Better Than Me (10 page)

“Hey, I gotta go,” I yell at Jake as I leave and run up the stairs to my floor. “Get to your floor’s meeting place.”

Running up the stairs I see several of the fifth floor residents scrambling down.  I make mental notes of who I’ve seen.  Once on five I move quickly down the hall, knocking on every door.  It’s after midnight.  Some sound sleepers might not have awoken to the alarm.  In the hall the noise is deafening and the seizure-inducing lights are flashing in rhythm with the alarm.  I wake a few people and move them along.  Funny.  I haven’t seen or smelled any smoke, but that doesn’t mean anything.  My emergency training has taught me it could be electrical or in a different part of the building.  It doesn’t matter, fire spreads quickly.

If nobody answers the door I’m knocking on
, I take my master key and unlock it to make sure the room is clear.  Once I know there is no one left on the floor, I head down to the pre-determined meeting spot for my floor on the south side of the building.  Odd numbered floor residents meet on the south, even floors on the north.  I’m sure Jake is with his floor on the other side of the building.

Any excitement
I so recently felt to be with Jake is gone, replaced with concern and responsibility for my peers.  Many of the residents are in pajamas; some with no shoes.  A few couples are even naked and wrapped up in blankets.  Looking around, I spot Jules and Charlie.  They are one of the blanket couples.  I chuckle to myself.  Figures.  I am also relieved that they are safe.  Fire alarms going off and mandatory evacuation is one way to find out who is hooking up. 

It’s a good fifteen minute
s out in the cold November night air before the Fire Marshall calls the all clear, letting us know it’s safe to return to our rooms.

Tire
d, cold and still a bit dazed from the excitement of the fire alarm, not to mention my run-in with Davis and making out with Jake, I don’t even look for Jake on the way in.  I need to make sure my floor is settled and that any students accidently locked out in the rush of evacuation can get into their room.

Finally back in my room for the night, I flop myself into my bed, squirming and wiggling out of my clothes, too tired to do it standing up.  Jake hasn’t called or texted.  No knock on my door.  Guess he just went to bed.  I am asleep in no time.

***

Tuesday’s RA staff meeting includes a debriefing about the fire alarm. The rumor going around is that some of the international students were cooking in the dorm kitchens and a grease fire broke out.

The official report is that a pull station on the first floor near the front entrance to the dorm was activated.  There are no signs of smoke or fire damage in that area.

Chapter 13
: NOW-December

The run of Othello feels like it has gone by fast.  I no longer have either of my escorts home at night.  Jake is either too busy getting ready for finals or at Boxwood practice, and Davis… Davis is staying far away from me.  He is professional when we interact at The Space, but the lightheartedness is gone.  He hasn’t called me Lizard Breath since I told him not to.  I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.  I know it’s about Jake, making out with Jake in front of him at the party.  He thinks I slept with Jake and he seems pissed or disappointed in me or something. I keep trying to think of ways to talk to him about it.  I just can’t seem to find the right moment.  If I do talk to him about it, I’ll sound like an idiot.  I’m sure he took Kathleen home and had sex with her opening night, so I don’t know why he is being cold to me.  It’s all so tense and awkward now.  I don’t know what to do.

The Sund
ay afternoon the show closes I have a dinner break before I have to go back and help with “strike,” the taking down of the production of Othello.  It’s when all the sets are removed and disassembled, the costumes cleaned and returned to storage and the props put away.  I haven’t really hung out with Jake, except in the cafeteria at lunch.  He told me that after the fire alarm went off and he finally got back to his room, he just fell asleep.  I have no reason not to believe him.  I did the same thing.  I catch myself wondering if we really are “into this”… whatever “this” is?  If we really were, wouldn’t we be desperate to see each other?  I decide that before I head out to The Space, I will find him and apologize.  Maybe “course correct” a little since we were interrupted by the alarm.  I text him several times, but get no response.  I don’t have a lot of time to wait around, so I gather my bag and things for strike.  I swing by his room on the chance he is there to at least start a conversation.  After knocking on his door a few times, the door next to his opens.  His suite mate tells me he’s not home.  That he hasn’t been there for a few days, at least while the suite mate has been there. 

“Okay, thanks for letting me know.  If you see him, can you tell him Biz is looking for him?”  I request.

“No problem.”

I check the turrets, just in
case there is a Sunday Game Afternoon going on.  Nobody is there, so I head down the hall to the main staircase.

