Blue Saturn (20 page)

“Cut it out you two. There are children present.” Gavin’s entrance to the room quickly douses the heat in my body and I scramble to get off Mike. But Mike has different ideas and holds me firmly against him.

I look around and Mikey is helping himself to the fridge completely oblivious to the fact that Mike and I are even in the room.

“Do you know,” Mike starts, “that my girlfriend is an exceptional kisser?” Mike watches Gavin take a seat at the far side of the room.

“Actually I do.” Gavin winks at me and I quickly look at Mike, shaking my head.

“I know, babe,” he says. “He would’ve told me.” Mike pulls my head down to his shoulder. “But I love that you were so quick to deny it.”

“Do you guys really tell each other everything?” I ask.

“Yes,” they answer in unison.

I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

“Can I have some of this?” Mikey is holding a large block of cheese up.

“Sure Mikey.” Mike slides out from under me and goes to the kitchen to make Mikey a snack.

I go outside and sit on one of the lounges. The afternoon sun is on the pool and I close my eyes as the suns reflection hits my eyes. I lay back on the lounge and let the sun warm my body.

How on earth have I got myself into this bizarre situation? I’ve gone from being a part-time nanny who threatened to quit her job every second day to a live in full time nanny to a musician who is going to lock himself into a small room for the next god knows how long while he writes music. And said musician is supposed to be my boyfriend but other than a few soft kisses and one spontaneously heated kiss, we’ve not been all that intimate with each other. I mean, I hardly know Mike. I know I love him. I know I want to be here with him, but I’m not sure how working for him and sleeping with him, eventually, is going to work.

This is all about to get very complicated.

*****

I am running flat out on the treadmill. I’ve done seven kilometres and I feel like I could easily do another seven.

Mikey is tucked away in bed, sleeping contentedly in his new big bed. He asked half a dozen times how long he would have to wait before he can paint it green.

“And can I get a green pillow and blankets and green carpet too?”

I don’t know about the carpet, but pillow and blankets will be easy. Maybe we can get a green rug.

Mike and I spoke about what he wants to do Christmas day. He wants caterers to handle everything, which is fine by me. The less I have to do the better. I’ll be nervous enough having to meet his family.

Cherry, Mike’s older sister, called me this afternoon. She is really excited to meet me and Mikey and gave me a few names of some really good caterers in Melbourne.

“You’ll pay though, having them work on Christmas day,” she said.

I’m sure Mike can afford it.

I asked Gavin what he is doing for Christmas. His family have a big cook up at his parents’ home. It’s a tradition going back for as long as he can remember. His mum especially is big on decorating the house and always has a huge tree in the middle of the lounge room.

“There’ll be close to a hundred people there,” Gavin said. “It’s absolute chaos, but I love it.”

I usually celebrate Christmas with Aunty Beatrice and Uncle Maurice. Meredith and Levi alternate Christmas’ in Australia and then in New York with Levi’s family.

Meredith hates the white Christmas’ in New York and this year that is where she will be headed. I spoke to her quickly while I was making dinner and she was already preparing to pack. They leave next week.

My time on the treadmill comes to an end when Mike appears next to me. He has a smile on his face and he waits for me to remove my earphones before he speaks.

“Are you all right?”

“Yep,” I answer as I slow the machine down to a brisk walk. “I’ll just cool down and then I’ll come back up stairs. Where were you? I tried to find you to tell you where I was going.”

“I was on the phone to Paul.”

“Paul? What did he want?”

“He wants to come with us to Auckland for the relief concert.”

“That’s very generous.”

“He’s just trying to get his job back.”

“Will he get his job back?”

“Dunno. He’s a good guitarist, but a whole lot of trouble when he’s not performing.”

I slow the treadmill down another few notches. “When are you going to start writing?”

“The day after tomorrow,” Mike answers quietly. “I want to make sure you’re settled in and feel at home before I start.”

I smile at him and turn the machine off. “I think I already feel at home, sweating all over your gym equipment.”

Mike laughs. “This was Gavin’s idea and up until he got sober, it never got used. So sweat all you like. You’re doing me a favour by using it.” He takes my hand as I step off the treadmill. “Although, after that kiss this afternoon, I’m beginning to think of a whole lot of other ways we can work up a sweat.”

“Sorry about that,” I say. “I got a bit carried away.”

