Better Than None (16 page)

“People change and forget to tell each other.” Sherri said and I was
surprised. It was rare that people quoted authors I was familiar with.

“Lillian Hellman.” I said and she smiled. We were talking about
relationships, she asked about my folks and Barb was asleep, so I skimmed the
surface.

“I think when they got married they loved each other. At least that’s
what she’s told me. But she grew and changed and he stayed the same. And, well,
after many years of marriage, they finally split.” I didn’t want to betray my
mom by giving her any more details than that.

“That sounds eerily familiar. Not exactly the same circumstances, but
the man I married wasn’t the man I divorced. I don’t think I changed. I don’t
know. Maybe I did. Maybe we both did. I’m not so sure I believe in happily ever
after. I want to. But shit, especially after this? It’s kind of hard to.”

I nodded and kept mum.

“So, no boyfriend?” she asked and I shook my head. I was oddly
comfortable with her.

“Nah. I never believed in the happily ever after either. I’m not so
sure there are any Prince Charmings out there, know what I mean?” She smiled
and nodded. “I’d like to think that there are, but it’s not like the men I read
about.”

“Please don’t tell me you read romance novels!” she implored.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head yes. “I can’t seem to help myself!
Oh my God, Sherri, I’ve never admitted that to another person. Not even my
mother!” We both laughed and then I continued. “And with all this?” I gestured
around the room, “I’m reading more than ever. It’s nice to escape reality once
and a while, know what I mean?”

She nodded. But I wasn’t finished. “Oh, those book of the month clubs
about incest or mothers losing children or famine or cancer! Oy! Why would
anyone want to read that! Real life can be bad enough!”

We were giggling when the humorless Dr. Rosenberg walked up.

“I should put you both in a video showing that chemo isn’t all that
bad.”

We both glared at him and he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Or,
maybe not.”

We all waited in awkward silence as he stood there, his gaze going from
Sherri to myself to the floor before walking away.

Sherri rolled her eyes and shook her head and I chuckled trying to be
sure that whatever I gave away, no one there would know my history with him.

“Sherri, can I ask you a question?” She nodded, the shift in tone
clear. “Do you think he’s good at what he does? Do you think he’s a good
doctor? Aside from his bedside manner. Is my mom’s life in the right person’s
hands?”

She inhaled deeply and the corners of her mouth turned up. She looked
pained before she spoke and I feared she was going to tell me that Dr.
Rosenberg wasn’t any good. So when she finally did speak, I was all ears.

“He may be an ass, but he’s the best there is.” She paused, almost as
though she was fighting with herself. “I’d been to another oncologist, got his
recommended treatment and then ended up here. I have no idea if the other guy’s
course of action would have been as good, but what I do know is that the last
scan showed that the cancer’s gone. This is my last round of chemo.” I was
surprised and saddened that I wouldn’t be seeing her every week, but obviously
happy for her.

“Oh my God, Sherri! That’s wonderful!” I started to get up to hug her,
but she had an IV stuck into the port in her chest. So I squeezed her hand, and
she squeezed back. “I am so happy for you!”

“Thanks,” she said almost sheepishly.

“Sherri?”

“Sorry, I know it’s silly, but I fell guilty telling you…”

“Oh my God, please. Please don’t. If Barb heard you say that, she’d be
sure to make you feel guilty for even thinking that! And in the way only a
Jewish mother can!”

Sherri smiled. “Thanks. It’s still kind of hard for me to believe that
this is the last time I’ll be coming to this God-forsaken place.” She paused
and shook her head, collecting her thoughts. “This is going to sound
ridiculous, but coming here, having cancer… as much as I didn’t want it to
define me, it’s been my life for the last six months. And now… I’m not saying I
don’t know what to do, it’s just…”

I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet, waiting for Sherri to
continue.

