Blinding Trust (20 page)

Chapter 27

Savanna

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t petrified. This life changing surgery was almost more than I could handle. I tried not to dwell on the negative. They were removing the cancer from my body, and for that, I had to be content.

Colt was a champ as far as being there or me, but I could tell that it was weighing heavily on him. The more he tried to hide it, the more I knew just how affected he was.

When we got into the hospital, I was taken to a preoperative room with other patients that were also having some kind of surgery. A nurse allowed Colt and my mother come in with me. She gave me a gown, cap and booties to change into. We sat there for a while waiting for my doctor to arrive. In the meantime, the nurse came in and got my IV ready.

Once the doctor arrived, he pulled down my gown and drew markings over the breast to show where his incision would be made. The marker tickled, and even though he was performing surgery, I felt weird about him drawing on my boob.

Before Colt and my mother had to leave, the doctor gave us a couple minutes alone. My mom kissed me and left Colt and me alone in the room.

I was fine until it was time to say goodbye to Colt. He was holding my hand and I refused to let it go. The more he attempted to pull away, the more I fought him. “Darlin’ you’re goin’ to be fine.”

“I’m so scared. I don’t want you to go.”

“The sooner I go, the faster they can get done. I love you with my whole heart, Savanna.” He was getting choked up and I needed to let him go. Our fingers parted and I felt alone.

I was still crying when the anesthesiologist came into the room. It was a middle aged man, who obviously knew what I was in the operating room for. My doctor came in right after him. He was filling out something on his laptop, before turning his attention to me. “How are we doing?”

“Not good!”

He patted my arm. “My friend here is going to make you more comfortable. When
you wake up, I’ll be all done.” He looked at my vitals on the monitor for a second. “Today we’re going to remove the mass in your left breast. As far as the double mastectomy goes, I think we’ll wait until next month. If you want to have reconstructive implants, we can do them at the same time.”

“So I won’t be without breasts?”

He chuckled. “Not unless you want to be. Listen, if you want to read a good story, a movie star just had this same surgery done a few months ago. Until she came forward, nobody even knew it had happened. I just want you to be sure about what you want once we do this. Our main priority is removing the malignant cells today.”

“I’m ready.” Getting new breasts would take some of the worry off of me. I didn’t want to feel different. I certainly didn’t want my children looking at me like my body was falling apart. Being treated for cancer was going to be hard enough. I was going to get sick and possibly lose my hair. If there was anything that could help, I wanted to take it.

“You’re most likely going to have drains put in. It will help the access fluid leave your body to prevent infection. In the next couple days your nurse will keep checking and making sure they are doing their job. If it goes as I plan, we may be able to remove the drain before you leave the hospital. If you’re ready, I’d like to get started.”

“Let’s do this!” I put on a fake smile and watched the
anesthesiologist come over and stick a needle into my IV. Before I could count to five, I was out.

I woke up in a recovery room
. Colt was sitting across from me, reading a magazine. When he saw that I was awake, he came rushing over to the bed. “Hey. Are you in any pain?”

My mouth was dry, so I shook my head.

He brushed the hair away from my face. I was still hooked up to an IV for pain and even though I couldn’t feel pain, I was still irritated by the tubes. “The doctor said that everything went as planned. He said you’ll be able to go home in two days.”

I smiled, thinking about being home. I couldn’t wait to see the kids. They knew I had to have surgery, but they didn’t know what for.

He grabbed my hand and kissed it, like he always did. “Your mom went home, but she said she’d be back later tonight. Ty and Miranda called several times. They said they love you. Oh and I just want to warn you, my mom called the florist. Be prepared for flowers to be delivered.”

Colt continued to talk, but I was still so drugged that I lost track of what he was talking about. I could feel my eyes closing and I couldn’t seem to fight it.

I woke up a while later and saw the nurse checking my vitals. “How are you feelin’?”

“I’m thirsty,” I whispered.

“I will get you some ice water.”

When I didn’t see Colt, I started to get upset. “He’s outside in the hallway. He got a call and didn’t want to wake you.” She finished what she was doing. “I’ll be right back with that water.”

As she walked out, Colt walked in. He stayed with me for the next two days. In fact, the only time he left was to shower and eat. By the first evening, I was sitting up and feeling like myself again. The pain medication was through a button, and even though it was there for me to use, I tried to go without it as much as I could.

The girls were too youn
g to visit, but Noah was old enough. I was so excited to see him walking in the room the next morning. My father had brought him after I’d talk to him on the phone. I could tell that he was a little scared to see me lying in the hospital bed. I reached out my hand and he walked right up to it. “Hi, sweetie.”

He put a vase full of flowers on the table beside me.
“Hi, Mom. Does it hurt?”