“Don’t apologise.” He pulls me in against him, his arms wrapping around my waist. “You can get as carried away as you like. We’re moving at your pace Lyndsay, not mine.”

“If we were moving at your pace, we’d have had sex by now, wouldn’t we?”

“Yes. And I’d probably be regretting it.”

I step out of his embrace and look down.

“No,” he says as he grabs for my hands again. “I didn’t mean it like that.” He lets go of one of my hands and gently uses his finger to lift my chin so my eyes meet his. “I meant that, we only get to do it for the first time once. And I want that first time to be something really special. If we’d already had sex, it wouldn’t have been special because we’ve barely had three minutes alone since I got back from the UK.” He lowers his forehead to mine. “You deserve more than three minutes.”

“If I keep you waiting too long, I’ll be lucky to get one minute.”

Mike laughs and kisses me. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve been taking care of that.”

I screw up my nose and step back. “That’s gross.”

Mike is really laughing now. “It’s either that or one of my disease ridden whores.”

I start to walk out of the room. “Don’t even joke about that Mike.”

“Babe, I’m kidding. Come on.” He grabs at my arm and pulls me back against him. “There is no way I’m going back to that. You’re the only girl for me.” He kisses my neck. “Hmm,” he moans. “You’re salty.”

I beat him off from me. “All right, that’s enough. I’m going to go shower.”

“Then will you join me on my balcony for a night cap?”

I raise my eyebrows and look at him.

“Hot milk with cinnamon. I used to have it all the time when I was a kid,” he explains.

“Hot milk with cinnamon sounds lovely.”

“And maybe I can get a good night kiss afterwards.”

I lick my lip and smile at him. “Maybe you will.”

20.

Mike has been in his “creation” room for four hours. And already the house feels completely strange and I want to go home, back to my little farm house.

Mikey seems completely oblivious to his father’s absence, but then it has only been four hours. Mikey is in the pool, playing with an array of pool toys. I’m sitting on the step with my feet in the water watching him.

Technically, he is supposed to be starting school next year, but the health nurse suggested that he be kept back a year considering all that he’s had to adjust to.

I wonder if Mike has given any consideration to Mikey’s education. He’s a really bright kid and I think he’ll do well at school. I make a mental note to bring it up with Mike further down the track.

This morning, I unpacked Mike’s bags, which were still sitting in the entry where he dumped them upon our arrival. In amongst his clothes were sheets of paper from his rehabilitation. The one entitled ‘Your Journey Is Only Just Beginning’ really got my attention. It read that although he’s taken and succeeded in the first step, it’s now he’s back in the real world that things are going to be tough. I think about Christmas. Could we ask his family not to drink? Mike also mentioned he has to perform on New Year’s Eve. He’s going to be surrounded by people drinking and doing goodness knows what else. Will he be strong enough to stay clean? It would break my heart if he gave in to temptation.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

I look up and Gavin is pool side. He’s been for a run and his cheeks are beet red.

“I was thinking about Christmas and New Years,” I say.

Gavin sits down next to me and takes off his shoes and socks. “I’ve been thinking about them too. This year is going to be my first year sober. I had my last drink just before midnight last New Year’s. The next day I went to my mum’s to sober up.” He puts his feet into the pool.

“Are you nervous about giving into temptation?”

Gavin pulls his phone from his pocket and shows me the most recent picture of his little girl. “In a few weeks, I’ll be holding her in my arms. So no, I’m not nervous.”

“I’m nervous for Mike,” I say honestly.

“I don’t think you should be. While I have my saving Grace in the shape and form of a little girl, Mike has his in the shape of a little boy and a beautiful woman. He’s not going to do anything to risk losing them.”

I smile up at Gavin and hope and pray that he knows Mike as well as I trust he does.

I’ve managed to keep busy for the past four days. Gavin and I took Mikey to the museum and to see an Imax movie. Despite the fact that Mike has a housecleaner come in twice a week, I’ve done washing and folding and ironing. I vacuum mine and Mikey’s bedrooms and dust and clean the bathrooms. I feel like an intruder going into Mike’s room with him not there so I leave his room alone.

Mikey and I have spent a bit of time out by the pool. Before he went to the UK, Mike called a company that specialises in play grounds and today they’ve started on the outside jungle gym before they move inside.

Mike had all the equipment from the proposed play room shipped to New Zealand and the boxes of unopened “stuff” as Mike called it went into the attic. Now the room is empty I can see just how big it is. And I’ve also seen the plans. Mikey is never going to want to leave that room.

