Beyond 4/20 (8 page)

Chelsea moved quietly to the table, and when she was close enough, reached out and touched his shoulder, letting him know she was behind him. When reached for her hand and squeezed it, she sat down next to him.

“Are you bored? John, we can move back to L.A. if you want. I’ll fly back and forth to spend time with Lucy. We have a plane; we’ll make it work.”

“Bored?” He chuckled softly. “This is the exact life I never knew I wanted. I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world.”

He meant that. Their lives together, with the exception of his feelings about Tuck, gave him the greatest sense of
“having arrived”
he had ever known. If he ever had it all, it was now.

Chelsea sighed. She almost would rather think him bored.

“Are you aggravated with me? I know I’ve been…”

“Stop!”

John took hold of her chair and slid her closer. Taking her face in his hands, he drew her nearer and kissed her softly.

“I’m so totally happy with you. Don’t you ever doubt that. None of this is your fault.”

She smiled faintly, relieved to hear him say that.

“Then what? I’ve tried to give you space to figure out whatever this is.”

He had kept it in long enough, so long, in fact, that she had come to the conclusion he was unhappy with her. Nothing was further from the truth. Finally, the one subject he had avoided for weeks was necessary, so he said, “You were supposed to come home after you graduated, but you stayed.”

Chelsea looked down at her hands.

When she wouldn’t look at him, he knew he was correct.

“Am I right?” he asked.

She only nodded.

“Why didn’t you?”

Looking at the clock, she saw that it was just after 2 a.m., so she said, “It’s the middle of the night. Can we talk about this in the morning?”

“If you want. I’ll be sitting here waiting when you’re ready.”

Chelsea bowed her head again. Clearly he wasn’t going back to bed until they cleared the air. If that was what was keeping him from sleeping and causing him to seem so distant, then they needed to discuss it.

“I knew I was supposed to come back, but I didn’t.” She sighed heavily.

Tilting her face up to look at him, he asked, “Why?”

“I knew what it would mean.”

“And what was that?” Already he suspected but needed to hear her say it.

Reaching for his face, she ran her hand along his rough cheek. She smiled at the feel of the prickly stubble beneath her fingertips. He had the fastest growing beard of anyone she had ever known. His five o’clock shadow arrived by mid-day most days. So by this time, he was semi-scruffy.

“If I came back here, I knew that Tuck and I would end up together.”

He wrapped his hand around hers and pulled it to his lips. Closing his eyes, he slowly let out a long breath, saying, “I’ve felt it from the very beginning. As much as I know you love me, I feel as if I’ve stepped into what should have been with him.”

Looking at her again, he added, “And Lucy. You were always supposed to be a family. That’s why you feel what you feel for her.”

Chelsea flinched at the mention of Lucy’s name. Tears sprang to her eyes and she lowered her head, ashamed. After a minute of wallowing in her regret, for the first time she openly admitted, “It was
because
of Lucy I didn’t come home.”

Crying openly, she leaned into John. “I couldn’t stand the thought of her or the sight of her then. I know how awful that sounds. She was just a little girl, but when I saw her, she reminded me of what he did, and I didn’t want anything to do with her.”

Holding Chelsea while she cried, John was stunned. The beauty and sweetness of Chelsea’s and Lucy’s relationship was something so special, it seemed impossible to believe it began with such feelings on Chelsea’s part. On a human level, it made perfect sense. No woman would want any part of a relationship which would include a child conceived in unfaithfulness. Somehow, though, he believed Chelsea to be above such normal human feelings.

“Now you feel guilty?”

Lifting her head from his shoulder, she nodded.

“You shouldn’t.” John reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear. “You are a good mom to her, even if it looks different than it was supposed to.”

Chelsea considered the past weeks and how John had acted so differently. Mostly, it began after Tuck’s mom passed away. She had spent more time with Tuck and Lucy than was wise. All the while, she knew her own heart. It was only filled with John and Lucy, so there was never any feeling of guilt as if she were doing the wrong thing. More than anything, she was trying to help Lucy adjust, and John always seemed okay with it. How foolish she had been. If John were spending time with any woman from his past, no matter how innocent it felt to him, she would have thrown an out-loud, screaming hissy fit, no doubt about it.

