Big Girl (2010) (20 page)

They went to Barneys after that, and finally wound up at Saks. And for the following day Gracie had made an appointment with Vera Wang herself. She also wanted to see Oscar de la Renta, but hadn't had time to set it up. Victoria was beginning to realize just how big an event it was. And the Wilkeses were giving a black-tie rehearsal dinner that was going to be bigger and more elaborate than most weddings. So it was going to be a double header in terms of the dresses that they'd need. Gracie said that their mother had already decided to wear beige to the wedding, and emerald green to the rehearsal dinner the night before. She was all set. She had gone to Neiman Marcus, and the personal shopper had found the perfect dresses for her for both events. So Gracie could concentrate on herself.

She didn't like the bridal gowns at Saks either, and made it clear that she was looking for something extraordinary for her wedding. Gracie, the baby sister, had come into her own. Suddenly nothing was special enough for her. Victoria was a little shocked at how determined she was. And Gracie wasn't excited about the bridesmaids' dresses she saw either, and then she gave a gasp when she saw a gown.

"Oh my God," she said with a look of amazement, as though she'd found the holy grail. "That's it! I'd never have thought of that color!" It was without question a spectacular gown, although Victoria couldn't picture it at a wedding, particularly multiplied by ten. Brown was the color of the season going into the fall. It was softer than black, the saleswoman explained to them, and very "warm." The dress that had caught Gracie's attention was a heavy satin strapless gown, with tiny tucks close to the body to just below the hipline, and then it widened into a bell-shaped evening gown to the floor. The workmanship on it was exquisite, and it was a deep chocolate brown. The only trouble with it, from Victoria's perspective, was that only a tiny, wraithlike flat-chested woman could wear it. The place where it stopped hugging the body and flared at the hips would make Victoria's bottom look like the broad side of a barn. It was a dress that only a girl with Gracie's proportions could wear well, and most of her friends looked like her. The sample she was looking at would have been too big for her and was a size four. Victoria didn't want to imagine what it would look like on her even if she lost weight.

"Everyone's going to love it," Gracie exclaimed with a delirious expression. "They can wear it afterward to any black-tie event." The dress was expensive, but it wasn't a problem for most of her bridesmaids, and her father had promised to cover the difference if she found a dress that some of her bridesmaids couldn't afford. The price wasn't the issue for Victoria, since her father was paying for it. The problem was that the dress would look hideous on her. Her breasts and hips were just too large for the style. And to add to her misery as she looked at it, it was the color of bittersweet chocolate, which Victoria just couldn't wear with her fair skin, blue eyes, and pale blond hair.

"I can't wear that dress," she said reasonably to her sister. "I'll look like a mountain of chocolate mousse, with either spelling. Even if I lost fifty pounds. Or maybe a hundred. My chest is too big. And I can't wear that color." Her sister looked at her with imploring eyes.

"It's exactly what I wanted. I just didn't know it. It's a gorgeous gown."

"Yes, it is," Victoria readily agreed with her, "but for someone your size. If you wear that, and I wear the wedding gown, it'll be perfect. That dress will be frightening on me. I'm sure it doesn't even come in my size."

"You can order it in any size," the saleswoman said helpfully. It was an expensive dress, and would have made a handsome sale.

"Can we get ten of them by June?" Gracie asked with a look of panic, totally ignoring her sister's pleas for mercy.

"I'm sure we can. We can probably have them for you by December, if you get me all the sizes." Gracie looked relieved and Victoria near tears.

"Gracie, you can't do that to me. I'll look horrible in that dress."

"No, you won't. You said you want to lose weight anyway."

"I still couldn't wear it. I wear a double-D bra. You have to be built like you to wear that dress." Gracie looked up at her with tears in her eyes, with the same look that had melted her older sister's heart since she was five.

"I'm only getting married once," she said imploringly. "I want everything to be perfect for Harry. I want this to be my dream wedding. Everyone has pink and blue and pastel colors. No one ever even thinks of brown for the bridesmaids. It'll be the most elegant wedding L.A. has ever seen."

"With a maid of honor who looks like an elephant."

