Blood Life Seeker (23 page)

“You know what I mean. I can't breath through the sensations you're making me feel without hurting my arm.”

“
Ma douce
, it is difficult for us to contain them right now. You have done something to us, none other has ever before, but we will try to behave.”

Michel glanced at Gregor then and something passed between them; a shared knowledge, old memories, an understanding that only the closest of friends - no maybe lovers - could share. I shuddered and gasped, but they had untied the last of the restraints in a flash of vampire speed and Michel was already lifting me into his lap, cradling my arm.

Pain had shot down my shoulder from moving the arm forward, not just because of the break in the bone, but because it had been so long in the one position. Blood flooding back into muscle and tissue in sharp stabbing waves.

I tried not to let the tears fall down my cheeks, but I was tired and sore and hurt and overwhelmed by everything that had just happened. This was worse than my body's reaction to terrible fights in the past.

“Lower your shields,
ma douce
. This must be repaired before permanent damage sets in.”

I didn't argue, I wasn't sure if I could hold my shields together much longer. There was a fog descending, not dark, but white light, threatening to block out all vision and smother all sound and touch. As soon as my shields dropped I felt his healing touch, but also his thoughts and feelings. He was having a hard time controlling anything right now.

Ma douce, ma douce, ma precieux douce. Je t'aime plus que la vie elle
-même
. Je ferai n'importe quoi pour tous. Je t'aime. Je t'aime. Je t'aime.

I didn't understand it all, but I knew he still loved me. I let that thought wrap around me, blanket me, comfort me, as I felt myself sink deeper into the white light bliss and drifted away.

I woke up on a white leather couch, a soft white blanket over the top of me. I glanced around and recognised the large expanse of glass, the night time view of the Hauraki Gulf. I was in the lounge at Michel's house in St Helier's Bay. Michel and Gregor were talking quietly in the far corner, sitting in armchairs close together, but not touching. They were intense, talking quickly in French to each other, but they weren't threatening, weren't about to rip each other's throats out. It was more of a serious conversation, than a deadly one.

I listened to them for a while. They hadn't sensed I was awake, which was surprising, but then not. They were too wrapped up in what they were discussing. I couldn't understand a word, however, their voices too low, the words too quick. I let them all roll over me for a while then sighed.

“English. I can't keep up.”

They both turned to me and smiled, it was Michel who spoke first.

“Perhaps we do not wish for you to,
ma douce
.” He was still smiling, teasing I think.

“If you both keep this up, I'll be forced to take French lessons, you know.”

Michel stood and came over to me, settling down on the couch by my side. I could feel his warmth through the blanket. His hand reached out and stroked my hair back from my face. “I have long wanted you to learn my native tongue,
ma douce
. I would gladly teach you.”

Gregor was watching us closely, his head slightly on an angle, a look of understanding on his face. I don't think he had seen Michel and I interacting like this before. I think he wasn't so much as surprised, but maybe enlightened would be the right word.

I turned back to look at Michel. “What were you two talking about just now?”

Michel glanced at Gregor and Gregor rose to come and sit closer to me, in another armchair just off to the side.

“I have been called back to the
Iunctio
, they wish to know why I used some of their power earlier tonight.”

I had been right then. “You used some of their power to stay ahead of Michel?” I turned the statement into a question.

“Yes. It was either that or perish.” He smiled slightly at the look on my face. “I did not wish to perish.” His voice was softer as he said that last, he'd seen my surprise. A few nights ago, he may have let Michel kill him off, end it all, but not now. We were making progress then.

Michel brushed my cheek and rose. “Forgive me,
ma douce
. I must attend something briefly, I will return shortly.”

He nodded to Gregor and left. I was sure he didn't really have anything to attend that he couldn't do telepathically with his vampires, but he was giving us a moment alone. That did surprise me.

I sighed and looked at Gregor. He was just watching me, his face neutral, his eyes however, keen.

“You two kiss and make up?” I asked to ease the tension I had started to feel at his avid gaze.

He did that laugh he does; a little huff, as though he's trying to hold it in but can't. I kind of liked it, it was one of the more natural things I'd ever seen a vampire do before. It was endearing.

