Better Not Love Me (17 page)

Chapter 34

Dallas, Texas

Nate watched as a medical rescue helicopter hovered at the edge of the hospital across the medical campus parking lot. From his chair in the Oncology Treatment Center he could see downtown Dallas. The helicopter had arrived from that direction, too. He wondered what sort of medical emergency forced the helicopter into use. Heart attack? Car accident? His mind quickly dipped into all the terrible things that could have happened to someone. He wondered if they deserved it. If their medical emergency was karma for a lifetime of inaction, missed opportunities and regret. Or maybe he was just putting those feelings on this nameless helicopter patient because he was too weak to put it on himself.

The area below his collarbone hurt. The new port was where the medicine entered his bloodstream. Was it really medicine? Chemotherapy was poison. The nurse who started his chemotherapy treatment was young and athletic, with a broad smile and bangs that obscured her face when she leaned forward to work on the cocktail in his IV drip. The old man in the chair to his right specifically requested her, shooing away another nurse. The man seemed annoyed that the nurse he preferred was working with other patients. He didn't want to share.

Nate could see why.

The nurse stayed upbeat for her patient's benefit, but no doubt it was a defense mechanism for the job she did. Seeing patients in treatment everyday had to be draining. Even as the therapy worked and the cancer cells diminished, the patients grew weak thanks to the poison that fought the battle raging inside them.

Nate had been in this chair before. He met patients who on a weekly basis would plop down next to him and get their treatment. He saw several complete their regimen and celebrate their win over cancer. Remission. He had been one of them before. The nurses would blast rock music and dance like maniacs letting the flood of emotions overwhelm all of them. They had won. They got one. Nurses, doctors and patients welcomed the win. But the sad truth was that for every celebratory party, there were twice as many quiet whispers telling fellow patients that another of their friends had lost their fight.

Nate knew the odds. He knew what was coming when he walked into his appointment in Spokane with Chloe by his side on the day they visited the shelter. He had decided it did his daughter no good to be shielded from the reality of what was about to happen to him. Who is ever really old enough or mature enough to deal with the death of their lone parent? He didn't want Chloe to regret anything or resent him for trying to protect her, so he let her sit in on the appointment with the doctor. It was the first time that she had heard anyone utter the words "life expectancy."

The doctor told him cancer had spread to his remaining kidney. A biopsy would provide conclusive proof, but the treatment options would be the same regardless of what they found, so the treatment needed to start immediately.

"I know you're only up here for the summer," the doctor had said. "I've consulted with your oncologist in Dallas who has reviewed your results. He agrees that you need to start treatment immediately. We can get you set up here in Spokane this week."

Chloe had burst into tears, her hands covering her face. Nate draped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him. Nate thanked the doctor, but said no thank you. He'd prefer to start and finish treatment in Dallas. The summer was nearly over and Chloe needed to return to school. He asked the doctor to make the arrangements so he could begin treatment in Dallas in a few days. He knew how weak he would become and the thought of traveling in that condition was unbearable. It was best to just head home.

So today in Dallas, he tried to be positive. The broad smile his nurse was flashing at all her patients in the treatment room reminded him of Amelia's smile, and he was immediately brought back to their time together. He regretted what he did to her. Not telling Amelia about the new bout of cancer was the coward's way out. And asking Chloe to hide the secret was terrible too.

"But she cares about you dad," Chloe had said. "She would want to know what's happening with you. Wouldn't you want to know if the roles were reversed?"

Yes I would, he thought, but that's why he decided to hide it. Nate knew Amelia's story with Edwin, how they had just begun a loving relationship when he died. He didn't want to put her through that again. He couldn't. It's the main reason why he had spent all those years intentionally putting distance between them—so that there would be no reason for her to desire him, even as he longed for her. No reason for her to love him and get hurt all over again. He was a sick man. A dying man who didn't want to have a grieving partner left behind. He had done that when Stephanie died. He'd grieved and been pained. He didn't subscribe to the old axiom that
it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all
.

Why put her through that pain? She better not love me, he thought. She can't.

