BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (24 page)

“Did I hear right? Does she really expect me to kiss her?” I mumbled.

I stood at the side of the coffin, looking at my mother, thinking: how can I give a dead woman a kiss? I knew I didn’t want to do it, and the thought—
holy shit! I can’t do this
—kept flashing through my head, making my skin crawl.

I remained frozen for what seemed an eternity.

I felt the stares from the crowd like hot daggers in my back, but I refused to turn and look into the horde of onlookers.

My heart pounded.

If anyone had asked, I would’ve sworn a pin dropped anywhere inside the vast room could’ve easily been heard throughout. The silence became overwhelming. The waiting, endless. 

Relieved, I finally felt that familiar grip on my arm as Olivia moved me away from the coffin, parking me in front of the preacher. I looked up into his kind face and asked, “Brother Joe, why did she do it? Why did she die?”

Again, Olivia grabbed my arm, and pulled me away before I could get the answer I so much needed! I wanted to jerk away from her grasp, but not wanting to make a scene, I didn’t. 

“Don’t bother Brother Joe with nonsense questions, Sarah,” Olivia whispered, leading me away. “You’ll regret it one day,
young lady
, not kissing your mother goodbye.”

Dumbfounded, I looked up at her. I wanted to say so much, but I knew it best to keep my thoughts to myself. Thoughts like: Regret? No way! No way in hell could I do that! I wanted to say: She’s dead, for heaven sakes! Why kiss a cold, made-to-look-good body lying in a casket?

But, I didn’t say anything. I saw no use making a bad situation worse, and by all means, I didn’t want to piss her off any more than I already had.

Glaring, she parked me in a chair against the back wall, and ordered me not to move while she talked with Grandmother. I was glad to be alone, even for a few minutes. Alone with my own pain, and maybe a few regrets. But that time, I’d never regret disobeying her! She could even beat me, but I’d
never
regret not kissing my dead mother! 

Uncle Henry came toward me, smiling. I felt sure, all the times he’d picked me up on Friday afternoon and took me to his house to stay until Sunday night; he just wanted to get me away from all the fighting. But after he dropped me off with Olivia, he’d go back to work and not return until late. I figured Olivia was the reason he worked so late, but being a gentleman, he never said anything bad about his wife. 

I’d learned real fast when Olivia didn’t approve of something, or someone—usually me—she’d press her lips together firmly while twisting her mouth in a way that looked alien-like, but soon after the first time I saw that look, I also learned when she got mad, her blue eyes turned completely black. MONSTER BLACK! 

I knew when I saw those eyes and that mouth together, I was in major trouble!

Uncle Henry put his arm around my shoulders and smiled. “You doin’ okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.” I looked around the room. “So many people are here. Do you know who they all are?”

“Well, not all. Your mother had many friends I never met.”

“Her drinking buddies?”

“Some probably are.” His eyes scanned the room. “But, many I recognize as people she worked with years ago at the state hospital.” He smiled. “We’re getting ready to go to the cemetery. You want to ride with me?”

“Oh, yes! I’d like that!” I answered, happily, just as Olivia walked up.

She glared at her husband, then grabbed my arm, saying, “You’re coming with
me
, Sarah.”

Uncle Henry forced a smile, then said, “Go on, sweetie. We’ll talk later.” 

Reluctantly, I left with her, but my heart ached. I wanted to be with Uncle Henry. I felt sure he liked me. But even he didn’t want to go up against Olivia! Of course, I didn’t blame him. I knew what Olivia wanted, Olivia got! There was no right and wrong with her. It was either her way or the wrong way. Cut and dried.

Again, she parked me in a chair against the wall so she could talk to some ladies. Looking around, I became engrossed watching several men who’d lined up on each side of the casket. Before I realized it, Olivia stood next to me with her alien mouth fully formed. Pompously, she looked at me, and I wondered if I’d
ever
please her. 

