Big Sky Eyes (19 page)

Chapter 30

Brent felt the news like a sledgehammer to his gut. He knew
a sudden urge to vomit and almost dropped the phone, slamming on his breaks in
front of the red light he’d nearly missed. The adrenaline sent his pulse
bouncing between the walls of his throat and he pressed the phone closer to his
ear.

“I’m sorry,” he said to Ty. “Did I hear you right?”

“If you heard me say that Mackenna is engaged then you heard
me right.”

Brent shook his head, his mouth unable to say what his heart
was screaming. She couldn’t be engaged. She was in love with him. She said so
herself. Who cares if that was a year ago? She couldn’t have gotten over him,
met and fallen in love with someone else in that short amount of time. She just
couldn’t have. He realized that Ty was still on the line, waiting silently as
always.

“Thanks, Ty,” he said calmly. “I’m going to let you go.”

They hung up and Brent tossed his phone onto the seat, his
thoughts racing around his head faster than he could comprehend. This couldn’t
be happening. How cruel of fate to tamper with their hearts that way. How cruel
to have Mackenna suffer her love for him only to have it dissipate the second
he was sure he could return it. The unfairness of it all settled inside his
chest until the truth spat it back out.

This was more than fair. Mackenna had spent two years of her
life aching for him. It was only right that he did the same. If she had found
happiness with someone else, who was he to begrudge her that? He had been selfish,
stubborn and careless with her, and the price he would pay was to lose her
completely.

He pulled into his parking spot and made his way numbly to
his kitchen table. Alora was nowhere in sight so he buried his face in his
hands, passing weary breaths through the cracks in his fingers. His chest hurt
with restrained emotion. Without thinking, he pulled his wallet from his back
pocket and reached for what had become his source of comfort in recent months.

The photograph had been folded and unfolded so many times
that permanent creases snaked across Mackenna’s black and white face. Brent
studied her features, wondering if he would ever see her smile at him like that
again. If she had found someone else, he knew the answer to that question. How
foolish he had been to let his anger control him at a time when he should have
listened to his heart. Mackenna had given him the opportunity to love her back.
Even after she confessed her love she had paused, waiting for him to offer his.

He scolded himself once again. He should have reacted
differently. He should have said something to reassure her, to soothe her. He
should have done something that would have stopped her from running away and
cutting him out of her life. His heart clutched in his chest as a solid lump
formed in his throat. He should have told her that he loved her.

He felt a cool hand on his shoulder and he laid his own on
top of it. He hadn’t even heard his mother wheel down the hallway toward him.
She must have sensed his heartache. He had apologized for shouting at her that
night at the wedding, but since then they’d not spoken once of Mackenna.

“Go to her, Brent,” Alora said softly behind him.

“She’s engaged, Mom,” he said, feeling the words stick in
his dry mouth.

“Then, this is your last chance,” her voice soothing. “Go to
her.”

He loved his mother and the support she always gave him, but
he had been selfish with Mackenna in the past, and he wouldn’t do that to her
again. If she was in love and happy with someone else, he wouldn’t selfishly
ruin it. He would respect that she no longer wanted him in her life.

His eyes blurred slightly, overcome by too many emotions at
once.

“I can’t, Mom,” he said quietly.

As soon as her parents pulled away from her apartment, she
whirled around and slapped Rick hard across the face. Her palm stung and she
shook it until the tingling subsided. Rick stared at her, aghast.

“What the hell was that for?” he hissed angrily.

“How dare you do that to me?”

“What? Propose to the woman I love?”

“You know what I’m talking about,” she returned. “I did not
say that I would marry you. I was agreeing to us talking about it later.”

“Well, we
are
talking about it later.”

“Yes, but now you’ve made everyone think that we’re getting
married!”

“But we are getting married,” he said.

“We are NOT getting married.” She pulled the ring off of her
finger and handed it to him, but he refused to take it.

“I don’t understand why you’re so mad. I love you. You love
me. People get married when they’re in love.”

Mackenna stared at him as if he’d gone crazy. She had never
told him that she was in love with him. He had told her often enough, but she
had never returned the sentiments that she knew she didn’t feel.

