Beware! It's Friday the 13th (7 page)

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Authors: Kate McMullan

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Dear Erica,
I think the whole Future Dragon Slayer of the Month thing is rigged. I’ll bet you get it because you’re a royal and I’m a commoner.
That Lad Again
Dear Lad,
According to your theory, Princess Gwen of Gargglethorp could get the Future Dragon Slayer Medal next month. Ha ha ha!
Royal or not, I win the contest fair and square. P.S. I know who you are, Torblad!
 
Erica:
You wear your FDSOTM medal every single day. Do you wear it on your jammies every night, too?
A Lad from You-Know-Where
 
Torblad: Go blow your nose!
 
*** Have a question for Erica? Write to her in care of the
DSA News
!
***
THE DSA SPORTS REPORT
by Charley Marley
The newly formed DSA Jousting team had its first match last Saturday. It was against Knights R Us, who had the advantage of jousting on their home turf, but I’m not saying this is why we lost.
The DSA team traveled to the KRU field in Frypot’s ox cart, which had a bad wheel. It was a really rough ride and by the time we got there, all the team members were pretty banged up, but I’m not saying this is why we lost.
The KRU jousters had their own horses. The DSA team shared Frypot’s ox. This may, in fact, be why we lost.
FINAL SCORE:
 
KRU: 873
DSA: 2
 
Our next game will be this Saturday at Knights Noble Conservatory.
Frypot’s eels make you sick? Come to Smilin’ Hal’s—quick!
 
Smilin’ Hal’s Off-Campus Eatery
1 PENNY OFF
on your next
DEEP-FRIED DOUGH BALL!
HELP WANTED
HARP PLAYER
Accompany part-time balladeer, Professor Pluck, as he sings easylistenin’ favorites such as “Pretty Princess, Please Don’t Pout” and “Patsy Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers.”
Contact Professor Pluck
 
P.S. Umbrella provided.
Frypot’s eels got you down? We’ve got the best meals in town! Smilin’ Hal’s Off-Campus Eatery
STABLE MUCKER
Ever mucked out a stable or henhouse or a privy so that it’s even semi-clean?
If you answered YES, then YOU may have a future as DSA Stable Mucker!
Perks:
Free room and board!
We don’t check references!
We pay you with smiles and pats on the back, not dirty old easy-to-lose coins!
Contact:
Headmaster Mordred, DSA
OVERHEARD IN THE . . . DINING HALL
by Angus du Pangus
As this reporter strolled from the food line to his table, the following snippets of conversation met his ear:
 
“What is this stuff?”
“I think it’s jellied eel.”
“Blaaah!”
“What is lumpen pudding, anyway?”
“To think I used to complain about me mum’s cooking!”
“You think Frypot eats what he cooks?”
DSA NEWS
Editor-in-Chief
ERICA VON ROYALE
A MATTER OF OPINION
From the Editor’s Desk
 
Lady Lobelia may be a talented fashion designer, but her new DSA lasses’ uniforms are not only a joke, BUT also very dangerous.
• The big, floppy bows make it easy for a dragon to hook a lass with a claw.
• The puffy sleeves cut down on speed when drawing a sword.
• It is very hard to stalk with all those pesky bells on the hem ringing and scaring the dragon away.
• The helmets fit over the ears, making it impossible to hear a dragon coming.
I could go on, but I think this is enough evidence that we lasses need to wear the same practical uniforms as the lads.
Lady Lobelia, I beg of you! Use your enormous talents to design gowns for Queens and Dutchesses—but not for DSA lasses.
FUND-RAISER TO BE HELD
by Charley Marley
 
Members of the new DSA Jousting Team are having a bake sale next Friday.
“We want to raise money to buy a couple of horses,” explained the team captain, Janice Smotherbottom. “With steeds, DSA will be league jousting champs for sure!”
The team also welcomes contributions of any old jousting equipment—helmets, armor, lances, skirts for horses—you may have lying around.
ALUMNI NEWS
CLASS OF MCCCCLI
Garp of West Upchuckia
 
After graduating from DSA, Garp moved back in with his parents.
“Life is good,” says Garp. “I’m doing exactly what my degree from DSA prepared me for—I sleep until noon and just lie about all day.”
Garp would love to hear from others in his graduating class. “Unless they want a loan or for me to help them with anything,” Garp adds.
 
 
CLASS OF MCCCCLVI
Wulfstan of Vulture Valley
 
Wulfstan writes:
“I have so many wonderful memories of my years at DSA.”
“Unfortunately,” Wulfstan’s mother adds in a p.s., “ever since Wulfie got conked on the noggin in a sword fight with Harald of Ninnyshire (DSA, class of MCCCCLV) DSA is
all
he can remember.”
WHAT’S UP AT THE LIBRARY?
by Wiglaf of Pinwick
The results of Brother Dave’s new survey are in!
Last week the DSA librarian asked 53 students at DSA: What is a book?
48 said, “A
what
?”
4 said, “If you don’t know,
I’m not going to tell you.”
Only 1 said, “A written
work with pages stitched
together along one side and
bound in a cover.”
1
He also asked the same 53 students: How do you get to the DSA library?
23 said, “The
what
?”
14 said, “DSA has a
library?”
13 said, “I don’t.”
3 said, “Go to the South
tower, climb 427 steps,
and you’re there!”
EXCITING NEW LIBRARY BOOKS:
 
Cheerleading Made Easy
by Ray Teamray
 
Locked Out!
by Lettice N. Quick
 
101 Bossy Cow Jokes
by O.U. Laughingstock
 
The World’s Tallest Mountain
by Ken E. Climate
KinG ARTHUR’S OLDE ARMOR SHOPPE
Tired of clanking armor? Sick of waking up that dragon just as you’re about to strike? If so, stride over to King Arthur’s and get some silent, weightless armor! You know you’ve got the best when it’s got King
Arthur’s crest!
Tom Thumb Thumbscrews
Torture methods come and go, but thumbscrews are forever. Just the sight of one can turn a tight-lipped knight into a squealing informer!
Tom Thumb Thumbscrews: Thumbscrews:
Just a little bit better!
Jack’s Wagon Garage
On HUnTSMAnS PATH, COnVEniEnTLY LOCATED nEAR TOEnAiL. GREAT MOnTHLY RATES!
**PARK At YoUR oWn RiSK . JACK’S WAGon GARAGE iS not ATTENDED AND iS not RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DINGS, DENTS, HOLES, STOLEN WHEELS, OR OTHER ACTS OF VANDALISM.
**RUMORS THAT JACK WAS SEEN HACKING AT A WAGON WITH A LARGE AX ARE TOTALLY UNFOUNDED.
Smilin’ Hal’s Off-Campus Eatery
Sick of eels? Come to Smilin’ Hal’s for your meals! We ain’t cheap, but we don’t serve eel!
1
(Brother Dave found out that this answer was given by a visitor from Knights R Us, and he had to toss it out.)

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