BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (26 page)

I didn’t remember it, but Granddad said I used to come to the porch with my doll when Mama and Daddy fought. I figured, without consciously knowing it, since the porch had been my safe place years ago, that had been why I fled to the same place when Mama and Auntie Bitch started fighting.

I always felt safe on the porch, and sometimes I’d sleep on the cot, which Granddad said I’d also done years ago. 

Granddad always knew where I’d gone to hide, but he never told anyone. I assumed he was just glad I couldn’t see what went on inside the house. Still, I heard the yelling and the cussing, and saw Grandmother crying long after Granddad had Mama and Auntie Bitch separated until they had settled down or passed out.

Mama usually passed out first.

Then, peaceful silence had filled the house. 

The fighting had always scared me, but I was too little to stop them. And Granddad was too old to do much. Still, he’d try, but he’d get hit, and when he couldn’t get them to stop, Grandmother would call Uncle Henry. 

My other favorite place had been inside an old shed at the far corner of the backyard. When I first came home, Granddad had a black Chow-Chow, and at first Blackie wasn’t too friendly, so I didn’t get to play with him unless Granddad came outside with me.

He said, “That dog’s temperamental, Sarah. He might bite ya ‘til he gets to know ya.” But after a while Blackie and I became friends, so I got to come out alone whenever I wanted. I’d sit in the shed talking to Blackie for hours; his head resting on my lap while getting his tummy rubs.

Blackie became my best friend. My only friend. He died a week before Mama. Granddad said he just got old and tired and had gone to doggie heaven. After he died, I’d sit in the shed, alone.

I missed him so much.

People had gathered in every room of the house. Most had plates of food, and just as I’d thought, hefty Maggie was chowin’ down on a very large helping of chocolate cake. 

The kitchen table had been loaded with more food than I’d seen in my life! Earlier that morning someone had brought in a card table and loaded it with all kinds of desserts. That, of course, was where Maggie had planted herself, using a large dinner plate for her
piece
of cake!

As usual, Grandmother sat at the kitchen table, crying, and Auntie Bitch sat next to her with a cup of coffee, smoking a cigarette. Between the two of them, they drank twelve pots of coffee a day, if not more. 

So much noise! Everyone was talking at once!

“Maybe I can disappear; escape to the bathroom and hope no one looks for me,” I whispered. “Even a few minutes of peace and quiet would be wonderful.” I made a bee-line for the bathroom, locking the door behind me. My head had been throbbing… 

“Sarah, are you in here?” 

“Damn it! I didn’t even have time to sit down,” I muttered under my breath. “I should’ve known Olivia would ruin my space. So much for a moment of tranquility!”

Trying to hide the disgust in my voice, I answered, “Yes, I’m here.” 

“Well, get out of there and get something to eat! You haven’t eaten all day.”

Since it sounded like an order, and not a request, I opened the door, and there stood Olivia with her alien mouth fully formed.

Yikes
! What a thing to walk out and see!

Knowing I’d better be on my best behavior or I’d also see the black monster eyes, I thought, if she turned green and had an odd-shaped head she’d pass for an alien from outer space with ease. 

I smiled and went to the table with
real
food. I wasn’t much for sweets anyway, so I figured I’d leave the desserts for Maggie and her friends. I wasn’t hungry, but to keep Olivia off my case I got a small amount of meatloaf, mashed potatoes and pea salad. With no place to sit, I stood in the corner and ate.

Several hours had passed before people started to leave. Of course, most of the food had been devoured. Typical—the food ran out and so did the people, leaving a big mess to be cleaned up by someone else.

Aunt Julie had been washing dishes ever since we’d returned from the cemetery. I’d offered to help, but she just smiled and said it gave her something to do. I stood back in the corner and was watching her when Maggie waddled up to the counter.

Good ol’ Maggie, the last of her friends to leave, rubbed her enormous tummy, stated she couldn’t eat another bite, put her plate on the counter, not offering to wash her dish, then shuffled out of the kitchen.

But finally, tranquility had returned, and I thought, maybe now, I’d find out who all the relatives were. Especially John! But, I hadn’t seen him since we’d gotten back from the cemetery. “He must be here! Maybe he’s outside with Granddad.” 

