Black (Clashing Colors Book 1) (7 page)

CHAPTER 6

Dinner and Bath

Cia

Dinner with the circus freaks.

Really, that’s how it felt.

I was the only one in a baby jumper but five others were clearly patients or clients… or inmates, whatever the right term was in this horrible place. 

Bruce banged his glass and silenced the group.

“I would like to welcome baby Cia and her daddy Gabriel to our group,” Bruce said. “I trust that you’ll all welcome them and introduce yourselves over the next few days.”

A total of fourteen people were around the table and most of them smiled.

“Now let us eat,” Bruce said and picked up a napkin from his plate.

Platters with food were spread around the table and I reached for a bowl of salad but it was quickly snatched out of my hands by Therese. “Babies don’t eat salad,” she said with a tsk-tsk sound. “This is for you, dear.” She reached for a small bowl of porridge and handed it to Gabriel with a baby spoon.

“For your baby girl,” she said and gave him a bright smile.

Gabriel was busy putting food on his own plate but stopped to take the bowl and sat it down in front of me.

“Here you go,” he said when Bruce cleared his voice and discreetly pointed to a mother feeding her son a meatball.

Gabriel got the message and offered me a spoonful of the porridge.

I turned my head away.

“Sometimes it helps using endearments,” Therese suggested.

Gabriel cleared his voice. “Here you go, sweetheart,” he said and gave me a strained smile.

I crossed my arms, two seconds away from telling them all to go fuck themselves.

And then Gabriel did the most ridiculous thing ever… he started playing the airplane game, pretending that the spoon was flying through the air and towards my mouth. And the worst part was that by making a complete fool of himself, the big guy actually managed to make me crack a small smile. The whole scenario was too comical and absurd not to. When I rewarded his effort by opening my mouth and taking a small spoonful of the porridge, Gabriel broke into a grin. 

“Good girl,” he said but quickly closed his mouth when I shot him a don’t-push-me glance.

“While we eat I want to take the opportunity to congratulate Martin, who will be going home tomorrow and who has done an excellent job these past weeks,” Bruce said.

A man around forty nodded his head to Bruce. “Thank you, it’s been an amazing journey of self-discovery,” he said. “I can’t thank you enough.”

Bruce raised his wine glass. “Let’s drink to Martin and his future,” he said, and everyone raised their glasses too. Except me, of course; I had to let Gabriel offer me a sip of water like I was handicapped.

When we got to dessert, everyone had chocolate cake but me. Therese brought in a ripe banana for Gabriel to feed me. I looked enviously at his chocolate cake but ate half of the banana. 

When dinner was done everyone made their way into the large room where board games, toys, and books were scattered. I looked over to see a pool table and a foosball table when Bruce approached us and spoke to Gabriel.

“It’s seven-thirty, and I think now would be a good time for you to give Cia a bath and put her to bed.” 

Gabriel had carried me in here and not yet put me down, so he just nodded and walked out the door, towards the cabin.

I didn’t fight him this time and helped a bit by placing my arms around his neck. “Am I too heavy,” I asked?

“Hardly,” he scoffed. “I’ve had to carry backpacks heavier than you for twenty mile hikes.

“Still…” I said.

“Don’t worry about it, you’re light as a bee.” He started laughing. “Get it? You’re dressed like a bee and light as a bee.”

“Ha ha,” I said sarcastically and made a grimace.

When we got into the cabin it quickly became awkward. We both knew what was about to happen and he put me down on the bed and went to run a bath.

I bit my lip and counted to a hundred, trying to calm myself down. I don’t remember my mother giving me a bath, but I suppose she must have.

When Gabriel came back he looked crimson red in his face and he obviously found this as difficult as me.

“This is really weird,” he said.

“You think?”

He was tripping from foot to foot assessing me before he clapped his hands and exclaimed. “Right, I’m just going to do it.”

“You sound like a Nike commercial,” I replied dryly but otherwise kept still while he got me out of the bee costume and the diaper. I tried to think of a thousand things to distract me from the situation but I still registered him picking me up when I was naked and carrying me the seven steps to the bathroom, where he gently put me down in the bathtub.

At least the water was nice and warm.

Gabriel was a bit out of breath and I wondered if his heart was racing like mine. He spun around in the bathroom and finally grabbed a bottle of shampoo and kneeled down next to me.

“I have to wash your hair.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’ve never washed another person’s hair and I have no clue how to wash your long hair.”

“You don’t need to wash it; Therese already did that,” I told him, referring to the hours of treatment my poor hair had gone through to get the black color out of it.

“Okay, then at least let me make it wet.”

Placing a hand under my neck, he signaled for me to lower myself down in the tub and then he used his big hands to scoop up water and make my hair wet. Once that was done, he found a washcloth and started gently washing my body.