“Not really bad. It’s just really tight right now.
The flowers are beautiful.”

He couldn’t see where I was wrapped up since I was wearing a gown and I had a blanket over me. “
We got them on the way here. Christian and Addy were crying because they couldn’t come in. Grandma had to take them to get ice cream.”

I played with his hand. “Are you being helpful?”

“Yeah. When are you comin’ home? I don’t want to stay at their house anymore. Can’t we take care of you?”

I felt so appreciated. “I’m coming home tomorrow and Dad’s going to need your help. I’m going to be sore for a while.”

“Mom, why did they have to operate on you?” The concern in his eyes broke my heart. He just stood there waiting for me to reply.

“I had a little growth inside of my
body and the doctors cut it out, so it wouldn’t make me sick.”

“Are you goin
’ to be alright?” He was worried about me.

I squeezed his hand. “I am
, now that you came to visit.”

He finally smiled. “I cleaned my room. Dad said we need to pitch in more. Christian cleaned hers too. We’re making a chore list to do.”

Colt winked at me. I was impressed that he was already on top of things. “Thank you for doing that. I’m sure your grandparents are going to help Dad out. Plus, you know Lucy. She won’t let you go hungry.”

“Yeah.” Noah
looked around the hospital room. I knew he was uncomfortable.

I handed him the remote control. “Want to watch something with me?”

He flipped on the television. As slowly as possible, I moved over and patted the small spot beside me. “Will it hurt you?”

I knew it would hurt a little bit, but nothing was going to stop me from
cuddling with my son. Since he was on my right side, it wasn’t so bad. He put on a superhero hero movie and wrapped one arm around me. “I love you, Noah. Thanks for coming to see me. I hate it here.”

“Do they feed you?”

It hurt to laugh and as I much as I tried to hold it in, I just couldn’t. “Of course they feed me. I had cereal for breakfast and a salad for lunch. They give a menu and you pick what you want.”

“Is it good?”

“No! Its horrible. Maybe next time you can bring me a chicken sandwich.”

“When Dad brings you home tomorrow he can stop and get you one, right Dad?” Noah looked to Colt.

“If she wants me to.” He pointed towards the door. “I’m going to walk down to the cafeteria with your dad. I’ll check on you both later.”

We waved as Colt left the room with my dad. Noah was already occupied in the television, while I focused on him being so close. I’d been through something so traumatic just one day before. Noah being in my arms made me
realize just how grateful I was for my life. I wanted to live every single day for my children and my family. They needed me as much as I needed them, and together, we could get through anything.

Noah stayed until visiting hours were over. My father took him home, while Colt stayed the night. We went to bed early, in hopes of being released as soon as the sun came up. We ended up having to wait until ten the next morning. I refused to eat another hospital meal, so once we left the hospital, we stopped and got something to eat, while we waited for my prescriptions to be filled. I was given antibiotics to fight off infections, pain medication, and some kind of hormone replacement. My radiation wasn’t going to start for a couple of weeks, to give my body the full time to
recuperate.

I should have known that our Kentucky family would be at my house to welcome me home. The house smelled like a bakery and signs were hung all over the living room. My girls both ran up and hugged me around the waist. I pulled them into my body, appreciating that they missed me as much as I missed them.

My parents sat with Colt’s mom and Lucy, while I was overwhelmed with hugs from my children. Noah was gentle with me, where the girls didn’t know any better.

We spent the better part of the afternoon with the family. They left just before dinner, so that I could go upstairs and get some rest. Taking a nap had never been so eventful. All four of them walked me up to my room. Colt pulled down the covers and the kids all climbed in the bed. I got in slowly and felt Colt lifted the covers over me. He leaned down and kissed me on the lips. “Welcome home, darlin’.”

I smiled and looked around at the kids. They were all three smiling. “It’s great to be home.”

Chapter 28

Colt

It was so good to have my wife home. She was still weak, even after a couple of days. The doctor said it would take her weeks to get back to her normal self. The kids had been so happy to have her home that they all wanted to sleep with her that first night. I wouldn’t have minded if they didn’t kick and roll around all night. It was too much of a risk for one of them to accidentally rip her drain or her sutures.
Since Savanna went to bed at dinner time, It was easy to get the kids to come downstairs. For once, they didn’t complain.

The girls stayed up for another couple of hours, while Noah stayed up watching the game with me
.

“Dad, can I ask you a question?”

I looked away from the game and gave him my attention. “What’s up?”

“It’s cancer, isn’t it?”

I was so shocked that I didn’t know how to answer. We’d never mentioned that word to him. “Why would you think that?”

“Well, I didn’t know what Oncologist meant, so I looked it up. It said that it’s a cancer doctor. So, I’m askin’ you man to man. Does mom have it?”

