Authors: Melissa Luznicky Garrett
October 2
7
A shiver rippled through my body and I pulled the
musty
blanket tighter around my shoulders.
“Are you cold?”
“I’m
always
cold.” The words came out sounding gruff
, but I didn’t care
. I didn’t want to talk to John, but I
had no other
choice.
I’d put off this conversation far too long.
John unzipped his coat and shrugged out of it, and then he draped it around my shoul
ders. It smelled strongly of human scents—soap and aftershave—
and I closed my eyes, reveling in residual warmth
and happier
times
.
“It’s because you’re dying,” he said, matter-of-fact.
A tear escaped and fell on the brown leather of
John’s
coat sleeve, leaving a splotch
of wetness
in its wake. I stared at it as I asked, “Then why are you so warm
,
huh
? Aren’t vampires supposed to be all
cold as death
?”
John chuckled under his breath and shook his head. If he caught the scorn in my voice, he
ignored it
. “I suppose the ones who don’t feed often are
a little
on the chilly side.”
I shuddered at the word “feed” and looked around to make sure no one
w
as listening in on our conversation. John had always felt very warm to me,
and it
didn’t escape my attention
that he probably wasn’t going hungry these days.
Something clicked in my mind. I recalled
the night
I’d been
attacked and how cold
that monster, Ian, had
felt in comparison. He’d been hungry.
“And you, uh, you
feed
regularly?”
“
As often as I need to
.
” He turned to look at me
, and his next words came fast
when he
saw
the fear and disgust
so transparent
on my face. “It’s all legit, I assure you.”
I snorted. “Legit? What
does that even
mean?”
John
breathed out through his nose, small wrinkles forming around his mouth as he
struggled
with
how to explain
. “Meaning, I don’t go around randomly attacking people and draining them
of
their blood.”
“But you do drink human blood
.
”
“Of course I do, Blake,” he said
, his
impatience
slipping through the cracks
of
his calm demeanor
. “I’m a vampire. I make no apologies for my diet, nor do I abstain from fulfilling my most basic need in order to survive. I don’t condemn humans and their need for food, do I?”
I lifted my chin a fraction of an inch higher.
“All right
.
Then where does it come from?”
John
stared out at the water, seeming
to weigh his words
before he answered
. “You have to understand
that
it is not my
desire
to harm humans. I was once one myself,
Blake
.”
“Explain.”
John brought up on
e
knee and linked his hands around it. He
turned to me
, and I averted my eyes to my lap
.
“There are two legal methods of feeding in the vampire world
.
Most of us buy blood
that’s been collected
, just like you might buy a gallon of milk from the grocery store. And then there are some who get their blood fresh from the source.”
I
wrinkled my nose
. “Like from donors?”
“
That’s exactly it
. But Donors are recruited,” John said, as though that one simple fact made it perfectly okay. “
For one thing, t
he unwilling letting-of-blood is highly illegal in the vampire world.”
“Illegal?”
“Vampire bites are venomous, as you well know
, but i
t’s slow-spreading
i
n most cases. Only the venom of the very old
will
kill a person within minutes.
So i
f a younger vampire attacks and fails to completely drain his victim, it creates somewhat of a
comp
lication.”
I swallowed hard
and finally looked at John
. “I don’t understand what you mean by ‘complication.’ If a vampire bites a human
,
the human will either die quickly of blood loss or become like me—sort of stuck in between.”
John nodded. “
Y
our situation is a bit different, Blake. You have the advantage of
already
knowing about creatures like me. The people who are not killed outright are a liability because they talk. And if they talk, they jeopardize our very existence.”
“But who would even believe a story like that
?
If I
suddenly
went
around telling people that I was attacked by a vampire, my parents would have me committed.
Everyone would think I was crazy.
”
“There are believers out there, Blake. There always have been. And it’s those people that pose the greatest threat to our very existence.
They would
hunt
us down and do their best to eliminate us altogether.
”
“But if a vampire attacks someone and doesn’t kill him right away, why not just turn him, or her,” I
added
, thinking of myself, “into a vampire? You could have turned me that night, but you didn’t.”
A high blush rose on John’s cheeks
. “It’s not like casual sex, where you do it if and when the mood strikes. Creating a new vampire is big deal. It’s a commitment
for as long as you both shall live
, and you share a
special
bond
from that day forward
.
” He took my hand in his. “Blake, I want you.
Forever.
But you need to want me, too.
It’s not something I will force on you.
”
I swallowed hard, suddenly realizing the magnitude of what John
was proposing
, what he had been proposing all along
. “
Y
ou’ve never created a vampire before?”
John shook his head.
“Never.”
“If
creating a new vampire is such a big deal
, why
offer eternal life to me
?
We
only
dated a few weeks
, John
. We
still
barely
know each other
.”
John lowered his eyes and
picked
at the fringe of the blanket, fraying it between his fingers.
“Because I’ve always
liked you, Blake
.
Always.
