Blessed Tragedy (27 page)

“Stop, please.” I leaned into his hand as he cupped my cheek. I didn't want to feel the warmth of his skin against mine. No, I
wanted
to feel it more than anything. I couldn't allow myself to enjoy his touch. “Sit down and talk to me. You've been running away and avoiding me for a month and it's killing me.”

I looked down at my robe and back up to Colton. “Can I put on some clothes first?” As much as I didn't want to hear what he was going to say, I knew we both needed it.

“No need on my account,” Colton joked.

“I'll be back.”

When I came back into the room wearing a pair of flannel lounge pants and my favorite, ratty Metallica t-shirt, Colton was feverishly texting. “You're worse than a girl with that thing, you know that?”

“What can I say? It's my connection to the world. And Jon wanted to know if you nailed me in the balls when I got here.” He set the phone on the table in front of him giving me his full attention.

“I should,” I deadpanned. “Should line the three of you up and bring all of you to your knees.”

“Look, I know you're pissed--” He started.

“No, I'm not pissed, Colt. I'm hurt. For the past five years, you guys have been my life. You were the only people I could count on to have my back no matter what. And when I needed you to stick up for me, you weren't there.”

“We tried. I know you think we were all convinced you were using but that's not it.” Colton reached for my hand and I gave it to him in a moment of weakness. “Yes, there was a while where we didn't know what to think. That has nothing to do with our opinions of you as a person and everything to do with what you've been through. I could apologize to you every day and it'd never be enough. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear to you from the beginning. I'm sorry if I accused you of using again. But most of all, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you.”

My eyes drifted to the window across the room. I needed to focus anywhere other than Colton so he wouldn't see the tears pooling along my lower eyelids. I couldn't give him a window to what I was truly thinking and feeling, which was that I wanted him, wanted them, more than anything. More than anything, I wanted to believe there was a way to get back what we once had.

Would the me I thought I'd found in late spring hold onto the anger? Would she be forgiving? I had vowed, shortly after my mom died, to be more open to listening to what people had to say rather than letting my emotions run my life. After all, my emotions haven't proven to be the best compass in my life so far. They'd led me away from Garrett, away from my family and now, they were steering me clear of the dream I'd worked so hard to achieve.

“I don't know what to say,” I admitted. “Part of me just feels like what happened is something I can't get over. I don't want to get back on that bus wondering who I can really trust. I don't want to feel like everyone thinks I'm some colossal fuck up junkie. I don't think there's any way to get back to where we were before that bus pulled into the lot after summer.”

Colton's hand squeezed tighter around my fingers. “The only way to make sure we never get it back is to give up and not try. I don't think I'm the only one in the group who's willing to do whatever we have to do to prove to you how shitty we feel right now.”

He released my hand and walked around to my side of the table. Crouching beside me, he rested his hands on my thigh. “Maddie, I fucked up. Not only am I part of the reason you're leaving the band, I'm solely responsible for the fact that I haven't talked to my best friend in a month. I'm the reason I haven't had the woman I love by my side for the past thirty-four nights. I don't deserve your forgiveness after I questioned you but I'm here tonight begging for it. I miss you.”

I slid off the chair so I was kneeling on the floor next to him. There was no denying his apology was sincere just as there was no denying the feelings I'd withheld from since shortly after returning to Florida. Like it or not, I was completely, over the moon in love with Colton Bradford. And whether my head wanted me to forgive him or not, my heart hurt a little bit less having him near.

“I miss you too. So much it physically hurts,” I admitted, no longer trying to stop the tears from falling. “I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But I can't let myself love someone who isn't going to be there for me through thick and thin. I need to know that the man I love will catch me when someone tries to knock me down. I don't know if I can convince myself that you can be that man after this.”

His normally baby blue eyes were dark with emotion and glistening with unshed tears. This was the moment of truth for us and he knew it as well as I did. Seeing his pain reflected back to me wiped away any bit of relief I'd been feeling since we started talking.

