Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (10 page)

But, getting back to the point, I thought at first it must be a thing that women of weight encounter because my first two group members were big women. But after that, I was shocked to find how many thin women who were beautiful, attractive, and graceful women by society’s standards were in the same situation. As many of you know from my book, I still have my theories on the prototype of woman that a gay man seeks out when he wants to get married. One of the prototypes is a woman with low self-esteem. There are so many of us and we are all such easy targets. However, what I learned is that selfesteem is often something that women have within themselves from what’s going on inside, not outside.

I recently corresponded with a lovely woman who read my book last year. She thanked me for giving her the key to the problem in her life. She is an airline stewardess who is viewed by men as beautiful. And yet, after nine years with her hands-off husband, she felt as deflated as the rest of us. She has now moved on in her life and feels wonderful about it. I hear from many women just like this-- women who have never had self-esteem issues over their looks. Over this year alone, I have worked with three models, two in New York and one in California who certainly didn’t have a problem with their physical appearance. And yet, all of their external physical beauty didn’t help them feel beautiful inside. Within this same time frame, I have helped women who were doctors, lawyers, nurses, stockbrokers, professors at universities, a CEO in a Fortune 500 company, and a Broadway actress. Certainly they had accomplished enough in their professional lives to be admired by the masses for their intelligence and status. And yet, they felt just as horrible about themselves as I used to feel about myself. It seems as if having a gay husband is the great equalizer among women of all sizes, shapes, colors, professions, economic situations and societal boundaries.

I guess what I’m getting to is simply this. If the beautiful women who had high self-esteem throughout their lives can fall into this dark and lonely hole, what chance do women like me--who by society’s standards have imperfections creating emotional baggage--have? If a woman who held her head high all of her life can have hers chopped off the block, why would I expect mine not to be in the same pile only squashed down a little more?

I talk about this because women write to me constantly looking for excuses of why their gay husbands may have been turned off to them. They write about their torment of how hard they tried to be better wives by dieting which sometimes led to eating disorders, having breast implants, liposuction, plastic surgery, changes in hair color, and so many other things to try to physically change their husbands’ desire for them. It’s almost as if they are still apologizing or looking for reasons why they were at fault. And their pain becomes my pain. I hurt for every woman who has to spend one extra minute not feeling good about herself because she has failed with her gay husband.

In my last newsletter, I wrote about the long awaited conversation that I had with my ex-husband that brought closure to our misunderstandings. I think that these are the feelings that our gay husbands and ex-husbands have to know and understand. It’s not just the superficial damage or the obvious problems that result from these mismarriages. It’s the internal damage and scaring that they just don’t have a clue about.

I can forgive any gay husband for being gay. That is not a conscientious decision, nor is marriage a calculated move of deceit to punish some loving woman. And I acknowledge how difficult it is for gay men to come to terms with their homosexuality during a marriage. However, what I can’t forgive is the cruelty that they display to their wives while going through their own hardships. And even when they are able to be honest and move on in their lives, they somehow lack the understanding of what we are left to deal with. They feel we should just be able to “get over it” as if we can walk away from the damaging years unscathed. Well, we can’t and we don’t. And perhaps when they can recognize this and try to undo some of the damage that they caused, a better understanding will come about between wives and gay husbands or ex-husbands. There is great comfort in knowing that your gay man understands that the hurt goes much deeper than just superficial cutting. And when he can comprehend that and tell you that he is sorry for the internal damage he has done to you, then you will finally be able to start to heal—and even start to forgive.

DECEMBER 2002

UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS…FOR US

Well, there’s no place like home for the holidays, as the song goes. But then again, chances are the person who wrote that song didn’t have a gay spouse. This is the time of year that hurts the most when you are living with a gay husband, whether he be in the closet, out of the closet, claiming to be “Bisexual” or promising he’ll never act on it. It doesn’t matter what the status is when the situation comes down to the same bottom line. There is no way to feel happy when your heart is breaking and your life is always tilting over the wrong way.

