Between These Walls (29 page)

Gabe kept pace as he turned his attention to the couple from the corner of his eye.

At first, Hunter wondered if he and Gabe might escape the situation without his parents noticing them. That would prove the easiest scenario. As they walked, though, his hopes diminished when he saw his mother squint and lean forward, her hand shielding her eyes from the restaurant’s lights so she could better see the boardwalk in the distance. When she did, she nudged Hunter’s father, and the duo sauntered toward Hunter and Gabe at a casual, yet eager, pace. They had recognized him. His father carried himself with an air of indifference, as if to say,
Why
wouldn’t
we run into you here?
The expression on the face of Hunter’s mother, however, exhibited innocent curiosity.

The couples were now two hundred feet apart. Hunter’s parents closed the distance. His time grew shorter. He had to make a decision.

“We can’t exactly make a run for it,” Gabe whispered, his eyes focused straight ahead. “Any ideas?”

“I’ll handle it,” Hunter murmured. “Play it cool and follow my lead.”

Not that Hunter had a plan. He had no desire to fool anyone. In fact, he would have given anything to drop the façade. At the same time, he knew his parents weren’t ready to hear the truth. For that matter, Hunter himself wasn’t ready to tell them. The purpose of tonight wasn’t to commit to a choice, after all. Its purpose was to appraise how well one option might fit, a first step to discover whether Hunter or Gabe could even consider a second. They needed time while God worked on their hearts and helped
them
understand how to navigate through their questions.

Now Hunter’s parents were close enough to see his eyes. Hunter readied his poker face, his defense mechanism. His body stiffened as extra stress settled into his lower back. In his peripheral vision, he caught sight of Gabe and was relieved to find Gabe maintained his steady composure.

“What a surprise!” his mother called out from a few steps away. “Your father thought it looked like you, but I told him, ‘It couldn’t be. Hunter wouldn’t have come all the way up here!’“

Hunter’s parents arrived arm in arm. His mother looked like a stereotypical suburban wife, with short blond hair and a figure that indicated she had birthed two children but had kept an admirable balance afterward. Under the lights that lined the boardwalk, Hunter could see his father’s cheeks had already reddened in the outside air.

“Chilly night to wander around,” said his father. “You here for dinner?”

“Just grabbed a quick bite to eat,” Hunter said with a dismissive wave.

“Kinda far north.”

“Oh, you know how it is when you’re in the mood for seafood. Remember how I always loved that place?” Hunter nodded toward the seafood restaurant. “I’ve had a craving for years, so I finally bit the bullet and went.”

“We decided to try the Italian place back there,” said Hunter’s mother. “We’d heard wonderful rumors about it—all true, by the way. Where’s Kara?”

“Traveling for two weeks. Isn’t she always, right?”

His parents chuckled, well aware of Kara’s career and the schedule that accompanied it.

“So I’m a bachelor for the weekend, hanging out, living a life of boredom,” Hunter continued.

His mother turned to Gabe with a smile of greeting. “Who’s this?”

“Oh, I almost forgot. This is Gabe. He’s a buddy from the office, from my old job.” Hunter winced. He wasn’t a liar and, under normal circumstances, would have found it difficult to tell a white lie, much less a blatant one like this. “Gabe meets a lot of people and offered to help me polish my resume.” With that, Hunter remembered the portfolio he held under his arm, which he grabbed and waved, grateful for the implied evidence. Gabe followed suit, waving his own portfolio with a nervous laugh.

“Hi, Gabe. I’m Cindy, Hunter’s mother.” She reached out and shook Gabe’s hand.

While Gabe handled himself well, Hunter sensed the deception made him uncomfortable, too. Gabe revealed no outward signals of discomfort, but over the course of tonight’s date, Hunter and Gabe had begun to communicate on a common wavelength.

“Ed Carlisle,” said Hunter’s father without a smile, which Hunter knew to be a feature of the man’s detached exterior. Nothing personal against Gabe. Hunter also knew people misinterpreted his father’s detachment as displeasure. The man had a shaved head which reflected the boardwalk lights.