In three days, the painters are will be here to paint Mikey’s room green. The wall behind his bed, which is a solid uninterrupted wall, will be a dark green, but the other three walls will remain neutral. I found three awesome space themed prints which are painted in an array of greens and they will hang on the wall above Mikey’s bed. With a green and white and light blue checked doona cover and pillow and a small green rug on the floor at the end of his bed, he is over the moon with his soon to be green bedroom.

My bedroom is staying as it is, however I did buy a blue throw and a few pillows to decorate my bed and to add a bit of colour.

I’ve been thinking about what to get Mike for Christmas. I know he won’t expect anything, but I want to give him something. It doesn’t have to be expensive, I know that, but I want to give him something that will mean something to him. Or something that I hope will mean something to him.

And don’t even get me started on what to buy Gavin. I’m at a complete loss there.

I hear a rustling sound next to my bed and my eyes spring open. I quickly sit up and clench my fist, ready to strike.

“Hey babe.”

“Mike?” I say as my body relaxes and I fall back against my pillow.

“How many other men have you had sneaking into your bed?” He pulls back the covers and climbs in next to me. He reaches for me and pulls me closer to him, forcing my body to press up against his. My head finds that soft part of his shoulder and my hand slides across his bare stomach. He grabs hold of my leg and pulls over his. Then we wriggle until we’re both comfortable.

“Have you finished writing?” I ask hopefully.

“No. I just haven’t slept much. I need to sleep.” He kisses the top of my head. “And I want to sleep with you.”

I smile into the darkness of the room. “I’ve missed you too.”

He slowly runs his hand up and down my back, over my t-shirt. “Do you always sleep in t-shirts and shorts?”

“Yes and for as long as I can remember. I get too hot if I wear too much.”

“I was thinking you’re still wearing too much.”

I laugh softly. “But if I take my t-shirt off, neither of us will get any sleep.”

Mike laughs too. “That’s very true.” He rolls onto his side, effectively causing me to roll off him. “Let’s spoon.”

We get into position, and seconds later, I feel Mike completely relax around me. His leg between mine becomes heavy as does his arm around my middle. His fingers loosen around mine but he doesn’t move his hand away. His breathing becomes rhythmic and it’s not long before I know he’s sleeping. And I know it won’t be long before I drift to sleep alongside him.

I’m sure I felt his kisses. I’m sure I heard his voice tell me he loves me. I’m sure I tried to tell him I love him. And when my eyes open in the morning, and that heavy feeling surrounding me is missing, I know I’m alone.

I roll over and sure enough, the spot where Mike had crawled into my bed is now heartbreakingly empty. His clothes are no longer beside my bed and as I realise I’ve just spent hours with him in a state of complete unconsciousness, I wonder how long it will be before I will see him again.

*****

Cherry has never been to Mike’s house, which makes me feel uneasy, so I suggest we meet for lunch at a park. That way, the kids can play and we can talk on mutual ground.

I also think it is completely wrong that Mike won’t be the one introducing his son to her, but Cherry doesn’t care. And neither does Mike. I slid a note under the door of his “creation” room after he didn’t reply to my text asking if he minded. The note slid out sometime during my evening run and I got it on my way back upstairs. Along with his reply of “I don’t care” was also “please don’t distract me”. Feeling like a reprimanded child, I figured my plan of communicating with Mike via notes was also out of the question.

Our meeting was anything but uncomfortable. When Cherry saw Mikey, she knew exactly who we were. She approached us and introduced herself to Mikey first, saying she was his aunty, which meant his daddy was her sister.

“I used to have an aunty when I lived with my mum, but I haven’t seen her in a long time,” Mike said.

And for the first time since I’d met Mikey, I wondered about his mother’s family and whether they wanted to be a part of Mikey’s life. I’d have to ask Mike about that.

Mike was then introduced to his cousins, Clarke and Chloe, who are aged 8 and 4 years old respectively. Clarke offered his hand for a ‘high five’ and Mikey happily accepted. The boys went off together into the park to play. Cherry and I sat down near to the sandpit, where Chloe played.

“He looks just like his mother,” Cherry says as she watches Mikey go down the slide. “It’s uncanny.”

“Mike thinks so too.”

“She was beautiful, on the inside and the outside. She ruined Mike by leaving him. Has he told you about her?”

“Yes, he has.”

