Beyond Hope's Valley: A Big Sky Novel (14 page)

"You're right. I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me." With a sweep of his arm he motioned down the street. "I won't bother you again, Marianna. And when your Mem comes into town . . . well, I'll do my best to steer clear of her too."

Marianna nodded and strode away, watching her footing on the icy sidewalk. Aunt Ida would be wondering where she was, but that didn't matter. She'd finally voiced what was on her mind. All her life she'd given the kind answer. Even when kids treated her poorly at schul, Mem and Dat had always taught her to return their scorn with kindness.

She noticed Aunt Ida ahead and waved, hurrying toward the buggy.

But sometimes being right had to overcome being kind . . . didn't it?

"Kindness, when given away, comes back."

Marianna pursed her lips at the Amish proverb, because the fact was she didn't want that man to keep coming back. What he offered wasn't kindness.

It was destruction. For Mem. For their family.

Marianna forced a smile as she approached her aunt. She just hoped that when Mem returned, she would stand strong.

Dear Marianna,

I don't know why I'm writing you another letter. They're stacking up and I still don't know when, or if, you'll ever read them. I smiled when I read that line I just wrote because I realize that maybe this time is to develop patience in me. Uncommon patience, it is the Amish way, isn't it?

The world around us, it seems, is quick to skip from one thing to the next. Yet don't you find it hard to wait and pray rather than to seek a quick fix? I do. If I had my choice this moment I'd walk out my door and find my way to you. That would be a quick fix, yet I doubt it would really fix things. Maybe our time apart is for us to know who we are separate, so that we will be better together. My heart hopes that is the case.

As I wait, I am also reminded that demanding an immediate solution signals a lack of trust. Do I trust we'll find our way to each other again? No. Do I trust God will make everything right even if things don't turn out as I want? I wish I could say a firm yes. It's my lack of faith that makes my confidence weak. As the days pass maybe my yes will be more firm.

If I could change your being far away, I would. If I could change the problems that keep us apart I'd do that too. Yet instead of resisting the path of things, I'm trying to resist despair and fear. This is also the way of the Amish, is it not?

While despair and fear are hard opponents, they are battled best in places beyond the noise and haste. I've been seeking those places more often than I used to. If it were possible, I'd seek them more often.

Finally, I will end with yet another note of my love. If I've learned one thing, love grows even if it isn't offered, yet the burden of its weight grows too. I console myself by believing that God hasn't brought you into my life only for pain and longing. If the love I carry for you is only for myself and my understanding of what's important in life, then it's a burden worth carrying.

Written with the pen of the man who dreams of you more than you realize.

A
fter shopping in town, Aunt Ida suggested they stop by Naomi's parents' house to pay a visit. This surprised Marianna, until she remembered her aunt didn't know about Naomi's pregnancy. Surely Aunt Ida wouldn't want to visit a young woman in such a "condition." Either that or Aunt Ida knew, and she wanted more information.

A smile curled on her aunt's face—like a cat that had just caught a mouse—when Marianna parked Aunt Ida's buggy in front of the barn.

Levi was walking into the barn with a harness in hand. Seeing them, he spun in his tracks and approached Marianna's side of the buggy. "What a surprise."

"We've come to visit." Aunt Ida smiled.

"
Ja
,
gut
. I am certain Mrs. Studer will be eager to see you yet." Levi walked around the buggy and helped his aunt down. "While you visit with the Studers, I'll take Mari back to see Naomi." He pointed to the smaller place in back. "She's been telling me she can't wait to see you, Mari."

A pout rose on Aunt Ida's face, and Marianna could tell she was hoping they'd all visit together. "
Ja
, well, I suppose I can visit with Naomi another time."

"I'm sure she'd like that." Marianna slid from the buggy. "And I'll at least walk you to the door."

Thankfully, Levi took care of the horse. Perhaps that was easier for him than helping with their aunt. With careful steps she led her aunt up the steps of the porch.

Naomi's parents' big white clapboard house was newer than others in the community. Marianna remembered when the house went up. The smaller, older farmhouse where Naomi's grandparents had lived was in back. As soon as she said a proper greeting to Mrs. Studer, she hurried to the dawdi haus.

From the dawdi haus, Marianna could see the trees her parents planted after her sisters' deaths. And beyond that she could see her parents' property and house.

Yet, it didn't feel like home any more. Home was where her parents were, where her siblings were. And Montana seemed very far away.