How was I supposed to answer him. If he was old enough to go looking for answers, he was old enough to handle the truth. Savanna was going to be upset, but I couldn’t lie to my son. “That’s why she had surgery. The doctor went in and removed the cancer.”

He started to sniffle and I watched him wipe his face. “Is she goin’ to die?”

It hit me hard. I’d prayed to God every single night, begging him to save her. How was I supposed to put Noah’s mind at ease, when I feared the same fate? “No!”

He shook his head and started crying louder. “This is all my fault. I made her sad and she got sick.”

I reached over and shook him gently. “Noah, this had nothin’ to do with you. People don’t get cancer because they’re sad. You didn’t do this, son. I promise you that.”

“So it’s gone?
They took it out and she’s goin’ to be okay?”

I turned down the volume to the game to give Noah my full attention. “They removed the mass that contained the cancer, yes. Your mom will still need to rec
eive a special treatment to be sure they got everything out. She might get sick and we’re goin’ to need to make sure we do everything we can to help her out.”

He looked down at his hands. “Is she goin’ to be okay?”

“Yeah, buddy. I think she’s goin’ to be fine.”

Noah smiled. “I don’t want to lose her, Dad.”

I put my arm around Noah. “You’re not! It’s our love that’s goin’ to help her get better. As long as she knows she has us, she’ll be alright.”

“I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll help wash clothes and do the dishes. I’ll feed the horses and do all my chores.”

“I know you will.”

Noah was a good boy and I was proud that he wanted to do whatever it took to help out his mother. I never doubted the way he felt about her. “We can’t tell your sisters.”

He nodded. “I know. They won’t understand.”

After a few moments of silence, I turned back on the game like our conversation hadn’t even happened. Noah sat back against the couch and did the same. My son was more and more like me every day.

When I finally climbed into bed, Savanna was nestled in between a bunch of pillows. I’d waited days to be able to sleep in the same bed as her, so I removed the ones that were separating us and cuddled up against her. Her body was so warm and I was careful not to touch her near the bandage.

She stirred, but didn’t wake up like she normally would have. Her pain medication was strong and it was exactly what she needed to let her body recover.

Savanna was always hardheaded when she was injured or sick. She’d push herself until she made things worse. This surgery was serious and we couldn’t take the chance of making her go back into the hospital. Her safety was up to me to control, so it was necessary for me to be there for her until she was able to take care of herself.

I was trying to be everything that she needed, even without her asking.

While she slept so soundly, I laid there next to her watching. She was so beautiful to me. I didn’t care about a scar, or the way she would look with a double mastectomy. She was my everything and nothing could ever taint the way I felt about her. If anything, I loved her more for being so strong.

Savanna had been home for four days when we got the call that Amy was in labor. As excited as we were to have a new addition to our family, I knew we weren’t going to be able to go to North Carolina with the rest of the family. The drive would be too long for Savanna to handle. She needed to be able to readjust herself frequently.

She cried and pleaded with me to take her, but at the end of the day, I was in charge.

To make thing
s easier, my mother took the girls with her to visit the new baby. For the first time ever, Noah declined on his invitation to go see Bella. Ever since that day in the hospital, he’d never left her side. I think he believed that if he was with her all of the time, nothing bad could happen. It was both sweet and alarming. I worried that he really feared if he turned his back for a second, she’d be gone. I didn’t want him living his life like that.

Savanna
wasn’t exactly thrilled that I’d told him the truth about her condition. She worried that he wouldn’t understand, but from what I could see, he understood completely.

Cassandra Elizabeth Healy was born at five o’clock in the morning on a warm summer day. The whole family had gone to welcome the new baby, which they were already calling Cassie. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Conner and Amy had named three of their four children Cammie, Callie, and Cassie. How they would keep that straight was
beyond my understanding. I got my kids mixed up and none of their names even started with the same letter.

Anyway, when my mother got back in town, not only did she bring pictures, but she brought Bella as well. Noah was so happy to have his cousin come and stay with us, that I figured he would forget about helping out. Instead, he surprised me even more. Every morning, he would enlist his cousin to help out with chores. Before they disappeared to play together, he would make sure everything was taken care of.

He was a blessing and without him, I think I would have set myself crazy.

Bella was great to have around. The girls thought she was the best thing since sweet tea. They followed her around and begged her to play with them instead of Noah.

Ty and Miranda called every night to talk to their daughter. Savanna would stay on the phone with them catching up each time. She was getting bored and I knew she would be itching to go somewhere as soon as she got the okay from her doctor. We’d been going out to the grocery store and other local places, but she wanted to get to North Carolina to see her new niece. Pictures were never enough for my wife. Besides, she wanted to take her own.