Colton leaned into me, wrapping his arms around my neck. “I want to be that man for you. I've done a shit job of showing you that but I swear, if given the chance, I will do everything I can to make sure you never have to doubt me again. You're it for me. The first day you walked into my life, I knew there was something special about you. The past year has been the best of my life because you let me in when you made it clear you didn't open up to anyone. Four of the past five months were amazing, being able to tell you I love you and being able to make love to you.” He turned to wipe a tear from his face against his shoulder. “But baby, I meant it when I said the past month has killed me. I will do whatever it takes to
never
feel that way again. To never have to live with myself knowing I let you down.”

When Colton lifted my chin so our eyes met once again, I didn't fight him. When he leaned in to brush his lips against mine, I met him halfway. When he lightly bit my lower lip, I opened up to him, inviting him into my mouth.

“We good?” He asked, his breathing fast and shallow.

Pressing my lips to his, I shook my head. “Not by a long shot. I can't guarantee we'll ever be fine, but the new me says I need to at least think about forgiving you so I will. Think about it, that is.”

I stood and reached down to help him off the ground. “Now, before we do something stupid, you need to go.” I ushered him towards the door. I slid my arms around his waist from behind, walking through the room with my chest pressed against his back. Probably not the smartest move as my nose was filled with the scent of leather, cigarettes and a citrusy cologne; the combination creating a scent I had long associated with comfort, love and, more recently, raw, unadulterated passion.

“So, can I call Jon and tell him you're not leaving the band?” He asked, turning in my arms at the door.

“Call him. Tell him that you guys are coming up here tomorrow afternoon. Court's scheduled for ten, but I doubt that will take more than a few minutes after all of today's fun. We all need to sit down and have a long fucking talk before I just jump right back. Like I said, you guys cut me pretty deep. I love you and I'm not sure I'm forgiving you just yet, so think about how hard it's going to be for me to forgive them.”

The smile that broke out on Colton's face was so wide it threatened to split his head in two. “You love me?”

I rolled my eyes. “God only knows why, but yeah, I do. Now, get out of here before I change my mind.”

Colton crushed my body against his, his kiss urgent and hard. “You won't regret this, baby. I love you so much.”

“Like I said, still not sure I'm forgiving you. There's a lot for me to think about, so you need to go so I can think. I'll see you tomorrow. Ten if you're coming to the courthouse, otherwise be here with the guys at one.”

“I'll be there for you in the morning; they can meet us here later.” Colton rested his forehead against mine. “Never again will I
not
be there for you. Love you.”

I pushed him out the door knowing this could go on all night otherwise. “Goodnight, Colt. Love you too.”

The next morning, Mark and Dale didn't press me for information about my late night visitor. I knew Mark was the one who told Colton where to find me since no one else knew we were staying at the hotel. I think they avoided the topic on the off chance I was pissed at them, not wanting to add any more stress to the day ahead.

Lucky for them, it was the first time since our summer tour ended that I woke up in the morning optimistic it was going to be a good day. I'd cleared the air with Colton on a personal level, I was confident the charges against me were going to be a thing of the past within hours, with any luck Tanya would be arrested on a variety of charges by the end of the day, and chances were good I wouldn't be leaving the band after all.

“So, after court's done, you guys mind going to the Rose Gardens or something? I need the room for a while.” Immediately after opening my mouth, I realized how bad that sounded. “I mean, the guys are coming here for a band meeting. I needed to have them on my turf, and since I turned in the keys to my apartment yesterday, this is home for now.”

The two men exchanged curious glances before looking at me. “Not going down without a fight, Moo?” Mark asked.

“Not sure yet. But I'm going to hear them out.” I replied.

“Good.” Dale chimed in giving me a quick hug. “Now, let's go put this lynch pin behind us. Wish there was a way we could go back in time for you so everything didn't fall apart. But I'm glad to see you trying to get it back on track.”