“Of a fashion,
ma cherie
. The wounds are still deep, but...I think we understand each other better now.”

I smiled up at him and he moved to kneel before me at the edge of the couch, taking one of my hands in both of his. He didn't try to wash me with his
Sanguis Vitam.
He didn't try to make his words engulf me with desire. He just held them and looked at me with a kind of awe on his face, an openness that was almost raw.

“I am yours, whichever way you desire me. Tell me and I will come.” His words were barely a whisper.

I wasn't sure what he was asking me, so I just shook my head.

Maybe if I stick to the obvious. “You know I love Michel, don't you?”

He nodded.

“What do you want me to say?”

“Say you will have me too.”

I shook my head. I am so
not
that kind of girl. You're barking up the wrong tree, buddy.

He smiled. “I can hear your thoughts. I am not asking for a
ménage a trois
in the modern day sense. I am happy to wait for you to decide. But I am asking that you let me stay. I cannot bear the thought of being apart from you. I must be near.”

Oh boy. I had a trillion thoughts pour through my head at what he had just suggested. I couldn't possibly contemplate being with someone else other than Michel, I loved Michel. I knew this, even though I sometimes fought it and even though he sometimes abused it. Whether it would stay that way, I wasn't one hundred percent sure, but the thought of having someone waiting in the wings for me to make that decision was wrong. Just so wrong. But then, I couldn't stand the thought of Gregor leaving for good either. I'm not sure if it was the exchange of
Sigillum
that made me feel that way, but I was sure that I was attracted to him in some way I couldn't fight.

Oh bugger. Why oh
why
, was my life so damn complicated?

“Does Michel know you are asking me this?”

He nodded. Damn.

“Does he mind?”

He hesitated briefly, then shook his head. “No, he does not.”

Double damn.

“I still don't know what to say.” I really didn't, I was at a loss for words.

He reached out and placed his hand against my chest, above my heart.

“What does your heart say,
ma cherie
?”

What did it say? It said I loved Michel, but Michel was also hurting me right now and when I looked closer, it also said I might just love Gregor too. Aw damn. Confused much?

“You'll give up your position in the
Iunctio
?”

“Yes. I have already made that decision.”

“Regardless of my answer?”

“Yes.”

“Are you so sure of my answer?”

He smiled again. “No. I am so sure of what I feel.”

I sat up on the couch then, I needed to be at his height to confront this. He still held on to my hand and I let him. It was a comfort that I hadn't realised I craved. I looked down at our hands now clasped together.

“Is what I feel because of the exchange of marks?” I asked a little uncertainly.

“Yes and no.” I sighed, I hated ambiguous answers, but he continued before I had a chance to complain. “I only mean, that the exchange works rather like a Bond. It brings you together, it wishes for you to be close, but that final step, that final commitment, is all yours and yours alone.”

Like the Bond. The Bond I had with Michel. The Bond Michel had made me think was exclusive. But it wasn't, he had lied. It pulled us together, but did not mean we were meant to share a bed. Ah, crap.

So, I now had two men in my life I couldn't cast out. Both equally attractive to me, both equally as dangerous to me. But because of who I am, I could only ever choose one to take to my bed.

Or neither
, my little internal monologue whispered. I didn't tell it to shut up.

In fact, I sat there and thought about it a bit more.
Are you sure?
I asked it.
Could you do it?
it replied. OK. So, now I was feeling a little more than just crazy. It's one thing to hear voices and occasionally yell at them in my head, it was a whole other to carry a perfectly normal conversation out with them though, wasn't it?

“What are thinking,
ma petite chasseuse
, please tell me?”

It was my turn to huff a laugh out and shake my head. “I think you'll both make me crazy.”

“Is that an agreement that we can
both
be in your life?” He looked hopeful, but still cautious.

Part of me wanted to ask Michel about this, about what he really thought, but Michel had made my life hard lately, a little too hard. So I'd make this decision on my own, for me, for the better good. For whatever reason I could think of that would make it all OK.

