Bleeding Heart (17 page)

Leaning my head back against the chair, I closed my eyes and soaked up the Greek sun. It was warm and after the cold vibes I’d been feeling from Calix in the shower, the warmth was welcome. It was needed.

A sound demanded my attention and my eyes opened to find Calix standing against the railing. He was watching me. Intently.

“Calix,” I breathed, instantly feeling every inch of my body growing alert with uncertainty and eagerness. I hated being without him - no matter the cruel man that he was, I loved him and I wanted him with me. But I also was uncertain of him - uncertain of his intentions and his temper.

“Love,” Calix moved slowly across the deck to lower himself onto the corner of the chair. He placed his hand on my belly and I tensed. “I’m sorry for the way I treated you.”

This was big. This was freaking huge! Calix McKnight was apologizing? Wow!

Somehow, I schooled the shock right out of my tone. “Don’t ever tell me I have to fuck you, Calix. Yes, I am your wife, but every time I give my body to you, it will be because I
want
to give my body to you.”

He was silent for a long moment before his eyes met mine and he spoke. “You love every soldier in this war?”

Oh shit. I’d completely forgotten I’d said that. But it was the truth. I did love every soldier in this war I stood center field in. Every soldier - including Calix.

With Calix’s blue eyes on my face now, watching me consider his question and my reply, I knew this moment was a special one. It was a moment of significance. This was a moment to turn the tables - a moment to change the course of our future. I had to reply carefully and honestly. I had to consider every angle of allowing Calix, a man of power and revenge, to hold the knowledge that he held my heart.

Meeting his eyes once again, I saw a hope in them that shattered all my carefully assembled defenses. I saw a beauty in a rare vulnerability that flashed in the features of his face. This was a side of Calix he hadn’t allowed me to see before. This was a side of Calix I had a feeling he hid from even himself. This was a side of Calix I wanted to culture and adore.

“Yes.” I whispered and then more firmly, I added. “I love every soldier in this war, Calix.”

He hissed in a sharp breath and his eyes fluttered closed, as though he were filing away this memory into a safe place in his mind no one could ever violate.

I wasn’t finished, though. Shifting onto my knees, I climbed into his lap, straddling his hips as I caught his face in my hands. “I love you, Calix McKnight.”

And then I saw something that both broke my heart and built it strong. Calix McKnight had tears shimmering in his warm blue eyes.

Leaning down, I pressed my lips to his. My kisses were soft and sweet, because I felt certain it was what he needed. And I wanted to be everything he needed.

When I pulled back to gaze down into his face, I found he was watching me with slight confusion and I felt my heart give a little dance of uncertainty in my chest.

“How?” As he spoke, he circled his arms around my waist as though he were afraid I might leave him.

I frowned. “How what?”

“How can you love me?”

“I,”

“I’ve taken so much from you.” He said on a short breath. “I’ve hurt you. I’ve lied to you. I’ve broken promises and vowed to hurt those you love.” Again he shook his head as though lost and I held his face tighter, pressing my forehead to his. “How can you love someone like me?”

“I just do.” I whispered. “The heart has no choice in who it loves, Calix. That isn’t how love works.”

“Nova,”

“Calix, I love you.” I pressed my lips to his forehead. “Demons and all, I love you.”

His arms tightened around my waist again and it wasn’t long until I found myself pressed tight against his chest. My hands were in his hair, and I was holding his head tight to my throat as he breathed me in as though trying to memorize my scent. As though he thought me might lose it. This thought sent a small flutter of panic through my body that was quickly snuffed when Calix spoke against my throat.

“I called my doctor.” I tensed in his arms, but he continued. “I’m flying her here. She will be here tomorrow and you will be on birth control.”

“Oh,” I had no idea what to say to this. He was flying his doctor to Greece so that I could get on birth control?

Again, the man had too much money.

“I can’t not be inside you, love.” He sounded agonized when he spoke these words, and for the first time, I found myself wondering, was he actually addicted to me as he’d claimed to be? Could he truly not handle there being something between us? Was a condom so bad?

“Calix, we can use a condom until we get back,”

He cut me off. “We can’t. I don’t want any barriers between us, love. Not time, not distance, and certainly not rubber. I need to be with you - completely.”

