Billi Jean (17 page)

“Is this a yes? God, I hope this is a yes.”

“Mmm, a maybe?” She tightened her grip and smoothed her hands experimentally down. He grunted, then groaned when she stroked back up, lingering over every exciting inch of his velvety length.

“Baby, if you don’t stop that you’ll need another shower,” he cautioned in a deep voice, followed by a groan when she gave his cock two firm strokes. Well, he certainly liked what they were doing, or what she was doing. He growled something funny, a half curse of her name, and she couldn’t help but tease him with a little bite on his shoulder. He groaned louder and his erection grew bigger in her hands, taking her mind completely off her slight soreness and right onto him again.

“Oh, such a big bad major you are. Will you wash me up, too?”

He groaned something about showing her major and gave her a play-swat on the butt. She sucked in a breath at how hot that little tap made her. Amazing.

Giggling now, she let him tackle her down and take her hands off her favourite part of his anatomy. He seemed to like to be the one in control of this, she’d noticed already. That was fine for now, since he obviously had more experience, but she had plans for Major Ryland. He would be unravelling under her as much as she had under him.

“What are you thinking?” he asked, settling most of his weight off to the side of her, but still managing to keep her under him. He watched her, but bent to kiss the top of her breasts, nuzzling the skin with his jaw. He seemed to like every part of her. He’d certainly kissed every inch of her.

“You. How controlling you are,” she added to see his reaction.

Typically, he frowned, as if she was speaking a foreign language.

“Very, very controlling,” she added, with a significant look at his hands holding hers above her head.

He grinned, and his face seemed to lose so much of that stern, warrior look that her heart swelled and turned over. He looked so much younger and more approachable now than when they’d first met.

“Just trying to keep you behaving. Aren’t you hungry, Sunshine?” He kissed her mouth softly.

He was. She’d heard his stomach growling. “I might be. Are you offering to cook?”

He lifted his head and gave her a wounded look. “Not if you want to live. Can’t cook worth beans. The men wouldn’t even let me.”

She tugged at her arms until he let them go—reluctantly, she noticed. “I can maybe cook something if you let me up. And shower.” She was sticky in places that had no business being sticky. It actually should have freaked her out, but she liked it. Russell definitely liked it. She’d watched him run a hand up the inside of her thigh after he’d withdrawn, catching their mingled moisture and smiling briefly at the wetness on his fingers.

“You’ve never been with a woman and not worn a condom?” she asked.

Russell gave her a frown again. He was so sinister-looking with his bristle. It darkened his face, making his angular cheekbones stand out and his eyes appear a darker grey. Not that he scared her. Big, dark alpha SEAL that he was, she was under no illusions with Russell. He’d never hurt her. Not physically, at least.

“No. I was always safe,” he said. “Now I can reap the rewards of my good behaviour, huh?” He nudged her thigh with his thick, velvety erection.

Huh. Well, there was that. As long as she stayed on birth control. And seeing as how she’d had an implant that would last three years, and they’d had sex all day,
bareback
, she supposed they’d continue the same way. Would he be here in three years? Would
she
? Maybe this would be one of those wild sex weekends she’d heard about from friends. She already hoped it wasn’t. And last night she’d been scared he wanted more? She was losing it, absolutely. This was wonderful—it felt so incredible, but if this was all, if he said something like ‘I’ll call you’ or ‘see you later’, she knew she would be crushed.

And that was frightening.

But true.

She’d survive it, of course, but if this was wild sex it would cheapen it. Maybe that was her inexperience. Maybe this was the way all little affairs went—hot, wild sex and then a quick goodbye. What if she actually got used to him being here, then it was over without any kind of real reason other than it was fun, but he didn’t want attachments? God, she was thinking this to death.

“I’m not sure I like it when you get that thoughtful look, Sunshine.”

He sounded like he wanted her to talk. He’d said that. Or he sounded like he wanted all her attention on him.
Cute
. But no way was she sharing with the big bad SEAL on top of her that she was freaked about what they were doing. So she watched him, running her hands through his hair instead of answering. It was cut short, but still thick and silky.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” he asked, resting his head on his hand. He brushed her hair off her forehead, watching her watching him. His eyes dipped down and his lips curved upward. She should have been embarrassed, but he obviously liked her body. All of it. It was impossible to feel embarrassed when he got that intense look on his face simply from her being naked.