With one foot on the stairs to head out to The Space, I decide to text Jake one more time.  A few seconds a
fter I push SEND, I hear a phone’s alert tone.  It sounds like Jake’s.  His tone is very distinctive.  I’ve heard it before.  That’s so weird.  Probably just a coincidence.  But then it alerts again.  I follow the alert noise.  It leads me to the door of Suzette’s room.  My hand goes up to knock, when I hear the very obvious sounds of people having sex. Suzette having sex.  And Jake’s phone is in there?  I am paralyzed outside the room.  Jake and Suzette? 
No, it’s a coincidence.  Suzette probably just has the same alert tone.
  There’s one thing I can try and then I’ll be sure.  I pull out my phone and call Jake.  I rarely call anyone except my parents and Jules, mostly I just text.  I don’t know his ringtone.  But, again, a few seconds after sending, I hear a phone ringing in Suzette’s room.  I hear scrambling in the room and the ringing stops.  GODDAMNIT.  Again!!  It’s happening to me again. I am such a fool.  A trusting, ridiculous fool.

Frozen in front of Suzette’s
door, I begin to weep.  They could open it at any time and see me.  I gotta get out of here.  I sniffle and wipe at my eyes.  I am in shock.  REALLY, Again?  It’s all I can process.  I move and am halfway down the first flight, when I hear the door open.  Good, they didn’t see me.

“It was Biz.  I have a few texts and she just called.”  I hear Jake say to Suzette.

“What are you going to say to her?”

“That I was talking to you…” and then Jake sees me
, evidently, because right as I hit the landing below and am almost out of sight he yells down at me, “Hey, Bizzy...”  I can hear the fakeness in his voice. “ I just got your messages.” 
Yeah, I know you did.
“What’s up?”  I see Suzette come out and stand beside him and whisper something I can’t hear. 

“Uh, nothing urgent.”  I
pause on the stairs and yell back up, plastering on a fake smile and utilizing the calmest voice I can muster.

Jake starts to explain, “Sorry, I miss
ed them.  I was just…talking… to…Suz.”

I don’t want to hear it.
  I yell up at them,  “It’s cool, I’ll talk to you later.  I gotta get to The Space for strike.”

I refuse to l
et them see me fall apart.  I have moved out of their visual range, but I can hear them talking to each other above me.  I can’t really make out anything other than Suzette saying, “with Davis,” and then the door closing.  With Davis?  What the hell does that mean?  Was she with Davis, too?  Does she think I was with Davis?  I mentally kick myself the entire walk to The Space.  DAMMIT.  This is just the type of thing I did not want to happen this year. Exactly what I’d planned to avoid.  In trying to look and act normal, I’d gotten myself into another triangle.  Almost to the costume shop, I can’t stop the tears from coming.  They are part sadness and another part total frustration and anger at myself.  I know better.  Have I learned nothing?  Am I worried about my feelings, my lack of control, or what others will think?  Getting to the costume shop, I close the door behind me and throw my stuff on the table.

“Biz?...What’s going on? The door was closed... Are you okay?” Davis asks me softly.   After my awkward and suspicious meet-up with Jake and Suzette on the stairs outside of her room, I have retreated to stand in the corner of The Space’s laundry/costume/all-purpose area to lick my wounds.  I am looking up at a light above me.  I’ve heard if you look up with your eyes only when you want to cry it will help you stop.  It isn’t working.  Tears are popping out of my eyes and running down my cheeks.  I’m pretty sure I look… Awesome.  Awesomely red nosed and snotty.  It’s an ugly cry, but, thankfully, not loud.  Davis has moved toward me, I can feel him behind me and off to my left.  I am feeling conflicted.  I want him here.  I don’t want him here. Why is he being sweet to me now, after being so cold all week?  I want to see him and have him hug me or hold my hand.  That need seems hypocritical after my suspicions about Jake and Suzette.  I push down the guilt. 

Sort of squattin
g down in front of me to meet me at teary eye level and wrapping his hand gently around my elbow, Davis again asks, “Hey, you okay?”  I relax the minute he touches me.  Just his voice and the look of concern in his soulful green eyes set me off.  I immediately throw my arms around his waist and bury my face in his chest, as he stands to catch me. I sort of fall into him.  I have missed him so much. 

“I am an idiot. . .How could I let myself be made such a fool of again?  I must have some so
rt of sticker on me that says, “‘Please cheat and whore around on me.’”

Davis pulls my face up from his chest
with his hands.  He wipes away my tears with both of his thumbs while holding my face. “What?   What are you talking about?  You’re not a…”  I describe everything I witnessed with Jake and Suzette.  Spill out the whole scene.  The noises.  The cell phone ringing.  Suzette’s insinuating tone when I overheard her say “with Davis.”  He is shaking his head in disbelief.  He pulls me into him, wrapping his arms around me, as I sob.  He is stroking my back with his thumbs.  I like it so much when he does that.  I pull away and look deep into his eyes.  Davis is here.  HE is holding me.  HE is comforting me.  HE is the one… that has leaned down and is softly kissing the tears on my lips away.

