Blurred Expectations (4 page)

“Hannah?” Reed's voice drifted along the wind, and she stared out into the opening of trees as her mate walked toward her. His sandy blond hair was a little too long, his green eyes bright with tension, his body taut. Oh, but how she loved that lean body of his. He wasn't as big as his brothers or Josh, but he was hers.

He loped toward her, and she sank into his embrace. “How was your run?” He had gone on a run of four paws, rather than two feet. Though, from the look in his eyes, he hadn't released any of the added tension that she'd created and put on him.

“Short, but good.” He kissed her temple then ran his lips to her jaw before taking hers in a kiss. “What are you doing out here in the cold?”

She leaned into his body, the heat radiating from him blocking out any cold that could encroach on her. “Just thinking. I finished my yoga, and I was going to go plant something or check my herbs in the greenhouse you and Josh built for me, but I was just taking a moment to breathe in the fresh air first.”

He looked down at her, his eyes imploring, cautious, and she held back a wince. She was the one doing this, the one causing the unease in their relationship, their bond. She had to fix it, but she didn't know how.

“Do you want me to help you?” he asked, his voice full of longing.

She shook her head, unable to face him knowing she was the one who’d caused everything. “No, I'll be okay. I guess I just need some time alone.”

Hurt crossed his features before he schooled them. He nodded, his jaw tight. “I guess I'll go to my studio. Josh should be home soon from Adam’s. He said he was going to make dinner since he still doesn't trust us boiling water.”

That brought a small smile to her lips, and she noted the triumph in Reed’s gaze. Warmth spread through her at the thought of his love, but she still couldn't climb out of her funk.

“I wasn't the one who used the potholder to start a fire.” She smiled again, and Reed chuckled softly, the deep tone causing shivers to race down her spine.

“I didn't use it to start the fire per se. I'd just forgotten it was there.” He gave her a sheepish smile, and she stood up on her tiptoes to kiss the bottom of his jaw. This was the Reed she loved, and with him, she was the Hannah he loved. She just needed to remember that.

“This is why Josh cooks for us. It's for our own safety.” She kissed him softly then pulled him into the house. His hand was warm and slightly calloused, an artist’s hand.

She walked to the small greenhouse that Reed and Josh had built for her and let out a breath. She knew they loved her, and she loved them just as much. Yet this funk of hers was making her feel inadequate. She rolled up her sleeves and dug her hands into the dirt, its nutrients alive and breathing, and her magic thriving. She was connected to the earth in every way possible, and she knew the magic was coming through her, waiting to be let out and be put to good use.

She was so tired of using her magic to protect herself and those she loved. It bordered too much on causing harm. No, she had to be truthful to herself; it
was
causing harm. Maybe that was another reason she felt as though she were sinking in quicksand, unable to get out.

She closed her eyes and let her magic work, the herbs and plants around her reaching toward her, wanting to be near her magic. Before she knew it, two hours had passed, and she could smell the lasagna in the oven.

Josh was home.

She closed her eyes again and flared their bond, sending her love toward him. She hadn't done that in far too long. She felt the love flare back at her, and she smiled.

Hannah wiped off her hands on her apron then took it off and hung it on a peg that Josh and had installed for her. They were always doing things like that for her, little touches here and there to show her they loved her and wanted to make things easier. She knew that, and she was grateful. She even told them she was. Yet, whatever was going on with her was corroding their bond, and she needed to fix it, though she didn't know how.

When she walked into the kitchen, the warm smell of Italian cooking filled her nose and the smell of garlic bread made her stomach rumble.

“Hey, baby,” Josh said as he walked toward her and ran a finger down her cheek. “You had a little bit of dirt here.”

She blushed and ducked her head. “Maybe I should shower before we eat.”

Josh leaned down and kissed her lips, his ponderosa-pine scent enveloping her. “I think I like you dirty.”

She rolled her eyes and bit his lip. “You're bad, you know that?”

“And you like me for it.”

Reed came up from behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He nuzzled his nose in her neck, and she shuddered.

“Feel better?”

