Big Sky Eyes (21 page)

Chapter 34

There were no flights available on Christmas Eve, and the
only one she could book for Christmas day left late in the evening. She would
have to rent a car in Missoula and drive the two hours on her own and hope to
God there was a motel with vacancy once she got there.

As the plane hovered in the pitch black sky, her thoughts
wandered back and forth between apprehension at seeing Brent and anger toward
Rick. She wondered if Leann would be there, and if she would allow Mackenna
time alone with him. No doubt she knew of Mackenna’s confession to Brent at
Ty’s wedding and she would not likely give way to her again.

As far as Rick, Mackenna worried herself over the darkness
of his eyes. It had occurred to her after he left that her journals had all
been packed up and stored when she moved out of her apartment. So, he had to
have read them while she was still at the apartment, before they got engaged,
but how could he have done it without her seeing? It’s not like he was ever
alone in there.

She looked down at her bare ring finger. It felt light and
free after the choking burden it had become to her in recent months. How could
she have talked herself into marrying him? Well, in her defense, he had changed
a great deal after they had sex.

For Mackenna, their sexual life left much to be desired. She
quickly found herself finding excuses to avoid the act and counting the seconds
until it was done once it began. She’d find herself focusing on some distant
spot on the ceiling, or musing over a passage she’d read recently while trying
to constantly readjust herself so that he couldn’t pull any more hair from her
scalp with his arms pinned to the sides of her head.

He was a sloppy and hurried lover, and if he cared one whit
about pleasing her, he never did anything about it. He certainly knew how to
get his own body slick with sweat and shivering in ecstasy. To Mackenna,
ecstasy was still a romantic illusion. The more sex they had, the more repulsed
she became and she knew that she would not be able to sign herself up for a
lifetime of obligatory sex. Everything in their relationship had been leading
toward a breakup, and she felt amazingly unburdened to finally have it behind
her.

By the time she landed, every rental car office was closed.
She was able to book passage on a bus, but would have to change buses three
times to actually get where she was going. When she finally made it to town in
the early hours of the morning, the only place within walking distance was a
truck stop called the Lazy J. She crept passed the rows of sleeping semis,
schlepping her duffel bag, and burdened the night manager for a room. She was
thrilled to find that he had one available for her.

She was so exhausted that she didn’t care that the space was
so small that it barely fit her bag in between the door and the bed. She didn’t
care that the linens smelled like urine, that there was no hot water in the
bathroom or that the carpet had stains eerily the color of blood. She pulled
her heavy parka around her like a sheath and collapsed on top of the bed and
fell instantly asleep.

The services for Alora were at ten o’clock in the morning, and
it took Mackenna so much time to find the church on foot that she arrived just
as it began. The tiny church was packed full of people and parishioners who had
loved Alora, and Mackenna had to stand in the back. She searched the rows of
heads, looking for Brent’s but she did not find him.

The preacher spoke emotionally and eloquently of Alora’s faith
and persevering attitude, adding that though her body had been weak, she was
one of the strongest people he’d known. Mackenna agreed, thinking of all that she
had endured. Soon others moved to the front to recount stories of Alora’s
humor, her generosity and her loving nature.

A slideshow ended the service and Mackenna found herself
smiling through her tears as images of a frothy blonde-haired boy child splashed
through the montage. Images of Natalie appeared as well and Mackenna gasped at
how much she had looked like Alora. Both mother and daughter had been
beautiful.

The lights came on. The preacher directed everyone to the
reception hall of the church for refreshments and a mass of bodies shuffled in
that direction. Mackenna saw Bev McCrae and the woman hurried to her. They
hugged and cried. Grant, Ty and Leslie soon joined them.

“It was so good of you to come,” Bev said emotionally,
squeezing her hand. “Brent’s gonna need you.”

Mackenna looked at Ty. “How is he?”

“You know Brent,” he dismissed. “He’s holding it all in.
He’s fighting it.”

Ty nodded toward the front of the church. There, sitting on
his own while bodies went past, was Brent. His head was bowed and Mackenna’s
heart clenched. She squeezed Bev’s hand and the women exchanged a knowing look.