So he left the cabin without saying a word. Sure, he could be called a coward. That was fair, but his actions were intentional. Save Amelia from the pain. It's better that she not love me, he thought. This would seal it.
 

* * *

His nurse returned to his chair when his 90-minute treatment was over.

"Do you have anyone to drive you home?" she asked. "You're going to feel pretty weak after this one."

"Yes. My daughter is waiting."

"Good. You don't want to be alone right now."

No. No, I don't.

Chapter 35

Later that summer

Back at the Cabin

Despite everything, the last weeks of August were great for the Cook family. Marcus and Susanna got along well for the first time in as far back as Amelia could remember. Amy was excited and happy like never before because her elder son, Max, finally arrived to close out the summer with the family. It was wonderful to see Amy, Priscilla and the newcomer Max together, something that only took place on holidays and the rare occasion that Max made the trip up to Bonners Ferry from Pullman where he was attending Washington State University.

Amelia sat in a reclining lawn chair on the grass by the beach sipping an ice tea and watched Max and Marcus splash around in the lake by the dock. Max was several years older and a full-grown man, even if at the moment he was having a contest with Marcus to see who could hold their breath the longest underwater.

Max was completely immersed in his studies at school. He was heading into his senior year and on track to get a degree in Biology; something he hoped would propel him to continue his education in veterinary medicine. WSU had a large veterinary school, which was the reason Max stayed in Pullman during breaks. While his classmates returned to their hometowns over the summer, Max worked at the veterinary school. It was mostly odd jobs cleaning up after animals visiting the clinic, but he didn't mind. It was a job and he got experience while he worked.

Amelia marveled at the different paths Max and Marcus took since that night Edwin saved them on the partially frozen waters of Rocktop Lake. The boys had always been close. For years they even shared a room when both families lived in the Cook sisters' childhood home before Amelia moved with the kids to Spokane.

Marcus retreated into himself and struggled with anger issues. He fought with boys he just met. He talked back. There was a chip on his shoulder and Amelia couldn’t figure out why everything was so hard for him.

Max on the other hand took the tragic accident and used it to gather strength. He had a strong belief in God and said on many occasions that what happened that night was all part of His plan, and it's not a plan we're privy to. Max was also a hero. While both boys were rescued by Edwin, it was Max who truly saved Marcus. He strapped Marcus to the horse that brought him down the mountain, all the while leading the horse down the twisting trail in blizzard conditions. Max was just as cold and wet that night. Thanks to frostbite, he was now missing the smallest two toes on his right foot because he gave his socks and dry boots to his cousin. It was a selfless act to give so much to another in need.

If not for Max's quick thinking and bold actions, Marcus would have died that night, too. He was given a life-saving award by the county commissioners and was highlighted in the newspaper. The incident was also the basis for many of his school scholarship applications. If not for the scholarships, school would be just a dream for him.

The boys were certainly on different paths. She worried about Marcus. When would he find his direction, as Max had?

Amy set a glass of fresh ice tea on the side table next to Amelia, replacing the empty one. She then lay down on the lounge chair adjacent to her sister.

"You know what he told me this morning?" Amy asked, gazing at the boys in the water.

"Max?"

Amy nodded.

"He told me that he missed me. And I don't know if it was because he'd been away for so long or if he was just feeling a little emotional, but never once since he went away to school has he told me that he missed me."

"I'm sure he does," Amelia said. "Being away from home has got to be tough."

"It just felt good. Like I did something right."

Amelia raised her eyebrows.

"You question if you do the right things for them?"

"Of course I do," Amy replied. "You know how it is—raising kids alone. You always question if you do enough or miss something important that will send your offspring into a tailspin when they become adults."

"Only the good parents worry about that stuff," Amelia said. "The people who think they have it all figured out—that they are perfect parents, with no worries—those are the people who should be worried."

"Well, by that standard I'm good, because I'm constantly worried."

"Me too."

The boys were now doing cannon balls off the dock, competing to make the biggest splash. Susanna and Priscilla were presiding as the judges. They held up imaginary score cards and yelled, "Ten!" when the splashes came.

