Blind Delusion (30 page)

Renee’s jaw quivered. She opened her mouth partially, willed herself to speak with firmness and control but vocal cords disobeyed. She sat mutely with both hands clasped in her lap and felt the warmth of Deek’s right hand resting over hers. A tear crept down her cheek but she left it there.

“Why were you at Sibley Hospital? Are you ill?” he asked. “Whatever it is, I’m here for you.”

Suddenly, she blurted out that she thought she was pregnant and leaned into his shoulder, crying. Deek instinctively hugged her. When she finally broke away and composed herself she saw the bewildered look on his face.

“Isn’t that good news?” he asked then added, cautiously, “Is the baby mine? Is that why you’re upset?”

Now, it was her turn to give him a puzzled look. Why would he think that? Hadn’t they always used protection? Then her mind flashed back to the one time they did not. In August late one evening after Renee’s last patient had left, Deek had stopped by Dr. Helen Stone’s old office where Renee had been temporarily seeing patients. He’d come by to escort her safely back to Shirley Ann’s house, the foster mother she had been staying with in order to help care for a terminally-ill toddler. But things got too heated, as they always seemed to do whenever she found herself alone with him. Dr. Eckbert had estimated the time of conception to be about two months ago. The realization that Deek could have been the baby’s father made the loss even more distressing to her. She had assumed the baby was Bill’s but in fact it could have been Deek’s. It didn’t matter either way because there would be no baby at all.

Renee stammered through her tears, “There is no baby, Deek. My doctor just told me. In medical terminology, I have an embryonic pregnancy. The embryo did not develop in my uterus. I’ll never be a mother and that’s the only thing I really ever wanted. I feel so empty without it.”

“I’m very sorry, sweetheart,” he pulled her into him, hugging her gently. Then, he leaned back in order to look directly in her eyes, “You know, there could be other reasons you feel loneliness in your life,” he hesitated, then continued, “Many women lead happy, fulfilled lives without giving birth to a child. But if that’s really what you want, have you considered adoption?”

“Bill’s vehemently against adoption. In fact, it’s clear to me now he’ll never want children at all, not his or anyone else’s. He moved out a few days ago when I told him I was pregnant. That’s why he didn’t meet me at the hospital for my appointment this morning. I guess he’ll be relieved when he finds out there’s no baby after all.”

“I don’t understand why he didn’t come with you today. It doesn’t make sense for a man not to want his own child,” said Deek, shaking his head.

“Bill never did want children. In the beginning of our marriage, I endured years of biopsies, medications, temperature record-keeping, and other invasive procedures to try to conceive. Each time a procedure failed, Bill seemed glad and kept telling me to give it up. He didn’t even attempt to comfort me afterwards.”

“Renee, I can’t discuss your husband with you,” said Deek, trying to hide his annoyance, “It’s against my principles and besides I might say something I’d regret later like what an insensitive asshole he is. It’s not fair that someone like him has a woman like you that he doesn’t appreciate.” He paused. “I’ve told you how much I love you, but for some reason you don’t believe it or maybe you just don’t feel that way about me,” said Deek.

“I do love you as much as I can. But it’s more complicated than that. Bill and I have a history together. I know what to expect. It’s … it’s complicated to just sever all those years.”

“Renee, we could begin a history together too and it could start today. A baby isn’t going to complete your life if you still don’t feel valued by the man you’re married to who’s supposed to value you more than anyone or anything else. I don’t understand why you stay with him when all I want to do is love and cherish you the way you deserve.” Deek threw up his hands, “See, I’m overstepping my bounds again and saying too much. Just please believe me when I tell you I’ll always be here for you.”

“Right.” Renee was suddenly angry. “Until someone younger and prettier like Sasha or your new FBI partner, what’s her name. Until a woman comes along in your life who can give you children. Who are we kidding Deek? This was my last chance at motherhood. I’m too old for this and I can never give you the family you’ll certainly want one day. I see how you are with children, even ones that are not your own. I just can’t allow myself to fall deeply in love with you, then later get my heart broken. It’s bad enough losing every baby I ever conceived but I know I couldn’t survive losing you.” Renee began to tear up again, then swiftly wiped her eyes. “What you think you feel for me now is not a lifetime commitment,” she said harshly.