"You'll lose weight by then, I know it. You always do when you try."

"That's not the point. I'd have to have surgery to pull this one off." And the tiny tucks of fabric all the way down the long-waisted bodice would only make it worse. Gracie was already planning to have the bridesmaids carry brown orchids to go with the dress. Nothing was going to dissuade her from it, and she placed the order while Victoria stood by wanting to cry. Her sister had just ensured that she would look like a monster at the wedding, while all her tiny anorexic friends would look stylish in the brown strapless gowns. There was no question that the dress was beautiful, but not on Victoria. She gave up trying to dissuade her, and sat silently while Gracie gave the saleswoman the sizes for most of the gowns. They were almost all size fours, except for three size twos. She was going to confirm the rest of the sizes when she got home. She had a look of elation on her face when they left the store. She was almost dancing she was so excited, and Victoria sat in silence in the cab all the way uptown. They stopped at the deli on the way back to the apartment, and without thinking, Victoria put three pints of Haagen-Dazs on the counter. Gracie didn't even notice. She was used to Victoria buying ice cream. She had no idea that Victoria hadn't had any in four months. This was like a recovering alcoholic sidling up to the bar and ordering a vodka on the rocks.

They went back to the apartment, and Gracie called their mother while Victoria unpacked the groceries, just as Harlan walked in. He took one look at the ice cream, pointed at it as though it were on fire, and stared at Victoria in horror and disbelief.

"What's that?"

"She ordered strapless brown gowns for the bridesmaids that I can't wear."

"Then tell her you can't wear it, and to order you something else," he said, taking the ice cream from Victoria's hand and dropping it in the trash. "Maybe the dress isn't as bad as you think."

"It's gorgeous. Just not on me. I can't even wear that color, let alone the shape."

"Tell her," he said firmly, sounding like her shrink.

"I did. She won't listen to me. This is her dream wedding. She's only planning to do it once, and it has to be perfect. For everyone but me."

"She's a nice kid. Explain it to her."

"She's a bride, on a mission. We must have looked at a hundred gowns today. This is going to be the event of the century."

"It won't help anything to blow the diet now," he said, trying to encourage her. It had upset him to see her with the ice cream in her hand. She had been so good until then. And he didn't want her to blow it now over a stupid gown.

Gracie was on the phone by then with all her friends, telling them about the fabulous dress she'd ordered for all of them, and Victoria had a sense of hopelessness as she sat down in the kitchen. She felt like an invisible person again. Gracie wasn't hearing her. It was all about Gracie right now. It was hard to live with, and she was depressed about the dress. She didn't know what to do about it. It was clear that Gracie wasn't going to listen to her, no matter what.

They had dinner with John and Harlan in the kitchen that night, and Gracie told them all the details of the wedding. By the end of the meal, Victoria wanted to throw up.

"Maybe I'm just jealous," she said to Harlan in a whisper after Gracie left the room to call Harry before she went to bed.

"I don't think you are. It's a little much. She's like a kid out of control. Your father is creating a monster, letting her do whatever she wants with the wedding."

"He thinks it makes him look important," Victoria said, still looking depressed. It was the first time in her life that she hadn't enjoyed Gracie's company. So far, the weekend was a catastrophe.

And the next day wasn't much better. Victoria went with her for her appointment with Vera Wang. They looked at a dozen wedding dress possibilities, and finally the designer offered to send her sketches based on what Gracie had said. She was thrilled.

It was afternoon by then, and they went to Serendipity for lunch. Gracie ordered a salad, and Victoria ordered the cheese ravioli, and a frozen mochaccino topped with whipped cream, and ate it all. Gracie saw nothing unusual in what her sister had ordered, because she was used to Victoria eating things like that. And blowing her diet depressed Victoria even more. By the time they got back to the apartment, she was exhausted, depressed, and felt as if she were about to explode. She hadn't eaten anything like that in months, and Harlan could see the guilt on her face.

"What did you do today?"

"I met Vera Wang," she said vaguely.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it. What did you eat for lunch?"

"You don't want to know. I shot my diet all to hell," she said, looking guilty.