“Aww, thanks not my big brother. I might have to adopt you yet. Maybe trade Matt for you.” As we walked out of the hotel, I threw up a silent prayer that Mark would find the strength to come out to our family at some point. Dale's not the type of man who should be my brother's dirty little secret; he would be a great addition to our family.

True to his word, Colton was leaning against the side of the courthouse when we arrived at nine thirty. He looked so much different than I was used to that I had to look twice to make sure it was really him. I was getting used to the fact that that he'd cut off over twelve inches of hair so his blond hair barely brushed against his shoulder, so that wasn't a shock. The maroon button down shirt, pleated black dress pants and tie, combined with a low, slicked back ponytail made him look more like a businessman than the hard rocker I'd fallen in love with.

“Mornin' sunshine,” he called out as we walked up the granite stairs. He reached out a hand to escort me into the building and I accepted it. The knowing looks between Mark and Dale did not go unnoticed.

My case was not dropped that day but the prosecutor did ask for a continuation in light of new information they'd received. Less than twenty minutes after stepping foot inside the stuffy courtroom, the four of us were walking out, knowing that this debacle would come to an end in my favor at some point. Mark and Dale excused themselves and turned left as Colton and I turned right to head back to the hotel.

Chapter Twenty-Three

I didn't look at Colton as we sat across the table from one another sipping our coffee. I couldn't. If I did, he'd want to know what I was thinking in regards to the band and I didn't have answers for him. If I took the advice everyone had been shoving down my throat for the past month, the wise choice would be to take some time off and figure out my own life. If I followed my heart, I would be in the studio immediately making up for lost time but I knew that was primarily because being in Blessed Tragedy was my comfort zone. Fortunately, Colton didn't pressure me to open up to him and we sat in a slightly uncomfortable silence until our mugs were empty.

“Time to get this over with,” Colton said. I fell in step behind him for the short walk to my hotel. “So, you going to keep me waiting too?” He asked, his arm casually draped around my shoulder in what could only be described as a completely platonic gesture.

“Only as much as I keep myself waiting,” I said keeping my eyes straight ahead.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning I have no clue yet what I'm going to do. I know what I should do. I know what I want to do. But we need to sit and talk before I decide which way to go.”

Colton texted the rest of the guys while I changed into something more comfortable than the turquoise shift dress and pumps I'd worn to court. Feeling more like myself in a pair of shredded skinny jeans and tank top, I relaxed on the couch in the sitting area until it was time for our meeting. Colton pulled me close to him and I drifted to sleep nestled in the crook of his arm. I still wasn't sure what I wanted from us but there was no denying it felt amazing to be so close to him again.

Thirty-five nights of restless sleep takes its toll on the body. Finally seeing an end to the madness that had become my life, I didn't just doze on Colton's shoulder, I crashed. Hard. When I woke up, Colt was no longer next to me but I could hear him talking in the other room.

“I'm not sure man, she's still pretty hot,” he said, I could only assume to Jon. “We'll talk when you get here, but she made it clear to me last night that all isn't just going to be forgiven...no, not just with the band...I'm trying...okay, see you soon.” His phone hit the hardwood dining table and he let out a frustrated groan.

“They're late,” I said looking at the display on my own phone.

“Yeah, Jon had a visit this morning about Tanya. I figured you'd understand.”

“Are they on their way? I'm not sure when Mark and Dale are coming back and I really don't need them butting in.” It irritated me that something so crucial to the future was delayed, even if it was for a good reason. No, make that a great reason since Jon's meeting was likely one step closer to me clearing my name.

“Yeah, they'll be here soon. I'm going to get something to eat, you hungry?” Colton picked up the phone and ordered two burgers and beers without waiting for a response. “You're too damn skinny. Need to start eating again.” It was true. My already slender frame was nearly ten pounds lighter thanks to the stress. Ten pounds I really couldn't afford to lose. Knowing my luck, if any of the paps saw me while I was in town, they'd use it as further evidence that I was using again.