“I’ll see you guys later,” she said and they all nodded
before making their way to the hall.

She waited until the crowd thinned and as the last few
bodies left the church, she headed slowly down the center aisle. The clacking
of her dress boots echoed off of the wooden pews, but Brent did not look up.
She studied him from behind. His hair was as short as the last time she saw it.
She could tell from his profile that he hadn’t shaved in days.

She rounded the bench and came to a quiet stop when she was at
his side. He didn’t move so she sat down. His hands were lying on his lap, his
eyes fixed on the floor. He looked frozen. Her hand reached out to grab his and
his fingers curled instantly around hers. She watched and waited. After a long
moment a single tear slid out of the corner of his eye and ran down his cheek.

Her face twisted in grief to see him in such a state and she
wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his head to her chest. He bent
willingly and his arms went around her waist. She felt the full rise of his
chest as he sucked in a deep breath and let his emotions spill quietly onto her
shirt. There was no noise, save an occasional sniffling. She said nothing, and
neither did he. They held each other until their eyes and hearts were spent and
the shifting daylight darkened the stained glass window above the altar.

When he finally sat up, his red eyes met hers and he took a
steadying breath as she used her thumbs to wipe away the remnants of his tears
beneath his eyes. He took hold of one of her hands and kissed its palm. She
smiled softy in reply, her entire body filling with warmth to be near him
again, to be touching him.

“You’re here,” he said with tapered surprise in his voice.

“Of course I am,” she said breathlessly. “I wouldn’t be
anywhere else.”

He nodded, biting the inside of his cheek to hold back his
emotions. She rubbed his bicep with her hand.

“Are you ready to face the reception hall?”

He shook his head. “I don’t want to go in there.”

“Then, we won’t,” she answered.

He nodded appreciatively. “Let’s get out of here, Mackenna,”
he pleaded in a whisper.

“I’ll go anywhere you want to go.”

As she said the words, she knew in the depths of her soul
that they were true. They stood as one and as they left the dim church for the
blinding light of a snow-white Montana morn, their hands were clasped tightly
together.

“Do you want me to drive?” she asked him as he led them to
his truck.

“I’m good,” he answered solemnly. “Where’s your car?”

“I wasn’t able to rent one,” she said. “So, I walked.”

He stopped them in mid-stride.
“From
where?”

“I got a room at the Lazy J.”

His eyebrows shot up and he actually smiled. “What? Do you
have a drug deal going down later?” She laughed, and he continued. “That’s the
only reason people stay at the Lazy J.”

“Well, it certainly isn’t for comfort.”

“That’s our first stop then,” he said, holding the passenger
door of his truck open for her. She gave him a confused look. “We need to get
your stuff. You’re not staying there. You’ll stay with me.”

“I’m not going to argue with you,” she quipped. “I think one
cold shower in a Montana winter is enough for me.”

They collected her bag and checked out of the motel and
Mackenna filled the cab of the truck with tales of her days working on her
mother’s ranch since her graduation. She purposefully left out any mention of
Rick, and as they stopped at a gas station so he could grab some drinks, she
worked up the courage to ask him about Leann. Once they were back on the road,
she cleared her throat.

“So, I didn’t see Leann there today,” she said.

“Yeah,” he said morosely. “She wouldn’t have come even if we
were still together. She never did like my mom.”

Mackenna’s pulse sped up. “You’re not with her anymore?”

“No. Not since June.”

“Oh,” she said, but her heart was leaping. A fire she
thought long-banked sparked with new life. The conversation ended there and
within minutes he was pulling into a parking space in an apartment complex.

“Where are we?” she asked, leaning forward to peer out of the
windshield.

“My place,” he answered.

“Are you sure you want to be here right now?”

He eyed the building before him as he thought for a moment. “I’m
going to miss my mom wherever I am,” he said solidly. “At least here I’ll feel
closer to her.” He turned sad eyes onto her. “I don’t want to run away from the
memories. Not the ones with her.”