“Rick,” she moaned as if she were talking to someone
dimwitted. “What I said was that it was too fast. I’m not ready to get married
yet.”

“We don’t have to get married yet,” he said. “We can have as
long an engagement as you like.”

“I don’t even know if I want to be engaged, either, Rick.”

His brown eyes brightened as worry stretched his features. “I
don’t want to lose you, Mackenna.”

“What are you talking about? Lose me to what? What’s wrong
with just dating?”

“You’re going to go away and leave me. There’s no vet school
here so you’re going to have to go somewhere. You haven’t even told me where
you’re planning on going. What else am I supposed to think but that you don’t
want to be with me anymore?”

Tears glistened in his eyes and Mackenna felt her anger
crumbling in response. She sighed.

“Rick, I haven’t told you where I’m going yet, because I
don’t know,” she said gently. “I’ve applied to several different schools, but I
haven’t heard back yet. I wasn’t keeping anything from you. In fact, I only
applied to schools that are a few hours’ drive away. It’s not like I’m planning
on going across the country.”

“But I’m already a year into dentistry here,” he returned.
“Two years left and I’m done. You’ll have at least four years to study.”

“So, what are you saying?”

“I’m asking if you can wait until I’m done with my
certifications before you leave. Then, we can leave together and I can actually
work wherever you want to study.”

Mackenna flinched, her spine straightening. “You want me to
put off my career for two years?”

“Maybe not two years,” he said hurriedly. “I may be able to
complete a year earlier if I study really hard and load myself up with courses.
If you stay here, you can tutor me and help me finish early.
Just
a year.
That’s all I’m asking.”

The emotional desperation in his voice was the only thing
keeping Mackenna calm. She had pushed through her studies so hard to be able to
become a vet sooner, not later, and he was asking her to give that up.

“I’ve accommodated your schooling in this relationship,” he
said. “Ever since we met, even before we started dating, I’ve never complained
about how many courses you’re taking, or how much time you spend away from me
so you can study. I’ve never asked anything of you. But I love you, and I know
that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Long-distance relationships
don’t work. I just know that if you leave, we’ll be done. I can’t bear that
thought. Just give me one year, and then I promise we will go wherever you
want.”

Mackenna’s breathing grew heavier as she tried to steady her
world, which seemed to be spinning rapidly out of control. Give up schooling
for a whole year, possibly two?
For Rick?
Was she at
that point in their relationship?

“I need to think about it, Rick,” she said sincerely. “I
need some time alone tonight.”

He nodded, relieved that she hadn’t outright refused. He
took a step toward her and brought his arms to rest around her waist. She let
him hold her, but it didn’t bring her comfort. He cupped the bottom of her chin
and lifted her face so he could look at her.

“We have our whole lives ahead of us,” he said intimately.
“A year or two is just a speck. If you’re sure that you want me in your future,
just as I am sure that I want you, then let’s plan it together. All I ask is
that you take some time and think about where I fit in your life. There’s no
rush to get married, but if you look ahead and you see me there, please keep
the ring on your finger. If not, I’ll take it back and we’ll go our separate
ways. If you don’t know by now, you never will and I’d rather have my heart
broken today than tomorrow.”

His eyes were so full of love that she knew she had some
real soul-searching to do. She nodded and he gave her a light kiss that she
returned sincerely. He ran the back of his knuckles softly down her cheek, and
then departed with a smile.

Mackenna went into her apartment and sat down at her
computer desk, massaging her temples. He had drawn a line in the sand. She
either needed to put her career on hold and become engaged or break up with
him. She didn’t want to do either. Six months was such a short time together.
It was not enough time to determine whether she wanted to be with him forever.

Her eyes strayed to the bed. They had spent countless
evenings cuddling in it, kissing in it, watching TV in it, chatting in it.
Still, whenever she looked at it the first memory to appear in her mind was the
one night she spent with Brent in it. The memory challenged her former
thoughts. It had taken far less than six months for her to decide that she
wanted Brent forever.
 

