Book of Life (22 page)

Stella’s expression seemed gloomy, her eyes losing their light.

“Don’t feel bad for her, really. What you are is not your fault.” I could see her sadness reflecting regret about being a spitting image of Emily’s dead sister—at least that’s what I assumed a look like that meant.

Stella nodded as though to refuse my attempt to dispel her worries. She was trying to imply, despite my reassurances, that it was still her fault.

“It’s not your fault,” I said more firmly. I crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed. “When I look at you I only see parts of Jane. A hint,” I lied.

Stella reached forward and grabbed my hand. A tear fell from her eye.

I felt my heart shatter with longing. The touch was what I needed and I couldn’t help but indulge myself. I grabbed her hand back. For so long I had dreamed that Jane would open up to me like this. I allowed myself a moment of fantasy, imagining that she finally was.

Stella wiped her tear away with her free hand, turning her face toward the wall and sinking her chin against the same hand as it was now propped on her leg.

I still squeezed her other hand in mine, trying to comfort her. “I wish I knew what you were thinking.”

Stella smiled through another tear. She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

I laughed awkwardly.

She pulled her hand away, burying it into the covers as she slid down and placed her head against one of my pillows. She motioned with her chin in the direction of Emily’s room. She was urging me to go back. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure I wanted to. A small part of me wanted to stay here. But, Stella was persistent, now using her hand as it snuck out from under the covers, flicking her fingertips. She wasn’t going to make it easy for me stay.

I conceded to her wishes, my gut knowing that my time here was spent—I felt almost homeless. I couldn’t be here, but I was tired of the negativity with Emily. What choice did I have? I rose from the bed and made my way back to the window sill. I slid open the window. “Close this after I leave, will you? It’s a little difficult for me, as you can imagine.”

Stella nodded and giggled.

I quickly changed into an owl as the shorts and shirt fell to the floor, save one sleeve which caught on one wing. I struggled ungracefully for a moment. Stella giggled a little harder and some of my embarrassment faded. It sounded so good to hear that laugh. Once free, I hopped up to the sill as a gust of cold wind whipped into the room. With one last glance over my shoulder I dropped out of the window, swooping sharply between the houses and into the front yard. There, I changed into a cat and found my way to the pet door on the side of the house. Entering the kitchen, the lighthearted feeling that had occupied my soul suddenly drowned in familiar scents of sadness lurking in every corner of this house. I found my way quietly back to Emily’s room, suddenly depressed.

STELLA:

His shadow could be seen reflected against Emily’s house across the alley. I watched it until it disappeared. Swiftly, I threw the covers off me and dove toward the window. I looked out, hiding in the shadows of the room. There I saw Wes change again from an owl into a cat. I was impressed, wishing I knew how to do that, too. I guess I could, as Lacy had explained to me, but I hadn’t found the means to, just as I still hadn’t found the means to talk.

When Wes disappeared around the corner I wanted nothing more than for him to come back. Why had I sent him away? I was stupid. I slouched down on the floor with one arm still notched onto the window sill. For whatever reason, the cool air felt good, but perhaps it was his scent still lingering on the breeze that I was holding onto.

Looking away from the moon, my gaze rested on the pile of clothes he left behind. I reached for it, finding comfort in the warmth that still remained on them. I balled them up and brought them into my lap. His scent lingered on them as it lingered on everything in the room. I had been delighted when Emily offered to let me sleep in here.

So far, I’d tried my best to hide the fact that I felt a strong pull toward Wes. He’d caught me tonight, staring at him. I couldn’t help it. I knew he was with Emily, but in a way I felt that if he didn’t love her anymore, it wasn’t my fault if he began to turn to me for comfort.

I still felt confused as to why I was supposed to find him. As of yet he hadn’t helped me to talk, or truly change my life, but still. Deep inside I felt like I’d found something big.

I rose from the floor with a shiver and shut the window. I breathed against the glass as it fogged, looking in the direction of Emily’s window, wishing it were me he had come back to, wishing it were me wrapping my arms around him, wishing it were me that he was trying to keep warm.

I squeezed the clothes in my hands and turned away. Walking back to bed, I slid inside and pulled the covers to my face. I balled the clothes under the covers with me, pretending he was still here, imagining that he had given into me, just like that. My drive to be with him felt deep, and as I fell asleep, I knew that one day I would be—I’d make sure of that.

EMILY:

I woke from a half sleep to the sound of the bedroom door slowly swinging open. Groggy, I sat up, my eyes already adjusted to the dark. There, a cat walked carefully into my room, its eyes—Wes’s eyes—meeting mine with a guilty look. I searched frantically through his thoughts but they were closed.

“Where were you?” I asked grumpily.

The cat began to morph, and before I knew it, Wes was sliding into bed with me. I handed him his pajamas and he pulled them on. A small part of me wanted to stop him, kiss him, slide my body against his, but it was quickly quieted by the depression that seeped under my skin, rendering me useless.

“I went for a walk,” he said vaguely, snuggling into the bed and turning his back to face me.

Fear trickled over me, fear in the way I would feel if Jane were still around—technically she was. “Where?”

“Just . . . outside.” He sounded annoyed.

I pushed anyway. “Why?”

He shifted his weight. “Because I needed some air. I couldn’t sleep. That’s all.”

“But why? What were you thinking?” I felt helpless to stop myself.

“
I was thinking about Max and Srixon and why I can’t help.”

His excuse felt like something he thought I wanted to hear. I tried again to break into his thoughts, but came up empty handed.

“You didn’t go to see your sister or anything?” I pried.

He suddenly flipped over to face me. “No, Emily. I didn’t. I contemplated finding Max, but . . .” He sounded angry now.