“Calix,”

“Nova, I’ve searched for home since I lost my parents. I’ve searched the fucking world - and it wasn’t until I first saw you that I found hope. When I took you, I found happiness. But it wasn’t until I was inside you, with no barriers between us, that I found home. I’ve been searching for years, love.”

I couldn’t breathe.

Calix continued. “I was seven when it happened. When your - when they died, I was only seven. I’m twenty-eight years old, love. I’ve been searching for home for twenty-one years and it wasn’t until I found you that I knew I had a hope of finding home. I’m begging you - don’t take it away from me. Don’t give me only half.”

I didn’t realize I was crying until his thumbs were wiping away my tears. Pressing my lips against his, I murmured. “Okay. I’ll get on birth control tomorrow.”

He nodded, hugging me tight. “Thank you, love.”

It was in that moment I found myself wondering if there was anything at all I would refuse him. He was such a strong man with so many hidden weaknesses - and I longed - no, I ached to heal his every scar. If I could give myself to him and help him to find home, who was I to refuse him? Because as much as this man had taken from me, I’d also found home in him. I knew, no matter what happened or where my life took me from this moment on, that I would never be home away from Calix.

Whispering against his throat, I asked. “What are we going to do today?”

“I thought we would take a trip to the Acropolis where the Parthenon Temple stands.”

I scrunched my nose. “It’s too late in the day for the Parthenon Temple. It’ll be too crowded.”

He chuckled. “Alright, how about the Temple of Hephaestus? You said you wanted to see that one too, didn’t you?”

“Yes!” I wiggled in his lap and his blue eyes ignited at my excitement.

“Come love,” he stood with me still on his lap, gently placing my feet on the floor. “Let’s tour Athens.”

Chapter 16

I joined Calix at the small round table outside our bedroom on the deck for breakfast. While I’d showered and dressed, Calix had ordered our breakfast. I decided against my regular breakfast of blueberries and milk with a light sprinkling of brown sugar for a stack of buttermilk pancakes and sweet syrup. After our long day of touring Athens, sightseeing, and shopping, I was exhausted and famished. I’d slept through the night like a baby, curing my exhaustion. I had high hopes that the stack of buttermilk pancakes would cure me of my hunger just as efficiently as the sleep had cured my fatigue.

I dressed in another dress today. This one was also made of chiffon, which was an ideal material in the hot weather as it was light and airy. It was a white dress patterned with soft burgundy roses and green leaves. It was delicately adorable and I had a feeling Calix would enjoy seeing me in it. We hadn’t make love since yesterday morning and I missed him being inside me. Never would I have suspected that after having him once, I would ache for him again. And I knew that if I had him again, I would ache for him again, and again, and again. I’d decided that it was a never-ending cycle. As long as I lived, I would long for more of Calix.

Lowering myself into the chair at the table, I felt Calix’s eyes on me and my own flickered up to meet his. My breath caught. This happened every once in a while - I would catch sight of Calix and my breath would snag in my throat. It was always a painful kind of burning. I hadn’t put my finger on what it was that made my breath catch until now. Now, I knew. That look in his eyes - the one with the smoldering heat, intense infatuation, and studious hunger - that was the equivalent of his love for me. I knew it now. Calix loved me. I was certain.

It was a different kind of love than the love I felt inside for him. My love was quiet, humble, and careful. Calix felt love on a whole other spectrum - so far away from the love I felt for him - it existed on a whole new solar system. But it wasn’t any less beautiful than the love I held in my heart and soul for him. Actually, it could be arguable that his love was much more beautiful. The man was calculated, but there was nothing calculated about the look in his brilliant eyes now. Calix’s love was passion in its finest expression. It was irrational and consuming in its action. It was equally possessive and protective. Calix’s love was indefinable. It was childish. It was beautiful. Perfect.

“Hi.” I breathed. And then I smirked at myself. Of all the wonder that had just moved through my mind, the word I’d come up with was ‘hi’. Interesting.

Calix cocked his head. “Is there a reason for your smile, love?”

I nodded sheepishly. “Maybe.”

“Let’s hear it.”

I shook my head. “Nope.” I popped a piece of expertly prepared pancake into my mouth and chewed slowly as Calix raised a brow.

“Keeping things from me now?”

“Sure.”

“Nova.” My name on his lips was both a warning and a plea. It only made me smile wider.