Ed offered a handshake, and though Gabe had large hands, Ed Carlisle’s hand seemed to engulf Gabe’s in his own. The man had gained a few pounds over the years, yet his build contained remnants of a football player from a bygone era. His voice had a gruff edge to it, and he had an unintentional habit of staring down any person to whom he spoke. All of these qualities projected the misleading first impression that Ed Carlisle was an intimidator. Gabe retrieved his hand from Ed’s grip as soon as he could. Gabe offered Hunter’s father a polite half-smile, then immediately shifted his focus to Hunter’s mother, who came across as the more charming of the two.

“Tough job market out there,” said Hunter’s father.

“The right position will come through,” his mother chimed in. “You never know who will cross your path and what it might lead to. Right, Gabe?”

“You’re right about that.” Gabe tucked his portfolio back under his arm and shoved both hands into the pockets of his coat, then peered off into the distance. Hunter couldn’t tell if Gabe felt cold or if his actions were meant to buy himself a chance to become invisible.

Hunter’s mother patted Gabe on the arm. “Thanks for helping Hunter out. I know he appreciates it.”

Hunter’s father exhaled, his breath spilling forth in a massive cloud. Hunter picked up traces of oregano and dry, red wine.

“We’d better get going, Cindy. I’m sure these guys are as cold as we are.”

With another round of nice-to-meet-you greetings, Hunter’s parents waved good-bye and headed in the opposite direction. Hunter kept his eye on them as they trekked, but not once did either parent take a second look behind them to reassess their son or his buddy from work.

Hunter and Gabe stood still, watching as Hunter’s parents rounded the corner and out of their lines of sight. Though relieved, Hunter had a sick feeling in his gut. He stared at the spot in the distance where he last saw his mother and father before they disappeared.

By this time, Gabe had dropped his defenses and appeared awkward. He glanced over at Hunter, no doubt unsure how to break the silence.

“Your parents seem nice.”

“Yeah,” Hunter said. “They’ve never suspected a thing about me.”

Hunter paused. His cheeks now felt chapped. A mass of clouds overtook the moon and concealed its glow.

“They’d be devastated if they knew.”

CHAPTER 25

Fatherhood and the role of family.

Such topics were standard fare in a men’s Bible study group and proved helpful. Given Hunter’s recent circumstances, however, he had grown uncomfortable listening to the discussion that occurred in his midst this Thursday evening.

While not all group members were married, they operated under the assumption that most of the group’s unmarried men wanted to marry one day, so the topic remained applicable. Hunter found it curious that the Apostle Paul, a bachelor who wrote most of the Bible’s New Testament books, believed it more beneficial to remain single, yet today, Christians often felt pressured to settle into a family.

For as long as he could remember, Hunter had considered marriage and fatherhood part of his future and had dreamed of it since childhood. He’d never questioned it. He loved the notion of becoming a father. And though he hadn’t related to his own father as well as he had wished, Hunter believed in new beginnings and determined to make himself as accessible as possible to his own children.

Sitting on the sofa tonight, a thought dawned on him: What if a same-sex relationship turned out a comfortable fit for him—to such an extent, he could never be happy in marriage to a woman? How would that impact his prospects of becoming a father?

Hunter’s stream of consciousness flowed from there. He considered himself a man of perpetual hope. With that in mind, what if, down the road, he found himself free from attraction to his own gender? Suppose he found himself fixed one day, no longer tempted toward other men. Suppose he desired a heterosexual relationship and marriage with his whole heart, with everything within himself. At that point, what if anyone discovered his current inclinations? What if he and Gabe entered a relationship, and others found out about it after it ended? Would it render Hunter damaged goods? Would any woman want him after that? Would any woman want to live her life tormented by lingering doubts
she
might have about his sexuality?

The flipping of book pages brought Hunter’s attention back to the group meeting.

“And so, in marriage, God gives us a picture of His relationship with the church,” explained Dan, the group leader. “When we read about that husband-wife relationship in the Bible, the love the husband has for his wife and the affection the wife has for her husband, we see Christ’s love for His church, for His people, and the love we hold for Him.”

