Bonds of Denial (18 page)

The actions were rough, almost territorial, but tender and encompassing. It wasn’t just Carter’s body doing the act. His heart and mind were completely engaged too. The disconnect had never been there with Rock. Never.

“It’s not fucking,” Carter rasped. “It’s never been with you.” The second admission croaked out as Rock pulled back and thrust in. “God.” It was so good.

A tug on his hair had him turning to meet Rock in a sloppy kiss. He tried to balance on one hand as Rock started to move in a steady pace that had them rocking forward with each plunge.

It was all too much and not enough. His head was spinning, his body on fire and he didn’t want it to stop.

His arm started to shake and it finally gave out when Rock broke away from their kiss to ram into him. He face-planted into the pillow, bringing Rock with him, but he wasn’t letting go of Rock’s hand. If he could, he’d have that hand tattooed over his heart so he’d never forget this feeling.

Rock grunted into his back, the vibration skimming over his spine with each impact and smack of skin. His own sounds were muffled in the pillow, but there was no way he could stay silent.

“Damn,” Rock mumbled, the word drawn out in a slow roll that matched the sudden change in pace. His arm clamped around Carter as he held still, the tip of his cock just inside. “I don’t want it to end.”

Neither did Carter, but he was crazy with the need to come. His dick was aching, the precome spilling out to leave a wet drizzle on the sheet. He reared back, driving Rock deep on a frustrated grunt. “Don’t stop.” He ground his forehead into the pillow, his fingers wrapping between Rock’s to clench his hand. “Don’t you dare stop.” The raw need in his voice was hoarse and exposing. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but keeping Rock there.

Thought ended as Rock braced himself on one arm and hammered into Carter like a crazed man. He shifted his angle and the next downstroke hit home. Carter cried out at the shattering pleasure that burst though him.

With the last of his strength, he wrapped his fist around his dick and stroked it, each drive over his prostate putting him closer to the edge. He leaned on his shoulder and took the powerful thrusts like they were his last.

“I’m gonna come,” he managed to say, his palm twisting over the head of his dick.

“Do it. Come with me.”

His release was more of an explosion that detonated from deep within him. His litany to a deity he didn’t believe in would’ve had anyone believing he was a dedicated worshipper. The world went black, his muscles tensing as every bit of his strength was drained from him. Distantly he was aware of Rock grinding against him with a rugged roar and the warm spill of his own come on his hand as another wave of pleasure powered through him.

With a last grunt, his legs gave out and he collapsed to the bed, sucking in gulps of air. Rock followed him down and sprawled across his back in a deadweight that made breathing even harder, but he wasn’t pushing him off.

Rock’s low moan rumbled against Carter’s neck, each gasping breath leaving a hot steak across the damp skin on his nape. There weren’t words for what they’d just shared. At least words he was willing to say. But if there’d been any doubts about how he felt, they were long gone now.

It was another minute or two before Rock rolled to the side with a moan. “Holy…”

Carter turned his head to see Rock scrub a hand over his face. He smiled, knowing exactly what Rock meant. “Yeah,” he agreed.

Rock turned his head and met his smile with his own. “Not fucking. I know what fucking is, and that was far from it.”

The words were right there, ready to tumble out and risk it all, but he swallowed them back. Instead he gave a small nod and agreed again. “Not fucking.”

But what was it? The answer to that remained unsaid, the truth too fragile to let out.

“Hey, boys.” The same waitress they had the last time they were at the diner smiled at them. “Coffee this morning?” She raised the pot in her hand, brows lifted.

“Yes, ma’am,” Rock said, sliding his cup over.

She flashed him a wide grin as she filled his cup. “I do like those manners.” She turned the pot to fill Carter’s cup, her smile never faltering. Her lipstick was fresh that morning, and the uniform was free of stains, but there was still a tired pull to her features. “You need a minute?”

“The fruit plate and oatmeal for me,” Carter said. He handed his menu over, and she tucked it under her arm as she turned to Rock.

“Two eggs, over easy. Hash browns, bacon, white toast.” Rock rattled off his order before she could ask the questions.

“Efficient, too.” She grabbed Rock’s menu and winked at Carter. “I knew he was a keeper. It’s good to see you thought so too.”

Carter let out a full laugh, but Rock could only stare in shocked surprise, his mouth open as the waitress sashayed away. “How’d she know?” Did he suddenly have a sign over his head saying he was gay? What the hell?

“I have no idea,” Carter said around his laughter. His eyes were bright with the humor that lightened everything about him.