Yes, she and Tuck had always had dreams of a future together, and yes, they could have made a beautiful life together, but that was all in the past. John was her present and her future.

Wiping her face, she admitted, “What Tuck did, then the choices I made, we both derailed what should have been. Now, what was supposed to be isn’t and never will be. You and I
are
.
We
are a family, and Lucy is part of that. I can’t regret that.” Smiling, she admitted, “You can’t imagine how many times God has reminded me that He can take what was intended for evil and make it turn out for good. I ignored His leading. Even then I knew it, and look what’s come of it. I have you.” She sighed a little, “and I kind of have Lucy.”

John smiled broadly, “Oh, you totally have Lucy. There’s no
kind of
to it.”

He was smiling his first heart-felt smile in a very long time, and she prayed that he believed her. The thought of him carrying the burden of these feelings over the past weeks made her heart feel terribly heavy.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“I’m okay. I’ve been a jealous idiot.”

Looking into her eyes, he found nothing but such complete love that it caused him to choke up a little, so he admitted, “At one point, I had come to believe if they were what you wanted, I would let you go, but I can’t do that. There’s no way. You’re everything to me.”

Chelsea swallowed hard, excited but a little nervous too, and said, “This would be a terrible time to let me go.”

She moved to sit in his lap. “I’ve been trying to give you some space, hoping you would work through whatever was bothering you before I told you.”

“Tell me what?” The twinkle in her eyes caused his heart to beat a little faster.

Leaning in, she whispered in his ear, “You’re going to be a daddy.”

Holding her as tightly as he dared, John buried his face in her neck. Over and over he repeated, “I’m going to be a dad. I’m going to be a dad.”

After a moment of allowing the idea to settle in, he hoarsely whispered, “You and this baby are more than enough. If I were to lose everything else, as long as I have you, it’ll be okay. We’re a family.”

“Yes, we’re a family.”

“This changes everything.”

It did. That feeling of surrender that he had anticipated, that sense that he was supposed to let go of something escaped him. With her there in his arms, he no longer felt that heavy weight of expectation of the worst coming. Everything that mattered was right there in his lap. Glancing toward the fridge, he saw Lucy’s latest drawing of a rainbow, her newest fascination. They had seen one together recently, and suddenly that’s all she drew. He corrected his earlier thought. Everything that mattered included his sweet little Lucy, too.

John slept for hours, clear through lunch the next day. Chelsea didn’t disturb him and even turned his phone on silent. It was the best sleep she had known him to have in a very long time. There was something different in his eyes when he said the baby changed everything. She knew it settled whatever his mind had been trying to sort through. When they crawled back in bed together, he drew her near and fell immediately asleep. For the first time in weeks, because her husband was, she finally felt at peace.

When John finally awoke, his first thought was that they needed time away together. Because of Lucy, he had not brought it up in a very long time, but after the past weeks of such complicated emotions, he had this sense that time alone would give them both the fresh start they needed. Already he could envision that little house they had stayed at in the vineyard of Tuscany and how, that final night, she became someone he hardly recognized. That woman was the one who currently shared his life with him, passionate and always surrendered to him. For at least a little while, he wanted to be totally alone with her.

That same afternoon, after explaining to Lucy that they would be gone for only a week and that Granny Gail would be picking her up from school, John and Chelsea were off to Italy. As much as both enjoyed the entirety of the previous trip, they decided to skip the major highlights and go straight to Tuscany. Once settled in to the same little cottage as before, they found they easily became
them
again. Since their honeymoon, they had fallen into so many of life’s pitfalls that what was once a fairy-tale relationship had become something else entirely. Chelsea knew she had become irrational over John’s health. Immediately, as soon as that fear of a limited future together set in, she had badgered him endlessly over what he ate and how he took care of himself. On top of that, because of Lucy and the complexity of having Tuck on the perimeter of their lives, she hadn’t put her husband’s feelings first. What man wouldn’t become jealous with such a family dynamic in place? Viewed with the understanding of what was really bothering John during those weeks he was so distant from her, it made perfect sense. Her behavior toward Tuck was inappropriate, especially in that it hurt her husband and her marriage. She had learned much in those past days, things she promised herself she would take back home with her and into their future together. Even once their baby arrived, she would take greater care with their marriage. What was once a fairy-tale could always be that if only she would allow herself to be who she once was with him, a girl with a heart filled with hope and love, rather than the fearful nag who arrived once they married.

