Better Than Me (9 page)

Chapter 12
: NOW-November/December

Othello opens to much acclaim.  It deserves it.  The actors, especially the ones playing Othello and Iago, are superb. The sets are simple and elegant.  Davis’ lighting makes them shine.  I never thought much about sound design, but after hanging around this production, I have a bigger appreciation.  It was excellent.  After the curtain comes down and the actors have left, I use one of their dressing rooms to change for the opening night party.  Nothing over the top, just a little black dress with a huge red silk rose on one shoulder and my prize possession—black Christian Louboutin pumps with red soles.  I saved a long time for them.  I could have bought six or seven dresses for the price of them and I love them.   I pass the “PJ test,” when he checks out my outfit and deems it worthy. 

When I ask
him, “Really?”  all he say is, “Bizzy, Gays don’t lie about fashion.”

In
exaggerated faux shock I exclaim, “What?...You…You’re…Gay???”

I’ve got PJ giggling.  He teas
es right back and in his “butch-est” voice replies, “Damn, girl, and I thought I was hiding it so well.”  PJ turns as a guest enters.  Jake has arrived in the costume shop.  He is wearing “the Jake look.”  Vintage grey suit, white shirt, skinny tie.  He could be on the cover of a jazz album.

“Well, hello h
andsome,” PJ says to greet Jake, “butch-voice” now completely abandoned.  PJ pouts a little air kiss to me as he exits.  “You have fun tonight, Miss Bizzy.”

“You, too, PJ…can’t wait to see your ensemble.”

Jake clears his throat to get my attention.  “You look great, Bizzy,”  Jake compliments.

“You clean up pretty good yourself,
Mr., Gianni.”

I gather my sparkly clutch purse and take Jake’s arm to head out to the party at The Lum. 
I’ve already told myself I am not going to drink tonight.  The Halloween party taught me a lesson.  I am going to carry a red cup, but drink water.  That way everyone will leave me alone about drinking, and I can have a good time.  Peer pressure still exists after you turn 21.

I have also told myself I am going to focus on Jake and quit with all the mind chatter about Davis. 
He’s just a friend and can be nothing more.  Nothing more. 
I find myself in need of my mantra, something I haven’t consciously needed in a while. 
I can do this.  I can so totally do this.  I can do this.  I can do this. 
I need it more than I thought.

It’s only minutes before Jake and I run in
to Davis.  And of course, he looks devastatingly handsome tonight.  I’ve never seen him more attractive, probably because I’ve never seen him so dressed up.  Who am I kidding?  I think he looks hot in anything.  He is wearing a sharp, fitted black suit and a crisp white shirt with no tie. The suit is well made.  Expensive. His hair is combed back slightly away from his face and his eyes…Whoa… they are greener than ever.  Maybe it’s because I’ve forced myself not to look at him over the past week.  Maybe it’s missing him.  His beautiful face just crushes me.

Then I see he’s not alone.  “Lizar…”  he stops himself before he calls me by his nickname for me. “Biz…Jake…
this is my fiancée, Kathleen.”  We all shake hands.  Jake makes a point of telling her “how very nice it is to finally meet Davis’ girl.”  I would be cold and snippy, but Kathleen is too nice.  Beautiful thick, long, dark, dark brown flowing hair draped over one shoulder and dark brown eyes.  My eyes are a unimpressive grey-green color.  Hazel, I guess people call it.  Every time I hear “Hazel,” I think of a witch, so I call them grey-green.  Kathleen looks so glamorous compared to me. And tall, dammit.  Where I am petite and curvy, she is tall and statuesque.  In her heels, she is almost as tall as Davis.  I barely come up to anyone’s chin.

“Biz, it is so good to meet you.  Davis loves working with you.  He is always telling me funny stories about you.”
Oh, yeah, that’s me.  The funny “friend.”

“
You, too.  Yeah, Mavis is great,” I say half-heartedly.  Broken heartedly.  I notice she pinches her eyebrows together when I say “Mavis,” but says nothing.

This isn’t working.
  I am dying inside. Focus.  Focus on Jake.

Jake jumps into the conversation and is quickly occupy
ing Kathleen’s attention, quizzing her about music and telling her about Boxwood.