Rock closed his mouth and shook his head, his own chuckle following. “Unbelievable.” The welcome press of Carter’s leg against his had him looking up. To say he caught his breath would sound stupid. Yet something hitched in his chest as he stared at the man across from him. His hair was still damp from their morning shower, the finger-combed look appearing natural on him. So was the very faint shadow of stubble around his mouth and chin. Neither of them had shaved before they’d left.

“You okay?” Carter took a sip of his coffee and leaned an elbow on the table.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I’m guessing this is your first public ‘outing.’” He did finger quotes around the last word. “I was just checking.”

Rock sat back, crossing his arms over his chest. “I hadn’t thought of that,” he said honestly. But it didn’t bother him. At all. Not here. In fact, he was proud to be connected to Carter. “I’m fine.” He reached across the table and took Carter’s hand. He held it, not caring what others thought. “This is nice.”

Carter stared at their hands before he threaded his fingers with Rock’s. “It is.”

If anyone had told him a month ago he’d be sitting in a public diner holding hands with his male lover, he’d have laughed in horror. Yet here he was, finally out. The freedom was beyond description.

“What are you thinking?”

He glanced up, a smile on his face. “How different things are now.”

Carter’s brows rose. “That good or bad?”

“You have to ask?” He nudged Carter’s leg under the table.

“I wasn’t sure after last night.” Carter sat back, withdrawing his hand. He took a sip of his coffee before wrapping both hands around the cup. “I was a dick.”

So they were having that talk now. They’d both avoided it the rest of the evening, letting it fall to the background as they’d baked the cookies and devoured half the batch while watching a movie.

He glanced over his shoulder. They were in the back corner booth again, the same one they’d had before. The diner was busy that morning, but the normal din of conversation and eating clatter kept their conversation mostly private.

“That was the second time you tried to push me away,” Rock said. Carter stared at his coffee, but his wince was still noticeable. “Talk to me.”

Carter took a minute to answer, his fingers fiddling with the handle on the mug. “I didn’t expect this to last. I still don’t.”

“Why not?” He frowned. “Because I’m in the closet?”

“No,” Carter murmured with a head shake. “Because
I’m
in the closet.”

Rock jerked back. “How so?”

“What do you think people will say to you when they find out what I do? How will
that
make you feel?” His stare was cold, a dare for Rock to answer.

“I don’t care.”

“Don’t you?” Carter challenged, leaning forward slightly. “If you didn’t care what others think, it wouldn’t have taken you over thirty years to admit you’re gay.”

Rock ignored the question and held up a finger. “One, how will they find out?” He flicked up a second finger. “And two. I. Don’t. Care.” He really didn’t. Carter’s occupation was nobody’s business. Just like his. Just like their sex life.

“Right. You haven’t even told anyone you’re gay. I can’t see you owning up to having a boyfriend who’s a professional escort.”

“A boyfriend, huh?” He ignored the escort part in favor of going with the positive.

Carter stiffened. “Fuck buddy then.”

“I like
boyfriend
better.” Rock let the word wrap around him. Yeah, that sounded good. He wanted to lean over and brush a kiss over Carter’s lips, but he resisted. “What was the trigger this time?”

“Trigger?” Carter asked, confusion lining his frown.

“Like PTSD. There’s usually something—a trigger—that sets a person off. You flipped so fast, I just wonder what yours was.” There had been one. That second when the panic hit and Carter had simply reacted. But Rock didn’t know what it was.

“You said I’m your first.” Carter swallowed before the rest rushed out. “That’s special.”

“Yeah.” Rock definitely agreed to that. Yet there was an element of hesitation in his voice because he wasn’t sure where the conversation was going. “But you already knew that.”

Carter glanced around, his fingers tapping on the table before he finally said, “There’s no value in what I do.”

“I’m not following.”

“What I do is seen as worthless and degrading. Even the johns who pay for me see me as something they can toss aside when they’re done. I get that, even if you don’t.”

“Still not with you,” Rock said, keeping his voice even as he tried to piece the logic together. “I’m not a john and I don’t agree with what you’re saying.”

“What part?”

“The value part.”

Carter stared out over the diner, his face blank. “To the world, what I do is worthless. You shouldn’t give away something special to someone like me.”

Rock’s anger was stalled by the arrival of their food. He clenched his teeth and shuffled through the rise of cascading thoughts as he processed what Carter had said.

“Here you go, boys.” The waitress set their plates down, and with a quick glance between
them, left with a “I’ll be back with more coffee.”

Neither of them touched their food and Carter wouldn’t look at him. His appetite had apparently vanished. Not surprising.

“Look at me,” Rock said. He needed Carter to see that he meant his next words. “You are worth more than I’ve given you. What you’ve given me has nothing to do with what you do or what anyone else in this damn world thinks. When are you going to separate what you do from who you are?”