Deek shot up from the bench and raised his voice at her for the first time. He didn’t seem to care about the strangers who turned around to look at him.

“Don’t tell me how I feel or what I want. I’m a grown man and I’ve had enough relationships with women to know what I want and what I don’t want. I’m not some kid playing games with you. My age has nothing to do with it, but you persist on penalizing me for being younger than you are.”

He sat back down on the bench and took a moment to calm down. His face grew somber but without anger. Looking away from her, he stared reflectively at nothing. He then spoke some words in French that she did not understand. Though it sounded very beautiful when he spoke, there was unmistakable pain in his voice.

“C’est bien la pire peine,

De ne savoir pourquoi,

Sans amour et sans haine,

Mon coeur a tant de peine.”

Renee turned to him, perplexed. “What?” she asked.

Deek lowered his head into his hand and spoke without looking at her. “It’s nothing. Just part of a poem a 19
th
century French poet named Verlaine wrote. I remember it because my grandmother used to recite it all the time when I was a kid.” He lifted his head and looked out, thoughtfully. “Let’s just say I can relate to it.
Il est temps pour moi de laisser aller
,” Deek whispered to himself. From the anguished expression on Deek’s face as he spoke the first language he learned as a child, Renee knew he was hurting inside. She didn’t have to understand French to know that. She wanted to ask him what the words meant, but at this point it really didn’t matter. After a moment of complete stillness, he rose from the bench and offered her his hand.

“Come, I’ll hail a cab to take you home,” he said, calmly. “If you change your mind and need someone to talk too, call me. I assume you still have my number.”

She waited on the sidewalk while he practically ran into the middle of the street to stop the next taxi that whizzed towards him. The taxi came to a screeching halt. Deek opened the rear door and Renee walked slowly as he held the door for her. After she slid into the back seat, he slammed the door shut. Deek pulled out his wallet and handed the driver a twenty-dollar bill.

“Take her home, buddy,” he said, “She’ll give you the address.”

Renee leaned out the window, “Deek, I’m sorry. I can’t explain right now …”

“Forget it, Renee. Falling in love is just like living. Sometimes it requires risks and heartache. There’s no playing it safe when it comes to love or life. Apparently, you just don’t love me enough to take that risk.” Deek tapped the hood of the cab and motioned for the driver to pull off. Then he turned and walked briskly back up Loughboro Road towards his car.

Chapter 20
 

D
eek drove down Pennsylvania Avenue towards F. B. I. headquarters with one hand casually on the steering wheel and the other positioned on the clutch. He couldn’t help thinking about Renee as he drove.
Deek shook his head as he thought aloud,
I should have taken her home myself.”
Oblivious to the traffic he felt more confused than furious. “
I don’t get it
.
What kind of man wouldn’t even show up at his wife’s first sonogram appointment?”
Deek slowed down and came to a smooth stop at the red light. Renee—pregnant! He still couldn’t wrap his mind around that declaration. And, to think the baby that Renee loss could have been his. He rested his forehead against his clenched fist while waiting for the light to change. Deek swallowed the lump in his throat that settled like a rock at the pit of his stomach. If he felt this bad about her lost pregnancy, he couldn’t imagine how horrible she must be feeling right now. When the light turned green he took off—grateful for the heavy traffic that allowed him more time to think.

He didn’t understand why Renee couldn’t bring herself to believe that he really did love her, that their age difference made no difference to him. He came in contact with beautiful women his own age all the time, but had always felt that something was missing. Perhaps, it was simply a sense of vulnerability that he felt unexplainably drawn to. Renee made him feel important and more than that, she made him feel needed. She was beautiful and gentle-spirited and her vulnerability made him want to wrap his arms around her and keep her safe forever. But she didn’t believe that feeling would be enough to sustain his love. It wasn’t that he couldn’t find that same need with a young woman his own age. It was just that so far he hadn’t found it with anyone else but her.

