Big Girl (2010) (18 page)

They talked for a long time on the flight, and then finally drifted off to sleep. They both woke up as they were landing in New York. It was sad to think that the trip was over. The time together had been magical, and they looked at each other and smiled nostalgically as they landed. They were both thinking that they wished they could start the trip all over again.

It took them an hour to get their bags and get through customs, and another hour to get into the city in a cab. By the time they pulled up in front of Victoria's building, Rome, Venice, London, and Paris felt like they were a lifetime away.

"I want to go back!" Gracie said mournfully as Victoria let them both into the apartment. It was a weekend, and everyone was away, and they had the place to themselves.

"So do I," Victoria said as she read a note from Harlan, welcoming her home. He had left some groceries in the fridge so she could cook Gracie breakfast. And Victoria put their bags in her bedroom. It felt strange coming home.

They went to bed early that night, after calling their parents to say that they had arrived safely. Gracie was always good about that, and didn't want them to worry. She had never gone through a rebellious phase and sometimes Victoria wished she had. It might have been healthier than being so close to their parents. She hoped that now Gracie would find some independence in college, but she had a feeling they'd be wanting her to come home all the time. It made Victoria glad that she had gone to Northwestern, but they had never been as attached to her. And Gracie was their baby.

The next morning Victoria made French toast for breakfast, then they took the subway to SoHo, and walked around among the street vendors, shoppers, and tourists. The streets were jammed, and they had lunch at a little sidewalk cafe. But it was nothing like Europe, and they both agreed that they wished they were back in Venice. It had been the high point of their trip. And Victoria was proudly wearing the beautiful gold bracelet Gracie had given her.

They spent Sunday at a concert in Central Park, and had dinner after Gracie packed again. Victoria had already put all her things away. And the two girls sat talking at the kitchen table late into the night. The others weren't due back till Monday, and the following weekend was the Fourth of July weekend. Gracie had a million plans in L.A., and Victoria had none in New York. Harlan and John were going to Fire Island, and Bunny to Cape Cod.

Victoria took her sister to the airport the next morning, and both girls cried. It was the end of a beautiful trip, a wonderful shared time, and Victoria felt as though someone had torn her heart out after Gracie left, and she took the shuttle back into the city. Gracie texted Victoria before the flight took off. "Best vacation of my whole life, and you're the best sister. I love you forever. G." There were tears in Victoria's eyes when she read the message, and when she got back to her apartment, she called Dr. Watson. She was glad to hear that the doctor had an opening that afternoon.

Victoria was happy to see her, and told her about the trip. She commented on how easy Gracie had been, how much fun they had had, she showed her the bracelet on her arm, and laughed when she told her about the men who had followed Gracie around in Italy.

"And what about you?" the doctor asked her quietly. "Who followed you around?"

"Are you kidding? Given the choice between me and Gracie, who do you think they'd follow?"

"You're a good-looking woman too," Dr. Watson confirmed. She could hear how much Victoria had done for her younger sister, and hoped that she had gotten enough emotional sustenance for herself in return.

"Gracie is gorgeous. But I worry about how close she is to my parents," Victoria admitted to her doctor. "I don't think it's healthy. They're nicer to her than they ever were to me, but they stifle her, they treat her like a possession. My father fills her head with all his ideas. She needs her own."

"She's young. She'll get there," the shrink said philosophically. "Or maybe she won't. She may be more like them than you think. That may be comfortable for her."

"I hope not," Victoria said, and the psychiatrist agreed, but also knew that it didn't always work out that way. And not everyone was as brave as Victoria, breaking free and moving to New York.

"And what about you? Where are you heading these days, Victoria? What are your goals?"

She laughed at the question. She often laughed when she really wanted to cry. It was less scary that way. "Get skinny and have a life. Meet a man who loves me, and whom I love too." She had gained weight on the trip, and wanted to lose it over the rest of the summer.

"What are you doing to make that happen?" the psychiatrist asked quietly about the man Victoria hoped to meet.

"Nothing right now. I just got back this weekend. It's not that easy to meet people. Everyone I know is married, in a relationship, or gay."

"Maybe you need to branch out a little bit, and try some new things. Where are you these days about your weight?" She was usually either on a diet or in deep despair.

"I ate a lot of pasta in Italy and croissants in Paris. I guess I have to pay the piper now." She had bought a book about the latest popular diet before she left on the trip and hadn't read it yet. "It's always a fight." Something was stopping her from losing the weight she wanted to. And yet she was always sure that on the other side of the weight rainbow stood the man of her dreams.