Leaving the kitchen, I started my search. 

So many people had been in and out during the last few days. Most brought food, but some came empty handed. I assumed those just came to eat. Still, an army couldn’t have eaten all the food left over. Everyone kept telling me to eat, but I didn’t feel hungry and wished they’d just leave me alone!

At every chance, I went out and sat in the old shed where I used to sit with Blackie. I loved that dog so much, and he loved me, too. I didn’t get to say goodbye before he died. 

Everyone I loved had left…
Bobbi
…I hadn’t thought about Bobbi in ages. I really loved her, and she didn’t leave me, but I still didn’t get to say goodbye. I’d give anything if I could live with her again, but Daddy never told me where she lived.

“Bobbi, wherever you are, I love you and I miss you so much. I wish you were here. Mama didn’t die in that fire like Daddy said
…
but she’s dead now. I’m all alone, Bobbi….” Hearing voices in the yard, I quickly moved into the shadows of the shed, out of sight.

“Dad, I had to lie. How could I tell Sarah her mother jumped over the banister?”

“She’s gonna find out one of these days, son. Then what will you tell her?”

“Damn!” I whispered. “I wish they’d come closer so I could hear!”

“Olivia and I were talking about Sarah coming to live with us. You and Mother are too old to be raising a nine year old. We’ll adopt her, seal her birth certificate and other records, then she’ll never find out.”

Finally! Now, I’ll be able to hear
.

“That’s up to you, Henry. I like having her around. She’s a good kid. If you and Olivia want Sarah to live with you for a while, I can’t stop you. Besides, it might be good until Barbara moves out.”

“I think it’s best, Dad.”

“She’s had a rough life, Henry. I believe she’s been abused. I don’t know if Eli did the abusing, but if I ever find out, I’ll kill the SOB who hurt that little girl.”

“If you only knew, Granddad. If you only knew,”
Ann softly murmured.

“You’ll have to stand in line, Dad. If there’s anything left after I get done, you can have him.”

They turned around and moved toward the house, out of hearing range. I remained in the shadows and thought about what I’d heard. Of course, Auntie Bitch leaving had to be the best news I’d heard in six months, but I didn’t want to stay with Olivia.

“She’ll beat me. She believes I’m just like Daddy, but I’m not! He’s a thief and a con-artist. I took things because he made me do it! If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t get to eat. I never wanted to steal. I
had
to steal!”

“Sarah! Where are you? Are you out here?”

“Great! Why can’t she just leave me alone?”

Not wanting her to know my hiding place, I waited until she turned her back, then I ran out of the shed and stood behind a tree for a second.

“Yes, Aunt Olivia.” I came out of hiding where she could see me. “I’m right here.”

“What are you doing behind that tree?” Her mouth started to curl.

“Just sitting.”

“Well, get in the house and get something to eat. I swear you don’t eat enough to keep a bird alive.”

“I eat when I’m hungry.”

“You’re skin and bones, Sarah, and I’m gonna fatten you up.”

I didn’t want to get fat like her, but I decided right then wasn’t the time to argue about it. I followed her into the house without saying another word.

“Get over there and fix yourself a plate, or I’ll do it for you.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I got a little bit of food, then turned away from the table, but she stopped me.

“Give me that plate!” She took it and piled it high! I started to say something about it being too much, but I saw the alien mouth, and kept quiet.

“Olivia, we need you in the bedroom.”

“I’ll be right there, Barbara.” She turned back to me, and said, “Sarah, I mean for you to eat this food. Do you hear me?”

“Yes, ma’am.” She went into the bedroom, and someone closed the door behind her. I stared at the closed door for a few moments, then with a sigh I looked down at the heaping plate.

Moving the bread she’d put on top, instantly, I felt sick! No way could I eat! Not after what Janet had done to me! I hated squash! Scraping the food into the trash, I ran into the bathroom and threw up.

Sitting on the bathroom floor, I knew I had no other choice. I had to lie and say I ate it. What else could I do? She wouldn’t understand if I told her what had happened. And, if I told her that part she’d ask all kinds of questions.

