Blood of the Pure (Gaea) (53 page)

All those times he’d disappeared... up till then I’d been sure he’d spent them with her. Which was true, except not the way I’d imagined it. He’d been trying to break up with her. Their relationship had been limited to just that one night, until I interfered, forcing him to accept that stupid agreement, making him go back on his decision. Because of that, he’d gotten closer to Steph once again, something he obviously didn’t want to do. How could I’ve been so blind!

“Steph, you’re wrong about us!” I pleaded, as I’d pleaded before, and she folded her arms raising her head to face me.

“Please don’t insult me! You think I’m stupid? Sure I know about your fixation with Michael Newton! But surely you’re not arrogant enough to think you’re able to measure everyone else’s feelings through your own!” I couldn’t help feel as if I’d just been slapped. “I know what I saw and felt beside Gabriel,” she added. And if I refused to face the truth, or acknowledge it, it was because I couldn’t even imagine being apart from him. But now... now that’s not even possible anymore.“ She opened her small purse, and took out three white envelopes. “Take them. This is why I came.”

I took a step forward to accept her strange gift. I turned them in my hands, noticing they’d all been opened, and read his name on all of them where it said ‘from’, in that beautiful calligraphy. These were letters he had written to her, I realized, that strange pain piercing my chest. But besides his name and hers there was nothing else. No stamps, no dates, not even addresses.

“They were written for you.” I pointed out, trying as hard as I could to hide the bitterness in my voice, and prepared to return them to their rightful owner. The last thing I wanted was to know what he had written to her.

“That’s what I thought, when the first one came. But then, after the last one everything got much clearer. Although they’re addressed to me, he wrote them for you. All he did, he did it for you. And I just can’t find enough words to tell you how much I hate you for it.” Her words stung in my already raw chest. “But I also know that he did what he did because he was taking into account your feelings for me, and so I just can’t help feeling bad, because I know that it’s wrong of me to hate you like I do; you who always wanted what’s best for me ... I’m really sorry, Mari. In the end it’s not your fault... nor his. The fault is all mine. I was the one who decided to take him to my room. But, from then on, it wasn’t my fault either. Because no one can control or decide what to feel.”

“Oh, Steph ...” I sobbed crushing the letters in my hand, feeling the paper crumble under my fingers. “None of this is your fault. It’s mine! It’s all mine! And I just don’t know how to ask for your forgiveness...” I lamented and she frowned, annoyed again.

“Will you please get over yourself?! Who do you think you are?” she demanded angrily.

“But it’s the truth!” I insisted. “I was the one who brought him into our lives!”

“And since when are we responsible for other people’s actions? Stop being so full of yourself, thinking that you have control over other people’s lives just because they’re close to you!” She took a deep breath, as if to calm herself. “Did you know that Mark called me a few days ago?” A soft smile touched her lips making her look more like the Steph I knew. “At first I even refused to talk with him. I was feeling so desperate with Gabriel gone that I just couldn’t face him. But he kept insisting and called me home every single day. He even went to my house and refused to leave until I saw him.

“We talked a lot. What I did to him ... is unforgivable. I just left him like that, without a single word. But, even so, he says he forgives me. We went out a few times and, near him, I discovered this peaceful feeling I didn’t recall ever feeling, but that I’d strangely missed. Of course things aren’t like they used to be. Don’t know if they’ll ever be. I’m perfectly aware that I’m in no position to demand or expect anything from him and, for now, I feel rather content with the way things are. We promised to be completely honest with each other and so I told him everything, even the things I knew would hurt him. And he accepted everything.

“And then it was my turn to listen in his own voice to all the hurt I’d caused him. But do you know what he told me in the end?” I stood silent, waiting for her to go on. “He told me that Gabriel had been the one to give him courage to come look for me. That Gabriel went to him and told him to stop being a coward and start fighting for what he really wanted.” A bitter smile teared at her lips. “It’s like he delivered me into Mark’s arms.” She added spitefully. “Not that I’m complaining. Mark is really wonderful.”

“Does that mean that ...” I muttered, not knowing how to ask the question, and Steph stood up in her whole female glory, looking completely sure of herself.

“I have nothing else to do with your cousin. I don’t even intend to ever talk to him again. Please tell him that, next time you hear from him. And now I should go. It’s late and I don’t want to worry my mom. Keep those. They were written for you, anyways,” she added, looking at the letters crumpled in my hand, and went straight for the door.

“Wait, Steph!” I asked and she stopped for a moment, still keeping her back to me. “What about ... us?” I questioned, nervously. “Can’t we be ...”

“You don’t need me anymore, Mari.” She stated coldly.

“That was never the question! I never thought about being your friend because I needed you!” I countered and she took a deep breath.

“You’re not the same. I’ve changed as well. Who knows, someday maybe our paths will cross again. But for now ...” She left it hanging and I couldn’t help feeling sad. What had been broken between us couldn’t be that easily repaired. “No need to escort me out. I know the way. See you Monday,” she told me dryly and left, closing the door behind her.

I sat on my bed and cried in silence and without tears. Stephanie would never be my Steph again. My first friend in that new life Rachel and I had started together had just disappeared.

My tired gaze ended up on the envelopes I’d set down beside me and I grabbed the first one, taking out a single piece of paper. The letters printed on it were long and elegant, carefully drawn and not simply written. The date, in the right corner, was from the first day of holidays and I couldn’t help feel disappointed.

At least she’d received news from him. I, not even that... I’d told myself I couldn’t care less about what he’d written her but now curiosity took over. Yes, because whatever Steph had said, thinking those letters were meant for me, she’d been the one to receive them.

an so I let my eyes wonder over his beautiful handwriting.