"You know, you might find someone one of these days who loves you just the way you are. You don't have to go on a crash diet to find someone. Keeping trim is good for your health. But your love life doesn't have to depend on it."

"No one is going to love me if I'm fat," she said glumly. It was the message her father had given her for years, almost in the form of a curse.

"That's not true," the psychiatrist said calmly. "Someone who loves you will love you fat, thin, or any shape." Victoria didn't answer, and it was obvious she didn't believe what Dr. Watson had said. She knew better. There were no men pounding down her door, stopping her on the street to beg for her phone number, or asking her for dates. "You can always go back to the nutritionist. That worked for you pretty well." And they had discussed Weight Watchers many times, but she never got there. She said she was too busy.

"Yeah, I guess I'll call her in a few weeks." She wanted to settle in first. But she wanted to lose some weight before she went back to school. She was in her bigger clothes again after the trip. She talked about her trip again then, and the hour was over. As she walked outside, she had the feeling again that she was stuck. Her life was going nowhere. And she bought herself an ice cream cone on the way home, and told herself what difference did it make anyway. She would start dieting seriously tomorrow.

Harlan and John were home when she got in, and so was Bunny. They were happy to see her, and they had dinner together that night when Bunny got back from the gym. John had made a big bowl of pasta and lobster salad, both of which were irresistible. Harlan could see that she had gained weight, but he didn't say anything. They were just happy to be together again, and Bunny told her she was engaged and showed them her ring. She was getting married the following spring. It didn't come as a surprise to any of them, and Victoria was happy for her.

Gracie had texted her earlier to let her know that she had gotten home, and she called Victoria that night before she went to bed. She said their parents had taken her out to dinner, and she was going to Malibu with friends the next day. She had a busy summer ahead. And Victoria went to sleep dreaming of Venice, sitting in the gondola next to Gracie under the Bridge of Sighs. And then she dreamed of the risotto milanese they'd eaten at Harry's Bar.

The rest of the summer went by too quickly. Victoria spent the Fourth of July weekend at a bed and breakfast in the Hamptons with Helen and a group of single female teachers from Madison. She went to Maine with Harlan and John in August. There were some blisteringly hot days in New York where she did nothing but lie around. It was too hot to go jogging, so she went to the gym once in a while. It was a token effort, but she wasn't in the mood. She was sad after Gracie left following their trip. They'd had such a good time together. Victoria really missed her, and was lonely without her. She went to one Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and never went back.

And as she had promised, she flew out to California for the weekend to help Gracie settle into her dorm room at USC. It was a day of chaos, bittersweet memories, and tears of hello and goodbye. Victoria helped her unpack, while their father set up her stereo and computer, and their mother neatly folded underwear into a drawer.

Gracie had two roommates in a tiny room, and it was a major feat getting everyone's things put away in lockers, a single closet, and three chests of drawers, with three desks and three computers crowding the room. And all three sets of parents and Victoria were trying to help their girls. By late afternoon, they had done everything they could, and Gracie walked outside with them. She looked as though she was about to panic, and her father looked like he was about to cry. And Victoria had a heavy heart. Gracie really was grown up now, and they had to open the door to the cage and let her fly. Her parents were far more reluctant to do that, and it wasn't easy for Victoria either.

They were standing outside the door of the dorm, talking, when a tall, good-looking boy with a tennis racket in his hand sauntered by. He stopped the moment he saw Gracie, as though he had been struck by lightning and couldn't move another step. Victoria smiled at the look on his face. She had seen boys react to her sister that way before.

"Freshman?" he asked her. He could tell from the hall where he was standing, and she nodded. She had the same look in her eyes that he did, and Victoria almost laughed. It would be just too simple if Gracie found the man of the moment the day she moved into the dorm. How easy was that?

"Junior? Senior?" she inquired with a hopeful look, and he grinned.

"Business school," he answered with a broad smile, which meant he was at least four years older than she was, and probably more like five or six. "Hi," he said then, glancing at all of them. "I'm Harry Wilkes." They had all heard of Wilkes Hall and wondered if he was of the family that had donated it. He shook hands with her parents and Victoria and then smiled dazzlingly at Gracie and asked if she'd like to play tennis at six o'clock. She beamed and said she would. He promised to come back for her then and then jogged off.

"Well, that was easy," Victoria commented as he left. "Tennis anyone? You really don't know how lucky you are."

"Yes, I do," she said with a dreamy look. "He's really cute." And then as though she had been taken over by an alien being from outer space, she spoke to Victoria in an undertone: "I'm going to marry him one day."