I had bugged him about it all week. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of him hanging around Stella. I saw the way she looked at him. I was no idiot, even if it seemed Wes was seemingly clueless. I didn’t really know what his thoughts on Stella were as he’d kept his thoughts to himself lately. This seer game was no fun when everyone knew I could hear them thinking. Stella, too, kept her mind pretty closed off. All of a sudden I was feeling less than special without the use of my abilities.

I searched his eyes for any clue that he was hiding something. Lately, however, it looked like he was hiding something all the time, so that was just as useless.

“Listen, you need to calm down. I’m not going to leave you. I know that would kill you right now so consider it a non-issue.”

I felt my heart sink, reading into his words. “You know that would kill me right now? What does that mean—that you’d leave me if it were any other time?”

He sighed hard. “No, Emily. Stop doing this.”

“I can’t stop doing this when you say something like that.”

He reached under the covers and grabbed my hand. “Emily, seriously, you know how I am with words. Half the time I’m just saying something wrong and you always take it too literally. Give me a break, alright? I’m trying my best here.”

I felt guilty.

“I’ve
been
trying,” he murmured.

I snorted. “See, stuff like that. How am I supposed to take that?”

He drew in a long, deep breath before opening his mouth, only to shut it again. He rolled over, his back to me. “Goodnight, Emily.”

I felt angrier. Why couldn’t I stop myself? I saw what I was doing. I saw that I was driving him away but I couldn’t help it. Wes had been the only real boyfriend I’d ever had. I couldn’t fail at this. “I’m sorry,” I tried, but he didn’t respond. “It’s just the whole Jane thing.”

“It’s always the Jane thing,”
he said quietly, so quietly I didn’t know if he actually meant for me to hear it or not.

“I’m
sorry,
” I said again, more tartly.

He still didn’t move, but at least he responded. “If you were sorry, then you’d get over it. Goodnight.”

His final words stung. I wanted to cry, feeling as though I’d lost the sweet Wes that once took the time to try and understand. Seeing that this conversation was only getting worse, I kept my mouth shut this time. As I laid there I couldn’t help but think of Jake’s blue light again—would it try to understand me? It was ridiculous to think something so unearthly could do that, but then again maybe it wasn’t the light I was looking for, maybe it was something more.

MAX:

I was heartbroken to hear Jane’s thoughts on my decision, but it was what I had expected to some degree. I guess given her life reveling in the idea of death she’d be okay with the decision. Then again, she’d lived but a moment on Earth and I’d lived what felt like an eternity—not much held wonder for me anymore.

She would grow to look past that, though. This I was certain. Her love for me would make her see that life is no life without me. Call me brash, but it’s true. What I didn’t want to tell Jane was that trying to bring her back now challenged my nature. With the arrival of Stella I saw that things weren’t the way I thought they were. Jane’s body had found a life. I feared that bringing Jane back meant having to kill Stella—I couldn’t do that. If Jane knew, she would understand as I did, but why burden her with the thought?

It was time to let Jane go. It was time to let her body lie where it needed to be.

I disappeared from the In-between, not wanting to know any more of what Jane thought. Waking in the pergola, my hand just inches from Jane’s still one, I looked to the guards that were watching me closely. I looked back at Jane’s dead body, the very same body that walked with Stella’s soul. How could this happen? I was beginning to see that it was unnatural to keep her in this state. She was nothing but a sad memory. I looked around at the other bodies, suspended in time like stone. None of them should be here. Somewhere else in this world the universe had already reused their looks, and after all, that’s all they were, a shell.

Snow fell all around the pergola. I wanted to touch Jane’s skin, and inching my hand closer to hers, I did. I heard the guards rustle immediately and I jerked my hand away. Her skin had been frigid—unreal. I turned suddenly, my boots scraping across the floor. The guards were ready, but I didn’t threaten. I walked simply from the pergola and onto the path out of the cemetery. I was halfway through the cemetery when a familiar, sweet scent fell over me. I stopped suddenly, a figure appearing to the side of my vision. I looked up from my stride, my heart already skipping a beat. For a moment I was transported through time, back to a day long ago when snow fell just as it was, collecting on her shoulders in the very same way.

“Avery.” I nearly stammered as I said her name, but composed myself quickly.

Her face was neither hateful nor happy. She wore a long white cloak with a white fur trim, hood pulled over her hair as it came down over her forehead, stopping just above her inky blue eyes. Her arms were hidden below the cloak and it made me nervous, remembering the ice dagger of before. She seemed to notice my discomfort, taking a step toward me as her hands crept out from under her cloak, revealing that she held nothing. Did it really matter if she had held a dagger? Killing me would have saved me the step.

“What do you want?” I asked in a neutral tone.

I wasn’t quite sure what her presence meant. Was she here with the Black Angels, or had she heard what I said to her? Could she really come back to us?

Her plain expression broke and she smiled gently. “I want to come back.”

At first her words felt foggy. Had they been real?

She took another step toward me. “I want my life back, Max. I want you back.”

My heart sank. “I told you that . . .”

She held her hand up to my lips as she’d approached me quickly. “Not like that.” She smiled.

It was an expression I had forgotten she could express. I didn’t sense a hidden agenda, or lies hidden behind the eagerness of her gaze. She was coming from a place of truth.

“I miss my life, Max. I miss all this.” She looked past me over my shoulder. “I feel so much guilt over the things I’ve done. I thought that after all that there was no way I could ever come back. Greg made me believe that all there was left was death and destruction.” Her eyes fell as her whole frame sank sadly.

I grasped her shoulder to comfort her. “That’s what he does.”