I’ve grown attached to you in a way I’ve never grown attached to anyone else.” He met my eyes then. “And I think you’re life is worth saving,
even
if it’s not the same life that you’re used to.”
My mouth went dry and I licked my lips.
“And who turned you?” I
whispered, stunned by his admission
. I still didn’t think being a vampire was all that great, even
when
certain death
w
a
s the alternative. “Who thought
your
life was worth saving?”
July 28
“But I don’t understand,” Zach said
for
what had to be
the millionth time.
I closed my eyes and pounded my fist against my thigh. “I’m sorry, Zach.” I sound
ed
like a broken record myself and wondered how many more times I could apologize
for breaking up with him
.
“But you still haven’t given me a reason. Did I do something wrong?”
I
had to be
, hands-down,
the most horrible human being on the planet. “I already told you
, Zach
.
You didn’t do anything wrong. I just . . . I need some space, or something, for a little while. I need to think about things.”
“Is there another guy?”
“No!”
Zach’s
stony
silence
proved
he didn’t believe me
.
But
how could I expect him to
, especially when
I was lying
?
“I love you
, Blake
.
”
H
is voice crack
ed
with emotion. “Doesn’t that mean anything?”
“I love you, too
.
” I swallowed
t
he lump in my throat. “I really do, Zach, and that will never change. But I don’t know . . . I don’t know
why
. . .
I’m
just really
confused
.”
“You’re not thinking straight
,” Zach
said
.
“
Maybe you’re
, I don’t know,
about to get
your period
. You know how weird you get right before that happens.
”
I
ignored his comment about my menstrual cycle and instead tried to come up with a plausible explanation for why I was breaking things off with
him, but it all kept coming back to John
. I’d had a crush on
him
for years, but no way
in heck
was I about to divulge that little secret to Zach. I hadn’t even told Olivia. And anyway, I loved Zach! It’s just that . . . I couldn’t
seem to
get John out of my head.
“
You’re right
,” I said
.
“
I’m not thinking straight
.
W
hich is all the more reason why I need some time
to figure things out
.
”
Zach
’s
sn
iffles carried over the phone
. “Fine, Blake. You take some time. But not too much time,” he added in a rush. “I miss you already. Call me when you’re ready to talk, okay?”
My chin quivered and I swiped the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand. “I’ll talk to you later, Zach.”
I hung up the phone and fell back on my bed
. Then I rolled over and sm
a
shed my face into
my pillow. I seriously wanted to die.
I couldn’t understand what had possessed me to break up with Zach. I wasn’t lying when I said I loved him, and yet my mind kept drifting back
to the few blissful hours John and I had spent together
.
But c
rush
or
no crush
, I
didn’t know him
.
Not like I knew Zach.
So what if there’
d been a spark between us?
So
what if his kiss had made my knees wobble? That didn’t change how I felt about Zach deep down in my gut.
But that kiss . . .
I groaned and lobbed the pillow against the opposite wall.
That darn kiss
!
I licked my lips, my entire body buzzing with the memory of it. I brought my hand to my mouth and, closing my eyes, recalled John’s face in perfect detail—the mossy green eyes, the sharp slope of his nose and high cheekbones, the perfect Cupid’s bow of his mouth. Unfortunately, the side of my hand felt and tasted nothing like John’s lips, and I let my arm flop back at my side.
“What is wrong with me?”
I
yelled
out loud.
I had yet to call Olivia, so I picked up the phone and dialed her number. “How’s Eleanor?” I said when she answered
, stalling before I got to the heart of the matter
.
“Three stitches. Not too bad. Mom’s got a migraine. She’s threatening to take away their big-kid beds and reassemble their cribs.” She laughed
and
then added, “Mom says I never got into so much trouble when I was their age
. S
he can’t handle the stress of always worrying about what they’ll do next.”
I opened a bottle of pearl-pink nail polish and be
gan touching up my toes
. “What does she expect? They’re toddlers. And there are two of them.”
“Mom says she’s definitely too old for twins. Sometimes she wonders why she ever let Dad talk her in to having more kids. I
heard her yelling at him once that the in vitro cost them their savings
and
her sanity.”
I recapped the polish and
wiggled my toes to dry them
. “Ouch. I see her point, though.
Y
our dad isn’t the one who’s stuck home taking care of them all day long. To him, children are this abstract concept that’s good in theory only. He has no clinical knowledge of how to raise kids.”
Olivia laughed. “Okay, Dr. Ehlert. I wonder what my mom would say if
she heard
that
? Maybe you should give her free therapy.”
I laughed, too. “
D
on’t ever let me get involved with a guy who compromises my mental
well-being
.”
“
Deal.
Speaking of guys,” Olivia said, “What was up with you and John Kelly this afternoon? That was weird. I’ve never seen you say more than two words to the guy.
S
hould Zach be worried?”
“Nothing is up with me and John Kelly
.
”
“Hmm.