"Why don't you check him out at tennis first?" Victoria had seen all the boys who had come and gone in her high school days. This was only the beginning of four years of college. She just hoped Gracie didn't follow in their mother's footsteps and spend all four years looking for a husband, instead of having fun. There was no reason to even think of marriage at her age.

"No. Seriously. I am. I just felt it when he said hello to me," Gracie said with a serious look that made Victoria want to throw water on her to wake her up.

"Hello. This is college. Four years of fun, things to learn, and great guys. Let's not get married the first day."

"Leave it to your sister to find the richest kid on campus," their father said proudly, assuming he was the Wilkes of Wilkes Hall. "He looked pretty taken with her."

"So was half of Italy in June. Let's not lose our heads here," Victoria said, trying to be the voice of reason, but no one was listening to her. His name had done it for her father. His looks had done it for Gracie. And the word
marriage
did it for their mother. Poor Harry Wilkes was a goner, Victoria thought to herself, if the three of them got hold of him. "Listen, you," she said to her little sister, "try not to get engaged before I come back for Thanksgiving." She gave her a big hug then, and the two sisters held each other, wishing they could stop time and freeze this moment forever. "I love you," Victoria whispered into her dark curly hair. Gracie looked like a child in her sister's arms, and Gracie looked up at her with tears on her lashes.

"I love you too. I really meant what I said before. I just got this weird feeling about him."

"Oh shut up," Victoria said, laughing, and gave her a sisterly shove. "Have fun at tennis. Call and tell me how it was." Victoria wasn't leaving for New York till the morning. There was nothing to stay for once Gracie left the house, nothing to keep Victoria there. There hadn't been in years.

The three of them walked back to the enormous parking lot and found her father's car. Victoria got into the backseat, and they rode in silence all the way home, each of them lost in thought, thinking how fast it had all gone. One minute Gracie was a baby, a toddler careening around the room at full speed, Victoria was taking her to first grade and kissing her goodbye, then suddenly she was a teenager, and now this. And they all knew with sadness and certainty that the next four years would wing past them just as fast.

Chapter 16

Their collective fear that Gracie's college years would rush by too quickly proved to be true. It happened in the blink of an eye, and the next thing they all knew, she was graduating from USC. She was in a cap and gown, and her parents and older sister saw her hat fly high in the air again. It was over. Four years of college. She had a bachelor's degree in English and communications, and hadn't figured out how to use it yet. She wanted to work for a magazine or a newspaper, but hadn't started interviewing yet. She was taking the summer off and planned to look for a job in September. And she had their father's blessing. She was going to Europe with friends in July, to Spain and Italy, and her boyfriend was going with them, and then the two of them were meeting up with his parents in the South of France. Her prediction on her first day at USC had almost materialized. They weren't married, but Harry Wilkes had been her boyfriend for all four years of college, and Gracie's father heartily approved. They were indeed the family that had donated the hall of the same name. Harry had graduated from business school the year before, and he was working for his father in an investment banking firm. He was solid as a rock, her father liked to say, and a very good catch. He was with them along with half a dozen of her friends when they went to lunch after graduation, and Victoria noticed them talking conspiratorially at the other end of the table, and then he kissed her and she smiled.

Victoria liked Harry, although she thought him a little too controlling, and she wished her younger sister had been more adventurous while she was in college. She had been with Harry constantly. She had left the dorms in junior year to live in an apartment with him off campus, and they were still living together now. Victoria thought she was too young to be so settled so early and limited to one boy. And he reminded her a little of her father, which made her nervous too. Harry had opinions about everything, and Gracie endorsed all of them, with no differences of her own. Victoria didn't want her turning into their mother one day. A shadow of her husband, put on earth to enhance him and make him feel good about himself. What about her?

But there was no denying that Gracie was happy with Harry. And Victoria had been shocked when her parents made no objection to the two of them living together. She was sure they wouldn't have done the same for her. And when she had mentioned it to her father, he told her not to be so uptight and old-fashioned, but part of that was because Harry's family had so much money. Victoria was sure that they wouldn't have been as easygoing if Harry Wilkes were poor. She had said as much to Helen, and Harlan and John, whenever she talked to them about it. She worried about Gracie a lot. She was always fearful that Gracie had been brainwashed by their parents into pursuing all the wrong ideals.

The luncheon celebration had started late after graduation and went on until four in the afternoon. They finally left the table, and Gracie went to return her rented cap and gown. She handed Victoria her diploma for safekeeping, and said Harry was going to drive her home. They were going out with friends that night. Harry was driving the Ferrari his parents had given him when he graduated from business school. Victoria saw them kiss as soon as they walked away, and it seemed only yesterday that he had been standing holding a tennis racket outside her dorm the day she moved in as a freshman.