Seeing how nervous he was made me feel almost sorry for him. He didn’t say a word but kept his eyes on the cloth and gently washed my hands, shoulders, arms, neck, and face. He even washed behind my ears and then he moved down to wash my feet and legs.

“I know you don’t like being naked, but imagine you’re a baby. Then you wouldn’t be the least bit shy. You wouldn’t even be aware that certain parts of your body were private,” he said.

“But I’m not a baby.”

“I know, but try to pretend that you are… or pretend that you’re German.”

“German – why would that help?”

“Someone told me Germans are pretty much nudists as a people; men and women go naked to the spa and don’t think anything of it.”

“I think that’s a gross generalization,” I told him. “I’m sure there are shy Germans.”

“Okay… but then try to think of how absurd it really is to be shy about certain parts of your body and not others. I mean, we’re only shy because someone told us those areas are private, but what if instead of telling us breasts and genitals are private they had told us our noses were the most private part of our body.”

I frowned, but he just smiled and carried on. “Then right now you would be covering your nose and feeling super shy about showing it to me, but at the same time not caring a rat’s ass about me seeing the rest of your body.”

I didn’t laugh, because nothing about being this exposed was funny, but I did have a mental image of people walking around wearing fashionable pieces of textile to cover their noses, and at least that thought kept me a bit distracted, as he kept washing me.

“Do you like it, sweetie?” Gabriel asked softly.

He was washing my shins gently and moved up to my knees. I instantly pressed my thighs together to make sure he didn’t go higher.

He got the hint and moved his hand with the washcloth to my belly instead but stayed in safe distance from my chest.

“I think I’m clean now,” I said a bit harder than I intended.

Gabriel actually took all this craziness seriously, and I guess he should have a medal for his patience with me.

  After letting out the water, he dried me off without ever really touching me anywhere inappropriately. Ten minutes later I was back in the baby costume with a baby bottle full of water.

“I think I better brush your hair,” Gabriel said and sat down behind me. His hands were clumsy and maybe that’s why he overcompensated by being extremely careful when brushing my hair.

“It’s not a wig… my hair won’t fall off if you brush a bit harder,” I bitched.

“I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“That’s nice, but at this pace it will take you an hour to comb my hair.”

He sped up and brushed it harder. As soon as he was done I lay down and pulled the cover over me.

“Bruce asked me to sing you a lullaby but I can’t sing and I don’t know any lullabies,” he said with obvious frustration.

“That’s fine with me.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want him to keep you a baby for another day just because I failed to sing to you. I think I might know a few of the words to a song my mother used to sing.”

“Okay, or just hum something,” I suggested and tried not to bat his hands away when he tucked me in and brushed my hair behind my ears.

“Hush little baby, don’t you cry, daddy’s gonna buy you a diamond ring, and if that ring something something, then he’ll buy you something else,” Gabriel sang in a voice much softer than his normal deep voice.

Somewhere inside of me laughter bubbled. Even I knew that he was screwing up the song lyrics, and it was funny to see him so out of his element.

I closed my eyes to avoid offending him with my laughter and felt him caress my hair while he kept humming and singing.

“And if that mockingbird won’t sing, daddy’s going to buy you a bull and if that bull won’t pull a cart da da da, you’re still going to be the sweetest baby in town.”

He was off-key, singing the wrong lyrics, and messing up the simple melody, but he was here. For the first time in years I wasn’t alone.

I lay completely still, feeling the heat from his body and his big calloused hands that clumsily caressed my hair. And all the while, I kept my eyes firmly shut and close to the pillow. If I hadn’t, he might have seen my tears.

CHAPTER 7

Toddler

Gabriel

That night I woke up several times because of sounds coming from Cia. Her nightmares made her whine, and I wasn’t sure whether to wake her up or let her dream through it.

I blame her nightmares for the fact that we woke up completely entangled with my body enclosing hers. I must have been trying to calm her in my sleep, and I explained that to her when she shoved me off her.

Breakfast was much like dinner. I had to feed her some oatmeal, and I almost considered smuggling out one of the large muffins she sent long glances after.

Bruce wanted a session with us at ten and I carried her into his office. To my delight, she was no longer fighting me but actively helping when I picked her up, by holding on to me.

“How did it feel to be in your father’s care yesterday?” Bruce asked.

Cia gave me a quick glance. “It felt strange,”

“Did something pop up that you would like to discuss… maybe memories from your childhood?”

“Not really… I was just aware of how naked I was.”

“And you didn’t like that?”

“No, I didn’t like that.”

“Why is that? Were you afraid your daddy would touch you inappropriately?”

Cia moved annoyed in her chair. “No, it’s just hard to take seriously and I don’t think of G as my father.” She gave me a side glance. “No offense.”

I was going to tell her that I didn’t see her as my daughter either, but Bruce continued.

