Blind Love: English (6 page)

Every time we made love he made me feel as if it was our first time together. He was always so tender, kind and gentle with me that I wondered how I’d ever hesitated for even one day to be with him.

One morning, I woke up in my bed – naked and lying on my stomach – a smile plastered on my lips, when I felt the familiar warm fingers touching the bare skin of my back. Fingertips drew mysterious patterns over each and every inch he could touch, starting from between my shoulder blades and down my spine to the beginning of the swell of my backside where the sheets covering my lower half started.

"What are you doing?" I whispered my question, eyes still closed, still facing the opposite direction, and a smile still alive on my lips.

"Shhh!" he whispered back. "I'm playing you."

The blush made sure to make me feel it as it spread all over my face. "Like a guitar?"

"Like a piano," was his reply that made my smile widen.

His lips then made contact with the same spot he’d been touching between my shoulders. He kept kissing me over and over again, soft, tender kisses that didn't stop until he rolled me over to lie on my back, only to touch his lips to my neck and up to my ear where he whispered the last words I’d ever imagined he would someday say to me.

"I love you, Anna."

I'd never understood what the words 'My heart skipped a beat' meant until that moment. But that was exactly what happened to me. My heart did skip a beat at the sound of his words. Maybe two. The world just froze, and I couldn't hear anything beyond his breaths that tangled suddenly, could feel nothing other than his body which grew warmer than it had been just a moment before he spoke those four words.

"What?" was all I managed to say.

"I love you, Anna," he repeated. "I love you so, so much, more than anybody has ever loved anyone before. I can't even describe it."

It was my breaths’ turn to tangle and hitch. "Ethan, what are you saying?" My tone was almost confused, disbelieving and my expression shocked.

He chuckled lightly, nervously. "I'm in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, to marry you and have kids with you. I love you."

I couldn't stay in bed, between his arms, any longer. I had to push him away from me and get up, my legs touching the soft material of my satin robe that I'd dropped beside my bed last night before I got in. I picked it up off the floor and put it on, walking three steps to my desk, and sat down on the chair beside it, burying my face in my hands and taking deep, calming breaths. My insecurity was getting the best of me as Ethan's words echoed in my head over and over again, causing the doubts to fill my heart and the ache in my chest to grow stronger – until it was almost impossible to not just let go of what I was holding in, curl into a ball and cry like I never had before.

It was too much.

A minute passed, and then I felt him as he knelt in front of me. His hands touched my wrists, pulling my own hands down to free my face, then he lifted my chin up with his fingers, probably to look at my face as he asked, "What's wrong?"

"You can't be serious," I stated, so sure and confident of my words.

"Yes, I can. I am," was his fast reply.

"Ethan, you can't mean what you just said."

"I mean it, Anna. I mean it. Why is that so hard to believe? It's how I feel." I could've sworn I heard hurt in his voice, but it just couldn't be.

"Do you have any idea what this means?" I asked, though not really waiting for an answer, so I went on, "Do you have any idea what you are saying you want to go through?"

"Yes! I know what I feel! I know what I want. I want to be happy. You make me happy. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, why is that so hard to get?"

"Do you get what you're saying?" I asked in frustration. "Do you have
any idea
what little I could do? I can't simply go get married and have kids – it's not that easy.

"All I could ever do for those kids would be to give birth to them and that would be about it. I could never feed them, I wouldn't know if they liked this new food or hated it. I wouldn't be able to see their expressions to know what they need when they are too young to tell me so themselves. If they get their clothes dirty, I won't see it, they'll just keep wearing it. If they’re doing something dangerous or crawling toward a place where they shouldn't be, I wouldn't be able to stop them, I'd be too afraid to go after them and maybe step on them. You'll have to do everything yourself, because they simply can't not have both of their parents not taking care of them. Do you have any idea what you are going to go through if that happens?" By the time I was finished, tears were streaming down my face and my voice was cracking and shaking, pain wrapping my every word – because God knew how much I wanted all of that, how much I wanted all of it
with him
, but it wasn't easy, wasn't the least bit simple, not at all. And I just had to tell him. Some of it, at least.

The next thing I knew, Ethan was taking me in his arms and hugging me tight, tight, tight – something he'd always done every now and then. By now I understood he only did it when feeling down or so low that he didn’t know what else to do. Something I’d grown to love so very much, because I knew without him telling me that those hugs helped him get through whatever he was going through, as if he was taking the power he needed to move on from
me
. Me of all people. Someone who liked to pretend to be so strong because it was easier than showing how fragile she truly was.

