Better Off Friends (6 page)

“Cool,” Danielle said in a way that you could tell she found it the opposite of cool. “Well, I need to hit the little girls’ room before I watch Paul Grohl be romantic and dashing for ninety minutes.”

“I’ll join you!” Emily grabbed Danielle by the arm and headed toward the restrooms.

“Hey!” Levi finally acknowledged my existence.

“Hey.” I decided not to act like it wasn’t awkward.

“Listen,” he began. “I was thinking that maybe on Wednesday we could go grab a bite to eat and do some shopping. I totally need help picking out what to get my mom for Christmas.”

I let the icicles that were beginning to form around me melt a little. He was making an effort. He was also asking me to help him with his mom’s gift because I knew her better. I knew
him
better. Maybe I was being a little harsh. I wasn’t being replaced. Because that was really what I thought was happening.

I was being foolish. Levi would never replace me.

We’d solidified our plans by the time Emily and Danielle came back from the restroom.

“Ready?” Emily grabbed Levi’s hand.

“Yeah.” Levi winked at me. “Have fun!”

“You too,” I replied.

And I meant it.

Levi and Emily weren’t the problem. My attitude was. Clearly, there was something wrong with me that I got threatened the second my two best friends didn’t give me one hundred percent of their attention.

I knew right then what my New Year’s resolution would be: to stop being so needy.

Once I gave myself an attitude adjustment, I began to smile whenever I saw Levi and Emily together. I remembered reading somewhere that if you smile at something, it automatically makes you happier.

So whenever Levi or Emily would bring up the other, I’d smile.

Soon it became an automatic response.

Levi and I were walking around the mall, our hands full of shopping bags. “So I was telling Emily” —
SMILE!
— “that I still haven’t gotten used to this weather. I know everybody said last winter was particularly brutal, but I think this year’s even worse. Like, negative degrees? How can it be so cold that the temperature doesn’t even exist? Or, like, it’s less than zero? How is that even possible? At least Emily has promised to keep me warm.”

SMILE!
I didn’t know what else to do. I had to play a role, a happier version of myself so he wanted to still spend time with me.

Levi took my silence as an invitation to continue. “Yeah, so I was also kinda hoping you could help me pick out something for Emily.”

SMILE!

“Oh, awesome!” Levi replied.

Even though I didn’t say anything, my stupid grin made it seem like I’d be more than happy to help him pick out a gift.

Levi led me to a jewelry store. “You’re so cool. I didn’t know if it’d be weird to ask you. But who knows Emily better than you?”

He had a point. I didn’t understand why I was freaking out over this. He was still the same Levi. It had only been a matter of time before one of us would start dating somebody. And in a way, this would stop people from thinking we were an item.

“Of course I’ll help pick something,” I conceded. “What were you thinking?”

“Well, I was here last week with my mom and saw this necklace and wanted to get your opinion.” He led me over to a glass case full of different silver and gold necklaces. He pointed to one that was in the middle. “This one, but with an
E
.”

My heart dropped when I saw which one he was referring to. It was a silver necklace with a small round pendant with the letter
P
engraved on it.

I took a few steps back. It felt like the floor was unsteady.

I heard Levi asking me if I was okay, but I couldn’t concentrate. Everything around me was a blur. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, I couldn’t really do anything.

“I can’t breathe, I need to …” I stumbled out of the store and quickly sat on the floor near a fountain. I put my head between my knees and tried to steady my breath.

“Macallan, what’s wrong?” Levi’s voice cracked. “Please, talk to me.”

Sobs started to come out. I had trouble catching my breath. I needed to breathe. I needed to calm down and breathe.

But I couldn’t. Just when I thought I was getting better, something always knocked me on my side. And it was always,
always
when I least expected it.

“Macallan?” He took out his phone. “Mr. Dietz, I’m with Macallan, I don’t know what’s going on. I think she’s having some sort of panic attack.”

Not my father
, I thought.
Please don’t bring my dad into this.

I somehow found the strength to reach out and touch Levi’s leg.

“Wait, she’s getting my attention.” Levi kneeled down. “Your dad wants to talk to you.”

Levi lifted the receiver to my ear. “Calley, sweetie, what is it?” My father’s voice was so worried. I hated that I was doing this to him. “Please talk to me.”

“It … was …” I tried to calm myself down, but hearing Dad’s voice made it worse. I took a deep breath. “Tell him about the necklace.”

It was all I could get out, but enough for Dad to understand.

I watched Levi listen to what Dad was telling him. His face went white.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” His voice was so low and quiet. “I didn’t know.” I couldn’t tell if he was apologizing to Dad or me. Probably both.

Of course he didn’t know. How could he have? How could he have known that my mom had worn a very similar necklace with the letter
M
that my dad gave her the day they brought me home from the hospital? How could he have known that she wore it every single day? How could he have known that she died wearing it? That she was buried with it?