I wanted to ask about those men, but that familiar grasp told me I’d better keep quiet and start walking. With little pushes from behind, I stayed two steps ahead of her, and walked out of the chapel towards a long black limousine waiting to take us to the cemetery. 

The men I’d been watching must’ve gone out a side door because they were already putting the casket into a big white car parked at the side of the building. Again, I started to ask about them, but Aunt Olivia had started talking to another woman. 

One lesson learned early on—do not interrupt Olivia, or any grown-ups, when they’re talking. And since I’d already made the top of her black list, several times over, I stayed quiet, thinking that the woman talking with Olivia looked so pretty!

She was tall, very slender, with shoulder-length ash blond hair that fell loosely around her face. She looked like the woman I’d seen talking with Uncle Jason the other night, and if she was the same woman, she had to be my Aunt Julie. 

Several times she glanced at me and smiled, but when we got to the car, she smiled again and continued on to the limousine parked behind us. Olivia called her Julie, so I figured she must be my other aunt.

A man dressed in black stood outside the limo we were to ride in. He held the car door open, but when I started to get into the back seat, I saw Auntie, The Bitch, already inside. I didn’t want to sit next to her! I didn’t want anywhere near her!

But then, thinking that this could be another chance to give her the unadulterated look of hate, I felt a little better about getting into the car. But just as I climbed in, she looked down at her twisting hands! Once again, she didn’t see the hate-filled look I tried to give her. 

“Hurry up, Sarah. Get in the car!”

I turned to protest, but saw her alien mouth forming, so I didn’t argue. I climbed in the car thinking that I’d just go into a world of my own. I knew I could get through it. I’d gotten through much worse! 

I did my best to rationalize my current situation, but sitting next to the damned witch who, no matter what anyone said, I’d
always
believe killed my mother, was very difficult.

After forcing myself into the car, Olivia climbed in behind me. I felt like a piece of bologna being squashed between two slices of bread, and let my thoughts drift back to a time with Daddy.

I didn’t know how long we’d been on the road, but I hadn’t eaten in days. I was starving. I told Daddy I was hungry, but he said, “We haven’t gotten to a town yet, baby. Go back to sleep, and Daddy will wake you when we get to a town.”

Believing him, I curled up on the back seat thinking that I’d starve to death if we didn’t get to a town soon.
I’d never been hungry before, and I didn’t like that feeling at all. I woke up often and told him again and again I was still hungry, but each time he’d say the same thing, so I’d lie back down. Sleep did help the emptiness in my stomach not seem quite as bad, but I couldn’t sleep forever—could I…?

Hearing voices, I turned and saw Uncle Henry with Uncle Jason, Aunt Julie and, I assumed their son, Adam, getting into the limousine behind us. “I wish I could ride with them!” I whispered under my breath. “But no. I have to ride with the…”

A faint voice interrupted my gripes. I looked at Olivia, hoping not to see the alien mouth, as she repeated, “What are you mumbling about?” 

Good! No alien looks. “Oh, I just wondered if the drive to the cemetery would take very long.”

“It will take as long as it takes!” Auntie Bitch answered in her snotty tone.

But then, it finally happened! She looked right at me as I glared with the hate-filled look I’d been trying to give her for days, and I knew she saw it!

Of course, she gave me a hateful stare right back. 

I smiled after that glorious, long-awaited moment. I never knew how satisfied I’d feel showing her just how much I really did hate her, and without saying a word! It had been well worth the wait to see the look on her face.

Uncle Jason got out of the limo, and stood looking around. I wondered who he was waiting for when his face broke into a big grin and an extremely tall, good-looking man walked up to him. I watched them until the tall stranger left and my uncle got back into the car. 

Uncle Jason stood about five-ten, and had a belly laugh that rocked the house. He was definitely the joker in the family, and with each unrestrained burst of laughter his soft blue eyes glistened brighter than the brightest star in the night sky.