"It's not worth it, Victoria," he reminded her. "You've worked too hard for this for the past four months. Don't fuck it up."

"The wedding is making me nervous. I'm suicidal over the dress I have to wear. And my sister is turning into someone I don't know. She shouldn't even be marrying the guy, or anyone, at her age. And he's going to run her life just like my father does. She's marrying our father," she said miserably.

"Let her, if that's what she wants. She's old enough to make her own choice, even if it's a mistake. You can't screw up your life on top of it. That's not going to change anything, except make you miserable. Just forget about the wedding. Wear whatever you have to, get drunk at the wedding, and come home." She laughed at what he said.

"Maybe you have a point. And besides, it's eight months away. Even if the dress is wrong for me I could still lose a lot of weight by then and look good."

"Not if you blow your diet."

"I won't. I'll be good tonight. We're staying home. And she's going back to L.A. tomorrow. I'll be back on the wagon as soon as she leaves."

"No. Now," he reminded her, and went to his own room. Victoria got on the treadmill then, to atone for her sins. And Gracie ordered a pizza from the restaurant whose card was on the fridge. It arrived half an hour later, and was more than Victoria could resist. Gracie ate one piece. And her older sister finished the rest. She wanted to eat the box so Harlan wouldn't see it, but he did. He looked at her as though she had killed someone. And she had. Herself. She was consumed with guilt.

And they went out for lunch the next day before Gracie left. To thank her for her help, Gracie took her to the Carlyle for brunch, and Victoria had eggs Benedict, and when Gracie ordered hot chocolate and little cookies, she couldn't resist them.

Gracie thanked her profusely when she left for the airport, and they hugged each other tight. She said she had had a terrific time, and would keep her posted on the designs from Vera Wang and everything else. Victoria stood on the sidewalk waving to her as the cab pulled away, and as soon as it was out of sight, Victoria burst into tears. From her perspective, the weekend had been an utter and complete disaster, and she felt like a total failure at everything. And on top of it, she was going to look awful at the wedding. She went upstairs, let herself into the apartment, and went to bed, wishing she were dead.

Chapter 18

It was a relief for Victoria to go back to school on Monday. At least it was a world she understood, and where she had some control. She felt as though her sister Gracie was totally out of control with the wedding, and just being around her was depressing these days. And the effect on Victoria had been disastrous. She had gone totally berserk with everything she ate. She had an appointment with Dr. Watson that afternoon after school, and she told her about all of it and how depressed she was.

"I was like a crazy person," she confessed, "eating everything in sight. I haven't eaten like that in years. Or months anyway. I weighed myself this morning, and I put on three pounds."

"You'll lose it again," Dr. Watson reassured her. "Why do you think it happened?" She looked interested and not panicked.

"I felt invisible again, like nothing I said mattered. She's turning into one of them."

"Maybe she always was."

"No, she wasn't. But the guy she's marrying is just like my father. I feel outnumbered now. And the dress she wants me to wear to the wedding will look awful on me."

"Why didn't you speak up?"

"I tried. She wouldn't listen. She ordered it anyway. She's being a terrible brat at the moment."

"That happens to brides sometimes. She sounds completely unreasonable."

"She is. She wants her dream wedding. And she shouldn't be marrying this guy at all. She'll wind up like my mother, and I don't want that to happen to her."

"You can't alter that," the doctor reminded her. "The only person you can control is yourself." Victoria was beginning to understand that, but it was painful to watch Grace become just like their parents. Victoria felt better when she left the psychiatrist's office. She spent an hour on the treadmill when she got home, and then she went to the gym.

Victoria came back at eight o'clock, and she was so exhausted, she went to bed. Gracie had sent her two texts that day, thanking her again. Victoria felt guilty about being so upset about the weekend. Although Gracie had thought it was fabulous, it hadn't been fun for her. She could hardly wait for the wedding to be over, so they could spend some decent time together again. It was going to be a long eight months.

The next day Victoria went to Weight Watchers before she went to work. She confessed her sins to one of the counselors and submitted to the weigh-in. She had already lost two of the pounds she'd gained on the weekend, which was a relief, and she was back on track again.