“The fact that no traumas came to the surface is a good sign, and I’m very proud of you both for completing the task. I suggest that you go back to the cabin and change into the next outfit, as you are ready to be a toddler.

“Great, can I have real food then?”

“Yes. You still need help from you father when you eat, but you can play with toys and eat the same as the rest of us.”

“Wonderful,” Cia said dryly. “Can I bathe myself too?”

“No, I’m afraid not – and in fact I noticed that you still keep some boundaries between you. I would like you to trust your father more today and let him wash you all over like a real father would. Again, let me remind you both that there is nothing sexual in this. Fathers and mothers wash their children daily to clean them.” He looked directly at me. “I’m not asking you to dwell between her legs or on her breasts, but it’s all a natural part of her body and should be washed too.”

No doubt my face was crimson. “I can’t do that,” I said and squirmed in my seat.

“Of course you can, and if you use a washcloth you won’t even be in direct contact.”

“But surely we’re allowed a few personal boundaries,” I protested.

“No, you’re not. Parents and babies bathe and sleep together. It has been that way for thousands of years and helps the child develop the ability to bond and trust.”

He turned his attention to Cia. “I think you’ll agree with me the bonding and trusting doesn’t come easy to you, which indicates that this crucial part of your development is lacking.

“In the light of your drug addiction this is particularly crucial since new research tells us that the root cause of addiction is really a lack of connection.”

Cia and I both took deep breaths and exchanged looks of discomfort.

“I know you feel like I’m pushing you, but I’m really not.” Bruce returned his gaze to me. “Ideally I would ask you to shave all Cia’s pubic hair since that isn’t part of childhood either, but I’m leaving that up to you both.”

It was the first time I felt a reaction to his words that was far from appropriate. I always found it arousing to shave a woman’s pubic hair and it stirred something in me. “That’s not happening,” I said quickly. I didn’t have to look at Cia to know she agreed.

Bruce raised both palms. “As I said, I’ll leave that up to you. My agenda is to build intimacy between the two of you and get Cia to relax and take in the tenderness from a parent. Ultimately we want her to develop her ability to trust and bond with others.”

“I’m right here,” Cia said and pushed her jaw out. “Talking about me in third person when I’m sitting right in front of you is just rude.”

“I apologize,” Bruce said with a smile. “If you don’t have any more questions I suggest you go and change in the cabin, and Cia...”

“Yes,” she said with her brows knitted.

“The diaper stays on until you advance to being a child.”

She arched a brow but didn’t answer him.

“There are clean diapers under the sink in the bathroom,” he said to me.

The eerie way Cia turned her head in slow motion and raised herself up in her seat spoke volumes. “Please tell me you don’t actually expect me to do my business in the diaper.”

He nodded his head. “I already know you used the toilet this morning and I take full blame for not explaining myself clearly enough. As long as you use a diaper, you’ll not be able to use the toilet.

“There is no way in hell I’m doing number one or two in a diaper,” Cia growled.

“Thank God,” I muttered, feeling a bit pale myself.

“Then we better hope you advance to being a child soon,” Bruce said calmly.

Cia was so mad she was actually sputtering when she spoke. “I don’t think this kind of thing is legal… there must be some kind of rules or ethics… or something.”

Bruce didn’t even lift a brow; he just looked at her and waited for her to get it all out.

When she had told him how disgusting, perverted, and crazy he was at least three times, he spoke in a placating tone. “What part of it upsets you the most? That you’ll get dirty by peeing in a diaper or that your father has to clean you up?”

“Both,” she yelled at him.

“But if you had to pick one, which one would you say bothers you the most.”

“I don’t like to be touched when I’m clean, so why the hell do you think I would tolerate him touching me when I’m dirty?”

“Would it be okay if he was to clean your foot? Is it because it’s your vagina that he has to clean?”

God, it felt like a sauna in here. I pulled the neckline of my t-shirt out and blew down to cool myself off. I felt sorry for Cia and could completely sympathize. I would hate to be in her shoes.

“Of course it would be different, you insensitive prick,” she sneered.

He looked at me for help. “Maybe it would help Cia if you told her that you don’t mind changing a wet diaper for her.”

“I don’t mind…” I started to say, but she cut me off by snapping her head around and pinning me with her burning eyes.

“Of course you mind, and so do I.”

She was fuming, but Bruce was unwavering and simply continued on as if nothing was wrong. “Any other questions before you go?”

“Actually I have a question,” I said and moved forward in my chair. “When Cia has nightmares, what should I do? Wake her up or let her sleep?”

Bruce looked at Cia and tilted his head like a bloodhound onto a trace of something. “How often do you have nightmares?”

She was scowling at him but to my surprise, she answered. “I don’t know… pretty often I guess.”

“Do you remember your dreams?”