“How different we are. It’s fascinating. You’re so big and hard, rough.”

Grey eyes jerked back up at her words. “I was too rough?”

“No silly. You’re rough, not
rough
…” She took his hand and compared it to hers. His fingers were much longer than hers, and calluses marred his palm and fingers. He had small white scars scattered over his knuckles and the back of his hand.

“Ah, well, I am bigger.” He nudged her with his lower body making her laugh. Sighing happily, she curled her fingers through his.

“Yes, and don’t you know it, too.”

“Damn straight. A man needs all of his advantages with a woman like you.”

“What is a woman like me?” she asked, curious as to what he thought of her. He’d said she was beautiful, but he’d also been a bit out of his mind with lust, which was its own kinda compliment.

Head on hand, he leaned on his elbow and watched her, his handsome face thoughtful. “Beautiful. So beautiful it hurts. You’re warm, sweet, too smart for those sexy jeans you wear to drive me nuts, and you’re about as stubborn as me. Not a good thing, by the way. Independent. You’ve got good taste in beer, food and men—since you’re with me.”

Well.

He grinned and tapped her nose, making her frown. “You look like I surprised you. I should have warned you, I don’t lie, Susan. If you ask me something, I’ll always be honest with you.”

Well, what could she say to that? Was he wondering about her? Would he start asking questions that she couldn’t answer? She suddenly hoped not, with a desperation that frightened her. She was in deep. Too deep?

“What did you think I would say?”

What
did
I think he would say
? She had no idea.

Smart. Stubborn. Independent. Beautiful. All nice things. Amazing things, since he’d seen her leg and seemed to love to trace the scars there, and the one on her face. She should have been nervous about that, but somehow Russell made it okay. It wasn’t like Russell didn’t have his own scars—he had quite a few. Some were gunshot wounds, too. But she was a woman, and men looked better with scars. Women? Not so much.

As if he were reading her mind, he reached out and traced her sunburst scar. “This bothers you. Tell me how you got it. I’m getting tired of asking, baby. I’m beginning to think you don’t trust me.” He settled closer, comforting her more than he knew with his arms around her, holding her gently. She could let herself believe he wanted more than sex when he surrounded her.

But how much could she say to him? Share with him? Sharing created links to people, and if she gave some of herself only to have him leave when he had his fill, then what? It was too intimate to share her pain if he wasn’t going to be in her life. But wow, how could a woman know if a man was going to be in her life forever after one day of hot sex? She needed to grow up. Dreams were for girls, and she wasn’t one. Not any longer. Russell was here now, and she needed to stop with the worry and simply take what he offered.  

“I was in an accident. I got hurt pretty bad.”

“Bad enough to cause this?” He brushed warm fingers over her thigh, tracing the pink lines gently.

“Yeah.” When he simply watched her, she swallowed quickly and licked her lips. “My jaw was wired shut for six months, my leg broken in three places, a few ribs cracked, and the gash on my temple. I was in a coma for a bit. When I woke…” Pausing, she looked away from his intent eyes and focused on his rounded shoulders. So big. So strong. Her dad had been that way. Big and strong. It’d seemed impossible her dad wouldn’t live forever. That he would get sick. So sick it had killed him.

“Talk to me, Susan. It helps sometimes.”

Meeting his grey eyes again, she saw compassion there, warmth, and something deep and dark. Pain. He had it, too. He’d lost his mother, his stepdad and a brother. He knew pain, and sometimes it was easier to share with someone who knew what pain really was.

Again, she wondered what would come of this. Was this a typical affair? Sharing part of yourself? She felt a huge sense of unease trusting him with this, with her personal thoughts and feelings. But it also felt so good to finally have someone to share it with. Even if it wasn’t all of what had happened, at least it was part of it. But at the same time, it was too personal, too near to her heart. She almost growled in frustration. She was screwed up. She wanted him. Didn’t want him. Wanted to talk to him. Didn’t want to talk to him.