“She didn’t only ruin him for him, she ruined him for all of us. It really hurt us to see Mike fall apart the way he did.”

“I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like.”

“I don’t know what Mike is like now, whether he’s back to his old self or not. He sounds like he is, when we’ve spoken on the phone. I really can’t wait to see him again.”

“He’s writing at the moment. He’s locked himself away in his creation room.”

“Are you worried about him being locked away all alone so soon after coming out of rehab?”

“A little bit. But Gavin says I shouldn’t worry.”

“Ahh, the all knowing Gavin. What’s he up to these days?”

“He’s sober. He’s still playing bass guitar. He has a daughter.”

“What?” Cherry’s eyes widen. She has the same eyes as Mike, or Mike has the same eyes as hers, seeing as she’s older.

“Yeah, that’s why he’s sober. Jasmine told him she wouldn’t raise a child with a dependent father, so he got clean. It’s been almost a year now. He’ll be able to meet his daughter on New Year’s Day.”

Cherry shakes her head. “It was Gavin who got Mike hooked, to ease the pain, and now...” her sentence tapers off as her bewilderment grows. “Things change, I guess.”

Cherry tells me all about her family. She met her husband, Jacob at university. They were both studying psychology, both failing miserably and decided on a whim one day to go for a drive up the coast. That drive lasted three months. They got married a year later and Cherry worked as a waitress until she got pregnant and stopped working. Jacob is a landscape gardener. He does very well for himself, apparently.

She then goes on to tell me about Carey, the youngest brother, who from the moment he was born idolised Mike. He was hurt the most when Mike spiralled downwards.

“He’s got a lot of work to do to mend that bridge,” Cherry says. “But Carey is open to starting fresh. He’s a sweet kid really.” She tells me that Carey is engaged to Bianca and they’re getting married next summer. Carey is a hotel manager and Bianca owns a Pilates studio.

“She is fit and my goodness is she strong. I find myself holding my stomach in whenever she’s around,” Cherry laughs. “She’s not particularly pretty, but when you have a six inch waist and double D sized boobs, I guess not a lot of people look at your face.” She pats my leg. “She’s really not all that bad, I’m just insanely jealous. Having children has ruined my body.”

I smile because Cherry is really quite thin, by my standards.

“Anyway, tell me all about you, Lyndsay. Tell me your story.”

I take a deep breath. I tell her what I can without telling her too much. As much as I like Cherry, she’s warm and open, I don’t feel particularly comfortable spilling all my secrets to her. So I tell her enough to give her a bit of a story. She seems happy with that.

We chat about day to day things; things that only mothers and nanny’s can talk about. I’m relieved that we’ve hit it off so well. Cherry is seven years older than me, but that age difference doesn’t seem to matter. Our conversation hasn’t lacked and we’ve laughed plenty together.

There are hugs all round as we say goodbye. Cherry promises to keep in touch between now and Christmas, which is only two weeks away now.

“Indsy,” Mike says as we pull out onto the road.

“Yes Mike.”

“I like my new family.”

I smile and look at him in the rear view mirror. “I like them too.”

*****

I haven’t seen Mike for ten days. Not since the night he slept next to me. And although I miss him every night, tonight seems ten times worse. I don’t know why, but I’m going to put it down to hormones.

I run my 10 k’s on the treadmill and as I walk down the small hallway toward to staircase, I stop outside Mike’s “creation” room. I press my ear against the door, but hear nothing. Nothing but my own laboured breathing as tears sting my eyes and I lean all my weight against the cold door. I close my eyes as the tears finally spill over and slowly slide down to the floor.

At all costs, I have avoided listening to any Blue Saturn music on my iPod. Even when I have my music selection on ‘shuffle’ as soon as I hear one of their songs start, I skip it. I thought it would be easier to get through this time without hearing his voice. But right now, I’d give anything at all to hear Mike sing.

I go to Blue Saturn’s list of songs and I select “I Feel You.” It’s the song Mike dedicated to me at their concert in Brisbane. I press play and repeat. I sit on the floor, outside Mike’s room, my knees tucked up to my chest and cry as Mike sings a song about heartbreak and lost love.

I don’t know how I must look, but going by the look on Gavin’s face, who has just appeared at the bottom of the staircase, I must look pretty pathetic.

He doesn’t say anything. He walks to me, sits down next to me and pulls my head down to his shoulder. He wraps his arm around me, keeping me warm while I listen to the song one last time.