I feel
, rather than see, Davis slightly to my side, “You look really pretty,” he whispers down, brushing his lips near my ear.  I stay facing Jake and Kathleen, but push my lips together to keep from inhaling or sobbing, I don’t know which. 

“Thank you,” I reply almost voiceless.
  His breath and touch so near to me make me shake.  I feel the familiar warm sensation heating up in my heart and beginning to move lower. I’m surprised the whole room doesn’t feel it.  He touches my elbow briefly.  When he removes his hand, I miss his touch immediately.  Davis moves to collect his fiancée from Jake.

Jake and I make our way around the party.
  Every now and then, I catch sight of Davis and Kathleen.  He is whispering in her ear and holding her hand.  She smiles up at him with a smile I recognize.  It’s how I imagine I look at him sometimes.  I make up my mind to stop looking at them…him, for the rest of the night.  I decide to act like I am having a great time in hopes that I eventually really will.  I wrap myself around Jake, nuzzle his ear, give him quick kisses.  He seems really pleased and lights up with every bit of affection I give him.  Perhaps I have been holding back too much.  He IS very sweet.  He slowly walks me out to the front porch. I like him touching the small of my back to lead me out the front door.  We walk slowly over to the corner of the porch by a large pillar in between two railings.  He turns in front of me to lean against the pillar and pulls me to him, sliding his hand from my back to my waist.

Looking me pointedly in the eyes, he touches my chin with his index finger, “Do you know how hard it is to get alone time with you?”
  I shake my head.  “And do you have any idea how hot you look tonight?”  Again, I shake my head no.  “I swear I saw at least ten guys looking at you.”  His hand has moved to my hair and the one on my waist is pulling me closer.  I have all but forgotten about Davis.  Davis and Kathleen.  His hand in my hair at the back of my neck, Jake pulls my face toward him for a kiss.  I place both my hands on his chest.  I’m ready, either way, to give in or push away, I haven’t decided quite yet.  Then I feel his lips on mine and I just want to wipe away the sad I feel about Davis.   And the stupidityI feel about liking him.  So I give in.  To Jake. To myself.  And I kiss him, letting him part my lips and slip his tongue in.  I even sigh in the relief of letting go.   I’m sure Jake takes it for passion.  We are standing so close, my thighs are straddling his as we lean against the pillar.  I am just at the point of caving to the physical sensations that are creeping up on me and pushing myself right into him.

“Oh, that is so cute,” I hear a girl’s voice say.
  It stops me from continuing to kiss Jake.  He is still going, but I’m paralyzed.  I pull away from him and turn just my head toward the voice.  It’s Kathleen.  And Davis is right next to her, putting his jacket around her shoulders as they head out of the party.  Freezing where he stands; he pierces me with his stare.  His eyebrows come together and the corners of his lips move down in a frown.  Never releasing my gaze, he leans down and whispers into Kathleen’s ear.  When he comes up from the whisper, he looks at Jake quickly.  Jake is mumbling something to me about ignoring them, but I don’t hear him.  I am like a moth to the flame, being pulled into Davis’ emerald eyes.  I feel the pull I always do, but it feels heavier, almost dangerous now.

“Jake,”
Davis says, acknowledging him with a growl. “Can I speak with Biz a second, it’s a Space thing.”

“Can’t it wait, Davis?”  I ask
, a bit annoyed.  I was just getting to a point where I was going to let Jake help me forget Davis and Bam!, there he is.

“No, Biz
,”  He insists,  “It can’t.”

Stepping backward and away, I apologize to Jake and stride
toward Davis. He doesn’t touch me, but somehow herds me to the other end of the porch, leaving Jake to entertain Kathleen.  She looks confused.

When he finally stops and turns me around by the elbow, releasing it quickly, it’s obvious he is mad.  In an angry whisper h
e snaps out at me, “What the fuck are you doing?”  I shake my head in confusion and scowl at him, “I’m kissing my date.  My… my boyfriend.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No.”

“Do you really know what you are doing tonight?
” Davis questions.

I don’t respond.

“Biz… Lizard Breath…Baby, what are you thinking?”