Uncle Henry was more on the quiet, serious side, but it was easy to tell that Uncle Jason would always be just a good ol’, down-to-earth boy who refused to grow up. I liked him very much! 

Finally, everyone had lined up behind the limos and the cars began moving along at a snail’s pace, which I’d been told was typical for a funeral procession. Cops were at every intersection, standing at attention, stopping traffic for us as we drove through town. 

“Cool!” I exclaimed.

“What’s
c-o-o-l?”
Olivia snickered. 

“All these cops!”

“Sarah! They are PO-leesmen,
not cops
, and you will refer to them as such! They’re friends and co-workers of your uncle and you
will
give them respect!”

Wow! That sure got her hackles up. Unless I wanted my head bitten off, I knew I’d better shut up and finish the ride without saying another word.

“Did you hear me, young lady?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I responded, without looking at her. I could still
think
whatever I wanted, and that way I wouldn’t get on Olivia’s bad side, I hoped.

Still, it was cool seeing the
cops
stopping traffic for us! 

Uncle Henry was a detective, which still spelled
cop
in my book. He’d been a cop for a long time, but before that, he and Olivia, my mother, Auntie Bitch, well actually, everyone on his side of the family had worked at the state hospital.

I didn’t know what they did there, but the hospital had closed years ago, and was not a subject they talk
ed about. Maybe it reminded them of the place Uncle Henry took Mama, but now it was just a big empty building with a tall chain link fence around it.

I saw it the first time in daylight as we passed by it on the way to my grandparent’s house after the
cops
found me. Then, one Friday night when Uncle Henry picked me up later than usual, I saw it in the dark. It reminded me of an old castle in a Dracula movie, all dark and creepy-like with overgrown vines clinging to the sides, reaching toward the sky.

Actually, it looked pretty scary, day or night! 

The limo began slowing to make the turn into the cemetery on the outskirts of town. Still moving at a snail’s pace through the grounds, we passed a group of people standing around a newly dug grave. All the women were clinging to the person next to them, and everyone was crying.

Mama died a week ago, but I hadn’t cried. Besides, I knew it wouldn’t help, and I’d made a promise long ago that, if I could help it, I’d
never
cry in front of anyone again. I’d been told that when you cry, you’re weak, and I was
not
a weakling!

The limo came to a stop near the plot, parking behind the white limo. Again, the same men had lined up on either side of the casket. I felt sad knowing the big hole that had been dug in the ground was where Mama would remain, forever. 

Olivia had told me she loved my mother, and they’d been best friends until Mama started drinking. She said someday she’d tell me about her. I hoped she would, but I’d also learned long ago not to trust what grown-ups said. They’d only tell you what they
thought
would keep you quiet, and what they
thought
you’d want to hear. 

Grown-ups didn’t have to tell the truth!

“Sarah, let’s go!” I’d been lost in my own world, again, and didn’t hear Olivia say anything, or see her get out of the car.

“Ouch! That hurts!” I squealed as she pinched me. Then, before I could move, her iron hand pulled on my arm. Looking up at her, I thought that she could be a football player the way her arms were built. 

Glaring, she released my arm, and in her disgusted voice, said, “Well, get out of the car! It’s time for the gravesite service. I swear, Sarah, you just don’t listen!”

She waited for me to move, but I was busy picturing her being hurled over a goal post when she yelled, “SARAH! Don’t make me tell you again! Get out,
NOW!”

Oh no! Black monster eyes! Now I’d gone and done it! She really was pissed!

“Yes, Aunt Olivia. I’m coming.”

I got out of the car, but then she marched behind me like a drill sergeant, walking so close I could feel her breath on my neck. I had to force one foot in front of the other, thinking, I don’t want to be here! I want to be anywhere else, when I heard Uncle Henry’s voice behind me, saying, “Olivia, this child’s been through so much, and with Violet dying, give the kid a break.”