“Nope, I’ll just have to lie. But only if she asks.”

Finally people began to depart. Uncle Henry and Olivia were the first of the relatives to leave since he had to go back to work. Auntie Bitch left next, saying she’d be staying with a friend for a day or two.

I never found John, and decided to go to bed and try again in the morning. Closing the bedroom door, I looked at my little bed in the corner, then I looked at Mama’s big bed.

I crawled into her bed.

I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. Words kept running through my head. Words about Mama. Sitting up, I turned on the lamp to write down what had been going through my head all day long
…
all the words that wouldn’t allow me to sleep.

When I’d finished writing, a single tear fell onto the page. I didn’t know her but a few short months, but I loved her. I’d never know, if given time, I might’ve remembered her. The chance for happiness had been ripped from me, again.

“The Bitch! It’s all because of the Bitch!” I switched off the light and fell asleep.

Nineteen

1960 – Lubbock: Four Months Later 

Several more weeks passed and I didn’t hear from Uncle Henry. Granddad and I went to the lake almost every day, and other days we’d just sit under the tree for hours enjoying our time together while he whittled on a piece of wood.

One day Granddad told me he could look into my eyes and tell what I was thinking. “Oh, I don’t mean I can tell exactly what you’re thinking, Sarah. But, I do know when your thoughts are not here, and lately, you’ve been far, far away.”

I waited for him to question me, but he didn’t, and after a time he continued.

“Sarah, Henry and Olivia want you to live with them. Would you like to do that?”

“I don’t know, Granddad. Don’t you want me to stay with you?” I didn’t want him to know I’d heard them talking after the funeral.

“Of course, I want you to stay. I enjoy goin’ to the lake and sittin’ here under this old tree with you.” He stopped whittling and smiled. “But, your grandmother and I are getting up in years. We won’t always be around.”

“Please don’t die, Granddad! Please don’t leave me!”  My face etched in desperation as the words shot out of my mouth. 

“Sarah, honey, one of these days we will die. That’s part of growing old. Kinda like old Blackie. He just got old.”

“But Mama wasn’t old, Granddad. Why did she die?”

“I guess it was time for her to go live in Heaven.”

“Do you
really
believe there’s a God, Granddad?”

“Of course, Sarah. Why would you ask a question like that?”

“Well…if there is, why did He take Mama away? Isn’t He supposed to love children?”

“God loves all His children, Sarah. Young and old.”

“It doesn’t make sense, Granddad. If He loved me, then why did He take Mama away and why did He let…?” Realizing what I was about to say, I stopped myself before I said too much.

“Why did God let bad things happen to you?” He looked at me like he could see deep into my soul. “That’s what you were gonna ask, isn’t it?”

“Yes.” I released a big sigh. “I was so alone, Granddad. I felt no one loved me or wanted me. Not even God.”

“God loves you, Sarah. And he loved your Mama.” He began whittling again. “Your Mama was a good person, but she had the sickness. We tried to help, but by the time we realized how bad her disease had become it was too late.

“And, I can tell you this, Sarah.” He paused, looking out across the yard. “Sometimes bad things happen to good people. I don’t know why, they just do. I’m sorry for all that has happened to you, but understand this, Sarah.” He turned to look back at me. “None of it was your fault.”

“So you don’t think I’m bad?”

“Of course not, sweetheart. Your daddy, he’s a bad man. It’s unforgivable the hurt he did to you and your Mama.”

We sat in silence for a long time, each lost in our own world of thoughts.

“Granddad, why doesn’t Aunt Olivia like me?”

“Oh, Sarah, she likes you. That’s just her way. She’s hard to get to know, but it was her idea for you to live with them.”

“It was!?” I exclaimed, totally shocked that she
might
really want me.

“Yep, it was. Henry and I talked about it, and I’ll miss having you around, but we feel it’s best for you to live with them.”

“Just until Auntie leaves, then I can come…?”
Damn! I let the cat out of the bag
!

“So, you were in the old shed.” He smiled, so I knew he wasn’t mad. “How much did you hear?”