She admitted that she didn’t feel that way about Rick, but
she also truly believed that she would never feel that way about anyone again.
The love she had borne Brent was pure and unblemished, an innocent and thorough
first love. She had trusted him with her heart completely only to have it given
back to her in shreds. She knew she would never give herself to someone that
completely again.

If that were the case why not marry Rick? If this was all
she was ever going to give or feel for someone, what was the point in putting
off a commitment? Rick treated her decently enough. He made her laugh more than
he annoyed her. True, his impulsiveness and erratic emotions could tire her,
but that just meant he was passionate. Perhaps his passion would set her body
aflame like Brent’s had, if she’d just let it.

She thought of the way Rick looked at her and she saw
herself looking at Brent. Rick loved her like she had loved Brent. She knew the
devastating heartbreak he would feel if she refused him. She remembered that
pain all too well, and she couldn’t fathom putting someone else through it.
 

As far as putting off her schooling, well that thought
bothered her more than being engaged. Her work with animals was the only part
of her that felt familiar and good. She had changed so much in the past few
years, her character twisted by her emotions, and she was becoming someone she
hadn’t envisioned.

On the other hand, if she did stay for another year she
could move back home and help her mother out with the horses. The thought
brightened her mood considerably. Perhaps there was something positive in this
conundrum after all. It would be good for her to leave her apartment anyway. It
held too many memories of tears and despair, memories of hot kisses and warm
caresses, memories of rejection and loneliness.

Throughout her relationship with Rick, she’d not once gone
to his place. He always claimed it was too dirty from his roommates. He
preferred the coziness and privacy of her apartment, but she never felt
comfortable with him there. Too many times her thoughts strayed to Brent. She
saw him in her bathroom, brushing his teeth. She saw him on her steps with daisies
in hand. She saw him bare-chested in his black jogging pants. Always, he was
there, like a phantom spying on her as she allowed Rick to run his hands over
her body and kiss her. Perhaps if she were with Rick away from this place, she
would let herself love him.

Her head was pounding. She needed a distraction. She signed
onto the Internet to browse the headlines. Her breath caught. He was there. For
a year, her eyes had gone reflexively to his name in her chat box, but always
with an empty circle beside it, signaling that he was not signed on. Now, of
all nights to appear, that tiny circle filled with green. He was a few clicks
away.

She stared long at his name, her heartbeat dancing in her
ears. In her fingers, the cold metal of the engagement ring burned until she
raised it to the level of her eyes. The diamond was small and glinting like the
ice that forms over new fallen snow. For several minutes she looked between it
and the highlighted name on her computer.

He double-clicked on her name, opening a fresh chat box and
from there his fingers froze.
 
Anything
he might say seemed trite and meaningless. He could tell her that he was happy
for her, but it was a lie. He was heartsick bordering on rage. He determined
that he would not interfere, but he’d be damned if he’d give his blessing. No,
the best thing he could do for Mackenna was
ignore
her
and let her live her happy life. He moved the mouse to the X of the window, and
after a long breath he clicked on it, signing off and closing the box.

Mackenna watched the light go out and sighed. This was the
way things were with Brent. One minute he was there and
close
enough to reach out to. The next minute, he was gone altogether. Even as the
familiar ache thrummed once again in her chest, she signed off of the computer
and slid the ring onto her finger.

Chapter 31

Two weeks passed since Mackenna had made up her mind, and
the pace of life quickened to a beat that made her breathless. In two days, she
was moved from her apartment back into her parents' home. Rick busily haunted
every apartment complex on the south side of town, searching for a new place
just to be as near to her as possible. Urgency was the prevailing mood in their
lives, though she didn’t know exactly what they were all rushing for.

Champagne fizzled just as urgently in her glass as she held
it aloft during her father’s speech. Her parents had gathered a small engagement
party to celebrate her ascension into domesticity. The way her father spoke,
Makckenna felt like she had foregone her own career aspirations permanently.
His lofty pride and praise was dispensed wholly on Rick and his soon-to-be
epithet of “Doctor.”

