she slipped me in her mouth. 

I instantly grew hard again.  I ran my hands through her hair and pushed her head down so I went deep into her mouth.  I leaned my head back as she ran her hands up and down my thighs, licking and sucking gently.  I closed my eyes and wondered if it was possible to continue this without anyone getting hurt. 

***

My cell phone rang at about 3am.  The party had ended about an hour earlier and Jayna and I lay nude in her bed, drifting in and out of sleep.  I had lost count of the number of times we had sex.  We were like animals and neither of us could get enough.  When the phone rang, I was draped over her, my head buried in her breasts and arm wrapped across her thighs.  It took me a minute to find my pants where the phone was buried in my pocket.

“Hello?”

“Where the fuck are you?” Phil said on the other end.  His voice was low but frantic.

“Huh?” I was surprised that Phil cared about where I was.  It was pretty common for one of us to disappear and share details the next morning.

“Kerry’s here,” he said.

“What?” I asked, pulling on my pants and underwear with one hand.

“Kerry decided to surprise you,” he explained. “She is sitting in our living room.  I just got here and told her you took a cab because I had to drop a friend off.  I don’t know where you are but you need to get here as soon as possible.”

I hung up and spun around, looking for the rest of my clothes.  Jayna sat up and rubbed her eyes.

“You going?” she asked through a yawn. 

“Yeah,” I said pulling on my shirt.

“Okay,” she said collapsing back on the bed and pulling a sheet over her naked body.  I took one last look at her before I bounded out of the door to find a cab.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

I hesitated before turning the key and entering my apartment.  Jayna and I had been having sex for hours.  I had to figure out a way to greet Kerry but get into the shower without her suspecting a thing.

I walked in, and Kerry was sitting on the couch with her back to the door.  Phil was sitting across from her and stood when he noticed me walking in.

              “Here he is,” he sang. “I told you he would be right here.”

              Kerry stood from where she was sitting and turned to me.  “Surprise,” she said smiling.

              “Hey, baby,” I said embracing her.  I was trying hard to shake off the feeling that she would know immediately. “How long have you been waiting here?”

              “Awhile,” she said.  “I wanted to surprise you when you got off work but Phil said you guys went out.  Your landlord let me in so I’ve been hanging out on your couch.  You know you guys have nothing in your fridge?”  She laughed.  Her laugh was cut off by a deep yawn and I felt awful.  The thought of her sitting here trying to wait up for me while I fucked Jayna made me feel sick to my stomach.

              “I’m going to hit the sack,” Phil said looking at me.  “I told Kerry it probably took you awhile to get a taxi.”  Phil walked to his room glancing back at me with questions in his eyes.  I could only imagine what he was thinking or where he thought I had been.

I nodded.

“I know I should’ve called,” Kerry said when Phil closed his door.  “I just felt like things with us have been off.  I wanted to tell you in person how much I missed you.”  She wrapped her arms around my waist and tilted her chin for me to kiss her.  I did.  I wondered if I tasted different.  I wondered if she would know.  I pulled away from her and yawned.

“Let me jump in the shower,” I said, hoping I appeared relaxed and nonchalant.

“Okay,” she said walking into my room.  “I may fall asleep,” she whispered giggling.  I smiled at her and walked towards the bathroom.  More than anything, I hoped she would.

***

If Kerry suspected anything, she didn’t let it show.  In fact, it felt like she was going out of her way to show me how much she loved and missed me.  She downplayed her success at work and told me she was counting down the days until she was back in D.C. with me.  She said she missed how strong she felt with me because in New York, she felt lost.  I listened. I held her. I tried my best to convince her that everything was okay.  She asked me once about not answering her calls, and I lied that I didn’t get good cell service from my job.  I also complained that summer courses were kicking my butt because the professors had to cram a full semester into the short summer months.  The lies slipped off my tongue like ice, and Kerry sucked it up. 

On Saturday night, she surprised me with my favorite take-out and a massage to show me how proud she was for all my hard work.  That night, when we made love she was almost subservient, mumbling things about belonging to me and how she would never leave me.  I felt like crying watching her lying beneath me, kissing me with all the passion she could muster and calling my name like she was made for me.  I wanted desperately for what she was saying to be true. 