“Biz…
no.” 

It feels so right. Just like his hugs and touches always have.  Our kissing deepens.  Davis’ tongue parts my lips. And I let him.  He licks my upper lip and then my lower lip before running his tongue across mine.  I let out a soft groaning hum and he reciprocates.  I pull him in tighter to me.
  He responds, his hands firmly on my hips and then moves them around to cup my bottom.  Kissing him is wiping away all the pain and uncertainty of a moment ago.  I can feel how excited he is against my stomach.  That causes an hot achy throb to develop between my legs.  Pulling each other closer, rocking in rhythm against one another, we both hum aloud with pleasure.

Then, suddenly Davis pulls away, holding me slightly away from him, “What are you doing, Biz?” he asks.

“What do you mean…What am
I
doing?...What are
you
doing?” I reply and blink away tears. 

He looks me dead in the eyes, “No
…I can’t.”  He turns quickly, his arms tense and his hands balled in fists. He’s on the move before I can get a thought from my head to my mouth, like
Stop, Wait….Don’t leave…Talk to me… I don’t want you to leave.  I want you.  I WANT my friend.  I WANT YOU, DAVIS.  
As this realization takes hold, he is gone.  I am just standing there, paralyzed by my thoughts.  Aching for him to come back.  I know what I want.

Chapter 14: NOW-Winter Break

Winter break starts in tw
o days, but Davis is conspicuously absent from The Space, from the cafeteria, from Weldon.  He hasn’t been around since yesterday. . .and the kissing. . . .and the leaving.  I wonder where he is.  Why he left so suddenly.  Did he take his finals?  He is supposed to graduate this semester.  Will that still happen?  I don’t ask.  Nobody says a word about his whereabouts.  They are all too busy packing up to go home for the holidays. 

M
ost of the two days, I hide out in my room.  I sneak into the cafeteria one time each day around lunch, after I know Suzette is gone.  Jake hasn’t been around, thankfully.  Jules usually texts me with the all-clear.   She knows all about the Jake and Suzette issue.  She knows I am avoiding.  When I get to the cafeteria, Jules moves down for me, moving closer to Charlie.  He says, “Hey.”  Jules is my friend and Charlie is Jake’s.  It makes this all kinds of awkward. 

Jules asks, “Biz.  How are you doing?  What’s your plan for winter break…and stuff?”   And stuff.  Meaning, what’s going on with Jake.  I d
on’t think she has a clue about my kissing Davis.  I haven’t told her.  I feel really alone.  A few days ago, I had what I thought was a boyfriend and a best friend.  Jake wasn’t really a boyfriend, I am coming to realize.  I don’t really know what Davis means to me.  I just know I want him around. All the time.  I am confused.  Now, they are both gone. 

“My plan, Jules
, is to pack up and go home for the holidays.  I haven’t thought much beyond that.  I don’t want to talk to Jake yet.  I want to act like nothing happened.  I wish I could find Da…”  I cut myself off before I accidentally say Davis’ name.  “So, I go home, act normal and don’t freak my parents out.  I think I did enough of that last year.  THAT is my plan.”

“Let me know how that works out for you,” Jules smirks.  “No, really, keep in touch, call me, text me.  If you can’t keep up the façade for your folks, run away for a coffee and call me.”  Giving her a sideways hug and swallowing a couple of times, I squeak out, “Thanks, Jules.  You know I will.”

Home is four hours away by car, but I don’t have a car.  My parents gave me the choice of the bus and Christmas presents or the plane and none. I chose the plane.  It’s a one-hour flight.  I don’t need any extra time to mope before I get home and have to slap on the “fake face” for almost three weeks.  I have been moping for the past few days.  Every time I went into the cafeteria or walk down the halls to a final I rely on my mantra. 
I can do this.  I can SO do this.
  Sometimes I would add a “Totally” if I was feeling especially fragile. 
I can SO totally do this. 

My parents meet me at the airport by baggage claim.  Dad asks me how my flight was. 

I tell him, “Fine,” because it was uneventful and really all I was doing was feeling sad, lonely and stupid the entire flight.  Mom tells me I look a little tired.  I blame it on finals and packing.  It will be nice to be home for a while and not have things around that remind me of Jake… or Davis.  Things that remind me of how I seem to be repeating my pattern of stupidity from last year when I swore to myself I wouldn’t.  Actually being at home sort of DOES remind me of last year’s failures.