Better Than None (17 page)

I felt like I was in some Twilight Zone episode. “I’m sorry, what’s
going on here?”

He looked at me like I was the crazy one. “Well, I got half pepperoni
half mushroom and a chopped salad since I figured you’d be tired from taking
care of your mom. And we’re going to have pizza and salad and wine while we
watch a movie.”

A small smile crept onto my lips. “Is this date number two?”

“You’re starting to catch on. Now don’t just stand there, pick a
movie.” He motioned to come sit next to him on the couch. I followed, putting
the plates and wine down like, yeah, this was normal. A man was in my house and
we were going to watch movie and eat the pizza that he’d just ordered… Nothing
odd there.

I excused myself to get forks and knives, but really, to try to process
all that was happening. When I came back there was a baseball game on and I
smiled.

“We can just watch that, that’s fine.” I said and he regarded me with
disbelief. “I’m not going to be able to focus on whatever’s on the screen, so
if you’re a sports man, seriously, it’s all the same to me.”

He took a bite of his pizza and chewed slowly, then took a sip of wine
before looking at me. “Stephanie, the whole point of this is to make you
comfortable. We’ll watch a movie. You’ll relax and get lost in it and stop
worrying about everything you seem to worry about with me, and you’ll see, just
like date number one, that you’ll get through this and, hopefully more than
that, that you’ll enjoy it. But if you’re sitting here bored out of your skull
watching a game with two teams you probably can’t even name…”

I grabbed the remote and lowered the volume so that it was just
background noise, slipped off my shoes and tucked my feet under me as I sat on
the couch and looked at him. I didn’t want to watch anything. I actually wanted
to talk.

“What was it about today that made you reach out?”

He paused and thought for a moment. “When I heard you and Sherri
laughing. I, I guess I was a little jealous.” I furrowed my brows, not
understanding. “You sounded happy and carefree and I hadn’t heard you sound
like that with me. And I guess I wanted to see if I could make you laugh like
that.”

I ran through all sorts of snarky comebacks like ‘so it’s a competition
for you’ and the like, but he was saying exactly what I’d been so desperate to
hear. I just smiled and nodded. There was silence for a beat until I asked my
next question.

“So Sherri’s cancer is gone?”

He stiffened. “I can’t talk about other patients with you, Stephanie.”
When he used my full name it was either as chastisement or somehow in the
throws of passion. Obviously, this was the former and I shrank back, a bit
embarrassed.

“I know that, I just, I mean, she told me today that her last scan came
back clean. And, well, she said it was all because of you.”

He got uncomfortable and I assumed it was because we were treading on
thin ice talking about another patient. “She said that?” He asked with
disbelief, which surprised me. I was still getting to know the man, but
everything I’d seen about the doctor was cockiness just to the right of
confidence.

“Something to that effect. She said you were the best there is and that
you tried some treatments with her that the other doctor wouldn’t have. She’s
convinced that’s what saved her.”

He stared at the TV, but it was obvious he wasn’t watching it. When he
looked back to me he simply said, “that’s very nice to hear.”

“Doctor, er Brad, do you think,” my question started but he shook his
head.

“Please, Steph. I’m not here as your mother’s doctor. I’m here as Brad,
your, your...” 

“My second date.” I offered and he smiled.

“Yes, your second date. And the first man in your house. And your movie
companion for the night.”

“And my dog-walker. Don’t forget that.” We both smiled and then he
leaned over and kissed me lightly on my lips.

He kept kissing me sprinkling in other descriptions between each kiss,
“your dog-walker, your pizza deliverer, your wine drinker…” He was talking and
I started giggling against his lips and his lips smiled against mine before he
pulled back and looked me in the eye. “That’s exactly what I wanted.” He said
before planting one more kiss and then leaned back against the couch.

“Your work here is done?”

“Obviously not. Now pick a movie, woman!”

I picked some horrible action-movie about terrorists over-taking the
White House. 45 minutes in I was dozing off and it was only when I heard the TV
click off that I woke up, wiping a little drool from my mouth. “I think I might
have nodded off there.” I said groggily and he chuckled.

“Um, yeah. Little bit.”