I nodded. I couldn't risk talking right then, but Gregor accepted my action as the consent he was seeking and he pulled me into his arms, laying a kiss on my forehead.

“
Merci, ma cherie, merci beaucoup.
”

I let him hold me tightly for a moment. His hands stroking my head and back, his face buried in my neck, inhaling me, devouring me with each breath. It wasn't erotic, just lovely. Just right.

I sensed Michel approaching, he wasn't trying to hide, he was giving me fair warning. How was it he was playing so fair?

I didn't pull back from Gregor. If he was going to be a part of my life, I wouldn't hide how I felt. I detest lies and secrets. My honesty is probably what gets me in trouble the most in my life.

Michel came into the room on silent feet and stopped just inside the door, watching us. I lifted my eyes to his and held their gaze.

He did look a little sad, but not angry, as I had expected, maybe resigned. Possibly a little shattered. But that emotion playing across his face, if it had been there at all, was gone in a flash.

“You have decided,
ma douce
.” His voice was even, but soft.

Gregor stiffened slightly and went to withdraw from my embrace. I held him tightly for a second longer, letting him know it was OK, then let him pull back and face Michel. Both men glanced at each other, but turned their attention immediately back to me.

This was a little more uncomfortable than I had even believed it would be.

I swallowed. “There has to be some rules.”

Michel glided closer and came to sit on the couch beside me, slinking down into the cushions with practised ease.

“Go on,” he said. I think Gregor was just holding his breath.

“I truly don't want to lose either of you.”

“You won't.” Michel again.

“But I am confused, very confused.” Understatement of the year.

Michel sighed quietly and sat still. Gregor hadn't moved an inch.

“You both have manipulated me into this position. Don't think I don't know this.” Michel stiffened now too. “I would have joined with you regardless Michel, but now I truly don't know if what I feel is real or the Bond.” He nodded his head slowly. I turned to Gregor. “I had no idea what I was doing when I marked you Gregor and let you mark me, but here we are. Now though, I don't know if what I feel for
you
is real or because of the exchange of
Sigillum
.” Gregor nodded slowly too. “So, this is how we're going to do this for now.” I took a deep breath in, this really didn't sound right in my mind, but it's all I could think of to say. “Give me space. I need to sort this out in my head. Please don't push me. Let me find my way.”

Maybe I could do the
neither in my bed
as my internal monologue had suggested. Yeah ri-ight.

Both men sat so still, not vampire still, they were with me, but waiting, expecting me to say more.
Sorry, to disappoint guys, but that's all I've got right now, I just don't know any more.
I didn't project that thought, I didn't shout it, so I'm quite sure they didn't
hear
it, but you never know.

“So be it.” Michel was the first to break their silence.

“So be it,” Gregor echoed.

Why is it that vampires have the habit of turning even a few small words into something more formal, more ritual in nature? Like it has so much more meaning or weight than it actually should.

I decided I
really
needed to be alone after all of that, so I got Bruno to drive me back to my apartment. Gregor was heading to the airport immediately, to fly out on the
Iunctio's
private jet to Paris. And Michel, well, I couldn't quite face Michel right now. Guilt? Probably. But it didn't change the fact that I couldn't face him right now, did it? I guess I'm just a coward sometimes, so sue me.

My apartment was the same as it had always been. Some part of me thought it should have changed too.
A bigger bed maybe?
my little internal monologue said.
Fuck you!
I replied.

I switched the coffee machine on - when in a mental or emotional quandary, have coffee, it not only clears the mind, but soothes the nerves. A universal tonic for all internal dilemmas. I was just settling in to sip my brew when there was a soft knock on the door. I glanced at the clock on the wall. Nearly two in the morning, not the usual time for a friendly visit.

I checked my pockets to make sure I was armed and went to look through the peep hole. I've got glass and a peep hole on my front door. The frosted glass just lets me see the shape and size of what's on the other side, the peep hole, who it actually is.

He looked medium build, not too bulky, but maybe he worked out, it was hard to tell, but I didn't recognise the man on the other side of the door. He was human, about my age, maybe slightly younger and a total stranger. I came down off my tippy toes and had a think.