“Nope.”

Calix sighed. “If you weren’t eating, I’d toss you overboard.”

My eyes snapped up to his. “You’re joking.”

“Not in the slightest.” He informed matter of fact and at the lack of play in his telltale eyes, I felt my belly clench.

“You’re really not joking?” I glanced out to the blue abyss and then to the city of Athens glimmering in the background. If I had to swim so far, well, I’d never make it.

“Nope.” Calix mimicked my tone to perfection and my grin turned to a deep scowl.

“You’d really toss me overboard?”

“Yes.” He nodded, sipping his coffee. “I would of course jump in after you, but have no doubt, Nova,” he paused to grin at me. “I will toss you overboard before the month is up if you continue keeping things from me.”

I grunted before quickly popping another piece of pancake into my mouth - just in case he decided my empty mouth was indication to throw me overboard. It wasn’t. I didn’t want to be thrown overboard even if he planned on following close behind. No thank you. I still had issues with water I couldn’t see the bottom in. I was fine with the ocean - when I was close to shore. Out here, hell, the devil could be swimming from the depths to snatch me and I would have no clue.

I decided to be honest with him now, before he attempted to throw me into the bottomless blue.

“You know I’m scared of water when I can’t see the bottom, right?” My voice was low. I didn’t like admitting fear - and I especially didn’t like to admit it to Calix. Not because I feared he’d feed on it, but because he was so admirably strong and I wanted to be strong for him.

“Yes.” He admitted. “I recall you telling me this when we were at home taking a midnight swim in the lake.”

“And you would still throw me into this water?”

He didn’t even hesitate in his answer. “Yes.”

“Why?” I gasped. “You know I don’t like it.”

“I also know how you react to me when you’re afraid.” His eyes met mine. “If you always react so hotly to me when you’re afraid, as you did on the dock at home, then I’ll always push you to that point.”

His explanation was so simple and yet my mind felt jumbled. “But,”

“Nova,” Calix leaned back in his chair. “You know I will never place you in harms way.”

“Calix,”

“You know I am a selfish man, yes?”

“I do.” I whispered. “Know that.”

“Then you know when I say I’d give my life before I allowed a hair on your head to be harmed - that you are my one weakness, yes?” My breath caught but he continued when I remained silent. “You know I’m selfish. Everything I do, I do for my own gain, love. And yet, I would do anything - give anything for you.”

For a moment, there was silence. Then his phone rang in his pocket and I jumped at the shrill interruption into the gentle sound of the waves lapping against the side of the yacht.

Calix ignored the ring for a moment as he spoke. “This will be the doctor. Would you prefer to meet her here in private or in the common area?”

“Here.” I replied quietly, as though there was any other answer. I’d never be comfortable getting my birth control in the common area.

Calix placed his phone to his ear. Distantly, I registered that there was a conversation and then he’d placed his phone back into the pocket of his cream colored shorts.

Before I had a chance to speak, the door to our bedroom was opened and three women walked through. Two came to clear our table while the other, the doctor, obvious by both her age and state of dress, moved toward us. She flashed a stiff smile at Calix, filled to the brim with tension, before placing her eyes on me.

She held out her hand. It trembled slightly and I had a mind to wonder if maybe she was uncomfortable on boats. “Hello, Nova. My name is Dr. Kendrickson. Mr. McKnight tells me you wish to be on birth control.”

“It’s lovely to meet you.” I returned politely, trying to ease her tension. “And yes, I would like to be on birth control.” I felt my face heat as I struggled to continue. “I’m just not quite ready for a baby. I’m only twenty-one and I don’t feel that the circumstance is quite right to bring a child into our lives at the moment.”

“Hmm,” Dr. Kendrickson glared pointed eyes toward Calix. “Are you certain of this, Mr. McKnight?”

Calix didn’t even shift in his seat as he stared, without blinking, at Dr. Kendrickson. “I think you can agree that I am paying you exceedingly well for your services today, Doctor. If you have an issue with giving the shot to Nova, then I’ll simply find another doctor who is willing.” At my open mouthed stare, Calix added. “Whether we have a child or not is none of your concern, Dr. Kendrickson. I suggest you give
Mrs. McKnight
the Depo-Provera before I change my mind, withdraw my payment, and send you flying back to Canada coach.”