The season between Thanksgiving and Christmas is depressing for many people for various reasons. But for us, there is a special sadness because we know the joys that were meant for us just aren’t happening—nor will they be happening in the future with the men we married. We have to face a whole new set of hopes and dreams on our own or with someone else. Some of you are still stuck in the same muck as you were last year during this holiday season, and to you, I am sorry. I’m sorry because I know that no matter how much decking up your halls with boughs of holly you do to create an illusion, there’s no action happening under the mistletoe with your husband. Or, shall I say there’s no action happening for you with your husband under that hanging plant. If you’re waiting for some action or some passion, don’t bother wasting your time standing paralyzed with hope under a clump of green hanging from your ceiling.

What’s even worse is that the start of the holiday season seems to have moved back a month this year. I heard those holiday carols start playing as soon as Halloween was over. That gives us an extra four weeks to have to be reminded of the cheer of the season, which doesn’t belong to us.

Why are these days worse than any other time of the year? Because this is a time when you are forced to get together with other family members and friends and “put on a happy face” as the saying goes. It’s your time to be on stage with one of your great performances. You need to convince everyone around you that life is really wonderful, just like that movie “It’s A Wonderful Life.”

You don’t want to ruin everyone else’s holiday just because yours has been ruined. This wouldn’t be fair, would it? This performance has to be of Academy Award caliber because there are lots of people out there that you need to fool, including co-workers, friends, family members, children, and sometimes—most importantly—yourself.

I say “yourself” because sometimes you are the most important person whom you need to fool. If you really had to face your feelings while going through this time of year, you’d be popping those antidepressants by the handful. In order to survive the holiday season of “joy,” we put our emotions into a different psychological “mindset.” We suppress our feelings of emptiness and fill our lives with busywork to keep us running and doing, never allowing ourselves the luxury of time to think. Thinking would be counter-productive to the holiday spirit.

We look around us to grab onto anything and everything that will make us feel grateful for what we do have in life instead of what we don’t have. We stare at those beautiful creations our gay husbands have helped us create—namely, our children. How many times do I hear women say, “something came out good from my marriage—my children”? Almost all women with children tell me that. And it’s true. All of us who have children look at this as the pot of gold at the end of the dark storm where there’s really not a rainbow. This is not to negate the fact that you have these treasures, but they certainly aren’t growing up with the ideal family that you had envisioned when they were born. But not to be a “humbug” during these happy days, you create a winter wonderland of family unity, or shall I say, family fantasy.

And some of your husbands live up to the fantasy during these heartfelt holidays. They are on good behavior. They know that Santa Claus is coming to town, and there’s something magical about this time of year, even if you are a grinch or grouch for the other 11 months. Most of your husbands will step up to the plate for the “holly jolly holidays.” They’ll do their husbandly duties for the public puttin’ on the Ritz so to speak. Everyone will think that you are a happy loving family. Of course, in private, don’t expect that role to carry over—the one where they do their “husbandly duties.” That would really be pushing your luck.

The most difficult part of the holidays is the illusion of magic that is created. Everyone is on his best behavior. Your gay husbands are trying their best to do the family thing the right way. Those yearly traditions that they grew up with in their own families seem to surface around late November and linger until January 2 or so. It confuses us like hell. Just when we thought there was no hope for the future, this kinder, gentle, more loving husband pops up—reminding you of the days when you thought both of you were in love and your marriage would live happily ever after. And just as you’re mentally being dragged into this annual false sense of hope, boom, the New Year arrives and it’s over. Things are back to abnormal. Sad, isn’t it?

So if you are still stuck in a dark space, namely your marriage to your gay husband, try not to set yourself up for the big drop down. Face the season with reality. Don’t let misplaced kindness fool you. Enjoy it while it’s there, just to give you some peace in your ongoing storm, but don’t delude yourself that this is forever. It’s not—not by a long shot. It’s only the temporary holiday spirit of love that is floating in the air. It will be blown away with a strong gust before you know it. In spite of it, have a peaceful holiday and surround yourself with the people who love you the most during these difficult days.