“That’s all, Granddad. They want me to live with them and Auntie’s moving.”

Thank God she didn’t hear about her mother
. “Yep, that’s what we talked about. Instead of you goin’ just on weekends, you’ll live there and go to school.”

“But when will I see you and Grandmother? I don’t wanna leave you!”

“You can still visit and spend a weekend with us sometimes.”

“I can?”

“Sure you can.” He took my hand in his and smiled. “Tell you what, you think about it and let me know after this weekend. Henry’s comin’ to pick you up on Friday. They’ll talk to you about it this weekend. Okay?”

“Okay. I’ll
think
about it.”

After that, we sat in silence until Grandmother called us in for dinner. Granddad tried to act happy, but I knew he wasn’t. Grandmother kept sniffling, claiming she must be catching a cold, but I saw the tears. I’d come to really love those two old people who were trying so hard to make me think they were happy.

That night, none of us were very hungry, or very cheerful, and I went to bed early to think. I didn’t want to live with Olivia full time, but I told Granddad I’d think about it.

So, I’d listen to what they had to say, and I’d think about it.

Usually I would’ve been excited going with Uncle Henry, but Friday came too fast for me that time. I had three days to wait after Granddad talked to me, but it seemed like I went to sleep, and when I woke up it was already Friday.

He showed up at three-thirty, but instead of coming in, he just honked, and waited in the car. My grandparents looked so sad; I gave them each an extra hug. I didn’t want to go, but I had no choice and ran out the door.

Uncle Henry smiled when I climbed into the front seat. “You ready to go home? Olivia’s cooking your favorite: chicken and dumplings.”

Home
? Granddad’s house felt like my home. Still, I forced a smile, not wanting to hurt his feelings. “Can we go to the lake and run the trotlines?” I asked to avoid answering his question.

“I think we can do that tomorrow.”

“Great! I like doing that with you, Uncle Henry.”

The rest of the drive remained in silence, and we ate dinner in silence. When we finished eating I cleared the table and washed dishes. I didn’t want to give Olivia any reason to get mad at me, and I truly believed she’d beat me if I did anything wrong.

I felt I’d had enough beatings to last several lifetimes!

When Uncle Henry told her we’d made plans to go to the lake in the morning, I held my breath. Amazingly, she didn’t make any faces, and said, “Fine. I’ll bring her out.” But, he told her I’d go with him and
she
could meet us there later!

Her mouth twisted just a bit, but she didn’t say anything else. We watched TV for a while, and before Olivia could tell me, I got ready for bed. Uncle Henry tucked me in.

Awaking to the smell of bacon, I jumped out of bed and ran to the dining room, almost bumping into Olivia as she carried my plate to the table.

“I’m sorry, Aunt Olivia.”

“Sarah! We do
not
run in the house! Now sit down and eat your breakfast.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I ate everything on my plate and that seemed to please her. “Isn’t Uncle Henry having breakfast?”

“Your uncle left two hours ago. He’ll meet us at the lake.”

“Oh. Did he have to go to work early?”

“We don’t ask questions like that around here, Sarah! He’s a grown man and he doesn’t tell me where he’s going.”

Oh boy! I better shut up
. With so damn many rules I didn’t know what I could or couldn’t say. I chose to play it safe, and without another word, I ate, washed my dishes and wiped off the table without being told. After I was done in the kitchen, I took my bath and got ready to go.

I had to wait on her to get ready, but at least she couldn’t get mad at me for making her wait!

She hit the side of the house twice backing down the driveway, and only ran
halfway
through two stop signs. Luckily, no cars were coming, so she didn’t have anyone to yell at for making her slam on the brakes when she stopped abruptly in the middle of the intersections.

She didn’t say much while she
drove
—if you could call it that—to the lake, and luckily, we arrived at the cabin in one piece. I didn’t see Uncle Henry’s car, but I hoped he’d show up soon. The less time spent with her alone, the better it’d be for me!

The inside of the cabin looked
almost
like a two bedroom house. The living room, kitchen and one bedroom were altogether in one gigantic L-shaped room; a bathroom and the other bedroom were up a couple of steps off the kitchen. It’d been furnished with stuff you’d find at a yard sale, but kinda nice. The floors were cement with a few throw rugs scattered here and there.