She taught three classes back to back before lunch, and she was just leaving her classroom and heading for her office, when she saw one of her students crying in the hall. The girl had a look of despair on her face, and she darted into the ladies' room when she saw Victoria coming, which worried her. She followed her inside and found her in the bathroom alone.

"Are you okay?" Victoria asked her cautiously. The girl's name was Amy Green, she was a good student, and Victoria knew from the grapevine that the girl's parents were getting divorced.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Amy said, dissolving into tears again. Victoria handed her several tissues, and Amy blew her nose and looked embarrassed.

"Is there anything I can do?" The girl shook her head, speechless with despair. "Do you want to come to my office for a few minutes, or go for a walk?" Amy hesitated, and then nodded. Victoria had always been nice to her, and Amy thought she was "cool."

Her office was only a few doors away, and Amy followed her. Victoria closed the door as soon as Amy walked in, and she waved her to a chair. Victoria poured some bottled water into a glass and handed it to her, while Amy dissolved into uncontrollable sobs again. Things weren't looking good. Victoria sat quietly waiting for her to calm down. And then finally Amy looked at her in utter terror.

"I'm pregnant," she sobbed. "I didn't even know. I just found out yesterday." And it was easy to guess who the boy was. She had been dating the same one for two years, and he was a nice kid. They were both graduating in June. It suddenly pushed all thoughts of her sister's wedding from Victoria's mind.

"Have you told your mom yet?" Victoria asked quietly, handing her more tissues.

"I can't. She'll kill me. She's upset about the divorce." Her father had left for another woman, and Victoria had heard rumors about it. "And now this. I don't know what to do."

"Does Justin know?"

Amy nodded. "We just went to the doctor. We used a condom, and it broke. And I stopped taking the Pill because it made me sick."

"Shit," Victoria said, and Amy laughed through her tears.

"You can say that again."

"Okay, shit." This time they both laughed, although it was no laughing matter. "Do you know what you want to do about it?" It was a decision she would have to make with her parents, but Victoria could listen.

"I don't know. I'm too young to have a baby. But I don't want to have an abortion. Will they kick me out of school?" She looked panicked, and was suddenly sorry she had told her.

"I don't know," Victoria said honestly. In her seven years at the school, she had never dealt with this before. She knew other students had gotten pregnant, and she had heard about it, but she had never been in the front lines or the first to know. Those things were usually handled by the counseling staff, the dean of students, or the headmaster. She was just an English teacher, even if she was the head of the department. But she was a woman and could relate to this young girl, although it had never happened to her. And she hated not to have Amy graduate. She had a real shot at Yale or Harvard, and all the first-rate schools she had applied to. "Maybe we can work something out." She knew they had never allowed a pregnant student to attend classes. "I think you need to talk to your mom first."

"It'll kill her."

"No, it won't. Things like this happen, to lots of people. You just have to find the right solution, whatever that is. That's up to you and your mom. Do you want me to talk to her with you?"

"No. I think she'd be mad I told you first," Amy said with a sigh, and took a sip of the water. She had calmed down. But she had some tough decisions to make. She was seventeen years old, and had a bright future ahead of her, without a baby. With one, it would be a lot harder. "Justin said he'd talk to her with me. He wants me to keep it, and maybe we can get married one day." She looked sad as she said it. She didn't feel ready for a baby, or marriage, but the alternative sounded worse to her.

Victoria jotted her cell phone number down on a piece of paper and handed it to her. "Call me anytime, at any hour. I'll do anything I can to help. And if you talk to Mr. Walker, maybe I can help out there." She didn't want her to get kicked out or suspended. She wanted her to finish school, which was what Amy wanted too.

They left her office together a few minutes later, and Victoria gave her a hug before Amy went to find Justin in the cafeteria. And she saw them leave school together after lunch. She hoped she was going home to see her mother. And the following day she didn't come to school. And then Amy called her. She said they were meeting with Mr. Walker that afternoon after school, and she asked Victoria to be there. She agreed to do it, and she was waiting outside his office when Amy and her mother arrived. Amy looked as if she'd been crying, and her mother looked bleak. Amy smiled as soon as she saw Victoria, and her mother thanked her for coming.