“I can’t,” he insisted, the fire of belief fueling his angry advance. “When are you going to get that I am nothing more than this?” He waved a hand down his body, his meaning clear.

Rock shook his head in disbelief. “You are so much more than a body. You’re the only one who doesn’t believe that.”

“Bullshit. Don’t you see? I have nothing to offer you.”

“And what are you going to do in six weeks?” The way Carter froze told him he hadn’t expected the question. Shock changed to anger then defeat before he turned away to stare stonily across the diner. Carter tried to move his leg away, but Rock followed, not letting the contact go.

“You know I have the data.” He waited for Carter to acknowledge him but got nothing. “Are you renewing your contract?” He’d like to say Carter’s answer didn’t matter, but it did. He could be distant about Carter’s job now. He worked at a sex club and he logically understood that acts didn’t mean shit without the emotional connection. But the more his emotions got tied to Carter, the less he wanted to share him. The less he wanted to see the pain and hurt Carter tried to hide.

“It fucking sucks that you know that shit about my life.” Resignation and annoyance were both in Carter’s voice.

“I want to help you.”

“Why?”

“You really have to ask that?” The sharp clench of his stomach felt like he’d received a hard kick there. He grabbed his fork and shoveled a heap of hash browns into his mouth to keep from saying anything else. He tasted nothing but chewed diligently before going back for more.

The motions of eating were just that, motions. He focused on his food and methodically took each bite as he worked his way through the cooling breakfast. The waitress had never returned to refill their coffee and he couldn’t blame her. Their body language screamed fight as well as loud voices and flying fists would.

“I’m not signing again.”

The low words had Rock going still, his egg-filled fork halfway to his mouth. He looked up to see Carter staring at him, his food untouched.

“I’d already decided that before I met you.” He wet his lips and pressed them tight. “I’m done with the agency.”

Rock set his fork down and wiped his mouth with his napkin, careful to keep his expression neutral. There was no way he’d show the relief that rushed through him. “Do you have a plan?”

Carter’s shrug was stiff. “Some ideas.”

“Care to share?”

Carter dropped his gaze to the table before looking back to Rock. “I was thinking of trying to make a go at it with my photography. My savings are good. It’ll hold me for a while. That’s the only skill I have besides what I currently do.”

Rock nodded, taking the next step carefully. “I can help you build a website.” It was
pointless to argue Carter’s perception on his skills and worth. No one could change that view except Carter himself. He knew that from experience. But damn, he would do whatever he could to show the man how wrong he was. Carter’s self-doubt was keeping him—them—from moving forward.

“Yeah?”

“No problem. You can upload photos, set up a shopping cart and define prices based on size, framing, et cetera. Offer your services—”

“Wait.” Carter held up his hand to cut Rock off, his eyes wide. “You’re way ahead of me.” His laugh was thin, but good to hear. “I don’t even know if anyone will buy my stuff.”

“And you never will if you don’t try.”

Carter picked a blueberry off his plate and flicked it at Rock. “Smartass.”

He caught the flying fruit and popped it into his mouth with a smile. “Can’t help it. It’s part of my natural charm.”

“Oh, that’s what it is?”

Rock picked his fork back up. “Definitely.” He winked at Carter and ducked his head, smiling. The breakfast was beyond cold now, but he was suddenly hungry. He could help Carter. He had a purpose now. Once they got the website up, Carter could see how people responded to his work. Give him some confidence to back up his ability. There had to be some contests out there he could enter to get more exposure. Rock could dig into that too.

“Thanks, Rock.”

He looked up. “For what?”

“Never judging me.” Carter bumped his leg against Rock’s in a move that was so normal between them now that it was like a hug.

“Have you ever judged me?”

“No.”

“Then what right do I have to judge you?” He thought of the list of things that were judgment-worthy about himself, the top of which was his years of denial that had bound him to a life of unhappiness.

“That usually doesn’t stop people.”

“True.” He shrugged. “But I’m not like most people.”

Carter laughed, the sound easing more of the tightness that had clenched around Rock’s chest. “That is way too true.”

“Lucky for you.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, distracted. “Lucky for me.”

And lucky for Rock too. If he was even close to what others considered normal than he never would’ve had a chance at being with this man. That was just too damn lonely to think about. “We can head over to my place after this and I can show you some ideas for a website if you’re interested.”

Carter speared a piece of melon on his plate. “Yeah.” He nodded, his voice growing stronger. “I’d like that.”

“We can run through options and layouts today then you can think about what you want to do with it.” He was pushing, but Carter’s hesitation was clear. He couldn’t let him back out of something that would be so good for him.

Carter just nodded before focusing on his food. That was a start. Rock would work on the rest later, because even the thought of Carter backing away from him left him cold and empty inside.