ENLARGING THE CLOSET

I find it somewhat remarkable that we often find “men in the closet” the topic of our conversations without mentioning whose keeping them company—namely, US. I would like to discuss this because too many women suffer from this “closetedness,” and they need to understand why.

It seems that no matter how rational the explanation is that we are not responsible for our husbands’ homosexuality, for some women, there is a part of you that somehow still feels responsible. I know this because I often speak to these women. Here’s a typical conversation:

“Bonnie, thanks so much for helping me understand about my husband’s homosexuality. Everything finally makes sense to me. It seems like all of those missing pieces of the puzzle are finally in place. Yes, I do understand that my husband was this way before I married him but he didn’t even know it himself.”

Then comes the next part:

“I can’t tell anyone. There’s no one I can discuss this with—not my family, not my friends, not my doctor, not my therapist, not my—well, not anyone.”

Then I ask, “How come? What’s the problem with discussing this with someone who is really close to you?”

The answer that comes:

“People won’t understand.”

And then I ask the question that hurts so much:

“Do you think they’ll blame you?”

Ouch. That’s the thought that hurts because I’m getting very close to the truth.

“Yes, people are going to blame me. They are going to think that I am the cause of my husband’s homosexuality. I can’t tell anyone this terrible secret.”

And then I ask the question:

“Do you feel in any way that you’re responsible?”

Then I get the answer that makes me wince:

“Not really.”

“Well, sometimes.”

“Not usually.”

In other words, sorta, kinda, like maybe. Ugh. Just when I thought the worst was over, it’s still there. Mrs. Superwife is still feeling responsible in one way or another for her husband’s “choice” in sexuality.

This is so common in the months that follow the initial news about a husband’s homosexuality. No matter how many times a woman hears that it was not her fault, she doesn’t quite believe it. She can’t understand how the man who loved her, married her, made love to her, had children with her, and vowed to love her forever and ever until death do they part has been able to forget all of those beautiful life memories, commitments, and wedding vows. She still questions what she did wrong to make him turn this way. Somewhere in the part of the brain labeled “Logic,” there has been a total eclipse that has blanked out the truth in previously understanding the situation. Just when you think, “By George, I’ve got it,” a rush comes over you and you think “I don’t have a clue.” How did this happen?

Women have often commented to me that they feel they are hiding in the closets with their husbands. And they go one step beyond that—they are still in the closets when their husbands come out. They continue to feel isolated and alone in this situation no matter how much they know intellectually that there are millions of women in the same situation.

Sometimes being part of a small group is very isolating. But I know rare diseases that have far less membership than our group and they don’t seem embarrassed to discuss their problem. They may only have a few hundred people in their group. We have millions—and yet we still feel compelled to keep this information a secret.

I think that we always have a sense of shame or embarrassment that keeps us hidden away long after our husbands have made their disclosure to the outside world. Our husbands are often more willing to take the criticism that society throws at gays than we are. And you know what? I think society is far more ignorant when it comes to the situation of wives of gays than they are of gays.

What do I mean? I mean that society will sooner accept a gay person as gay than a straight woman who married a gay. We are the ones who are really facing the ignorance of society. As if we didn’t feel bad enough about ourselves when this whole thing happens, we have to face people’s stupidity not only while this is happening, but long after it’s over. But this ignorance is easy to understand. Look how many of us blamed ourselves for our husbands’ homosexuality until we started to understand that we were not the cause. And look how long it takes women to honestly believe they were not the cause. And as I said earlier, just when I think I have them convinced at least on an intellectual level, the emotions kick in a throw off the thinking ability. That’s when I hear the talk of, “I know I’m not responsible for my husband’s homosexuality, but I can’t stop wondering if maybe he would have suppressed those feelings all together if I had been more understanding…supportive…attractive….etc.”