She sipped a little, but ultimately ended up leaving her
glass on an empty tray, and as the party was erupting within, she slipped out
into the perfect Washoe Valley summer evening. Stars sprinkled overhead. The
evening air was balmy and refreshing. Familiar scents beckoned her to walk
along the pasture fence and the horses whinnied at her presence. Even they
wouldn’t waste such a glorious night indoors.

She made her way to Tip’s stall. The horse was anxious for
attention and nuzzled her caretaker happily. Mackenna rested her head against
the
horse’s
and thought back on the conversation she’d
had with Leslie on her wedding day. All she had cared about was marrying Ty.
Mackenna willed herself to feel the same toward Rick.

Suddenly, he was there. His eyes were alight with drink, his
body poised and purposeful and she swallowed. She knew what he had followed her
for, what he was after. She also knew that if she were committed to living a
life with this man, she could not withhold her body any longer.

He strode up to her, his hand unsteadily seeking to caress
her face but hampered by the amount of champagne roiling in his blood. She helped
his hindered state and stepped closer, pressing her face into his floating
hand. His fingers traced the outline of her jaw and then made their way down
her throat. Mackenna waited as he hesitantly brushed his palm over her breasts.

No fire started. No excitement burst forth.

He closed the gap between them and began fervently thrusting
his tongue into her mouth. She tried to match his desperate pace but could not
and so rested her tongue as his assaulted it. His hands moved up her sides,
wanting to touch her flesh, but too afraid to dive beneath her shirt. She took
a step back and removed the garment to ease his torture.

His eyes were burning embers as he slowly eased her down
onto a bed of straw. He removed his own shirt, revealing a trim and thin chest
she’d seen before. He wasted no time lying atop her. As she struggled for
breath, he struggled to free his erection from his jeans. One forearm rested
above her head, pinning her hair tightly enough that she tried to shift her
weight to release it.

Once his own body was free, he struggled with the buttons of
her jeans. With shaky fingers, she reached down and loosened her pants.
Shimmying out of them, she ignored the voice in the back of her head that said
that it didn’t feel right. She scolded herself, asking what the hell “right” was
anyway.

Rick needed no further prompting. He was braced on his
elbows, clumsily trying to guide his member inside of her body. Once he gained
entry, he took a few solid thrusts to penetrate the symbol of her virginity and
Mackenna winced against the intrusion. His body stiffened as much as hers, but
where she stilled, he pressed. Over and over again he ground against her newly
torn and sensitive flesh, grunting like a saw against a wooden beam.

Mackenna gritted her teeth against the raw invasion chafing
and searing her, willing a passionate response, desperate to feel a fraction of
what she knew she could feel. It never came. When Rick had spent himself on the
stiff straws of hay beneath them, he collapsed atop her, panting and sweating.
All Mackenna wanted was to roll him off of her and run away.

She felt no closer to him than she had before. She felt no
connection of their souls or hearts. Her body felt sore and tender, her emotions
cocked and held back. Rick had allowed himself to expire afterwards, and
without regard to her comfort fell into an easy sleep on top of her. Once she
noticed the heavy rhythm of his breathing, she sucked in a deep breath. Before
she could control or stop them, a flood of tears poured quietly from her eyes
and down her cheeks.
  

The ice cubes in his empty glass were a glossy golden color
as he held the tumbler aloft and tilted it back and forth in the low-lighting
of the bar. Actually, “bar” was a bit too modern word for this place. It was a
relic from the nineteenth century that could be described as nothing more than
wooden. Wooden and weathered, just like the men who drank there. In fact, the
running joke was that if the regulars of The Shed were not such pricks
themselves, they might actually feel the splinters they sat on. Such was the
company in this cold, Montana town.

The bartender took his cue from the raised glass and
promptly refilled it with the dark amber rot gut that so many switch to once
their taste buds numb enough to be able to distinguish between top shelf and
well. For Brent, whiskey was whiskey, and it only served one purpose: to wipe
out any emotion and replace it with a warm and brilliant blur. To Brent,
whiskey was not for sipping, for savoring or any other pretentious use. There
was a reason it burned you through.