The headmaster was expecting them, and stood up as soon as they walked into the room. He looked surprised to see Victoria, and invited them all to sit down. He looked concerned. He hadn't heard of any problem Amy was having at school, and he had no idea why they were there. He assumed it was something to do with the divorce, and hoped she wasn't changing schools. She was an excellent student, and they would be sorry to lose her if she did. He looked startled when Mrs. Green told him that Amy was pregnant. He looked instantly sorry for her. It wasn't the first time this had happened, but it was always a tough situation for the student and the school. Mrs. Green said the baby was due in May. And then she amazed Victoria and the headmaster by saying that Amy had decided to keep it. Her mother was going to take care of the baby when Amy went to college in the fall. She had applied to Barnard and NYU, and could stay home with the baby. Amy's mother was being very supportive about it, and Amy looked less upset than she had two days before.

"What we need to know," Mrs. Green said as calmly as she could, "is if Amy can stay at school here, or if we have to remove her from the school." It was one of their biggest fears at the moment and would probably impact whether she went to college if her senior year were completely disrupted.

"Amy, how would you feel about being here?" the headmaster asked her directly. "Would that be too hard on you, with everyone talking and aware of your situation?"

"No. Since I'm keeping the baby anyway." She smiled gratefully at her mother, and Victoria could see that it hadn't been an easy decision, but she thought they had made the right one. She thought having the baby and giving it up would be a huge mistake and much more traumatic to Amy than the adjustments she would have to make now. And if her mother was willing to help, she could go on with her life. "I'd rather stay here," Amy said honestly, and the headmaster nodded. He had never allowed a pregnant student to stay in school, but he didn't want to destroy her academic career either. He had a responsibility to her as well as the other students. He was trying to figure out how soon it would show.

"I could put you on independent study, but the college that accepts you might not like it. When is the baby due again?"

"The first of May," Amy told him.

"We have a long break in April for spring vacation," he said, thinking out loud. "That will take us to the end of April. What if you stay until spring vacation, and stay home after that to have the baby? Then you can come back to school by the end of May to take final exams and graduate with your class in June. It won't disrupt you too badly academically, and I think we can make it work here. I've had students stay out longer with mono. And I don't want you to blow senior year. This will be a first for us, but we can live with it if you can," he said, looking at both of them, and Amy nodded and started to cry again. She was so relieved. Victoria hadn't said a word, but she had been there to support her. Amy's mother thanked the headmaster profusely, and they left the room a few minutes later. Justin was waiting for them outside, looking worried. Amy smiled at him the minute they came out, and he put his arms around her as her mother and Victoria watched. He was very sweet to her and very protective, and Victoria was hopeful for them both. Maybe things would work out, with her mother's help.

"They're letting me stay," Amy told Justin, beaming. "Mr. Walker was really nice. I'll stay till spring vacation and come back after the baby for final exams and graduation." Justin looked like a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders too. They were both really good kids, and everyone was committed to help them.

"Thank you," Justin said to Victoria and Amy's mother.

"I didn't do anything," Victoria corrected immediately, and Amy intervened.

"Yes, you did. You listened to me the other day, and helped me get up the courage to tell my mom. We went to see her right after I saw you."

"I'm glad," Victoria said quietly. "I think you've all made some good decisions, and some very challenging ones, I'm sure." There was no ideal resolution, but this was the best they could all do.

"Thank you for your support," Amy's mother said to Victoria in a choked voice, and the three of them left the school a few minutes later to go home.

It made Victoria think of her sister. She was glad nothing like that had ever happened to her. She knew it could happen to anyone. And Mrs. Green was being particularly understanding about it. Amy and Justin were handling it well too, and being very brave. She was still thinking about them when she went home that night. Amy came to Victoria's classroom to thank her again the next day. Justin was glued to her side, as he had been for two years, and Amy looked better than she had in days. It was going to be an interesting school year with a pregnant student in their midst. And as the headmaster had said, it was a first. Victoria couldn't help thinking that there was never a dull moment with kids.