Outside, an old wooden picnic table and a barbeque grill were in the front yard, and near the main road, they’d planted a huge garden. Olivia grabbed a couple of paper sacks and told me to help pick tomatoes while we waited for my uncle. 

As we walked toward the garden, I hoped it’d be an okay question, and asked, “Aunt Olivia, what are those tall things over there?” I pointed to the first two rows.

“Those tall stalks are okra. We’ll cut some for dinner.”

“I never had okra before. Is it good?”

“It’s good, and it’s healthy. Your uncle likes the smaller okra boiled and the larger ones I cut up and fry. You’ll have both tonight.”

“Can I help you cook?”

Her mouth twisted as she said, “Children don’t belong in the kitchen, Sarah, and I don’t want you getting in my way! Now get over there and pick the bright red tomatoes while I get some green onions.”

Waiting until she’d moved out of hearing range, I mumbled, “I can’t help cook, but it’s okay for me to wash dishes, mop the floor, and do the dirty work!”

I’d picked over half a bag of tomatoes when Uncle Henry drove in. Waving, I took off running toward the cabin, but Olivia yelled, “Sarah! Get back here!”

“Aunt Olivia, I’m supposed to help with the trotlines!”

“Finish your job! He’ll let you know when he’s ready to go.”

I stayed, but inside I fumed and under my breath, said, “He could’ve told me he wasn’t ready to go, then I could’ve come back. But noooo! I couldn’t even talk to him for two minutes!” Still mumbling, I’d started the last row of tomatoes when he came out to the garden.

“You ‘bout ready to run those lines?”

“I’m ready, but
she
says I have to finish picking these.” I looked down the long row.

“That’s all right. I’ll have a beer and wait for you.”

I watched him walk back to the cabin, but when he sat down at the picnic table with his beer, I thought about Mama and hastened my pace, picking as fast as possible. I didn’t want him to get drunk and die!

Grabbing the last red tomato, I ran for the cabin, yelling, “I’m ready, Uncle Henry!” I didn’t look back to see if Olivia glared at me or not. I had to get him away from the beer!

“That didn’t take too long.”  Draining the last of his beer, he smiled and stood up. “Let’s go.”

I followed him to where the boat was tied up behind the cabin under a covered area at the edge of the water. Before we left he went back inside the cabin and grabbed two more beers. When he came back to the boat, he must’ve read my mind and said, “Don’t worry, Sarah. I won’t get drunk.” 

“I don’t want to lose you, too, Uncle Henry.”

“You’re not gonna lose me. At least not because of a few beers. Come on, now! Cheer up and stop worrying.”

I smiled, but I was still worried, and tried to shake off the unpleasant thoughts as he put the lifejacket on me and I climbed into the boat. I looked at the numerous boathouses lined up on the other side of the narrow channel. The closest neighboring boathouse on our side of the channel sat about three miles down the road. Uncle Henry’s place was the only one that had a cabin
and
a boathouse.

“You ready to hit the waves?”

“Ready!”

He started the motor and backed slowly away from the dock. Once we got going my concerns left me, and I had fun as the boat bounced up and down, splashing water in my face. It felt so good.

If life could always be like this, I thought, I’d always be happy.

I looked out over the blue-green water, watching cattails take a bow as the boat passed over them, and at that very moment, I felt free from all cares. Especially after Uncle Henry drank one beer going out to the lines, and he seemed to be okay.

We checked the last line and had fourteen good-sized catfish. He’d thrown four smaller ones back, saying, “Grow up before you get on my line, fish!” 

We laughed.

With Uncle Henry I laughed a lot, but with Olivia, I didn’t laugh very much. I always felt uneasy and afraid I’d do or say something to get her dander up.

Uncle Henry baited the last hook, and we headed back across the lake. He drank the other beer on the way back, which made me start to worry again. We got back to the dock, and when he started to get out of the boat, I held my breath.

Amazingly, he didn’t stagger or fall down, so I decided never to worry about him drinking too much again.