She nodded, though she didn’t feel hundred percent better yet.

They sat down and ate, the basil and garlic bursting on her tongue. Her Josh was an amazing cook. Well, he was amazing to her. They all knew that he wasn't as good of a cook as Pat, Reed's mother, or Willow, their sister-in-law, but he was still amazing.

After they cleaned up the dishes, Josh pulled out three beers, and Reed led them to the living room. She sank into the cushions on the couch while Josh and Reed flanked her. Though sometimes Josh or Reed would sit in the middle because they all loved each other equally, she most especially loved it when she was in the center of her two big, strong men. She really was the luckiest woman alive. She just had to remember that.

The thought of their loss struck her unexpectedly, and she bit her lip in pain. She’d lost the baby, their baby. It had been her fault because she had put too much energy into saving Finn and Josh, and she’d lost it. Tears threatened, but she pulled them back, not wanting to let the boys know, but they did. They always did.

Reed pulled her into his side, and Josh leaned over them both, pulling them into his arms.

“Hannah, you have to tell us what you’re thinking,” Josh said as he kissed her temple. “We can’t help you if we don’t know.”

Hannah pulled away, aware of the pain she felt flare in their bond. “You know what's bothering me.”

Reed tried to hold her hand, but she pulled away, unable to stand his touch when she’d failed them.

“Hannah,” Reed said, “I know it hurts, but if we don't talk about it, it’s just going to fester. Let us in, Hannah. We need you as much as you need us. Help us.”

Hannah shook her head and wrapped her arms around her middle, trying to make herself as small as possible.

Josh held out his hand then must have thought better because he pulled it back. She stared at the long scar on his neck, and the pain of almost losing him flooded back in full force. She'd used so much energy to save him that she’d lost their baby. If only she had been stronger, if only…

“Hannah,” Josh said, “we need you. I know that you want a baby—”

Her head came up quickly. “Me? Just me? Do you guys not want one anymore?” Her chest ached, a hollow feeling seeping through her.

Josh stood up quickly and pulled her into his arms. She tried to fight him off, but he was stronger. “I want a baby; I want
our
baby. You have to know that Reed and I want you and our children. But, Hannah, all this stress is killing you. I don't know how to help you but I think maybe we should back off and see what happens.”

She felt as if she'd been slapped and pulled away from him. He let her go but only into Reed's arms. She lowered her head as her body shook, unable to reach out and touch either of them.

“Do you feel the same way?” she asked Reed, her voice hollow, tormented

“I feel like we lost something when we lost the baby. Something more than a life we could have had. We’re losing you more and more as each month passes, and I don't want to lose you, Hannah. You’re our mate, our everything. We need you.”

“Do you feel the same way?” she repeated, knowing the answer.

Reed nodded, and she pulled away again, and this time, both men let her. For some reason, even though she had wanted it, it hurt more than she’d thought it would. When had she become this fickle woman?

“Hannah, you’re not a failure or whatever it is that's going through your mind.” Josh came toward her, but she took a step back. The stark look of pain on his face at her movement opened a chasm in her chest that threatened to swallow her whole.

“I can't get pregnant, Josh. Every other person in our family can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. We’re paranormal. We're meant to procreate and have babies.”

Reed nodded. “I know, and it'll come. We just need to not stress about it because the stress is not good for your body.”

“Not stress?” She waved her arms around then fisted her hands. “How am I supposed to not stress when I am the Healer of the Redwood Pack and I can’t even show others that I’m fertile?”

Josh shook his head and sat down on the edge of the coffee table. “Hannah, did you ever think you’re not the issue? What if it’s my fault? What if it’s the demon blood running through my veins?”

Hannah bit her lip as tears threatened again. She was ruining this, ruining everything. She was pulling away and hurting the ones she loved.

“What about adoption?” Reed asked, his voice very neutral, cautious.

Hannah didn't say anything, but the thought had already been there. There were wolf pups and witch babies who needed homes. Maybe not in their Pack since the Redwoods took care of their own, but in other Packs and with lone wolves and separate covens. She knew it was an option, one that she wanted to do in the future. But she wanted to have a baby, as well. She felt so selfish, so needy at the thought. What was wrong with her?