Well, don’t go doing anything stupid like break up with Zach.”
My silence must have spoken volumes because Olivia gasped and said, “You didn’t, Blake! Please tell me you didn’t break up with him.”
“I did,” I said in a horrified whisper of admission. “I just got off the phone with him.”
“But
why
?
No. Hold that thought. I’m coming over.”
The
line went dead with a click
. I plucked a tissue
from
the
box and
blew
my nose, which
had started to run like a faucet
with my fresh tears
.
My door swung open a few minutes later and Olivia planted herself in the middle of my bed. “Lay it on me,” she said. “Tell me everything.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know, Libby.
Everything was fine between Zach and me when
I woke up this morning
. And now it’s not!
”
Olivia scowled and pointed a finger at me. “This is all John’s fault. I should never have left you alone with him at that party.
Hot
bod
plus
shrouded in mystery
equals smarmy.
”
I rolled my eyes and sniffed. “He’s not
smarmy
. He’s actually very nice. He bought me lunch at The Market.”
“Not chili and cornbread.”
I blotted the corners of my eyes with the tissue.
“Yeah.
Why does that matter?”
Olivia let out a deep, agitated breath as though I
had used up all of her
patience. “That chili and cornbread is your kryptonite, Blake. It’s your weakness! You can’t be held responsible for what happens when you’re under the influence. He took advantage of you.”
I sat back against the headboard and crossed my arms over my chest. “If you’re trying to make me laugh, it’s not going to work.”
“Oh, really?
Then why is the corner of your mouth twitching.”
I did laugh then, but it felt very wrong, like I was betraying Zach’s feelings yet again. I still hadn’t figured out what possessed me to break up with him when
there was
no logical reason
for doing so
.
There wasn’t a
reason at all! What I
had
was t
his inexplicable crush on John. And it wasn’t like
he was the first
. I’d had plenty of crushes on guys while dating Zach.
I mean, I was only human.
Seeing me squirming on the hook, Olivia went to my desk and came back with a spiral notebook and pen. “So you broke up with Zach, right?”
I nodded, wondering what she had in mind.
“And you seem pretty miserable about it.”
I nodded again.
“Okay. Let’s make a pros and cons list. Maybe this will help determine whether or not you should
stay
broken up.”
“All right,” I said, figuring it was the best idea anyone had had so far.
Olivia bit off the cap and spit it out on the duvet like a wad of chewed gum. I looked meaningfully at it and flicked it away, but Olivia just rolled her eyes and cleared her throat.
“Okay. Let’s start with the pros,” she said. “What did, or rather,
do
, you like about Zach?”
“Well, he’s nice,” I said without hesitation.
And it was true. Zach was
easily
the nicest guy I knew. Everyone at school adored him. His parents were convinced he could do no wrong. My parents thought he hung the moon.
Olivia waved her hand
. “That’s way too general, Blake. Be more specific. What about him is nice?”
I picked up Brown Bear and put him on my belly
, drawing strength from his big
vacant
eyes.
I
rubbed
the remnants of his
paper-thin
tag between my thumb and middle finger for inspiration. It was something I’d done for as long as I could remember, like how some kids suck their thumb or twist their hair.
Olivia grabbed
B
ear and chucked him over her shoulder. “Stop that and pay attention.”
“Hey!” I scooted off the bed and found
him
, paws-over-head, in the corner. I hugged him close to my chest
.
“Did that mean old
wady
hurt you?
Poor
widdle
, biddy baby.”
Olivia stuck her finger in her mouth and
made a gagging sound
. “Concentrate, Blake. Do you want my help or not?
‘
Cause
I really think you need it.
”
I put Brown Bear back in his spot of honor on the shelf and sat down on the bed again. “All right, I’m being totally serious now.
The pros.
Let’s see.” I rubbed my hands together in thought. “For one thing, John is really cute.”
Olivia stopped writing and looked up at me, her blue eyes wide. She tapped the end of the pen on the paper. “Did you hear
what you just said? We’re not talking about John. We’re talking about Zach. The boy you
claim to
love?
The boy you’ve been dating since the ninth grade?
”
“Right.
That’s what I meant to say.
Zach
is really cute. And another thing,” I added quickly to compensate, “is that Zach is smart. He’s in the top ten
-
percent of our class. I like intelligent men, and who knows what kind of grades John makes?”
Olivia looked up at me again and shook her head, her forehead wrinkling. “Blake, we’re not trying to decide which guy you should choose. We’re trying to decide if you should get back together with Zach. Is there something else going on here?”
I huffed in exasperation. “No.
Maybe.
I don’t know!”
Olivia put down the notebook and pen, and then folded her hands primly in her lap. “Did something happen between you and John today other than what I saw with my own
two
eyes? Did you two, you know . . .
make out
?”
I huffed again and stood up at once, beginning to pace the floor of my room. “He kissed me, all right?” I said, my voice rising in indignation. “I didn’t ask him to. He just did it!”