That is why when Ty found him so deep into his cups at a bar
he never went to, drinking a drink he never drank in celebration, he sidled
noiselessly onto the stool beside him and ordered the same. There they sat,
drinking in quiet solidarity until Brent ground his teeth together in
frustration.

“You know, I hate when you do that, Ty,” he said before
raising his glass to his lips.

“What’s that, Brent?” unaffected.

“Sit there all smug, sure that if you just keep your mouth
shut long enough, I’ll bare my soul to you or something.”

In answer, Ty took a sip and lightly smacked his lips together.
He kept his gaze fixed forward and said nothing. Brent stared hard at his
friend’s profile for a long moment before he snorted and shook his head.

“Suit
yourself
, Ty,” he said with
mild disgust. “I didn’t come here wanting to talk to anybody and I didn’t ask
you to join me. If you think I’m going to make some big confession or something
just because you’re here now, you’re wrong pal. “

He received no reply, fueling his drunken anger.

“What the hell are you good for anyway?” Brent continued.
“You are the worst conversationalist. You know, if you want to talk with
someone, you actually have to
talk
.”

Ty took another silent sip.

“You’re a son of a bitch, you know?” Brent sputtered,
knowing full-well that his rebellion was crumbling.
“Fine!
You want to sit quietly? I’ll keep my mouth shut, but just do
me
a favor and finish your drink and get the hell out of
here, will ya?”

Ty tipped the glass and emptied it into the back of his
throat.

“Finally,” Brent muttered. “Now go.”

Ty lifted his glass and caught the attention of the
bartender. “Another if you please,
Keep
.”

Brent huffed and once both of their glasses were full, he
lowered his forehead to his balled fist where it rested on the counter. He
pinched his eyes shut and heaved a defeated sigh. He couldn’t see it, but he
knew that Ty’s straight mouth had now tilted into a triumphant and lopsided
grin. This was their way. They had been friends since childhood. They were
similar in the ways that mattered and exact opposites in the ways that best
suited. Brent knew he’d never find a finer friend, and Ty felt the same.

Brent raised himself and propped his elbows on the bar so he
could rub the alcohol from his eyes with drunken fingers. He grunted and felt
instantly remorseful for his tone and words.
 
The man was the only friend he’d ever had. Well, not the only one.

“Ah, hell, Ty,” he said. “It’s about Mackenna.”

“I know,” Ty said solidly.

“What do you know?” Brent snapped.

“What you’re about to tell me.”

“How could you know?” He would be truly surprised if they were
talking about the same thing.

“Oh, come on, Brent,” he drawled, almost impatiently.
“Everybody knows that you two love each other. Everyone’s known it since your
first summer together. What we all can’t wrap our heads around is how you two
are the only ones blind to it. I never met such a stubborn pair, I swear.”

Brent sat back as though he’d been slapped.

“Well, you sure picked a hell of time to let me in on it,”
he said finally. “If you had said something earlier, you could have saved both
of us a bunch of heartache.”

“Oh, so it’s my fault that you’re in this shithole, knocking
back whiskies and feeling sorry for yourself? It’s not my place to make your
choices for you. Besides, if I had said something before would you have
realized it was the truth?”

Brent stared silently at him. Ty was right. He wouldn’t have
listened to him. Hell, he had spent the last three years trying to convince
himself
that he
didn’t
love her. Once he realized that he did, and actually allowed himself to
feel it, it flooded him completely and irrevocably, bringing with it a broken
heart and regret so potent that it was physically painful.

Brent finished his glass and waved away the bartender when
he made to refill it. He rubbed his eyes while he spoke.

“What would you have done, Ty, if Leslie had fallen for
someone else when she went away to college, like you feared?”

“I would have gone and gotten her back,” he said without
pause.

“But what if she were truly happy with the guy?”

“To be honest, I wouldn’t have even thought that far ahead.
All I would have thought was that she was mine and no one else’s.”
 

“Yeah, that’s easy to say since she didn’t fall for someone
else,” Brent returned wearily.

Ty pressed a comforting hand to the back of Brent’s neck.

“I think it’d be even easier to say if she had.”