Hunter looked at Joe Garza, who sat on his left, and Jesse Barlow, who sat on his right. As they read the next paragraph in the study guide, Hunter scanned the entire group of men, who sat in a circle which, Hunter now mused, resembled the shape of a wedding band.

What would they say if they knew about him? He and Gabe had experimented with a first date. Hunter felt confident no one else in the group had experienced what he had. Albeit exploratory rather than a firm step toward a relationship, in his heart, Hunter knew he and Gabe had crossed a demarcation line. Now, sitting among these men, Hunter harbored a new secret. Nobody suspected anything, but he was sure they would disapprove of what had occurred. They wouldn’t want his secret in their presence. He didn’t want to keep it a secret, either.

He felt like a hypocrite, sitting with a Bible open in his lap while hiding a major aspect of his life, a feeling of shame in his heart, albeit a shame that also came with unconditional acceptance from another individual. The first date had done nothing to ease the conflict that roiled inside him and tormented him.

They think I’m living one way, but I’m living another way.

Hunter couldn’t shake the notion. He felt unworthy sitting in this wedding-band circle of Christians who must have their lives together so much better than he.

Desperately he wanted to confide in someone and release the pressure, the way he’d confided in Gabe. Romantic enticement aside, the whole reason he’d started talking to Gabe was because he felt so alone.

Advice would come quick if he spoke up. How easy to advise someone to snap out of depression, for example, when you’ve never awakened each morning under the weight of its chains. And gossip comes easier when you haven’t endured the experience in question. People have good intentions of keeping matters confidential, but when faced with the temptation to talk, sometimes they give in—even Christians, as much as Hunter hated to admit it.

His sexuality represented the most private, most sensitive facet of his life. Confessing its details carried significant risk, more so than the admission of an individual who had quit smoking but sneaked a cigarette in isolated moments of stress. That confession wouldn’t ruin the individual’s reputation; Hunter’s confession would. What if he confided in someone and that person broke his confidence? What if word spread, people abandoned him, and he wound up alone—the very thing he’d sought to avoid in the first place? What if he wound up not only alone within himself, as he felt tonight, but also physically alone from the company of others as a result of his honesty? What comfort would that bring? Yes, he would still have Jesus, and Jesus was all he needed. But in the Bible, God Himself had said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. That was why He had created not only Adam, but Eve, as well.

As the group moved through its list of discussion questions, Hunter glimpsed each individual in the circle, one by one. Dan the group leader ... Joe Garza ... Jesse Barlow ... Ross the college student. Each one a Christian. Each one a mystery.

Isn’t there someone I can trust?

Other group members had confessed struggles during these Bible study meetings and nobody had judged them. Ross had admitted to cheating on an exam. Another individual had admitted he’d checked out pornography on the Internet—only to discover several members of the group had done the same thing at one point in their lives and broken free from the tendency. They prayed for each other, respected each other, and moved on. They had tested the group members’ willingness to listen, but hadn’t necessarily tested their trustworthiness or the boundaries of their support. They hadn’t confessed anything as shocking—or as scandalous—as Hunter’s revelation.

Then again, perhaps he
could
trust them. They hadn’t proven themselves
untrustworthy.
These were his brothers in Christ, after all. Maybe he should take a risk. He hated the mask, the hypocritical feeling. Maybe he should take a bold step, end the torment right now, and open up his heart to this group.

Hunter felt his defenses drop. Already he sensed a wave of relief in anticipation of the burden that would disappear from his shoulders in a few minutes. If he could trust anyone in this life besides God, it should be the people in His church.

Okay, here we go ...

Hunter awaited a break in the discussion, a lull between wrapping up one discussion point and moving on to the next. But the group had detoured into one of its tangent discussions with no end in sight. Hunter’s stomach somersaulted. In his nervous state, his eyelids felt hot, but he gathered courage. He needed to set himself free.

Just interrupt the discussion and get it over with.
They’ll understand.

“But what about high divorce rates and blended families?” said Ross, the college student. “Wouldn’t that make it even harder for everyone involved?”