"I must be getting old," Victoria said to her father as they got in his car and drove away. She was turning twenty-nine. "She was five years old about five minutes ago. How did we get here?"

"Damned if I know. I feel the same way about you." He even managed to look sentimental as he said it, which surprised Victoria.

During Gracie's four years in college, Victoria had gone out with a few men she'd met here and there, an attorney, a teacher, a stockbroker, a journalist. But none of them had mattered to her, and the relationships had only lasted a few weeks or months. She was the head of the English department at Madison now, and still living in the same apartment. She shared it with only Harlan and John. They each used a second bedroom as a study. Bunny had gotten married three years before and had two children. She had just moved to Washington, D.C., with her husband and babies. He had a State Department job, which they all suspected was really CIA, and she was a stay-at-home mom. Harlan was still working at the Costume Institute, and John was teaching at the same school in the Bronx. And she had stopped seeing Dr. Watson two years before. There was nothing more to say to her. They had covered the same territory many times, and they agreed. There were no mysteries left to discover. Her parents had given her a raw deal and poured all their love into her sister, and had never had any for her, even before Gracie was born. In plain talk, she'd been screwed, but she loved her sister dearly anyway. And she had very little feeling for her parents, neither anger nor affection. They were selfish, self-centered people who should never have had children at all, or not her anyway. Gracie suited them. She didn't. And Victoria was doing fine in spite of it. Victoria felt that Dr. Watson had helped her a great deal. She still had the same parents, and a problem with her weight, but she was dealing with both more successfully than before.

She still hadn't found the man of her dreams and maybe she never would, but she loved her job, she was still teaching seniors, and her weight still fluctuated up and down. Her eating habits depended on the weather, her job, the state of her love life or lack of it, or her mood. At the moment she was heavier than she liked. She hadn't had a date in about a year, but she always insisted that her weight had nothing to do with her love life and the two weren't related. Harlan was always vocal about disagreeing with her, and pointed out that she gained weight, and ate more, when she was lonely and miserable. They had put a treadmill in the living room, and a rowing machine, both of which she had contributed to, and she never used them. Harlan and John always did.

Victoria was going back to New York the morning after Gracie's graduation, and she had dinner with her parents at home that night. It was a sacrifice she made at least once in every trip. Her father was talking about retiring early in a few years. Her mother was still a fanatical bridge player. And Victoria had less and less to say to them every year. Her father's jokes about her weight weren't amusing, and now he had added to them comments about the fact that she wasn't married, didn't have a boyfriend, and wasn't likely to have kids. He tied it all to her weight. She didn't argue about it with him anymore, or try to defend herself or explain. She just let the comments and wisecracks go by without answering them. They never changed. And he still thought her job was a total waste of time.

At dinner, he talked about getting Gracie a job as a copywriter at his ad agency, after she came home from Europe. Victoria was helping her mother load the dishwasher after dinner when Gracie came home unexpectedly. Since she was living with Harry, she didn't drop by very often, and they were all surprised to see her, and pleased. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were sparkling as she stood in the kitchen and looked at them. And Victoria had a sudden flutter in her stomach as Gracie blurted out the words she feared.

"I'm
engaged!"
There was a deadly silence in the room for a fraction of a second, and then her father let out a whoop and spun her around in his arms as he had when she was a child.

"Bravo! Well done! Where's Harry? I want to congratulate him too!"

"He dropped me off. He went to tell his parents," she said happily, as Victoria went back to the dishes without a word. And their mother was clucking and flapping and hugged her daughter. And with that, Gracie stuck out her small hand, and they could see a large round diamond ring on her finger. It was really happening. It was true.

"This is just like your father and me," her mother said excitedly. "We got engaged the night we graduated. And married at Christmas." They all knew. "When's the wedding?" she asked, as though she wanted to start planning it right away. They didn't question for a minute what she was doing, or if she was too young, for obvious reasons relating to Harry. They thought it was a great idea, and a major coup for their daughter to marry a Wilkes. It was all about their egos, not what might be best for Gracie. Victoria finally turned around then, and looked at her younger sister with worried eyes.

"Don't you think you're too young?" she asked honestly. Gracie was just twenty-two, and Harry was twenty-seven, which was still young in Victoria's opinion.

"We've been dating for four years," Gracie said as though that made it all right, but it didn't to her sister. It made it worse. She never gave herself a chance to grow on her own, develop her own opinions, or meet other boys in college, or even date them.