She'd get over to visit her parents' old place soon enough. She still had a hope chest upstairs in her old room filled with her things, including the many journals she'd written. It would be interesting now to go back and see what she'd said. Did her words come across as sad as she'd always felt? Could she read the weight of trying to live her life for two sisters lost? It would be interesting to find out.

The front door swung open, and Naomi stepped out. Even though her dress and apron hung loose, her pregnancy was already evident.

Wasn't it too soon for that?

"Marianna, welcome!"

Just inside the front door of the dawdi haus was a trunk. Naomi took Marianna's coat and placed it on top. Then Naomi led her to the worn sofa where they both sat.

"We're moving all our things to the dawdi haus," Naomi said. "I'll be setting everything up for after the wedding, of course. There should be plenty of time to get everything in order, especially since we'll have more time than we thought."

Marianna nodded. Naomi's parents had asked them to wait, but why? Because Naomi's pregnancy was so evident? Or were there other reasons? An icy sensation traveled up Marianna's arms. Oh, why didn't she allow Levi to share more of the burdens on his heart?

"Are you excited that you'll be living on your own—on your own together, I mean?" Marianna tried to keep her eyes off the one thing she wanted to talk about most—the baby growing in Naomi's womb. "It seems like a big commitment."

"With the house and Levi's income I s'pose we'll have enough to make it. And after the wedding, as we go around visiting, we should get enough for me to keep a home." Naomi rubbed her belly. That surprised Marianna. It also surprised her that Naomi talked like things were happening no different than with every other Amish young couple. The truth was, though, it wasn't uncommon for Amish girls to get pregnant out of wedlock. What
was
uncommon was for their boyfriends to come back from the world.

"Would you like some hot tea? I have water on the stov—"

The door opened and Levi stepped in. Instead of the look of admiration Marianna had seen a hundred times, Naomi dropped her hand from her stomach and looked away. Then she sniffed the air. "I think my pie is done. I'll be back in a minute."

Marianna smiled at Levi, and Levi smiled back, sitting on the sofa next to her. As soon as Naomi was out of earshot she turned to her brother.

"Are you certain, Levi?"

"Certain?"

"With this decision?"

Levi looked deep into Marianna's eyes. She could see he knew what he ought to say—that he was happy about the marriage. She could see he was going to do the right thing—the honorable thing—but that didn't mean it would be easy.

She swallowed hard and folded and unfolded her hands on her lap. The conflict was clear in his eyes, but so was the commitment. Something struck her deep within. She had a feeling gazing into Levi's eyes was like looking into her own soul. Did others see the questions, worries, in her gaze too?

Levi sighed. "Love is a choice, not a feeling. Didn't you write that in one of your letters to me?"

"
Ja
, it is a choice, and you're not making an easy one." Marianna forced herself to speak the question she'd been wanting to ask. "It isn't your baby, Levi, is it?"

Levi stiffened. "Why would you say that?"

"There is something different about you and Naomi. Distance. She . . . it's as if she's worried you're going to walk out at any moment. And you—you have the same look in your eye as when you were ten. Dat had given up on that newborn calf, but you stayed with it day and night for a week, feeding it at all hours until it was strong enough to nurse. You were proud. You were weary, too, but that didn't compare. It was as if the sacrifice was worth it."

He looked away. "You're seeing things where they ought not be."

"Am I? It's me you're talking to, Levi. I've come all this way to help. Shouldn't I know the truth?"

"And you'll not speak it to anyone."

"Of course not. You know me better."

He turned back to her, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. "I have not slept with her, Mari. After all these years. I may not have followed the Amish ways, but I believed Dat when he told me that physical union ought to be saved for marriage."

Marianna's trembling fingers touched her lips.

"Whose? Whose baby is it, then?"

Levi shrugged and lowered his head. "Would you believe me when I tell you I won't ask. I don't want to know?"

"But why? How could you not want to know?" Marianna's stomach churned. She touched her forehead, suddenly lightheaded.

This couldn't be happening.

"I want to love this child like my own, think of it as mine. As far as everyone else is concerned it is." He covered his mouth with his hand and then wiped it, as if wiping poison off his lips. "I don't want to think of her with another. Don't want to think what I'd say to a man who would do such a thing. Who would do that, Mari?"

He looked away, but the anger in his words was evident. "Who would leave a young woman pregnant and alone?"

Who, indeed?