Each day they shared in Tuscany was exactly that, a fairy-tale vacation together. John insisted they spend time completely cut off from the world, and Chelsea couldn’t have been any happier about it. From morning until night, they focused on their relationship, determined to get back to where they once were. She shared her feelings about how far they had strayed from who they used to be, and John listened carefully, agreeing that they had somehow fallen off course.

On the last night of the trip, snuggled in together by the fire, John asked the question he had always wondered about. “Would you have allowed me to make love to you that final night here?”

Gazing into the fire, heart floating back to that night and how desperately she wanted to keep him, she admitted, “Yes, I would have.”

He lowered his head and kissed hers, understanding completely what would have been her motive, and she was exactly right. If she had given herself to him that night, he would never have walked away from her. Most likely, he would have married her the following morning. This wasn’t the first time he considered it. All those months they were apart, he had regretted sending her to bed as he had, knowing that their future would have been set and those long and agonizing times would have never occurred if only he had loved her that night.

But this new man, though, the one who had finally become broken without her, was relieved he had showed the restraint he had. No way could he have become this man had he not walked the long road alone. If they had stayed together, his focus would likely be still on business in L.A. Even if he was able to keep Chelsea first, they would have continued on in his old way of life rather than the new life they were building in Oklahoma. The sudden thought of never having Lucy in their lives, even with Tuck’s involvement, was enough to cause John to become a little misty-eyed. This was exactly as it should have been.

In the past days, he seriously considered what she had said about how they had allowed the magic of their fairy-tale to slip away. She was exactly right, and as much as she tried to shoulder that burden, he disagreed. If anything, the responsibility was his. All along his jealousy was irrational; he knew where her heart was. Even the fact that he caught a glimpse of what should have been between Chelsea and Tuck shouldn’t have been enough to cause him to act as he had and become as crazed as he was. Instead, he had woken up to the reality that he was a fifty-one year old man married to a young woman in her twenties. In many ways, Tuck represented who he used to be, young and having his entire life before him. Maybe it was Chelsea’s early fear that sparked his own, and the fact that he knew he would leave her much too early was as real to him as it was to her.

No matter what, going forward, he would give her back her fairy-tale. Wasn’t that the wonder of their love, the fact that a young beautiful woman could capture the heart of such a cynical and jaded old man? Whatever time they had together would be viewed through the lens of their reality, that time was of the essence. Every day was a precious gift, one he would treasure and ensure mattered. When his days here on earth were done, he would leave knowing he had done everything humanly possible to love her completely and without holding back.

One week before Thanksgiving, John received a call from Gail. Without mentioning her idea to anyone else, she first asked John if he would mind if she invited Tuck for Thanksgiving dinner. Without hesitation, John said he did not mind, and he didn’t. In the past weeks since he had found out about the baby and as they worked through so much during their time away, things were truly different. Those feelings of doubt and nightmares were like a distant memory. If Tuck was willing to come, John certainly had no reservations about it.

Often he tried to put himself in Tuck’s position, and each time, his heart truly went out to him. He had lost the woman he loved and his mother all within a few months of each other. The guy was a single parent trying to juggle the responsibility of a little girl and a large sheep farm. He had recently hired on another hand to work a few afternoons per week so that he could spend some time with Lucy, but that was most likely a drain on what profits he did make. John would love to help in some way but wouldn’t dare suggest it. A few times he had considered doing something anonymously. Each time he thought of a way of doing it, he feared Tuck would suspect Chelsea. The last thing a man in Tuck’s position needed was to feel like a charity case. So John let that idea go.