“Sorry, the movie kind of put me to sleep.”

He smiled, “Next time I pick.” I tried not to let my mind run away with
the idea that he was thinking about a next time.

I stretched and got up, cleaning up as I went. He helped and followed
me into the kitchen to put everything away.

“It’s late, I should probably um, turn in. I’ll see you out.” I said
and his smile told me he had other plans.

“Funny, I was thinking something completely different.” He said as he
leaned against the wall. “Do you have a toothbrush I can borrow?”

“You’re going to clean the grout in my shower?”

A mischievous grin spread across his face as he closed the short
distance between us and pushed me back against the sink so that his body was
pressed up against mine, his face mere inches away. “You have quite the
imagination, Stephanie.” I giggled, my mind drifting. “What’s so funny?”

“I just pictured you naked with yellow rubber gloves and a toothbrush
as you cleaned the tile.” I shrugged. “I’m an artist. Images sometimes just
come to me.” I offered as a lame excuse.

“So that’s not some weird fetish you have? Men cleaning for you isn’t
your secret fantasy?”

I giggled again and then bit my lip. “You’re staying, aren’t you.” I
stated rather than asked. I knew the answer before he nodded.

I took a deep breath. “Ok, I’m going to let the dogs out to pee, then
I’ll get you your damn toothbrush.”

“It benefits you as well, missy.”

I just rolled my eyes as I finished up in the kitchen and then let the
dogs out. I stood out there longer than I needed to, breathing in the cool
night air, calming myself. First a man in my house and now a man staying over.
It’s not like I didn’t think he’d end up in my bedroom. He knew my MO and made
it clear in his text that he wasn’t going to let me run away this time. As
nervous as I was, I also knew this was something I’d wanted: a man to pursue me
and not let me retreat to my safety zone of isolation.

I came back inside and led him to my bathroom where I fished out a new
toothbrush and slapped it into his hand as if it were a scalpel. “Happy now?” I
teased and turned to grab my toothpaste, but jumped when he swatted my ass with
said toothbrush.

He grinned. “Now, I’m happy.” He playfully shouldered me out of the
way, grabbed the toothpaste and proceeded to make himself at home, brushing his
teeth, taking up space and generally being surprisingly cute. I wasn’t sure
what protocol was, so if he wanted to stay over then that was his call, but I
was still going to go through my routine. Once I put my headband on and started
washing my face, he got the hint and left the bathroom.

I found him presumably naked with his hands under his head looking
rather content under my covers when I came out. I turned off the bathroom light
and he proceeded to turn on the bed-stand light, watching me as I undressed. I
didn’t try to hide. He’d seen me naked before, and I liked the appreciation I
saw in his gaze.

I slid under the covers and over to him but he didn’t make a move
except for the little jump when my cold hand touched his torso and started
making its way down until his hand grabbed mine. “Un uh.” He said and shook his
head.

“Are my hands too cold?”

“No, well, yes, but it’s not that.” He lifted my hand and kissed the
palm. “We’re not having sex tonight.”

“Excuse me?” I said and tried to pull my hand away.

“Should I repeat myself?”

“I heard you, I just don’t understand you. You’re lying here naked in
my bed. If you don’t want to have sex, then why on earth are you here?”

He laughed. “And you accuse me of having a bad bedside manner.”

I didn’t find that funny. I was starting to feel rejected and it
obviously showed on my face. “Steph, look at me. I want to try something new,
ok? I think maybe we started off with dessert and we should have had an
appetizer first.” The confusion on my face was still there, so he continued.
“Because so far, every time we’ve had sex you’ve freaked out after.”

“So we’re not going to have sex?”

“Nope.”

“You didn’t just figure out you were gay, right?”

He laughed and took my hand that was still in his and lowered it to his
cock so I could feel just how hard he was.

“Well, I guess that’s a no.” I said and looked up to see him smile.
“Lobotomized?”

“Strike two.”

“We’re really going to just
sleep
together?”

He roared laughing. “Horrifying, isn’t it?”

“You’re a confusing man, Brad. Very confusing.”

“Well, that’s a step up from what you’ve called me in the past.” He
leaned in, gave me a sweet kiss and then turned the light off. “Now go to
sleep.”