“Sometimes.”

“Is it the same recurrent dream?”

“No.” 

He looked thoughtful. “How violent was her nightmare would you say?” he asked me.

“Not bad, she just whined and babbled on about something I couldn’t understand.”

“In that case, don’t wake her. Offer her your comfort but don’t actively wake her up. If, however, you see her throwing herself violently around, then wake her.”

“All right. I got it.”

“Good – nightmares are a normal way to process things from our lives, it’s not necessarily a bad thing, but if you remember anything about your nightmares, Cia, then please write it down and bring it to me. It might be helpful for us to find out what traumas you have from your past.”

We got up and went to the cabin, where a new pile of clothes had been placed on the bed.

I gently sat Cia down on the bed. She moved away and curled into a ball, closing me out.

“Do you need a minute?” I asked.

She didn’t answer, so I got on the bed next to her and picked up my book and started reading. I could be patient.

Half an hour later Cia sat up and picked up the new clothes on the bed. It was all pink and girlish and made her wrinkle her nose up.

“Jeez,” she muttered. “Did they run out of black and yellow?”

I was in awe of her. I think honestly if it had been me, I would have been hiking through the woods by now… on my way back to Seattle. I had witnessed her rage and seen her revulsion with this program and yet, only half an hour later, she was trying to make a joke.

“At least in this role-playing universe, no one will mistake you for a boy with that outfit,” I said in an attempt to keep the irony going.

“I’m going to look like walking candy floss,” she said.

“Then don’t be mad if I lick you,” I answered quickly and saw her eyes widen.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that… it was just a joke.”

She didn’t get angry but just shrugged. “Yeah, this whole thing is a cruel joke. Good thing I have a sense of humor or I would go crazy, real quick.”

“You and me both,” I agreed.

“Really… you think you’re having it tough?” she asked.

“No, but… I don’t know, I mean, it’s not easy for me either,” I babbled.

“How do you think you would feel about me undressing you and bathing you and putting you in a diaper?”

I looked into her green eyes and found them much more attractive without all the black make-up. She had long lashes, and when the time was right, I would tell her that her chance of getting a boyfriend was much bigger without all the depressive blackness. I didn’t know how she would react if I told her she was pretty, because she didn’t seem to appreciate that kind of attention, but uncle or not, I’m still a guy and I can tell when a girl has natural beauty, and I think she should know.

“I would hate it if our roles were reversed, and the thought of you bathing me makes the hair on my arms stand up.”

A ghost of sadness flew over her face.

“For all it’s worth though, I think it’s much worse for you to get the diaper on, than it is for me to do it,” I said.

Her eyes were blazing. “Of course it is. So I have a suggestion.”

“What?” I asked.

“Why don’t you let me put you in a diaper… you know, just for the balance of things.”

I narrowed my eyes, waiting for her to say “Just kidding,” but she didn’t.

This was a fucking dilemma… I wanted to help her and to support her, but the thought of being subjected to that sort of humiliation made my heart race triple time.

“Sweetie, I don’t think I can do that,” I said hoping that my endearment would soften her up.

“So you’re willing to strip me naked and touch my body and humiliate me with the whole diaper thing, but you wouldn’t allow me to do the same to you?”

My head was spinning, trying to find a solution.

“I suppose I could let you see me naked if that would help.”

“You’ve seen me naked,
and
touched me.”

I frowned. “Are you asking if you can touch me while I’m naked?”

“No!” She rubbed her face with both hands. “This is all so messed up. I don’t want to see you naked, or touch you, and I certainly don’t want to put you in a diaper, but I just feel so fucking powerless and I
hate
it.”

“So you think that we would be more balanced if the humiliation went both ways.”

“Yes.”

“I understand.”

“No, you don’t understand.”

“I’m okay with stripping out of my clothes, Cia. Being in the military will make you used to being naked in front of others. We shared open showers and stuff. I mean, if it makes you feel better.”

“It won’t make me feel better and I don’t want you naked and close to me. I just wanted to see if you were willing to do it.”

“All right, then what
do
you want?”

“I want these two weeks to be over and get out of here.”

“I understand,” I said again.

She was compliant when I dressed her in the pink set of soft clothes, which had a picture of a kitty on her belly. She even allowed me to put the hairband with a bow in her hair.

“You look cute,” I said, but that only made her roll her eyes.

“Do you want to go and play a board game or something?” I asked.

“Can a toddler play pool?” she asked and reached her hands up to me. As the most natural thing in the world, I picked her up and held her close.

“I think I’m going to call you my little candy floss while you’re a toddler,” I joked as we walked up to the main house.

Cia held on to me and sighed. “I can’t wait to be Black again.”

I didn’t say it, but a part of me hoped that she would never go back to that awful look. She was so much softer and sweeter without all that darkness.