"We'll figure it out, Beautiful Girl. We'll figure it out. I love you, that's all I know. Whatever happens to us later, we will deal with. Love will keep us strong, Anna. Please, trust me on this. I love you."

I wanted to believe him, so I did. And a few days later when he told me he loved me, the way he always made sure to tell me now every single day, numerous times, I couldn't not say it back, because I felt it, too. I loved him.

It was two months later that we were invited to have dinner with our siblings at Dominik's house. Ethan didn't want to leave the house. He wanted us to spend the night in the bedroom and make love, but I was able to convince him to go. Hardly, but I did.

"Hey, Stranger," I said to Sandra when she greeted me with a hug.

"Hey, yourself," she replied. "I missed you like fuck!"

"You missed fuck? What the hell have you been doing here since last Friday, then?" I faked shock.

"Shut up!" she chuckled and punched my shoulder playfully.

We had a good time there. I could hear the happiness in Sandra's voice. Dominik made her very happy, almost as much as Ethan made me happy – and I said
almost
because I couldn't believe that anyone was as happy as I was. It was kind of impossible, because being with Ethan was making me beyond happy.
He
was making me beyond happy.

I just had no idea that that happiness wouldn't last for long.

I was in the kitchen with Sandra while she was washing the dishes – she hated dishwashers, no idea why – and I'd listen carefully to when she placed them in front of me on the counter and would start drying them with the towel in my hand, then place them near where I’d picked them up. Sandra would put them away later.

We were talking about nothing and just enjoying each other’s company. I'd missed her so much in the last week and couldn't get enough of her talking. She told me that things were getting really serious between Dominik and herself, and they were playing around with the idea of her moving in with him but never really made the decision to actually do it. I had a strong feeling that it was because of me and the fact that she didn't want to leave me alone, so I assured her – without letting her know I could see through her and
knew
of the real reason – that I'd be fine, especially now that I had Ethan around a lot.

Her grin was blinding after that.

Or it was just me.
Huh!

When we were finished with the dishes, Sandra told me that she was going to change her shirt because hers got all wet from washing the dishes. I asked her to lead me toward where the guys were. I knew they'd gone somewhere private because Dominik wanted to discuss something with Ethan about the band, but I thought they'd had enough privacy, and it was time for interrupting and annoying them. And truth was, I'd missed Ethan in that half an hour that he spent with his brother and away from me. I was
that
crazy about him.

Sandra led me to the staircase and told me they were in the first room to the right. The door would be the first thing I’d touch, she said. She then assured me that she'd be back right away before I even made it up the stairs.

True to her first words, I found the door right beside the stairs, though I made it up there before she came back. And before I could knock, I heard something that made me pause and frown.

"Please, E,"
 Dominik sounded as if he was begging, not just requesting.
"Just think about it."

"There is no fucking thing to think about, Dom. I can't do this anymore, it's just – not working,"
 Ethan huffed, and I was able to hear the frustration in his voice.

My heart started beating faster at the tone I was hearing; I'd never heard Ethan speak that way before. It was as if there was venom seeping out of his voice with the words he was speaking; it was as if he was mad, really mad and livid – disgusted even.

What was going on? What was wrong?

"Ethan, you have to. I'm not saying you have to sleep with her again, I'm just saying that maybe you could–''

"Forget it, Dominik,"
 Ethan exclaimed, interrupting Dominik and cutting him off mid-sentence.
"I swear that almost every single time I fucked her I did it out of pity! I can't stand her anymore. Just can't! I have never hated anyone like I hate this woman, and if she can't see that, it's because she's fucking blind!"

I couldn't hear anything else after that. Not that they stopped talking or that I was no longer listening, but because the last words Ethan had spoken kept ringing in my ears over and over again. It was deafening.

… out of pity …

… she's fucking blind …

… out of pity …

… she's fucking blind …

My hands flew to my mouth in an attempt to block out or even just muffle the scream I wanted to let out, to hold it in, only because I didn't want everyone to come out and see how heartbroken I was. I only allowed my tears to fall down my cheeks, burning them in the process and hurting me even more at the realization of why they were there and who’d put them there in the first place.

My heart was burning when I took a step back, so broken and beyond mad. Ethan had been playing me all along, not like a guitar or like a piano. More like a toy. It was only the
'why'
I couldn't understand at that moment, and I didn't have the energy to find out. I just wanted away and out of that place, but even that – I couldn't have it the way I wanted it.

I tripped and fell down the stairs, the disgusting metallic taste filling my mouth when my head hit the steps over and over again and then ended up hitting the ground. Finally the relief of my world turning blank came to me as I passed out.