I was scared to death that what she was saying was true.

***

“Was that too much last night?” she asked at breakfast the next morning.  We only had a few hours before I would drive her to the bus, and I found myself growing solemn at the thought of her leaving.  I wondered if it was too late to start over - start going to class and answering her calls.  If it was even possible to forget the night I spent with Jayna.  I glanced out the window.  The faint sounds of an old Nina Simone song, “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” was echoing from someone’s apartment.  Aunt Laura had loved Nina Simone.  Hearing the song, one of her favorites, brought with it a breeze of nostalgia.  Suddenly, I could smell her pies and feel her touch.  I thought of my sister.  I thought of what I was keeping from Kerry.  I wondered if Aunt Laura was looking down on me with disapproval or if she was looking down on me at all.

“What?”

“Was I too much?” she asked biting her lower lip.  She had been intense, and it scared me.  I wasn’t even a little bit worthy of her feelings for me, as much as I wanted to be.

“No,” I lied.

“I love you, Nate,” she continued. “I don’t ever want you to doubt that.”

I stood and took her hand, pulling her gently from where she sat to standing.  I held her close, pressing my cheek to hers and swaying us to the music.

“I don’t even hear music,” she said laughing.

“Shh,” I said putting my finger to my lips. “Listen.”

She grew quiet and then nodded when she heard the faint, sweet sounds.

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good…” I sang.  My voice was barely a whisper.  I felt her body melt into mine.    We stood there swaying long after the music stopped.

***

I dropped Kerry off at the bus station minutes before her bus arrived.  After breakfast, we had gotten back in bed and watched mindless television until we both fell back asleep.  Kerry got teary during the car ride and promised to visit in another two weeks.  After her internship, she would spend the last two weeks of the summer in Connecticut until the dorms reopened.  I could tell she wanted me to invite her to stay at our place, but I brushed it off reminding her of how messy Phil and I were and how her parents would probably have a fit.  She reluctantly agreed.             

We exchanged “I love you’s” and said our goodbyes.  I promised to call her back more often so she wouldn’t worry, and she promised there would be no more surprises.

The moment I pulled away from the bus station, my mind was consumed with thoughts of Jayna.  Kerry’s visit had been such a whirlwind that I had struggled to shove what happened between Jayna and me out of my mind.  I feared Kerry would read it on my face and know immediately that I had been with someone else. 

That I had been with Jayna. 

The guilt. The anxiety.  It was almost unbearable.  The minute she left, I allowed myself to remember Jayna’s touch, the sound of her voice, the feel of her body.  The shame dissipating as I allowed myself to become intoxicated in her memory.  I could barely see straight when I dialed Jayna’s number minutes after I dropped Kerry off.  She answered on the first ring and told me she would meet me at my apartment.  Not wanting to face Phil’s judgment, I asked her if I could meet her at her place instead. 

She agreed. 

Jayna and I only made it halfway up the stairs to her room before most of our clothes were off.  She rode me hard with her back to me on the top of the stairs, my hands grabbing at her ravenously as she bounced up and down screaming and grunting like a wild cat.  I clung to every piece of her, every bit, hoping to forget any part of me that had ever belonged to Kerry.

***

“This is crazy,” Jayna said one evening. 

It was a humid day at the end of July.  Jayna and I were meeting almost daily, and I had called out of work on more than one occasion unable to let her go.  As the summer neared an end, our time together had begun to feel urgent.  Like we were moving backwards towards a brick wall.  We both knew it was only a matter of time before we crashed but as long as we didn’t see it coming, we could pretend like everything was okay.

That evening, we found a secluded spot in Rock Creek Park and had sex on a blanket in the grass.  We clung to each other longer than usual.  Basking in the warmth of the sun on our bare bodies.  Grunting, moaning and muttering shameful things we dared not say with a sober mind.   When we were done, I lay comfortably on the blanket in just my boxers and watched her as she dressed.  The setting sun glowing orange as it made its slow descent into the night.

“What’re we doing?” she asked.

I shook my head, wishing she hadn’t ruined the moment with words.  “I have no idea.” 

She looked at me and pulled her purple sundress over her head.  She turned for me to help her zip the back.  I sat up and zipped her up.