“Russell…” Burying her face in his warm chest, she let him pull her closer. The emotions, always so firmly under control, tried to bubble over and spill out. “It hurts. It hurts still to talk, like if I don’t think about it, talk about it, I can pretend it’s all the same, you know? Pretend it will somehow…”
Not be real
. Tears began, then, slowly leaking out past her closed eyes. Her throat was clogged with them. She wanted to stop crying, more than half afraid her tears would take over and she’d not be able to stop. She hadn’t cried since that first week. Back then she’d been so weak, so shocked that all she’d been able to do was let the tears fall.

“Shhh, then. Time helps. Give it some more time, baby. But nothing will make it the way it was before. Before your dad died, is that it?”

His voice was like some kind of black magic, opening her soul and making her tears fall. How could he understand what it was like to fail someone so miserably? Russell had probably never let anyone down in his life. She hadn’t been able to tell her father goodbye. He’d died thinking he’d lost her. Her big, strong dad, always so protective, always so strong, unable to guard the one thing in his life he’d always tried to keep safe.

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

His arms tightened around her like a warm blanket. “Oh, baby, shhh, your dad would have understood, Susan. Shhh, now, no one that loved you would want you upset like this,” he murmured. He held on tight, rocking her in his warm arms, surprising her with how much comfort he gave her. It tore her up, but she cried. It hurt. Each sob made her stomach ache, but Russell simply held her and whispered reassurances.

Slowly the tears began to hurt less, but her stress increased. How was this happening? God, she couldn’t let her dad go and just, what? Carry on? She struggled with Russell, suddenly feeling trapped in his embrace.

“No, shhh—relax, relax, shhh. Let this soak in, baby. You need to let this settle a bit.”

When he wouldn’t let her go, she stopped trying to push him away. He tucked the sheet over them. Without speaking, he quietly comforted her with his warmth and tenderness. She was so tired of fighting this, of shoving it away to deal with later, and he felt so solid and safe. No one could come near her with Russell here.

“Do you want to sleep a little?” he asked, after a long while of not speaking.

He must think she was some kind of crazy person. She’d left wet marks on his chest. He kissed her forehead and tipped her head up with a finger under her chin. Reluctantly, she met his grey eyes. He was so focused on her, she licked her lips self-consciously.

“How can you look more beautiful after crying? Aren’t women supposed to look like hell after crying?” He sounded so put out she half choked on a laugh. She knew he was trying to lighten the mood, and he did. Using a soft piece of the sheet, he wiped under her eyes and she batted at him.

“That’s a sheet, not a Kleenex.”

He caught her hand in his and erased the inch of distance between them to capture her mouth for a kiss. He didn’t rush the press of his mouth to hers. Instead, he rubbed his lips to hers, gingerly stroking her mouth with his hot tongue, then pulled back to softly suck on her bottom lip. It was devastating. It felt like he was making love to her mouth. As if, little by little, he was taking piece after piece of her heart with each slow stroke of his mouth on hers.

Slowly, he pulled away to stare down at her. “Baby, you can use me as a Kleenex any time. Any time, Susan, you know that, don’t you?” He sounded so sincere, she nodded and pressed her hand to his chest. “Now, let’s get you fed. Maybe I can take you for a small walk, then dinner?”

She choked on a laugh at the enthusiasm in his voice. He made her sound like a puppy. “A small walk? Do I look like a poodle?”

Chuckling, he tugged her to his chest and shook his head. “Nah, I don’t think a poodle… Maybe one of those little Chihuahuas?”

“Oh, you are in for it now, big guy!” Laughing with him, she tickled her fingers down his ribs as lightly and fast as she could. Russell nearly knocked her off the bed with his bigger body when he tried to get away, then came back with a sudden growl and pinned her hands above her head.
The brat. So not fair.

“That is so not right! You cheat.”

He blinked, and then laughed so hard his hands loosened enough for her to pull free and pinch him. Instead of it stopping him, he laughed harder.

“Goddamn, you are too much, Sunshine. Cheat? I never cheat. I can’t help it if tackling you down is like restraining a butterfly.”

“Oh my God, I can’t believe you just said that!”