“Cancer’s all I’ve thought about for what seems like, well, forever.
And now, I’m supposed to just rejoin my old life, like this was just a
temporary blip on the radar. I’m not making any sense. I sound like I’m not
happy to be better. I am. Lord knows, I am. I just… going back to the way
things were…”

“They’re gonna be different.” I said with authority, startling her.
“Sorry. It’s just that there’s no way they can go back to the same. After what
you’ve been through? How could anything be the same?” Going through this with
Barb, my whole life changed, and we were still in it. I had no idea what was on
the other side, but I already looked at life differently. Maybe because I was
already ready to change so much about who I was. Even still, after this, all of
my perspective had already shifted.

“Yeah, you’re probably right…” Sherri trailed off. It was odd that she
wasn’t jumping for joy, but who knew what her old life was like.

“Anyway, I do have Dr. Sunshine to thank.” I chuckled at her nickname.
“He put me through hell with the treatment he prescribed, but I had waited. I
caught it late. The other doctor wasn’t sure he’d be able to help. But, uh, Dr.
Rosenberg tried an experimental treatment along with some common therapies. And
it’s gone, Stephanie. My cancer is gone.”

She paused again, this time with tears in her eyes. “So yeah, you don’t
have to love him, but he’s a hell of a doctor.”

I nodded, thanked her, and took it all in, relieved that her experience
was as positive as it was and somehow feeling like a heel for dismissing him so
quickly. 

****

That night my cell buzzed while I was still at Barb’s.

Hi.
Was all it read from a number I didn’t recognize.

Who’s this?

It’s Brad. I’d like to see you.

It had been weeks and I’d missed him, wished he’d reach out. So when he
did, right or wrong, I didn’t hesitate.

Ok. Where and when.

I’ll come over. Text me your address.

Shit, I wasn’t expecting that.

I’ll come to you.

No. It’s too easy for you to leave that way. What’s your damn
address?

I laughed. Even in a text he could be an endearing prick. He had me. So
I sent him my address and he replied that he’d be there in a half hour.

I didn’t have much time between fixing food for Barb and tending to her
animals and getting home before Brad showed up. As it was, I pulled up and
headlights pulled up right behind me. We got our of our cars and stood
awkwardly until he leaned in and kissed me on my cheek and whispered, “Hi,
Steph,” practically melting me.

“Um, hi. So, uh, yeah, I just got home obviously, and I need to feed my
dogs and walk them and um, sorry, things just took a while at my mom’s…”

“That’s fine, I’ll walk them with you.”

I did a double take and then, because it was clear I didn’t have any
other option, accepted his offer and led him into my house. As we walked
through, Vincent and Claude both started growling. I snapped my fingers and
looked at them, making them both sit and relax their ears, but I wasn’t
surprised either by their reaction or Brad’s, who was suddenly behind me.

“You have pit bulls?” He asked incredulously.

I laughed and nodded. “Still want to take that walk with me?” I asked
turning over my shoulder.

“So long as they’re not going to maul me to death.”

“They’re just protective, that’s all. They’ve never met a man.” I
didn’t turn around to get his reaction.

“What do you mean they’ve never met a man?”

“I mean, I’ve never had a man inside my house. Congratulations. You’re
the first.” I started walking towards them and knelt, petting them, receiving
their kisses. Brad stayed exactly where he was, by the door.

“If I’m the first, then how do you know they’re not going to kill me?”

I laughed and turned around. “I don’t. But you were so insistent on
coming over to my place…”

He backed up a step and I laughed again. The big impressive doctor was
terrified.

“Brad, if I thought they were going to hurt you, I wouldn’t have let
you in. I’m not such a nut-job that I’d put you in danger. Trust me on this.”
He didn’t relax. “Look, we’ll go for a walk, you’ll feed them, and in their
world, walk plus food equals love. Or at least it means a stay of execution.”

After all the years of never having anyone in my house, it was an odd
feeling. Perhaps it was just because of the dogs, but I felt like I had home
field advantage. Instead of freaking out that he was there, I was surprisingly
comfortable.

He still regarded me skeptically as I got their leashes and led all of
us out the door. The sidewalk wasn’t wide enough for all of us so Vincent and
Claude stayed to my left and Brad trailed behind at first.

“What are their names?” He asked and I told him, then added, “after Van
Gogh and Monet,” before he could ask.

“Ok, doctor chicken, come here and take their leashes.”