London, 7
th
of April

To Stephanie.

I’m really sorry for having left without a word. I had to go back home during the holidays and, as it was all a last minute decision, there was no time for goodbyes. I hope you won’t miss me much.

Now that I’m no longer close by, please try and talk things over with Mari. She always worries more than she should and only wants what’s best for you. Remember she’s not your enemy. If anyone should be, then it’s me, since I was the reason your friendship fell apart. I never wished for things to turn out like this.

If you do see her, please tell her that I’m all right. I don’t want her to worry needlessly. One the other hand, I guess she won’t worry at all. Most likely she doesn’t even care. So maybe it’s best if you don’t tell her anything. It would most likely just disturb her peace. If you do see her and she asks for me, just tell her that my little brother talks about her every day. That should be enough.

If everything goes as planned I’ll be back next week.

Until then

Gabriel

I passed my fingers over the perfect letters and found myself smiling gently. He’d thought about me, although I’d mentally accused him of disappearing whenever it suited him. And Lea... Lea too, hadn’t forgotten me.

I put the paper back in its envelop and grabbed the next one. Like the previous one it also contained a single sheet of paper

London, 12
th
of April

To Stephanie.

I know I should be returning today but, unfortunately, that won’t be possible. Things are a little complicated, right now, and it will take some time sorting things out. Still, you mustn’t worry, please.

What about Mari? Have you talked with her. If you didn’t please do! You just have no idea of how much she worries about you, of what she’s able to put herself through, in hopes of protecting you. You know her well, probably better than I do. And I’m sure you’re aware that all the nonsense you filled your head with is totally baseless. Please don’t make her suffer. She doesn’t wish you to.

I’d like to ask you to tell her that we’re fine, next time you see her. My little brother just won’t shut up asking me to return as soon as possible. However, it’s out of my hands. In any case, I know she feels better and more at ease now that I’m gone. If she ever even remembers me it must be to thank the heavens that I still haven’t returned. And now, that I’m far away, she has even more time to spend with Michael. I’m sure that that makes her smile more often.

As soon as I know when I’ll be back I’ll let you now. Until then, please don’t wait for me. I’m sure you have other people with whom you can pleasantly spend your time with. Enjoy your holidays.

Gabriel

I lowered that piece of paper deeply annoyed at him. Why did he have to constantly put thoughts in my head that weren’t even there to begin with? He hardly knew me! How did he dare to think that those poor arguments could justify the fact that he hadn’t called even once during the whole vacations?

I took an instant to go through his words once again.

Well, I couldn’t really deny that he’d been right, that those were all logical things... things I should probably be thinking right now. After all, I’d finally managed to resume my normal life. I no longer had to fear meeting him around every corner. I could go out with Michael whenever I wanted and return home without having to fear his reaction. I didn’t have to try to wrap my brain around concepts that no other Human Being had even heard about, or hear names and words that didn’t exist anywhere else in the world... Weren’t it for that mark, reddening the soft skin on my wrist, everything would have really gone back to normal. And yet...

Smiling... or even crying, were things I wasn’t able to do on my own. I knew that somewhere inside me inhabited a new kind of pain, one that I didn’t dare face or question, for fear of what I might find out. And so I just kept everything really still, completely motionless, knowing that the softest gust of wind or even the smallest of waves could be enough to wake up that other part of me. As long as I kept still the pain could be forgotten and I could go back to being who I was before, reflecting other people’s emotions and faking them whenever needed.

I smiled bitterly and placed the letter on the bed, picking up the last envelope. I couldn’t help feeling sad. I felt like a broken doll that he’d managed to get to work, but once he was gone, slowly went back to its primary motionless state.

I unfolded the last piece of paper and it took me only one look to notice that this was the longest letter so far. The date was from the day before, as if it had been hand delivered to Steph’s door.

London, 16th of April

To Stephanie.

I don’t really know how to tell you this. I fear I may cause you pain and I truly hope this is not the case. Mari would never forgive me if you were to shed a single tears because of me. In truth, all I did, even accepting to try and make things work between us, I did it all at her request. Obviously the initial mistake was all mine, for allowing someone like you to get involved with someone like me. And, once a mistake has been committed, it’s only fair that one should pay for it. Mari’s anger at me for allowing you to get so close to me was so intense she even dared raise her voice. I wonder if you can even imagine her doing something like that. She demanded that I didn’t hurt you and all I’ve done up till now was to try and fulfill her demand. Mari may not understand me, but she knows my true nature. She knows I’ll never be able to make anyone happy. So, please, don’t cry for me. If possible, just pretend it was all an illusion, a magic trick from which you’re finally free. I know you don’t truly love me, and so do you. You’ve always been a smart, observant girl. I, on the other hand, will never be able to love you back. This is a word whose meaning is unknown to me. Even so, while living with Mari I experimented and did things I’d never even imagine I could, like writing a letter like the one I’m now sending you.

I’m not going to return. I wish I could say I’ll never return again, but, although I know this is the right thing to do, I just can’t make any promises. I left many important things behind, things that I may yet come to need. But you can tell Mari that if I ever have to return I’ll be so fast that she won’t even notice me. I’ll never interfere in her life again, as long as she keeps living in that house.

I hope that, with time, everything goes back to how it was before, since that’s Mari’s true and only wish. Maybe we’ll meet again, some day.

Gabriel

I only noticed how my hands were shaking when I tried to read his name for the third time, the elegant letters before my eyes constantly escaping me. The bitter taste that filled my mouth made me sob. I took a hand to my mouth, sealing it shut, refusing to believe that I’d be crying like a child if I only could cry when I felt like it.