And for the first time all night, I am honest with myself.  “I don’t know wha
t I’m thinking.  Don’t call me Baby or Lizard Breath.  Don’t.  Not anymore.  Ever.  You’re…You’re with her.  And I…I’m gonna be with Jake.”

“Is that what you want?”

I can’t have what I want.
  I say the first part of the thought to myself, but inadvertently say, “What I want,” out loud.  I add sarcastically, “It’s what you told me I should do.”

Davis’ mouth opens in shock and he’s about to say something in retort, when I run over and grab Jake’s hand, telling him it’s time to go.  I march off the porch with Jake following me, confused.  I turn one last time and say loudly, “Come on Jake, let’s go back to the dorm.”  As I say it I look right into Davis’ eyes.  He is speechless and appears defeated.  Good.  Now he knows how I’ve felt all night.  How I’ve felt every night since he left for Thanksgiving.

Tugging Jake’s hand, we barrel down the few blocks to the
dorm from The Lum.  He’s asking me questions non-stop.

“What the hell was that?  What did he say?

I turn quickly, so quickly Jake has to grab my arms to keep me from falling backward on my ass like an idiot. 

“Hey, what the fuck, Biz?
”  he asks again.

I lie.  “Davis is sticking his nose in and givi
ng advice where none is needed.”  Then I add a bit of the truth, “He’s so damn perfect and righteous.”

Jake snorts. “He’s far from
perfect.  And he’s giving YOU advice?  About what?  Us? Me?” Jake questions with a less than thrilled tone.

“Just….just stuff,” I lie again.
A lie of omission.  Finally, coming down from my anger I add, “It’s frustrating.”  Because it is.

“Screw Davis!”  Jake pulls me toward him with a rapid movement and covers my mouth with his in a series of kisses
in between which he states, “He... should… pay… attention… to his girl… and leave mine alone.” 

I’m Jake’s girl?
  Do I want to be “Jake’s Girl?”

Extracting my lips from Jake’s mouth to contemplate what he just said, I see the large black Cadillac Esc
alade pull up next to us on the street.  It slows briefly enough for Davis’ eyes to make contact with mine and burn right into my soul before speeding up and tearing out of sight.

Well, I’m definitely not DAVIS’ girl.

I give my full attention back to Jake and his lips, that in the time I spied the car have traveled down my neck.  Jake was totally unaware of Davis’ car. 
              “Hmm, you smell so good, Biz, “ he huskily says into my ear.

I am keyed up, angry, frustrated and yes, turned on, in a bizarre way.  How dare Davis question me?  He doesn’t have to be alone tonigh
t.  He is going home with Miss Sweet and Perfect.  I’m alone.  A lot.  I’ve been alone since Neil screwed me over.  No… before that…  I was an only child.  As an adult, I’ve been alone since I can remember.  Friends, but nobody that was mine.  No real boyfriend.  No real love.  I’m sick of it.

My body is reacting to Jake’s attentions, but I am way inside my head. 

Jake doesn’t notice I’m not really there, since my body is acting like it is. “Should we go to my room, Biz?” Jake asks, pulling me out of my dreaming/moping.

“Sure…Yeah.”

I can’t get Davis’ voice out of my mind,
“Do you really know what you are doing tonight?  Is that what you want?”

What AM
I doing?

When we get to the landing of the second floor of Lawrence,
Jake turns me quickly and pushes me up against the wall.  He apparently can’t wait to get to his room to start.  He trails hot, soft kisses from right below my ear, down my neck and across my collarbone to my shoulder.  Reaching down he pulls my knee up to his hip, positioning his now obvious erection right between my legs.  He slides up my body.  Oh, hell.  I haven’t been touched like this in so long.  Jake has been beyond patient and he is kind to me.  I tilt my pelvis, pushing into his hardness,  when…

WAAWAAWAAWAAAWAAWAAWAAWAAAWAAA.  The fire alarm goes off.

It stops our movement.  My eyes widen as I push him off.  My mind flies immediately to my RA duties in an emergency and off my current position on the stairs with Jake.  Ignoring situations like fire drills is what almost lost me my RA job last year.  I can’t screw up again.