Josh nodded. “I'd like to explore that option. But, I don't think you're ready for that. It's okay to want a baby of your own. That doesn't make you a horrible person.”

“Yes, it does. Why can't I just want any child and be okay with it?”

“Because you're allowed to be selfish every once in a while,” Reed said. “Even though I don't even think that it’s selfish.”

“I don't want to adopt, yet,” Hannah said, the tears running down her cheeks. “I think that's something we could do in the future, but I want to prove that my body can't fail me again.”

“The stress is killing you, killing us,” Josh said, his voice hoarse from the damage to his throat and maybe something else.

“I'm sorry that I'm hurting our bond, but I can't help it. I’m trying to be strong; I am. I need some time alone.” Hannah bit her lip and tried not to crumble into a ball as she watched the looks on her mates’ faces. She’d torn into them, broken them with that last statement.

Both men looked at her, their faces pale, pained. She walked past them, and they didn't reach out for her. They didn't even try. But that's what she had wanted, right?

She walked out onto the deck and took a deep breath in the cold mountain air. She should have gotten her coat, but she wasn't thinking. She hadn't been thinking much in far too long. She needed to get over herself and move on. How could she do that?

She walked farther, off the deck, and onto the forest floor. The trees reached toward the sky around her, and even in the dark, she could feel their presence. She closed her eyes, letting the magic run through her as she tried to calm down. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up, and she felt something wasn't quite right. In fact, something was very, very wrong.

Before she could open her eyes, a quick, sharp pain struck her neck, and she felt her body weakening. Before she hit the ground, big, strong, hands gripped her none too gently.

“I have you, Hannah,” said a voice she didn't recognize.

How did he know her name?

She felt her body being carried away, yet she couldn't hear any sounds. She couldn't hear Josh or Reed. Her body was heavy, lazy. She couldn't open her eyes and couldn't call out to her mates for help. She was helpless, alone.

And it was her fault.

Reed fisted his hands and tried to hold back the scream that threatened to overtake him. He’d let Hannah leave the house, and he hadn’t done anything about it. She was standing out there right now, alone, in pain, and he was sitting in the living room on his ass. What the hell was wrong with him?

“I hate that she's in pain,” Josh said as he rubbed a hand over his face. “I feel like somehow she can’t even look at me, Reed. It's my fault.”

The tension still running through his veins from watching Hannah walk out the room made his body shake, but Reed walked over to Josh and cupped his cheek.

“What are you talking about?”

“If I hadn't charged the demon like an idiot, he wouldn’t have had the chance to slit my throat and Hannah wouldn't have had to use all her power and strength to Heal me.”

Reed’s heart broke for his two mates, and he kissed Josh softly on the lips. “You were trying to save Finn; you did something heroic.”

Josh gave him a hard look then shook his head. “No, I let the demon inside me take over, and I acted on instinct. I cost us something precious and might've cost us something more. I need to fix this.”

“
We
will fix this. I can still feel hurt and pain through the bond, and I’m worried, baby.”

“Me too. Let’s go outside and hold her in our arms then talk. We can’t just leave her out there.” Josh kissed his temple then took his hand. Reed gripped tighter and held on for his anchor. Josh was always the strong one, and Reed needed him now more than ever. Hannah needed
them
now more than ever.

They walked out into the chilled air and looked on the porch for their mate. Unease crept up Reed’s spine when they couldn’t find her right away.

“Hannah?” he called out.

“Maybe she took a walk on the property?” Josh said as he inhaled a big gulp of air. As a partial demon, Josh’s senses were heightened, much like a werewolf’s.

Reed let his wolf come to the surface, scratching beneath his skin, as nervousness swept through him. Hannah could have taken a walk on their property, sure, but she still should have been visible to them. With the attacks on their den, even with the added protection of Bay’s blood in the wards, Hannah wouldn’t have walked deep into the forest without letting them know or without an escort.