Deek glanced at his ‘hands free’ mobile phone and thought about pressing the button to activate the voice command that would automatically dial her up. But Renee’s parting words rang out in his ears and he hesitated to place the call. “
Deek, I’m too old for you. I won’t ever be able to give you the children you’ll certainly want one day. I just can’t allow myself to fall deeply in love with you then later get my heart broken when you leave.”
Suddenly, his anger at her overwhelmed him and he had to come to a screeching halt at the next red light. How could she allow her insecurities to come between them? He asked himself. She was dead wrong! He knew he would never leave her. Then a disturbing thought entered his head. If Renee hadn’t already been married and unavailable, would he have still pursued her?

He pulled into the building’s parking lot and found a spot to park. He turned off the ignition and sat there for a few moments thinking about this question that had drifted into his thoughts. “
Maybe you’re just kidding yourself, Deek.”
the voice inside his head replied. “
Maybe, the fact that she’s married and won’t let go is part of the attraction.”
He closed his eyes and honestly considered the possibility that he was obsessed with having this woman only because she was already married to somebody else. Then, he shook his head. No. That wasn’t it. He grabbed his jacket from the seat, got out, and pressed the automatic lock switch. Once he entered through the secure access and stepped on the second floor of the J. Edgar Hoover building, he could no longer indulge in his personal thoughts about Renee.

When Renee arrived home from the hospital, she slowly climbed the long, spiral staircase to her bedroom, clutching the banister for support. She stripped naked and searched through the blindness of her tears for her favorite cotton nightgown. She went into the bathroom and retrieved the Lexapro from her medicine cabinet and dropped one of the tablets into her hand, then gulped it down with a handful of tap water from the sink. She returned to her bedroom and slipped into bed in the middle of the day and closed her eyes, trying to induce her mind to erase Dr. Eckbert’s news that there was no baby developing in her uterus. But she couldn’t get the words out of her mind and for several minutes sleep’s sweet escape eluded her. Renee spent the next half hour tossing in bed. After a fitful hour of sleep, she awoke groggy and glanced at the clock. She realized she had just enough time to dress and mentally prepare herself for her afternoon appointments that were still on the appointment book. She had no idea how she would get through those sessions, listening to other people’s complaints that today seemed so miniscule in comparison to her own problems.

After her last patient left, she crawled back into bed with no desire for food even though she hadn’t eaten all day. The only gratifying moment in her entire day had been seeing the progress she made with her newest patient, 15 year old Heather Hollingsworth. The pregnant teenager had been referred to her just a few weeks ago, feeling confused, unloved, and withdrawn. Today, Heather told Renee during therapy that she had decided to stay in school and keep her baby. The bonding activities that Renee had suggested to Heather’s parents two weeks ago had begun to strengthen the family’s communication. Remarkably, both parents agreed to be there to support their daughter in her decision to keep and raise her child. Heather accepted the fact that her carefree life would drastically change and she would be facing adult responsibilities once her baby was born. Renee was happy that Heather received the support she needed and did not have to experience the pain she herself went through when she got pregnant at 16 and Aunt Clara took care of the problem while she slept in a drugged-induced state, completely unaware of what was happening to her body. Renee wiped her eyes and forced herself not to think about her past or her bleak future. Even though she couldn’t seem to save her own life, she was glad she could save someone else’s.

Suddenly, Renee’s cell phone on her night stand rang. She wanted to ignore it, but out of habit she picked it up and glanced at the name of the caller to see who was calling on her private number. It was her former patient, Veda Simms. Renee sat up in bed and answered it. “Hello Veda. How may I help you? Is everything going okay at your new job?” She tried to disguise her misery by sounding upbeat.

“Hi Dr. Renee. Yeah, I suppose things are okay. Other than my supervisor thinking she’s running a slave camp,” said Veda. “Dr. Renee, I wish you would come down here one day to this circus where I work at and see for yourself the type of lunatics they put in charge over here. But that’s not why I called …” Veda’s voice sounded anxious. She was never one to beat around the bush so she launched into the reason for her call. “Dr. Renee, there’s something that’s been bothering me for the past few weeks now. I finally realize unless I tell somebody, it’s gonna eat me up, knowing what I know.” Veda hesitated just long enough to catch her breath. “Dr. Renee, I think Brenda’s husband might be in some kinda trouble and I’m not sure what I should do about it, if anything.”