She showed him that she understood with a nod and they left
the truck, crunching through the snow until he let them into the apartment. A
synthetic Christmas tree stood beside the door, alight and hovering over a
dozen wrapped gifts. The tiny kitchen to her right held a handful of cupboards
and a round table. The living room stretched into a hallway that was too dark
to see down. Brent moved behind her and pulled her jacket off, hanging it on a
peg near the door beside his. He tossed his keys on the kitchen table and stuck
the twelve-pack of beers in the fridge.

“Make
yourself
at home,” he said.
“Do you want one?” He held a beer aloft and she nodded, more out of solidarity
than thirst. He snapped the metal top off and handed her the bottle as she
settled onto the couch in front of the tree. She took a long, icy drink,
finding it rich and flavorful.

“Missoula’s own Moose Drool,” he said, settling on the other
side of the couch. “Love this stuff.”

He still couldn’t believe that she was there, in Montana, in
his apartment, in his life. How did she know about Alora? He didn’t really
care. Whatever force brought her there, he was grateful. He had felt her
presence all throughout the service so strongly that he had looked back into
the crowd several times. He never saw her, though, and had begun to believe he
was imagining her. When the church had emptied and an echo of boot heels approached,
he knew it was her. Then, she took his hand and a stream of warmth traveled
through him, melting the coldness he had forced there and before he could stop
them the tears came. Her presence shattered the loneliness and the fear of
grief holding him in shadow.

She had changed since Ty’s wedding. Her face was careworn
with mature lines and angles. Her hair had grown to the middle of her back and
had been dried straight with layers tapering up in the front to just below her
chin. She was more beautiful than he remembered, but something seemed off. She
was slimmer, and the thinness coupled with the new lines of her face did not
speak of a woman happily engaged. One glance at her ring finger told him that
she was either hiding her status or that it had changed.

“So, what made you take time off of school?” he asked. “I
thought you were hell-bent on becoming a vet as quickly as humanly possible.”

Mackenna gulped in mid-swig at his question. She didn’t know
how to answer it.
 

“Um…my mom…uh…”

He listened and watched as she hedged, and he saw the exact
moment in her eyes when she decided to offer the truth.

“I got engaged,” she admitted, “and my fiancé wanted to
finish his degree before we moved for my degree.”

It sounded shallow and sheepish to say out loud given the
total lack of love she had for Rick. She cringed hearing the words come from
her mouth.

“He must be quite a guy,” Brent mused sarcastically, “for
you to give up so much for him.” Jealous anger roared to life inside of him. It
wasn’t as though this was the first time he’d heard of her fiancé, but somehow
Mackenna’s presence made his love and possession of her more intense. He
thought that talking about her engagement might lead to the subject of his love
for her, but all he felt was bitterness and jealousy, and it showed in his
tone.

Mackenna flinched at the harshness of his voice. It was
biting. It was accusing. She’d heard it enough in Rick’s voice to recognize it.
It was almost…jealous. The very idea set her nerves on edge. What reason would
he have to be angry or jealous of her and Rick? He’d passed her up years ago.

“Well,” she answered defensively, “If you are committed to
someone there’s no sacrifice too big.”

“If you really love someone, you wouldn’t ask them to give
up something that important.”

“What makes you think he asked me?”

“Because the Mackenna I know wouldn’t give up her dream for
anybody,” he said solidly.

Mackenna’s eyes widened, wounded. When she spoke her voice
was no more than a whisper. “I can’t believe you think that of me.”

“What? That you’re driven? That you’re determined and
focused more than anybody I’ve ever met? These are compliments, Mackenna. Don’t
act like I’ve insulted you.”

“I’m insulted that you think I would let something like
school come between me and the man I love.”

Brent’s heart dropped on site. There it
was,
the truth he was looking for. She really was lost to him. As a fresh layer of
emotional pain peeled open inside of him he couldn’t help but think back to the
day she told him that she had loved him. He clamped his teeth together and
slowly shut his eyes, choking back the regret living so strongly within. When
his eyes opened again, she was studying him.