"Some of my high school kids have dated people for four years. They're not old enough to get married either. I'm worried about you," she said honestly. "You're twenty-two years old. You need a real job, a career, some independence, and your own life before you settle down and get married. What's the rush?" For a minute she was terrified that she might be pregnant, but she didn't think she was. Gracie had announced that she was going to marry him the first day they met. And now it had happened. He was her dream come true. This was what Gracie wanted, and she looked angry at Victoria for the questions she was asking and the obvious lack of enthusiasm she showed.

"Can't you be happy for me?" she asked petulantly. "Does everything have to be the way you think it should be? I'm happy. I love Harry. I don't care about a career. I don't have a vocation like you. I just want to be Harry's wife!" It didn't seem like enough to Victoria, but maybe Gracie was right. And who was she to decide?

"I'm sorry," she said sadly. They hadn't had an argument in years. And the last one had been about their parents, when Gracie had hotly defended them to her sister, and Victoria told her how wrong she was. She had finally backed down, because her sister was too young to understand, and was one of them anyway. And this time she felt the same way. Victoria was the one who was different again, who wasn't happy for her and dared to say it, who didn't fit in. "I just want you to be happy, and have the best life you can. And I think you're very young."

"It looks like she's going to have a good life to me," her father said, pointing at the ring. Seeing him do that made Victoria feel sick. And she knew she wasn't jealous. But having a daughter who was married to a rich man was going to be a perfect complement to her father's narcissism. With the ring on her finger, Gracie had become a trophy, proof of his success as a father, that he had raised a daughter who could marry a rich man. Victoria hated what it meant. And Gracie didn't see it. She was too wrapped up in her own life, and too afraid to go out in the real world, get a job, meet new people, make something of herself. So she was marrying Harry instead. And just as Victoria thought it, Harry walked into the kitchen, beaming, and Gracie jumped into his arms. It was easy to see how happy she was, and no one wanted to deny that to her. Their father clapped Harry on the back, and their mother went to get a bottle of champagne, which Jim opened immediately, and poured a glass for each of them, as Victoria looked at them and smiled nostalgically. The milestones were moving faster now. Graduation from high school, college, and now she was engaged. It was a lot to digest all at once. And putting her objections aside, Victoria walked across the room and hugged Harry, for her sister's sake, as Gracie looked at her, relieved. She didn't want anyone interfering with what she was doing, trying to stop her, or challenging her. This was her dream.

"So when's the big day? Have you set the date?" her father asked, after they toasted the couple and each took a sip of champagne. Harry and Gracie were beaming at each other again, and Harry answered for her, which was one of the things Victoria didn't like about him. Gracie had a voice too, and she wanted her to use it. She hoped the wedding wouldn't be too soon.

"June," Harry said, smiling at his tiny bride. "We have a lot to organize before then. Gracie is going to be busy planning the wedding." He glanced from his future mother-in-law to his future sister-in-law, as though he expected them to drop everything and get to work on the wedding too. "We're figuring on four or five hundred people," he said blithely, without consulting the bride's parents to ask if that was okay. He hadn't asked for her hand either. He had proposed, but he also had known that Jim Dawson would approve. Grace's mother looked like she was going to faint when she heard the number of guests at the wedding. But Jim looked pleased as he opened another bottle of champagne and poured another round.

"You ladies can figure all of that out," he said, smiling first at Harry and then at his wife and daughters. "All I have to do is pay the bills." Victoria stood watching her father, thinking that he was a sellout, but this was the kind of match he wanted for his daughter, without questioning if she was too young or if it might be a mistake. And Victoria knew that if she said anything to them, she would then be accused of being the overweight older daughter who didn't have a boyfriend and couldn't find a husband, who was jealous of her beautiful younger sister and wanted to stand in her way.

They finished the second bottle of champagne, and everyone hugged the young couple again. Harry said his parents wanted to have dinner with them sometime soon. And Victoria got a chance to hug her sister again.

"I love you. I'm sorry if I upset you."

"It's okay," Gracie whispered. "I just want you to be happy for me." Victoria nodded. She didn't know what to say. And then the newly engaged couple went on their way. They were meeting friends and going to a party, and Gracie wanted to show off her ring. Victoria heard her BlackBerry come to life after they left, and checked it. It was from her sister. "I love you. Be happy for me." Victoria answered just as quickly with the only response she could give her. Her response said, "I love you too."

"Well, you've got a year to plan the wedding," Jim said to Christine as soon as Grace and Harry left. "That'll keep you busy. You may even have to take some time off from bridge." As he said it, Victoria got another text. It was from Gracie again.