“Yeah, like that’s going to happen any time soon.” I said in the dark,
fully wide awake.

“Come here.” He pulled me to him so that my head was resting on his
chest, my arm draped over him. When I finally relaxed, I scooted closer so that
I was completely pressed up against him and hooked my leg over his as he held
me there and gently stroked my back while I listened to the rhythmic sound of
his heart beating.

I rubbed his chest and drifted up to his nipple, lightly tweaking it.
As I did, his heartbeat increased. And when I pinched it harder, it beat even
faster. I played with it for a little while and then lowered my hand listening
to his heart slowing again before I slowly slid my hand down, listening as I
did and when I found him still rock hard, I heard not just his heart rate
increase but a sharp intake in his breath. I smiled against him as I rubbed my
thumb over the tip, spreading the liquid that was there.

“Stephanie.” He warned.

“Hmmmm?”

“That’s not sleeping.”

“No, this is definitely not asleep. It’s wide awake.” I said as I
squeezed him, pleased with myself and my little joke.

He put his hand on mine to still it. “Steph, I’m serious. And I only
have so much self control.”

I tilted my head up to look at him. Now that my eyes had adjusted, I
could see that he was trying so I released my grip and brought my thumb up to
lick it.

“And you think that’s helping with my self-restraint?”

I smiled while sucking and tonguing my thumb suggestively as I shook my
head.

He was on me in a heartbeat, flipping me onto my back and holding my
wrists on either side of me as he sat on me, the full weight of him coupled
with the intensity in his gaze made me go limp. “I can’t keep doing this one
step forward and a hundred steps back. And I don’t want to do it. I only want
to move forward. But every time we have sex you retreat. I don’t know why, or
what happened in your past to make you do that, but it’s obviously a trigger.
So I’m trying here. I’m trying to show you that I’m not the guy you first met.
I don’t want just a fuck in my office, do you understand me?”

I knew my eyes must have been like saucers listening to him. I wasn’t
sure I really understood, but I nodded anyway.

He lowered himself so that his face was just inches away from mine, his
hands still tightly gripping my wrists. “You have no idea how much I want you
right now.” He growled.

“So have me.” I whispered.

He shook his head. “I don’t think you’re ready.” But as he said it he
ground himself into me making me tingle as his cock rubbed right over my clit.

“Keep doing that and I’ll be more than ready.”

He shook his head and rolled off me putting his hands through his hair.
After taking a few deep breaths he turned his head towards me again. “I’m
serious, Steph. You act like you want to just screw around and then when we do,
you can’t handle it after.”

“You’re right.” I said softly.

He stroked my cheek and said, “I know.” I had to chuckle.

“I want to make love to you. I want to bury myself inside you and taste
you and feel you so badly it’s killing me.” He traced my jawbone with his
thumb. “But I don’t think that’s what you really need right now.”

“Well, if you keep talking like that, I’m going to need it a lot more
than you think.”

He smiled. “Let’s just try, ok? Let’s try to slow things down so we can
build up to them. And if that doesn’t work, then we can fuck like bunnies.”

“You drive a hard bargain.”

“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?”

I rolled my eyes and laughed then curled up next to him resting my head
against his chest once again listening to his heartbeat slow. I didn’t know why
he was trying so hard with me, but he was right. I’d tried it the other way
before and I did freak out. And all this talking, intimate talking with a man
in my bed, that was already a huge step forward for me. I was so tired of
moving backwards this was worth a shot.

****

I awoke with a start, disoriented and panicked. Brad was wrapped around
me, my back to his front, his arm snaking my waist, our legs entwined, his
erection pressing into my back. When I realized that I’d actually slept through
the night with him my initial reaction was fear, but it was quickly replaced
with surprise and a sense of pride, pathetic as that may have been.

Trying not to wake him, I eased myself out from his grip, dressed as
quietly as I could, put the leashes on the dogs and let myself out into the
predawn darkness. We ran our usual route, and for the first time, as I played
back events from the previous night, they were all good. There was nothing to
cringe at. Not one thing. I found myself grinning as we ran. I’d taken a huge
step forward. Huge!