On the day she got the go-ahead, we made plans to go out of town. Her radiation was set to begin that next week and it was important for her to travel when she wasn’t feeling ill. The doctor had informed us that her
treatment was more for a preventative and it would be ‘low-grade’, as opposed to the intense treatment that other people require. He informed her that she probably wouldn’t lose her hair and that she may only have flu like symptoms.

We knew that every person handles things differently, so we packed up the kids, including Bella and made the long drive to North Carolina.

Our first stop was Conner and Amy’s house. Noah unhooked his sister and before Savanna and I could get out of the truck, the kids were running into the house. Amy was sitting in the rocking chair feeding the new baby when we walked in. Savanna rushed over and hugged her and then took a peek at our newest cousin. “Oh my goodness, she’s so pretty!” Savanna was all smiles and I loved seeing her that way.

Since Amy was breastfeeding, I opted to wait until she was back to decent. I waved from afar. “Where’s Conner?”

“They’re out at the barn working on some engine.” She whispered.

“I reckon I’ll just go look for them.” I walked out of the house and noticed that my kids had already found their cousins. They were out back playing in the fort Conner and Ty had built for them. The girls were on the swings, while Josh and Noah were up high looking through a scope. Noah was showing him something.

Conner and Ty were both on the ground out in front of the barn. They were covered in dirt and grease. “What the hell are you two doin’?”

“What does it look like, you old cocksucker?” Conner stood up and brushed off his pants.

Ty stayed on the ground. This was the first time I’d seen him since we’d fought in my front yard. We’d spoken, but it wasn’t the same as being in the same space. I nodded to him and he gave me a flip look and kept at what he was doing. “How’d she do on the ride?”

I should have known that the first words out of his mouth would be about my wife. “She’s good. I think she’s stiff, but it ain’t like she’d admit it.”

Finally Ty stood up and held out his hand to shake mine. “Are we good?”

I shook his hand. “Yeah, we’re good.”

Conner stood between us and put a hand on both of our shoulders. “Now that we got that settled, let’s go have a beer.”

We walked into the old barn, where we played pool and cards with the family. Ty pulled three beers out of the refrigerator. We all popped the tops and took a drink of the cold goodness. “Is she upset about the radiation?”

“I think she’s more anxious.” I leaned against the pool table. “I can’t blame her. We all just want to put this shit behind us. It’s been so hard.”

“She told me you hate being Mr. Mom.” Ty started laughing. “Do you wear an apron while you vacuum?”

Conner chimed in. “He only wears an apron. Can you see him with a feather duster?” They both started laughing at me.

I shook my head and took another swig of beer. “I just got here! Can’t you act right for ten minutes?”

They looked at each other and answered at the same time. “No!”

I just shook my head. There was no changing them and since they spent all of their time together, they even thought alike. It was disturbing.

We spent the next hour shooting the shit and talking about the new baby. Sin
ce neither of them could be serious for more than five minutes, I felt like I was babysitting, instead of hanging out.

In some ways I was jealous that the two of them had fun all of the time. I took my life and my family serious. I didn’t have time to fool around. Somehow, they managed to make it work.

In celebration of our visit, we barbequed at Conner’s house. After stuffing our faces with fried chicken, steaks and every kind of side item that the girls could think of, we sat around a campfire out back. The kids had long sticks for roasting marshmallows. I held Addy on my lap, while Christian and Noah managed their own sticks. Every one of those kids caught their marshmallow on fire except Christian. She took her time, browning it to a perfect hue. Jax and Jake took their first ones and caught them on fire just to be able to fling them in the field. Of course, where they fell was dry and soon caught fire. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Conner hadn’t sat bales of hay on the field edge. Once it reached one of the bales, we had a huge bonfire. While the women frantically counted the kids, we managed to wet the entire surrounding area. Ty and Conner got a great idea to keep the fire going. They threw wood on it and soon we were further away from the house with flames that were higher than the house.

Ty’s mother called to check on us. She told him they could see the flames from their house. My two dingbat cousins then let the kids come over to the new fire and roast
more marshmallows. However, Jake and Jax were not allowed to have their own sticks. While pouting over it, they decided to start fighting with each other. Soon they were wrestling on the ground. Ty grabbed one of them by the back of their shirt, while Miranda ran up and grabbed the other one.

I looked over at my wife and saw her smiling back at me. If I knew one thing for sure, it was that she loved this family that we belonged to. She loved all of their crazy quirks and how we were bound by blood and friendship.

Then I looked up at the night sky and thanked the Lord again for protecting her for me. We were on the road to recovery and I planned on sticking by her until it was over. No matter how long it took, or what we had to go through, she was never going to be doing it alone.