He hesitated but not for long. He took the leashes and after both dogs
did a double take and sniffed him, they continued to follow his lead as I
walked backwards in front of all three. The dogs were busy sniffing trees,
peeing and doing their business, all the while watching me, and alternately
looking at Brad. None of the males could quite figure out what was going on,
but with all the power and testosterone, I was the alpha dog. That thought
cracked me up and I couldn’t help but smile.

When we got back to the house, I suggested that Brad do the honors of
feeding them so as to win their acceptance and ensure that he’d get out of
there in one piece. It didn’t take much convincing on my part and once both
dogs were happily munching away, we were finally left alone with each other.

“So, pit bulls?” he asked again and I smiled as I rolled my eyes.

“They’re misunderstood.”

“Like many of us.” He countered.

“Exactly.” I was grateful for the initial distraction of the dog walk
as it allowed me to find my footing without too much worry. “I don’t have
scotch, but I can offer you wine or vodka or beer.”

It was odd being a hostess. I really never had anyone over other than
my mother, and I was immediately aware that I didn’t have much to offer the
man.

“Wine would be great, thank you.”

I focused on opening the wine, retrieving the glasses and pouring as I
listened to Vincent and Claude munch on their food. I didn’t look much at Brad.
Just knowing he was there was enough to make me unsteady. 

“Cheers.” We said to each other as we toasted and I motioned for us to
sit. The kitchen table might not have been the perfect place to share wine, but
I still wasn’t sure why he was even there.

After a long silence and one of Brad’s now famous stares, I spoke up.
“So, you wanted to see me?”

“I missed you.”

I spit my wine, thankfully back into my glass and coughed a bit making
Brad laugh.

“I didn’t realize it was that ridiculous of a notion.”

“Well, you’ve seen me in clinic and haven’t given me the time of day.
It’s a little hard to know which end is up with you.” I paused. “And after the
way I left you last time… well, I can’t say I blame you.”

He nodded and shrugged. “I was trying to give you space, but you do
realize it’s a two way street, right? I certainly don’t hold all the cards.” Of
course, he was right. After so many years of not giving men the power to make
the decision, I had somehow assumed that it was his call as to whether or not
to pursue something with me.

“And then?”

“And then I saw you laughing with Sherri today and I was tired of
waiting. I wanted to see you.”

I couldn’t help myself. “Why do you keep trying with me? Haven’t I
proven to you that I’m just going to keep fucking it up? You think that because
you pushed your wife away and ignored her that if you do the opposite with me
it’ll work?”

“Maybe.” He acknowledged.

“Why don’t you hate me for walking out on you every single time? I’d
hate me.” Then I said softly something I didn’t really realize until that
moment. “I do hate me, sometimes. I do the very thing I hate myself for, and I
keep doing it.”

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different
results.” He said flatly.

It actually helped pull my head out of my ass and made me laugh. “Now
you’re calling me insane.”

He shrugged.

“Well what does that make you?”

“I don’t know, Steph. And I don’t have the answers to your questions.
I’m not going to fix you and you’re not going to fix me. But for whatever
reason, I like you. Fucked up as you may be. And I wanted to see you and be
with you.” he took a long pull on his wine. “And I didn’t want you running away
from me this time.”

Just then the doorbell rang surprising the hell out of me. Vincent and
Claude started barking.

“I’ll get it.” Brad said with a cocky smile.

“Excuse me?”

“Did I stutter?” he flashed a grin. “You might want to hold the killers
back so we don’t scare off the pizza boy.” He gestured to Vincent and Claude who
were going a bit nuts. Confused, I quieted the dogs and held them as Brad made
his way to the front door like it was the most normal thing in the world. He
made a quick transaction with, indeed a pizza delivery boy, and then turned
around with an even wider shit-eating grin.

“Grab the wine and some plates, napkins, and um, I’m guessing through
here to the family room?”

I stared in disbelief as I watched his back walk into the family room.
It took me a minute to get everything and meet him in there where I found him
fumbling with the remote. “You can pick the movie.” He said, still grinning.
Vincent and Claude had already followed him in, the smell of the pizza
betraying their loyalty to me.