Levi hung up the phone and sat down next to me. He put his arm around me, and I leaned against his shoulder. “Your dad is on his way. I’m so sorry, Macallan. I’m so sorry that I didn’t know. I’m so sorry that I had to remind you of something so hurtful. I’m so sorry I don’t know how to help you with this big part of your life. If it’s even possible. I’m so sorry that I don’t know what to say right now.”

He paused for a second, but just having him there, having him near me, was what I needed. “I know I’ve been a total idiot lately and haven’t really been around. And I’m sorry for that, too. I know I don’t know a lot, but what I do know is that I’m going to be here. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, you know you can count on me, don’t you? Nothing will ever change that. Nothing. You do know that, right?”

I don’t think I truly knew it for sure until that very instant. And even though my heart was being ripped apart by the memory of my mother, I let Levi’s kind gesture help patch it.

I realized it was time for Levi to meet someone.

We were bundled up as we made our way up the hill. Levi had been quiet on the ride over. I wasn’t sure how he would react, but I knew it was time for me to open up to him.

We approached our destination. Levi a few paces behind me, his head down.

“Levi, I’d like you to meet my mom.” I stood next to her gray marble gravestone. “Mom, this is Levi. I told you about him.” I brushed off some of the snow that was on top of the stone.

“Hi,” Levi said softly.

“Come sit.” I took out a blanket and laid it on the cold ground. “I wanted to bring you here so I could tell you a little about my mom.” My voice started to quiver. This was what I’d been afraid of. It was really hard to talk about Mom without getting sad. But the therapist I saw after she died said it was important for me to talk about her. To share my memories of her with other people.

I wished Levi could’ve met my mom. She would’ve loved him.

“She …” I began, but felt the sting behind my eyes.

“It’s okay,” Levi said. “You don’t have to if it’s too hard.”

“I want to.”

“Can I start?” he asked. “Um, Mrs. Dietz, I’m Levi. I’m sure Macallan has told you all about me. And, well, none of it’s true, unless she told you I’m awesome.”

A small, grateful laugh escaped my throat.

“Yeah, I met her on the first day of school and you should know how nice she was to me. I’ve seen pictures of you at the house, so I know where she got her looks. And, um, she’s a ridiculous student. It’s kinda annoying really.” He looked worriedly at me. “Is this okay?”

I liked that he was having a conversation with Mom as he would if she were here. “Yeah, it’s great.”

“Okay, so, like, when I first met her, I thought she hated me. You see, I had this long hair and I’m pretty sure she thought I was a hippie or something. But then she found out that I also liked this show,
Buggy and Floyd
.” He looked up from the ground. “Does she know what I’m talking about?”

I nodded. It made me happy that he used the present tense with Mom.

“Yeah, and from there we just kinda clicked. She’s really the only person who’s gone out of her way to make me feel at home. So thank you, Mrs. Dietz, for raising your daughter the way you did. She’s awesome and I know that’s because of you. I wish I could’ve met you, but I guess I have in a way. Because of Macallan. And just so you know, I’ll do my best to protect her. And be there for her. Even if she does have the
worst
taste in football teams.”

“Hey!” I swatted at him. “Mom’s a
huge
Packers fan. He’s only teasing, Mom.”

He wrapped his gloved hand around mine. “It’s okay that I joked?”

“Yes, she always jokes around.”

“What else does she like?”

And that was all it took. For the next hour, I told Levi all about my mom. All I could remember. I laughed at so many of the memories. And not once did another tear fall. I still ached for her, but talking about her was keeping her alive inside of me.

I had no doubt that Mom was looking down at us and smiling.

Everything changed after that.

Maybe
change
wasn’t the best word. But Levi and I were closer than ever.

Between my breakdown at the mall and the visit with Mom, Levi went above and beyond to make sure we spent time together.

It wasn’t as if Levi put Emily aside for me. He knew he didn’t have to make that kind of choice. He became more aware of how he was acting. The decisions he made. Whom he chose to spend time with.

Even though we constantly texted, he would call me at least once a day while he was in California during the holidays.

“I know how happy this is going to make you,” Levi said during his call on New Year’s Eve. “Everybody here is complaining about how much I’m talking about
back home
.”

“Do we think you have a case of the grass is always greener?” I asked.

He laughed. “Probably. But mostly the guys want to see more pictures of the coolest chick alive.”

“You better be talking about me.”

“Clearly. Even if said chick is having a rockin’ party without me.”

“Hey, I’m not the one who decided to spend the holidays two thousand miles away. And the party isn’t going to be
rockin’
with everybody’s parents there.”

My dad had thought it would be fun to host a New Year’s Eve party. So he invited some of his friends and their kids, and I got to invite my friends and their parents. At first I didn’t think anybody would want to come to a party with their parents, but I guess it was the only way any of us would’ve been able to properly celebrate the ringing in of the New Year.