Amelia wanted to bottle up the day and save it forever.

* * *

That night Marcus scrubbed a dish in the sink before handing it to Amelia to dry. After dinner he had appointed himself in charge of clean up, something he'd not done all summer. He had cleared the table and was now tackling the dishes in the sink. Amelia tried to hide her enthusiasm for his sudden interest in helping with the chores. This was a difficult task because this simple act was huge for him. He sloshed water all over the floor and she would no doubt need to re-do several of the pots and pans, but she didn't care. As with many other things, it’s the thought that counts and he was making strides.

"Did you know that vets work with big animals, too?" Marcus asked Amelia.

"I guess so. Why?"

"I don't know. I just always thought they only did like cats and dogs and stuff."

"Was Max telling you about the animal clinic today?"

"Yeah. It actually sounded pretty cool," Marcus said, his voice excited. "They have horses and goats and cows. People bring in all kinds of stuff. Even eagles with broken wings. They nurse them back to health and set them free in the wild again. Well, the eagles at least."

"Max gets to work on those things?"

"Not all of it," he said. "The older students get to try first, but in the summer he gets to do more. It's awesome."

"It sounds pretty cool," Amelia said, pleased that Marcus was showing an interest, so she decided to press him a little more. "Is that something that you might like to do?"

Marcus didn't hesitate.

"No way," he said. "They get to give animals medicine to make them better, but they have to put them to sleep too. I couldn’t do that."

"That's understandable," she said. "So what would you like to do?"

"What do you mean? Like for a job?"

"Yes, like for a job."

"I'm only in high school," he deadpanned.

"And in a year you need to have decided what you're going to do next. It'll be here before you know it."

Marcus didn't say anything for a while, but continued to scrub the dishes and hand them off to Amelia. Eventually he spoke again.

"Do you think Pastor Isakson would hire me?"

"To do what?"

"To fix that ratty shelter—the Annex."

This surprised Amelia. She had assumed that he wanted nothing to do with the place.

"I'm not sure they are looking for employees. They're running on a shoestring budget."

"Then maybe I could volunteer there? That's what Max did at the animal clinic and now he gets paid to work there."

"I'll tell you what, let's go see Pastor Isakson and Lori when we go back to town next week. Maybe you can do some work there on the weekends when school starts again. I know they could definitely use some help."

"OK, thanks Mom. I think that would be cool."

They continued to finish the dishes in silence, which was perfectly fine with Amelia.

From the deck she could hear laugher from a game of cards being played by Max, Priscilla and Susanna. Max was teaching the girls how to play poker and apparently they weren't getting the hang of it, which resulted in some hilarious confusion. He playfully teased them, but continued to shuffle the cards and play on. 

She reveled in the sound. Joy. Happiness. She wished the day wouldn't end,  but she knew in just three days she'd be back home again; and this summer, with all of its ups and downs, would be a warm but distant and sometimes confusing memory.

* * *

Screw Nate. Screw him for toying with her heart when she didn't ask for it, Amelia thought. She didn't want it. She just wanted a summer with the kids. Over the past few weeks as summer wound down she kept repeating this over and over in her head, but that meant Nate was never far from her mind and she hated it. Hated the uncontrollable feelings that she had for him. This unspoken power to impact her being. If she never saw him again it would be too soon. She was done. That was enough.

Amy had come to the same conclusion. She had commiserated with Amelia each night as they finished out the summer to the point that they stopped talking about men altogether. No man in their lives had ever been reliable, believable or trustworthy.

What good are men anyway?

It's funny how in the absence of an answer one can easily fill in the blanks. Even in the worst of circumstances. Nate left the lake. Didn't say a word and she had to hand it to him. He didn't even leave a hint of what he was up to. It took guts to stick to your plan like that, she thought. The guts of a weak man. She didn't want to think these thoughts. But that's the twisted struggle where desire and hope are cut to pieces by pain. It wasn't fair. Love isn't fair.